As far as insecurity goes, to me it’s the
mother of all hurdles. It’s one that
every single person on the face of this earth has in one form or another. For me, one of them is the fact that I love music. I love all kinds of music but when a piece
speaks to your soul, it just touches you in a way that nothing else can. I love to sit and strum my guitar. It’s therapeutic on so many levels. It’s something I am passionate about, and yet
so few know the depth of that passion, or that I even play. On so many evenings I sit and just play,
learn, and strum. Most people wouldn’t
know it because I’m incredibly insecure about it. I can stand in a room full of people and talk
for hours, I can blog to a worldwide audience, and yet nothing makes me more
nervous than standing in front of anyone and playing the guitar. I have self doubts; I lack the confidence to
get over the initial stage fright. I
have found that lately I am letting that go more and more. Through this process of losing one you love,
you find the things you love about yourself.
It’s normal to re-focus on yourself and your likes, priorities, and
dreams. It’s healthy! For me a part of that process is really
diving back into my guitar. Head first
and all out. I’ve found I’m less afraid
to accept that “hey maybe you can actually play a bit”. I cringe less when people walk into a room
where I’m playing. It’s my space and I can
sit comfortably, quietly, and happily there, and if someone wanders in to that
insecure space, it is just a fleeting moment and it too shall pass. So, more now than ever, I find myself just
plucking away. It’s an insecurity that
may never go away, but I’m learning to silence it in my own way. To face it head on.
For others their insecurities have far more
breadth and depth. My guitar analogy is
minor in comparison to far greater “issues” that lie within me. These tiny little triggers within themselves
can lead to destructive behavior. This
insecurity can destroy all that is beautiful around them and lead them to a
space of perpetual fight and flight. I
once knew someone with this problem.
Later, in the end, I’d learn that at the root of these issues lay horrid
injustice, after horrid injustice, followed by outright abuse, at the hands of
one of two people on the planet who were meant to protect her. It’s the ultimate sin to impose such sick
justice onto a child, and to leave it there for them to deal with throughout
their life. I will never forget the
night the years of insecurities came flooding through the gates of her
heart. I’ve never experienced such a
tsunami of tears and emotion. I was elated
and honored, to be the one she shared it with, and yet I was saddened and
angered that it was perpetuated throughout her life due to the actions of one
individual. To find the root of these
lifelong insecurities, anger, and pain, will hopefully be the catalyst for
change and growth, but the wounds run deep.
Just by talking about it, letting it out, and facing that fear and
insecurity in the face, this woman stood up for her heart, for her life, and
for her future. She looked the demon
straight in the face and said “no more”.
What happens tomorrow is unclear, but I hope that the moment she opened
those floodgates, she realized that like a lotus flower, she was living with that
toxic water (emotions) inside of her, and she could grow in that space now and
forever. She was paralyzed by the demons
that were not her own. She felt unloved,
deserted, and beat down in all she did because the water within was stagnant
and needed to move. Like a lotus, she
can grow from this and face this anytime she feels those twangs of insecurity,
desertion, and pain. She is good
enough! She is better than good enough
because she survived these atrocities over time.
It’s inspiring to be a part of a moment in
someone’s life when you feel (and hope) like you witnessed one’s silent
insecurities emerge and purge out of that space they were held so deeply. Each of us has these tiny little
triggers. These tiny little emotions
coursing through our minds. Some are far
bigger than others. I have far deeper
scars than my fear of playing the guitar in front of others, and there are
those with still greater underlying issues living beneath the surface, but it’s
how we process these that matters most.
It’s having the fortitude to push through this process. To get out in front of the fears and direct
them instead of letting them direct us, which is the essence of change that I
feel is necessary to silence the insecurities and other recurring emotions that
flow within us. While we accept that
these things make us who we are, we do not have to accept that we deserved
whatever it is, or was, that planted these seeds. Only when we find the capacity to love ALL
that we are, and all that we are not, can we love another properly and
fairly. Whatever silent little demon
that you may have, and whatever it is that put it there, you can drive or you
can sit and let it drive you. The choice
is yours. See it, feel it, accept it,
put it where it needs to be, and be all that you can be. No castle is built from one stone. It takes many, of varying sizes, shapes, and
colors, to make that structure complete.
Love yourself and know that you are normal, you are complete. You are just another member of this tribe and
you are good enough the way you are. You
are good enough and unique enough to be loved just the way you are, and you are
good enough to return that love. In the
end we take all of these things with us.
We are shaped by our past and we cannot shake that. We cannot go back and do it over and we are
all just as insecure as you. Even the
ones who appear to have it all together…they too have their demons that they
battle within. Let the acceptance take
hold and let your love flow freely. Open
the gates and begin the healing.
