Gravity of the Heart

Much like falling from a chellenging climb, falling for another can often sneak up on you. The pull of gravity signifying the archaic tug that sends you tumbling. When roping up for a difficult climb, it is never my intent to fall. The prospect is always there, and you know that gravity is always lapping at your heels, and yet you defy science and common sense by moving up while clinging to slight imperfections on a stone face. Much like a painters brush stroking a blank canvas, your body dances delicately across that canvas made of stone. Constantly aware of the tangible possibility of a fall, yet you carry on, never without fear but constantly putting it aside, moving upward, focused and in tune with the energy around you. The gravity within our hearts posseses the same power, yet it isn’t often we have the chance to see it in such a raw state. My life on the mend, my mind clear and concise, my gaze focused and fixed, I have trodded along and become someone who I thouroughly enjoy. Along the way I have worked hard to build the walls around my heart. I have made sure to protect myself from the gravity of another heart pulling at mine. I have acknowledged the fear of letting another in, yet I have carried on and done (in my humble opinion) considerably well rebuilding my life, redefining relationships, and keeping it all in check. I’ve built considerable, logical, and tangible walls around my life, but especially around my heart. However absurd it may seem to some, it is/was a necessity for me. A requirement for survival, if you will. While these walls were insurmountable, they were walls which I could peak over, climb over, or look around whenever I saw fit. I could always retreat behind those walls if I felt like someone was getting too close. That, in and of itself, became a byproduct of what was happening around me. I needed a place to go and feel safe, and learn about myself, before I could open up to anyone. As time passed I found that safe haven became all too frequently where I found myself. I just couldn’t connect on a level that made me feel real again, or safe from the pain that could very well lie beyond those walls.



Being one who is fascinated with pugilism on a level beyond mere fists, I have seen the metaphor within this journey as it relates to fighting. Not just the similarity I find with climbing, gravity, and ascention. I see myself (post divorce) backed into a corner and fighting anything that got in the way of where I wanted to go, or anything, or anyone that incroached upon my safe place. I wouldn’t say that I put myself into seclusion or became a recluse. To the contrary I believe my journey has been one of personal satisifaction, grace, and self inquiry, while putting myself out there at the same time. I still bagan to worry as to whether I could open up to anyone again. The instinct to fight off anything unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or threatening is just something that I was born with. My life holds record to the fact that the “easy way” isn’t the path that I typically choose. Much like when I am training or fighting, I become enveloped in the moment. Transfixed on what it is I am facing, then and there, and constantly looking for the calmness within me that allows me to slip the punches of life, weave around my oponent, and strike when the timing is perfect. Timing and range awareness are two fundamentals of fighting that are continually being mastered. You become hyper aware as you settle into your rhythm. Your breathing becomes a metranome to the music around you. The sound of bodies clashing, fists smashing, and the breath of exhaustion that you hear as it emites from your lungs. You are the master of your own destiny. You either fight or you succumb to the litany of damage being sent your way.



So as women have come into my life, I have struggled with the gravitational pull of some fantastic individuals. I have pushed some away. Climbing back into my safety corridor, where I knew self relience was the way. I have backed myself into a corner and just as suddenly found that I just fight my way out. I see the connection coming, and in many cases a connection that had the potential to be something great, but the fear overwhelms me and all I can do is listen to that primordial instinct to get away. I climb myself high above the danger, yet always increasing the danger by going further. I fight and listen, tune into those familiar sounds and instincts. The deep seeded cellular instinct to fight off the danger, or flee (ascend) away from it. It’s become a rhythmic, instinctual, repetitive process. Meet someone, get to know them, like the process, but when they get too close push away and climb away. Repeat!!! It seems the pull, the longing for someone to tell it all to, is a far greater opponant than I had ever imagined. I think I’d have told you (even recently) that I have come to like being on my own. Being single and the master of my soul is a satisfaction that I appreciate.




Relatioinships are a strange new ground for a guy who spent half of his life with a woman that he truly thought he’d get old with someday. Strangely vast and multi layered. Ecclectic and diverse. Fantastic and fun filled, if you let them be, yet indescribably terrifying to a guy who NEVER knew love before his marriage, and ended said marriage overflowing with love. Relationships are like climbing in the sense that it’s an ever progression of movement. You have to get past the imperfections, move by move, to reach the top. You have to put forth the effort and hard work. Gravity will hold you down, but if you master the dance with gravity, you can ascend what had seemed impossible. You can also let go and come plummeting back to where you started. They are like climbing a big mountain. You can’t do it all in one push. You have to move forward in steps. Often going up to reconoiter what is ahead, then returning to a safer camp down lower. You have to make your climb in sections and eventually, if you are lucky and all goes well, you’ll reach the ultimate goal. Relationships are also much like fighting, and TOO OFTEN for some, they “are” fighting. Like facing an oponent who is trying to inflict harm, and impose his will, you have to pay attention and find a place within where you can do what you must to survive. When you get past the pain, shock, and terror of taking such unatural damage to your being, you can actually relax in that environment and find a way to move within that situation. To gain a place where you are in tune with the movements of your oponent. Not that relationships are about fighting, impossing your will, or inflicting damage, but even the most beautiful of relationships will see such moments. You learn to endure and survive what you think you cannot take. Once through these moments, and once you become more in tune, more self disciplined, you realize the unforseen beauty in the process. I think part of the process in relationships, fighting, and climbing, is fundamentally realizing that you can be, and often are, your own worst enemy. You have to learn to stop fighting what is natural. You must learn to survive if you want to get to that magical place you seek. You must learn to listen deeply to your instincts in order to accept the fact that you are going to get hit..and you will survive.



I have spent the last 16 months fighting, both figuratively and literally. At the same time I have faced battles with gravity. Climbing harder than I have in recent memory. I’ve let go of the fear of falling, at least in climbing. I’ve learned to listen to what is inside as I face an oponent in the gym. I’ve learned to accept my fate (it’s gonna hurt and I’m gonna take damage) while fighting. I’ve been unafraid to tie into a partner and do that delicate dance over stone. All the while I’ve been horrifically petrified of letting those same things (metaphorically) into my life when it comes to women. I’ve met some amazing ladies, and have had the privelage to really sit and get to know many, yet I find myself back within my walls time and again. I guess like the lesson in fighting – range is everything. Stay just far enough out of the “pocket” and you won’t get hit. Step within range only when YOU are ready. I’ve bided my time outside of range when it comes to relationships, however like climbing and/or fighting, everything can change in a moment. The gravity of your heart can bring you crashing into the life of someone who has stepped into your range.




In a moment I found my life changed forever. Now everyone calm down! Just listen and read as often as you need to in order to get this. I’m not running off and getting married. I’ve found myself standing, once again, in territory that has scared me EVERY SINGLE time I have found myself there. Not just scared in the post marriage world, but pre marriage as well. I never was one to let people in close; it just happened that my ex was able to find a way around my walls. In a moment, unforseen, unexpected, and unlikely, someone has come along and slowly, methodically begun to tear those walls. Before I knew it I was standing before her exposed, raw, and real, yet scared. Not once has she allowed me to begin the rebuilding process of those walls. Watching as the shaking ensues, the backing away and putting up my fists (figuratively of course). She has stood there and just watched; waiting for me to calm down enough to see that she isn’t running away. She’s calmly touched my soul and shown me that it “IS” okay to allow someone so close. It’s okay to be in that pocket and be that close to someone. I’ve stood before her, scared and on the run, yet she has been unwavering in her composure and understanding. Suddenly I look around and gravity isn’t such a scary thing. The safety I feel in her presence is astounding. Like the belay of life, I feel safe. I still don’t kid myself into thinking things could not change in a moment, but the process, the journey, and the lessons are real and tangible. They are/were the missing pieces to the puzzle in this journey. I find my rhythmic feet, dancing the fighters dance; footwork of the pugilist, slowing their fighting pace, a new stance is felt. I don’t feel myself side stepping, slipping, bobbing and weaving. I am not looking for a way to defeat what is in front of me out of fear, or to back away “out of the pocket”. I see a beauty as magnificant as any I ever imagined. Will she stay? WHO KNOWS?! I will NOT, however, ignore the lessons and the feelings. The warmth in her smile and the patience that is every cell of her being is something that I must absorb and be willing to explore. The gravity in her heart is something that I must allow to pull me closer. I can climb away, and I can damn sure fight, but I find myself standing here and absorbing all that the experience has to offer. Ever determined to be reslilient and show the fortitude that I have thus far, yet I feel I can maintain that independence while exploring the soul of another. I feel the balance! The kindness I feel seems almost surreal and the laughter seemingly intangible to some, and yet I feel free. My crippled wings have found the air and I feel the need to fly. Tomorrow isn’t here yet so I refuse to worry if she’ll stay, for today she is here, she is real, and she is standing right here in front of me. Unwavering and unafraid of the mess before her, only accepting that we are all human and only looking to find someone else to walk along beside her on her journey. Walking side by side as long as the path lasts, or as long as the destination is a shared experience, never devaluing what it is, yet never over stating what it is. I only hope that I can give back what I receive…I only hope that others can find peace within another as I seem to have done. This could last forever, for a week, or until tomorrow. As I try to not worry about the future, I realize that today is yesterday’s tomorrow, so I look with a fleating glance aroudn the corner, over my walls, into a tomorrow that may or may not come, yet I know it is there but not what it shall hold. Laughter radiates in my soul, I see the empty canvas before me waiting for me to paint my world.

A Perfect Storm

Like passing thunderheads, laden with life giving moisture, energy, and beauty, so to are the people who seem to pass through my life. Like the fleating thuderstorms that tickle the tops of the Rocky Mountains, so to are those who seem to pass through my life. The relationships, friendships, acquantinces, etc, that seem to float into my life just seem to brush the top of my soul. Never penetrating, never staying, and I find myself unable to embrace that which seems to disipate before sufficient lucidity has evolved. I certainly want the closeness found in real, tangible relationships. I sometimes feel as though my past has left scar tissue on my heart. When these relationships approach, their beauty is evident and stunning all at once, yet I find myself donning my proverbial unbrella. Sheltering, protecting if you will, the damaged heart from the impending storm. I look in awe, in amazement at the bedazzling beauty of such a force as it slowly approaches. Slowly such relationships impart their beauty on all that I know, yet like the thunderous storms that blow over my home, they are gone before I have the chance to fully embrace all that they are, or I have retreated to safety to avoid the beauty within these storms. I cower beneath my umbrealla and hunker down in my own internal caves. I know not if this instinct is from the damage suffered in recent times, if it’s some primordial survival instinct come back now that my life is back to being lived as a “single man”, or if it is genuine fear of the storm and all of its elements. One can only wonder why it is we shelter ourselves from things that are truly so beautiful. Why do we duck and run when such a lifeforce of energy and life giving current comes our way?


Much like the monsoon rains here in the Southern Rockies, I have seen my fair share of potential relationships approach my world, only to fall apart before reaching their full potential. Initially I find myself looking on in awe. Wanting to see the light show, hear the thunder, feel the cleansing rain on my face, and feel the freedom giving wind upon my brow. I face these relationships with no umbrella, no rain gear, no tent, no shelter. Just me and the thunderous approach of something wonderful. Yet when it gets closer, when the gift of natural inclination is right upon me, I seem to whip out that umbrella and/or run for cover. Don’t get me wrong, I am far from a coward when it comes to getting to know someone and investing my time and energy “out there” in the thick of it. Feeling it all, experiencing it all, and getting soaked by all that any relationship has to offer. I just know that I have found myself in a place surrounded by impassable mountains. I have intentionally put my heart and soul in a place surrounded by an internal range of mountains, impenetrable and insurmountable. I guess it’s my happy place. A place where I know that the raw and bleeding heart can heal. A place where “this can’t happen to me again”. Maye to some that seems cowardly, but to me it is simple survival.


I’ve watched with unabashed wonder as some of these relationships have developed over the mountains of my heart. I see them coming, and bask in all that they bring. A few have had the potential to become natural disasters, and a few have been nothing but passing storms. I’ve been sheltered (thankfully) from those disasters and have made a concious effort to stay out in the “passing storms” long enough to soak in their lessons and glory. The one or two that have passed through, which have had the potential to be significant, lasting, meaningful, and memorable have thus far found me running for cover. Not wanting to acknowledge the significance of these “great ones” I tend to just go hide out in my mountians and let them pass. Never knowing if this one could be the “hundred year storm”. The one that will change it all. Change the face of the landscape of my heart. Like the monsoon rains, will this be the one to flood the valleys of my heart and wash away all the mud and silt flowing through? Could this be the one to bring the life giving rain to a shattered heart and dried up soul?


I keep telling myself that relationships are like storms. Packed full of excitement and energy, so full of beauty and vollatility, yet so natural and full of wonder. All in all they give life. Without them, we’d all just be dried up deserts, devoid of freshness and grace. I still can’t convince myself to stand out in these storms. I meet someone who I find intriguing, while not actively seeking, and I see the potential therein start to build. I stand and face the wind (if this person truly has my attention) and I watch as the energy builds. The discovery evolves, like the building of cumulonimbus, growing as all the necessary elements come together. Building into something so alive, so fluid, and so beautiful. It’s a rare thing to witness these things within our interactions with others. It’s imperative (in my opinion) that we don’t let these moments pass by like the clouds above. We need to stop and take note, and yet in the thick of it, I typically turn tail and run.


I can feel the energy of these things building. I can stand out there as vulnerable as possible. Fists clenched, eyes open, heart exposed, but time and again my reaction is the same. Cover!!! Find protection within and stay there. This too shall pass. After all, the perfect storm of my life, or what I thought was so, has passed and is but a distant memory. So why risk it all again to go through that? It’s a funny question coming from one who has spent the better half of his life living on the edge. Risking “real” storms at altitude, on some rock face, or in my youth chasing the storms that created the perfect swell. Yet the courage to face this fear has thus far eluded me. Again and again, I push the potential relationship away. I know that a broken heart needs time to heal, yet I am about as resilient as they come. I know down to the core of my soul that I do not want to walk this earth alone, yet I tend to not give the slightest chance to anyone.


I had recently resolved to spend my days in the comfort of the valley’s surrounding me. I have continually repeated my mantra, allowed the internal dialogue that says “all things are impermanent so why risk it”. It’s a battle with the elements that I know not how to win. I know that the things that are constant, real, and tangible in my life are the things that are here now. My kids, my climbing, and my fighting. These are the things that make up my world. For better or worse, these are the tools in my quiver that have allowed me to keep on keepin on. I tell myself continuously that to rely on none but ourselves is the only way that I can avoid the disaster that can push you to the brink of destruction. I am slowly evolving in this process. While hanging onto these thoughts and beliefs, I know that I have let some pretty spectacular people pass right through my life. I cowered under the shelter of my own cowardice. Mr. Risk Taker has cowered selfishly below the protection of the walls around his heart. I know I cannot continue to live in this internal isolation. I also hear the voices all around who (very commically) state that “you’re just not ready”. To ANYONE uttering such nonsense, I can only say – what makes you the expert. We are all different. Every heart is hurt in this life, and every heart heals, and yet none do so at the same speed. I find it laughable and always want to ask for (from the experts) the date when I’ll be ready. If I had that date I could just get on with my own selfish endeavors until that day comes. I could focus more on training, fighting, and being the best dad possible. No one seems to have the rebutal to that question when I ask.


All this being said – I HAVE begun to peak my head out a little more with each passing day. Like the prairie dog of the plains, I peak out and look around from time to time. I know I can always run back to my “happy place” but I had just recently climbed the walls of my heart, ascended the stunning peaks that surround my soul, just to get some fresh air. Then it happened!!! I felt that wind in my face. The fresh, life giving kind. The wind that grabs your attention and commands you to breathe it in deeper. I dared to glance over those peaks. Tentatively, timidly, and with focused caution. What I see on the horizon is a different kind of storm. What I see approaching is effortless and something I find myself defensless to. The advancing rumble isn’t deafening and scary, rather melodic and soothing. The flashes of light aren’t blinding, but just seem to light up all around. The building energy doesn’t have me grabbing my gear and running. I’m paralyzed by the purity in it. Unlike any previous deluge this one has stripped me of all my defenses. Is it going to pass right over head? Is it going to disipate and fall apart before it’s energy and cleansing, life giving, gift is poured down upon my face? Who knows? All I know is that this one feels different. This one isn’t scary and threatening. This one has the beauty of the hundred year storm. This one has me wondering if I can stand in its path and soak in all that is offered. I don’t feel the tingling in my feet telling me to run. I am not subconsiously retracing my steps up to this point, planning my retreat. I find myself captivated, mesmerized, and in awe at the shear simplicity of it. If it passes me by, if it falls to pieces before it reaches its thunderous crescendo, I will only stand here in wonderment, and face the demons within. Feeling the raindrops on my face. Watching, feeling all it has to offer. I find myself not looking for a cave to hide in. My only thought beyond the approaching storm is my internal dialogue, wondering why is this one so different, and the immediate response that comes from WAY DOWN..saying…”who cares, just enjoy it”. If the valleys below me flood, I guess like Noah I can build an Ark and sail away. I see the beauty as it pours in all around me, in all that I do, and I work to disipate the fear within. I know that my safety is within, self reliant and self sufficient, yet I also know that it takes both sunshine, and rain to make a rainbow. Without the storms of this life our souls would be but a baren landscape devoid of life. Without the courage to stand before the power of nature, and natural selection, the brevity of this life would be much to frightening to face. There comes a time when we all must crawl from the sanctuary within and put ourselves out there. Many times, on many climbs, many routes, and during many storms I have had to rely on the compass within…sometimes you just have to point it north and let it guide you. Sometimes you have to come out from under that umbrella. Maybe this is my time, maybe it’s not, but I won’t find out if I stay within the safety of the mountains around my heart. I will try harder to not let the storms of my life float by anymore. I will look into them as one would look to lucid dreams for understanding beyond what is typical. Within those lucid dreams, maybe I shall find my perfect storm.