A Single Stroke

 

  Thursday March 27, 2014:  I didn’t’ know then how much that evening would change my life…I’m still learning how significantly impacted it has become.  On that fateful evening I was out on a routine run after work, excited to be meeting a gal a loved dearly afterwards at my house for dinner and an evening relaxing.  I was weeks away from a departure date back to a land I love to teach and a people I adore.  Ladakh India had become a place I cherished and looked forward to returning to each and every year.  I was returning to teach again and to reconnect with past students.  I was fit…I was healthy…and reluctantly I had the support of a woman I loved deeply.  She “had a feeling” that had I went I wouldn’t’ return.  Even now I look at the outcome had this event happened high in the Himalaya.  As I ran that evening I remember feeling almost as if I was having an out of body experience.  My head wasn’t right, not hurting, but just swimming in feelings, thoughts, and in a realm I cannot (to this day) quite explain.  I finished my run short of my goal as this feeling progressed.   I was excited to get home and see my girl and those two things combined would likely be two (of several) factors that saved my life that night.  I began walking home when those cerebral anomalies expanded and I started to get dizzy and feel a sense of confusion.  I picked up the pace as I knew I was about a mile from home.  Suddenly my arms began to tingle and within minutes I lost dexterity in my hands.  Prior medical (EMT) training made me acutely aware that SOMETHING was definitely wrong.  I quickened my pace as I tried to fumble for my phone tucked away around my waist.  Suddenly my vision began to blur and in that moment I knew I was in trouble.  I sat on a guardrail as the sun set and knew if I could just get my phone out I could get a hold of someone to help me.   As I fumbled I finally retrieved my phone…only to realize my vision had almost completely gone in that moment.  It’s one of the most helpless moments I’ve ever felt and I can only hope I never feel that way again.  I didn’t have the mental capacity at that point to wave for help…to lie down….or to scream.  Nothing was making sense. 

  The symptoms would let up long enough for me to stumble (literally) home and by the time I got to the house I had collected myself enough to try and not scare my girlfriend or my daughter who were not at all aware of what was happening.  I typically walk in from a run and hop straight in the shower as it’s not only a necessity; I love the feeling of the hot water pouring over my open pores.  This time I lingered and decided I’d stay close to Amber “just in case” the darkness came back.  I was scared.  More than I had ever been my entire life.  No mountain, no fight, no epic had ever prepared me for a fear of facing my end in that very moment.  I knew at that point I was dealing with something neurological.    I tried frantically to convince myself that I was merely dehydrated from working out twice that day and then running after work.  I eased into the kitchen, gave her a kiss, and tried to nonchalantly help cut vegetables for dinner.  I remember telling myself to be calm.  She came into my life not too long before and I certainly didn’t want to place this burden on her.  We talked and within minutes I was frustrated as my mental state and ability to articulate diminished.  Suddenly I couldn’t say what was so obviously being processed through my brain.  The beast was back..and I had nowhere to run.  I recall putting both hands on the counter and putting my head down as I kept trying to repeat my sentence.  I could sense her being alarmed but I kept trying… “don’t quit”… “keep trying”… “don’t scare her”.  “Get my daughter out of here…she can’t see this”…suddenly Amber started to mumble.  “Oh sh&% she’s having a stroke”.  She wasn’t making sense.  Only recently would I learn that this was the stroke going “deeper” into another part of the brain that makes it hard for me to understand on top of my inability to speak.  “Get outside”…don’t let this happen in front of them”.  As the darkness faded again I was able to call friends (one a paramedic) and ask what to do, and to this day (actually as I’ve recently learned from a follow up appointment) the single act that quite possibly could have saved my life, and definitely prevented further damage, Amber had the wherewithal to give me Aspirin.

 

  We’d travel to Denver for further care after spending some time in the hospital here in Durango.  The ensuing months would prove frustrating for me in ways I’ve never talked about.  One surgeon downplayed the significance while another quickly set me straight.  I had a stroke.  A Trans Ischemic Attack (TIA)..a mini stroke.  As time has passed I’ve quietly dealt with the after effects and as I dive into the next round of visits with the neurologists I’m not quite certain I’ll ever be the same.  I have memory issues, I get confused easily, and at times I feel that otherworldly feeling like I’m here..yet not here.  Like something inside is stepping out for a walk on its own.  I’m just starting to learn the severity and lack of complete understanding that the medial world has on our brains.  It’s astounding how much we know, but more so how much we don’t know.  The aneurysm in my carotid artery is 6-7mm in diameter.  A #2 pencil is roughly 5-6mm in diameter.  What does that mean?  It’s BIG!  It’s partially calcified.  What does that mean?  My body essentially created a shield…a partial layer of armor around this time bomb protecting it from bursting..for now.  Once again..I was lucky.  Time has passed and I’ve tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy in my life and yet only I can see and feel what’s happened inside.  Thoughts aren’t processed quite the same.  I have a hard time expressing what in the past was so easy to say.  What I feel and think don’t always make it out with any semblance to what I intended.  I tire much more easily..and I forget things I wish I could hold onto. 

 

  That one evening changed so much in my life and this journey through the fog is far from over.  Recent follow ups have driven the point home of just how sever this really is.  The location of the aneurysm, my age, and the after affects of any procedure they will inevitably do are all factors that keep this process so frustrating.  I recently told a close friend that I’d rather not make it through another stroke should it happen again.  I struggle every day to open my eyes and accept the facts of what’s happened.  I’ve kept so much bottled up and hidden from the outside, trying desperately to get back to a “normal life”.  In reality it all changed in an instant.  Like the single stroke of a painters brush, my landscape was forever changed.  I’m grateful for each day in ways I never thought possible.  I appreciate the smallest things that seemed so trivial before.   Tucking my daughter in each night brings a tear to my eye (literally).  I pray for one more day EVERY DAY.  I’ve lost a relationship during this process with a woman who quite literally saved, if not my life, a piece of me that could have been lost in the fog, and I often wonder if she’ll ever grasp the importance of her being there.  That night has passed but the after effects are just beginning.  I struggle to live to the fullest and to conquer my fears and chase my dreams.  I am grateful for so much.  I was asked by a friend after sharing my story alongside a campfire last weekend “aren’t you afraid to die?”   The answer came so quickly it seems as if the fog had lifted for that single moment… “I’m not afraid to die..I’m afraid to NOT live.”  Our time here isn’t guaranteed.  Our relationships will end, our time will end, and our body will reach its end,  but it’s the moments in between that mean so much and push me to extend my own end.  No amount of fog can rob me of the memories that have made this life so worth the struggle.

Season of Change

Photo:  Brian Clark

  Standing in the kitchen window in the warm morning light, staring as the frost melts and steam arises from the fence, watching as the autumn leaves fall from the cottonwood outside my looking glass, I ponder the deadening silence surrounding me.  It’s early and I’ve been awake for hours processing…photographs, life, recent events, and the ghosts that chase me in the night and keep me tossing and turning, my bed sheets a tangled mess, my pillows soaked in tears and sweat.  Life can be a challenge at times for sure, but there are moments in all of our lives where we are stripped of our dignity and left to question our very own worth.  Staring out at that morning light, seeing the freshness in the air and the change in the seasons reminded me of these times and the beautiful opportunity it provides us to rediscover all that we “are” and to shed all that weighs us down and holds us back from the potential we all have within.  When we find ourselves in the darkness of life’s shade, sometimes all we need to do is step into the warm light and see the empty canvass before us, and embrace the opportunity to become all that we are, can be, and will be.

 

  The ebb and flow of life’s challenges can be stifling and disconcerting if it’s allowed to fester and boil inside of you.  The challenges we face can stop us dead in our tracks or we can sit quietly and look within while staring dead on at the challenges ahead.  Searching for the light around us can only help to guide us on the journey of our lives.  Like the chill in this morning’s cold autumn air, the fear of change can chill me to the bone.  Standing and watching those leaves make their mercurial journey to the already leaf laden yard reminded me that life is emulated in nature.  Our path isn’t always clear and we may find ourselves floating and fleeting in the winds at times, but ultimately we get to where we are supposed to be.   Like those leaves our life too is so full of color and change.  When we try and hold onto that which we are not meant to, we only prolong the inevitable.  The leaves turn colors, they fall when they are supposed to fall, they make the descent to where their flight and ultimate decay lead to new growth.  The sun will rise again and add its warmth to the cold chilly frost.  There were so many metaphors staring out that window..that looking glass into life’s lessons and natures beauty.  I stood paralyzed by the beauty of it all.

 

  When the seasons of change and unexpected shifts within our life span leave us feeling inadequate, like we’ve failed, or like we simply don’t belong anywhere, it’s such a comforting reminder to look out beyond our current experience deeper into that light.  To give ourselves fully to the moments in our life is, in my opinion, one of the greatest treasures that we can discover.  Fear begets fear..hate begets hate..anger begets anger..so on and so forth.  The willingness to sit quietly, observe, accept, and let go are so critical to finding my way through this life.  Looking within and finding my way there, instead of looking outward and blaming is unequivocally the single most important thing for me right now, for my only power lies in changing myself.  While we can’t avoid the inevitable and while seasons will change, we can look at the way we react to these things and make adjustments within.  To look to others, their faults, and become angry because you cannot influence an outcome is tantamount to throwing a temper tantrum because you can’t stop the leaves from falling.  Life has a way of working itself out and time waits for no one.  Looking out that window reminded me that as winter approaches and as seasons give way to new seasons, life is meant to be lived and letting go is a big step in that direction.  Let the leaves fall where they may and let the light in to melt the frost.  As the seasons of change fall upon your life, look within for the strength to endure.

Soul Trangression

We live in a constant state of flux.  Change is not only inevitable but constant.  I’ve been pretty content in the process of growing, changing, and just submitting to the changes in life.  Letting go has been difficult in my life but I’ve come so far.  Not looking back, rebuilding, and most of all accepting, are all things  I’ve worked tirelessly on in recent years.  Accepting my past, who I am (regardless if that changes) and the myriad of thoughts that run through my mind are by far the toughest challenges I’ve faced.   Being quiet with all of this, whether that be in mediation or in some activity where I tend to lose the outside static noise, is something I’ve found to be not only cathartic, but a place where I banish the dark parts as they arise.  One of my ongoing struggles has been fear.  The fear of failure, loss, starting over, etc, wreaks havoc in an otherwise peaceful state within me.  I struggle with pushing through so much.  Fear in the worldly sense is not often a roadblock for me.  I’m not too afraid of heights, trauma, pain (physical), fighting, bears, big waves, etc, etc, etc….and yet the simple fears that I face can often times seem insurmountable.  The fear of losing someone important and/or close to me can freeze me dead in my tracks.  It’s a huge contradiction when in reality I’ve been “alone” most of my life.  Even when surrounded by others, I’m alone inside and too afraid to get close for fear of losing someone.  It’s a labyrinth of emotions that I feel deep within, but as life has unfolded I’ve come to simply accept that getting really close to someone, genuinely close, might be beyond my reach.  My reactions to these situations just seem to exacerbate the cyclical thoughts and feelings that pass through me.  And so I’ve simply accepted this reality rather than face it, acknowledge it, work through it, and finally banish it.   Simply put; that is not an acceptable solution, it’s merely a delay in the inevitable.  Being afraid of the darkest parts within usiisn’t the way to get over the fear, and I of all people know this all too well.

 

  There is darkness within each of us.  No one comes into this world perfect in every way.  We develop habits and patters as we grow and many are never given the gift of realizing these things so that we may change and/or accept them.  For me it took someone standing there beside me, relentless and steadfast, for me to realize that something deeper was at play here.  Simply allowing someone in that close was a testament to the progress that I neither expected nor tried to make.  Then to realize that there were demons far more nefarious than I had imagined, well this has actually proven to be a gift.   The skeletons in my closet would turn out to be so much greater than I had imagined.  Had I suppressed my past in order to survive, or had I just ignored something hard to accept?  Unfortunately as time goes by, and the darkness spreads its wings, I realize that there has been an inordinate amount of suppression.  It’s a shock to the system, to say the least, to realize there’s something deeper when you felt as though you had come so far.  The fact that there’s a journey yet to make when you had travelled across a barren landscape of emotions can take the very breath from you and make you act irrationally. Feeling as though something so painful has suddenly reared its ugly head can make you feel defenseless, and yet deep inside all you know is that you have to face the darkness.   While your overwhelming fear (and patterns) tell you to stuff it down, to flee, you have to feel you way through it, all the while hoping and praying that you will dive into this dark pit not alone but with someone to hold your hand, hold you up, pick you up, and simply endure this journey with you.  However, that can be not only unrealistic but unfair to even hope fur such a gift.  Some journey’s must be made alone, and alone is the way I’ve gotten this far so if alone it must be, alone I shall go.  All I can do is feel my way through the darkness with the steadfast resolve of one on a mission.  I know the sudden exposure to these things have caused me to react to situations, people, and problems in a way that I’ve never seen.  Knowing that on the other side of all this lies a better me, a more refined human being, I face this battle, whether alone or with another hand in mine, I know I cannot run, I cannot hide, and most of all I cannot escape my past or any darkness that remains locked inside.   The only way to banish the darkness within is by facing it, trying to understand it, and ultimately accepting the good and the not as good within me and those around me.  The only way to soften the darkness is by bringing light into that space and for me that is sure to entail some digging, understanding and ultimately accepting.  I am steadfast in my resolve and unwavering; I will face this beast with relentless persistence. 

 

  I’m grateful for the lessons in this life, for the kindness shown me, and yet I cannot help but look at the sudden realization of this darkness as a soul transgression and a shakedown of my very character.  I see there is a problem, I know it comes from deep within, and far off, but at what cost will this enlightenment come?  Life is about learning, loving, accepting, and leaving this place a little bit better for having been here.  Kindness isn’t merely a virtue, in my opinion it’s an absolute necessity to a life well lived.  The fact that I’ve been faced with gushing anger, resentment, and confusion as a result of this life lesson is dumbfounding and perplexing and yet if I only apply I little kindness and compassion to myself, I can make peace with my mistakes and focus on facing this thing.  Life is a journey meant to challenge us.  As we age we add lessons to the quiver of lessons we carry through this life.  Will I conquer this beast?  With the help of those close to me (the ones that HAVE gotten in) and with a little grace, humility, and determination, I think I’ll actually grow from the experience.  Life’s lessons present themselves when we need them most.  My hope is that the damage isn’t too deep, the discoveries will be swift and the acceptance and moving forward even more so.   Looking within, I’ll find the darkness, feel my way through it, and bring light into that space…ultimately coming out the other side a bit better, a bit wiser, and maybe…just maybe…without too much collateral damage.  To those close…I feel you near, I hear your voices, and they fuel the fire to persevere.  Here’s to facing the darkness….and the transgression of the soul and all we thought possible.  In the end it matters not that we possessed something unexpected, and even dark within, only that we faced it.  Likewise….it matters little how we get through it…only that we didn’t walk alone, and if we did walk alone, at least we walked with grace and humility.  In the end…it matters that we were brave enough to stay the course and see it through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aviccii ~ Wake Me Up

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

 

 

The Struggle

 

 The great conundrum of my life seems to be the art of letting go.  It’s been at the frontline of the battles waging within me; something for which I have struggled with for time immemorial.  I believe I was born for the struggle, destined to fight, and instinctively I see the downtrodden as the true warriors in this life, for it is at the limits of what we believe we can take that we discover the extra spirit within us to keep on going.  The battles that we wage within ourselves are no different.  When we feel we have lost ourselves, when we feel surrounded by darkness, the simple, primordial desire to fight, to stand, to hang on is often the only weapon that will see you through.  Stick-to-itiveness is at the essence of any great triumph or breakthrough.  The desire to breakthrough to the other side is quite simply the most beautiful act of poetry that I know.  To be lost, and thrown aside with selfish abandon, and yet to push through, discover, create, and find your way back to a beautiful place is the most noble of battles any man or woman could fight.  The simplicity is not only heroic, but resplendent and joyous.  When your soul is stripped to the core and you have no tools but sure grit…this is where you discover the warrior within yourself. 

 

  I find my biggest inspirations in overcoming insurmountable obstacles, doubt (self or otherwise) creeps into the spaces between our dreams and if left unchecked can slowly eat away at our passions, devouring the fire within.  When we allow the light within to diminish, to fade, to burn out, we are no more than an empty shell, a passionless human being on auto pilot.  Furthermore, when we do not follow our instinct, the results can be just as devastating.  Staying the course through thick and thin, fire and brimstone, hell and high water; this is the true essence of what it is to feed our soul with the life force that enables us to grow.  Through relentless persistence we can broaden our possibilities, and grow infinitely into the life we are meant to lead.  Whether it’s a matter of rediscovery, finding your way (or yourself) when you feel lost, achieving a goal, or pushing through a fear, if you simply hang on for that one moment longer, you can crest the summit of your fear and feel the momentum begin to pick up as you glide into the next cycle of your journey.

 

  In my life, along the path(s) I have chosen, there have been more obstacles than I often wish to share.  Many of these could have been avoided, were maybe even self imposed, and yet I would not be where I am today without each of these great teachers/moments.  I find that the defining moment in any relationship, struggle, climb, fight, or life changing event, is that single moment when you hang on, push through, struggle forth, through that one grain of doubt so prominent in your brain.  When your soul and heart take over to help you defy logic and get through to the other side.  On the other side of the spectrum is the ability to know which battles to stay and push through, and which require the ability to summon the strength to simply walk away.  The paradox within one whos nature is of a pugilistic foundation is the opposing strength that allows you to walk from a situation.  It’s a constant conundrum pulsating just below the surface of our being.   Both abilities are equal in their strength and yet at polar opposite ends of the spectrum, and yet you cannot push through to the pinnacle of your goals without the ability to know when to walk away, to tap, in order to save the energy within and allow that energy to be in reserve for the higher purpose. 

 

  Allowing yourself the gift of moving with the struggle, with the energies, and listening closely to your intuition, these are the qualities of a champion.  To embrace the struggle and to be true to your instincts are fundamentally critical to reaching your goals.  Shying away from conflict (running) will only beget the same results if it becomes a pattern, and yet you will only exhaust yourself if you push through any conflict that you face.  Sometimes the true strength lies in that ability to remove yourself from the situation.  Allowing yourself to walk away allows you the space to learn and grow from the experience and take that new knowledge forward into the next struggle.  That being said, the ability to dig deep and push through when you are certain it is what is right and persevere through the adversity…this is a beautiful gift that should be used intelligently, logically, and with grace.  All of life is a struggle to simply be who and what we are, to live our truth and to excel at the most incredible gifts we posses.  Kindness in the struggle is not optional but necessary.  Kindness to self, others, the process, and most of all kindness and compassion to those who are fighting their own battles.  Compassion, above all else, is the essence of the warrior.  Live your life prepared to push through (in whichever direction is necessary), prepared for the struggle, and always resilient in the desire to perfect your life.  Embrace the quality of stick-to-itiveness.  Live a life of love and fall in love with the journey of life.  Fall for the mercurial moments when we feel lost..see them as a chance to rediscover and embrace the grind.  Be not afraid to fail or to walk away because in surrendering we are not defeated..we merely fail forward.  Learn from the past, get back up, and push through to where your dreams take you.  Do not fear the unknown for it is in that space, facing the fear, that you can change the direction of your life and accomplish your dreams.  This is the place where we chisel our future from the hardness of our trials.  This is where we “find ourselves”.  Honor yourself and honor those around you.  Proceed into the unknown with the resolve and confidence that you have the ability to not only wage ware on the obstacles before you..but to struggle through to whichever side you need to be on.  Whether your fight is metaphorical, or literal, the ability to dig deep and push through will always see you through.  Finally, choose your battles carefully for not everything has to be a struggle, choose your words wisely for nothing cuts deeper, and when you choose a direction..make a choice..decide where the battle lies…go for it with all you’ve got.

Shutter

  I was 14 when I picked up my first camera.  In that first semester in my “Introduction to Photography” class I’d discover the childhood and youth I felt I lost so long before.  I found my innocence and a space of clarity behind the lens.  I’d discover my voice in the silence of countless images.  The silenced child within me would scream loudest every time I released the shutter.  Slowly over time I’d begin to develop images within the school’s darkroom, but I’d find the peace inside of me to develop who I was, and to emerge a better person.  The love affair would develop slowly and has lasted a lifetime.  The sound of a shutter releasing would forever be ingrained in my soul.  My life would become a series of images, a virtual cornucopia of images, moments, and elegance frozen in time.  The feel of the barrel of the lens in my hand and the weight of the camera melting into my soul.  I knew then, as I know now, that my life and my mind consisted of images in time, captured and stored within.  I spoke loudest when I was silently capturing images.  One single decision at such a young age (to sign up for that class) changed the entirety of my life.

 

  To this day I can recall these sensations.  I still love the sound of the shutter.  I still love the sensation of capturing a moment in time.  I can still smell the developer, stopper, and fixer in the darkroom…the dripping of the chemicals back into the bath as I hung my images.  When I’m in my space, wandering with camera at the ready, I see things that I am sure no one else can see.  I don’t see apparitions but I see the moments between the feelings.  I see the light within the smiles.  I feel like I can capture the happiness between the pain and the truth that is just below the surface.  Unlike a movie playing through our minds, as our brains continually roll from reel to reel, I feel the power of stopping time with the simple release of the shutter.   Light touching a subject, dancing all around and gently brushing in backlit glory, the wisps’ of one’s hair.  These are just a few of the things I see through my lens.  Like a dilating pupil I can turn the aperture this way or that..adjusting to the dancing light.  I’m in a space all my own as I create, as I paint with light, as I capture the fire flies of life’s memories.   

 

  My dad bought me my first camera (Pentax K1000) by scraping and working extra.  I remember the sleepless night it became my own.  I had no film yet, merely the box with no memory.  A camera waiting to capture the fireflies spinning in my mind.  I’m not sure I ever thanked him for that camera or all it took to make sure his son was simply equipped for his class.  Little did he know he’d change the course of my whole life and give me the voice I so needed.  Little did he know he’d bring so much color into my life and so much joy to my soul.  That one camera set me off on a journey that will only end when my heart makes its final shutter release.  I am certain my father never knew that handing me that camera was worth more than any kid, any man, any human being could ask for.  He handed me the key to my soul and he’s been one of my biggest fans ever since.  He’d let me tag along on endless weekends to his part time job at a raceway where I’d hone my skills with my camera.  He’d always look at my images like he was looking deep into the life of a National Geographic Photographer.  He gave me a way to escape all the turmoil and to paint over the pain with the release of that shutter.  Thank you dad…for giving me not only the gift of “life” but the gift of living within this life.  I may never be a Pulitzer prize winning photographer..but I know in your eyes I have always been one!  Through my lens, through your gift, you’ve given me art and expression.  Happy Father’s Day Dad!

In The Shadow of Kings

Kingfisher Tower, Fisher Towers:  Moab, Utah

It was so long ago (12 years) that we set out from our homes, destined to make it in one long haul from Texas to Utah.  Three of us (Marcus, Ryan, and myself) determined to gracelessly dance with gravity to the summit of a desert tower, and ultimately to bond as brothers on yet another half witted, shotgun road trip into our destiny.  We’d spend that Thanksgiving weekend fulfilling yet another of our dreams (or trying), confronting our own demons, and finally escaping the world around us if only for what seems like a moment in this life.  We’d make it three pitches (600+ feet) before a freak storm shut us down.  It was a memorable journey and one which still plays so vividly in the reels that play out quietly in my mind on sleepless nights.  Of late I’ve faced so many obstacles and indescribable reckoning.  I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes and I’ve poured myself out and broken barriers like never before.  I’m truly blessed to have memories such as this one emanating from my soul.  Friend’s faces glimmering in the shadows of so many summits, countless climbs, and memorable adventures.  While traversing the last few years of my life I’ve seen a slow comeback to the place where I belong, among my fellow climbers, chasing the dreams we share in our vertical empire.  Many climbs, such as this particular climb, become metaphors for so much more in our lives.  In this case it was a failed attempt to summit the Kingfisher via the Colorado Northeast Ridge (Fisher Towers, Utah)on a cold and blustery November day.  The lessons, like the climb, resonate so deeply to this day.  We were three against seemingly insurmountable odds.  There was synergy amongst us and together we’d mount our attack.  We’d face our fears, struggle through the pain, laugh in the face of sheer terror, and ultimately lean in and support one another (literally) as the storm unleashed it’s fury as we sat helplessly on that mud packed ledge.  We’d retreat in freezing temperatures, and touch back down with utter joy, elated at the feeling of tera firma below our soles/souls.  Like any epic adventure we’d relish in the memories for years to come.  As climbers, or Conquistadors of the Useless ( a famous quote from famed climber Lionel Terray) we’d alternately be haunted by the failure, and yet elated by the everlasting memories from the journey.  Such is the life of one who chases their passion to all corners of the earth.  The metaphors in climbing are never lost on the souls who chase that dream.

 

  Years have passed and similar adventures, epics, failures, successes, and blundering quests have also passed through my life.  I’ve lost many fellow conquistadors in the time that has passed, some lost in their battle with gravity, others in a myriad of other ways, and yet all tie together in my mind to the world we pursue, the quests we dream, and the passion we share.  All of these lost souls are kings in my mind.  True life warriors who chased their passion(s) at all costs, some of whom were lost in that pursuit, others who were lost in natural ways, but all kings, and we are merely left standing in their shadows as the three of us stood in the shadows of the Kingfisher so many years ago.  I think of them often, and all of the friends I’ve lost, and I question whether I took the time in the end to thank them for sharing their journey with me.  Death in climbing (or otherwise) sends us like a bolt of lightning to a place where we take inventory of all we have, and the inherent risk(s) in our passionate pursuit(s).  I look gently back at the last month of my life and the sudden realization that I’m abruptly faced with, and have to live with; the ever present realization of my own imminent mortality.  For now I’m “stable” (as most would call “okay”) as I wait for imaging, more diagnosis, second and even third opinions, cardiology work ups, more appointments, more assessments, etc, etc, etc.  And yet I see these journeys, these adventures, the friends lost as well as those still here, and in spite of all the ongoing fear and uncertainty, I can’t help but want to pick up the pace and chase my dreams, slay my demons, and simply LIVE just a little more each day. 

 

  I cherish the times struggling up these desert towers, the sound of nothing but my breath and crampons crunching the snow on some alpine peak, or the sound of my breath as I pace myself on another run.  I long to feel the safety of home, and yet my nomadic soul pushes me out the door yet again.  The pain of the past, the pain of loneliness in the heart, the loss of relationships and the struggles in society; they all pale in comparison to the light I feel in the quest to live a full life, a good life, a life worth remembering.  I see their faces, these kings, and I hear their laughter.  Knowing…ACTUALLY KNOWING…I am closer to my end than most, has been a true gift.  Nothing is the same anymore.  I value so many of the little overlooked sensations and experiences that I once didn’t even notice, or only noticed in passing.  I know as things fall apart in life, I can always find my way back into the shadows of the kings.  I can find solace in the band of conquistadors milling about in the desert environs, breathing in perfect cadence up some alpine route…I know I have a home here, and this weekend I will once again stand before the Kingfisher, bathed in the light and simultaneously comforted in his shadow.  I will stand at the base of this giant once again, nerves firing, fear rising, soul shaking, and I will tie into my partner and move forward..upward..and into that world where it all disappears.  I know all these years later that to summit, to be successful in the laymen’s sense, is nothing compared to actually standing before such a giant, summoning the love of the Kings, and doing it anyway.  Summit or not…we will climb.  Success is in the trying.  In facing the inevitable and doing it anyway.  Should I find myself standing on his shoulders, I shall thank that King for allowing my passage…and in that moment I will let go of the gravity pulling at my heels in these trying times.  I will face the sun and smile….for I will have made it another day!  Here’s to the Kings in all our lives.  May their shadows ever cover us in peace.

Unclaimed Baggage

  The space between life and our end is mercurial, unknown, and ultimately that time, and what we fill it with, is left to each of us.  Until we are faced with, truly faced with, our demise it seems we don’t really take the time to stop and look at the space in between with a sense of urgency and drive.  Why is it that when someone passes we have a “celebration of life”?  Why do we look “back” and feel sadness at the “should have’s, could have’s, and didn’t”?  Shouldn’t we be having gatherings with friends, family, and loved one’s more often?  Shouldn’t we be having a celebration of life each day as our feet hit the floor in the morning?  When’s the last time you woke up elated just to have a day before you?  How about taking that trip you’ve talked about incessantly for so long?  Why as a society do we tend to put our lives on cruise control and just sit back and wait?  Shouldn’t we be looking forward instead?  Realizing that the clock is ticking and we don’t have a whole lot of time to chase our dreams? 

  We all carry our baggage in different ways.  Some of us carry more than others.  Sharing the weight with another soul certainly makes the effort less burdensome, but unloading the baggage, leaving it behind, and simply carrying less, makes a whole hell of a lot more sense to me.  We can’t ditch all of our past and the pain, but we can certainly try and lighten the load.  In doing so, we can then focus more on living the life we envision.  Instead of “dreaming” of doing…we have a lighter load and more freedom (internally) to devote our hearts and minds to DOING.  Doing now, and not putting our dreams on the back burner.  Why, in a world where we’ve sent men to the moon, do we find it so hard to believe that we can achieve our wildest dreams?  Want to run a marathon?  Run it!!!!  Have you dreamed of climbing in the Himalaya?  Go climb!  Paddling distant rivers?  Follow the flow!  To see the brevity and simplicity in life I believe you can serve that task best by letting some of that baggage go, and finding your way to  a foreign country, maybe even a third world country.  The worries of our first world lives don’t seem to find their way into the lives of those who (to us) seem to live a much “poorer” life.  One of the greatest gifts of my years travelling and working in India has been the gift of simplicity.  Spending a month there each year amongst the people of Leh, at the foot of the Himalayas, has been the single most grounding experience each time I set foot in that magical land.  The lack of all the excessiveness we have here, the appreciation of such simple things as running water, a flushing toilet, electricity..it’s hard to come home in anyway but CHANGED.  It’s given me the experience, space, and time to reflect and look at my life and how privileged we are to live in such a great country, and yet how underprivileged we are because we expect so much and we see so narrowly.  We carry far too much baggage!  To wander the Himalayan countryside 366 days ago (to the day) on a rented British motorcycle was absolutely one of the greatest birthday gifts I could ever receive.  I knew on that day that I’d never be the same.  I simply had the time to reflect and be so far from civilization that I was able to release much of the baggage I had held onto.  That one magical day, mystical journey, and beautiful experience allowed me to simply let go of so much.  My life would change tremendously in the coming months and again just recently.

 

  Self discovery is the key that opens so many doors.  Being quiet with your thoughts and truly embracing the gifts we are given each day.  To step outside of your comfort zone and step across our borders is, to me, something we should all do way more often.  To step out of your comfort zone and force yourself to face your life, unanswered questions, and to reach for new heights is an absolute necessity in order to live a full life.  To reach the end someday with a heart and soul full of new experiences, new places, tantalizing tastes, and soul sticking sounds….this is far more appealing to me than to enter my end with the type of assets that most of society tends to acquire.  Money and things can all be taken from us, and yet the investments in our memory banks can never be relinquished or repossessed.  They are the flowers in our souls blowing in the wind, spreading the seeds to so much more.  Travel the world, sail the seas, climb to new heights, but whatever you do….simply DO IT.  Gather your things, simplify your life, and never ever surrender the dreams swirling in your head.  Do it alone from time to time and find a partner to travel the world with you, for a shared experience is a multiplied dream (exponentially), but have the courage to realize we are all on borrowed time and get out and just do this thing called life.  No more excuses, minimize the delays, because somewhere out there someone is having their last day and it’s fairly certain that they’d trade you one more day to chase their one more dream.  Let go of your preconceived notions, release the baggage…leave it on the tarmac…unclaimed!

Rebuilding an Empire

  All too often life can bring us both figuratively and literally to our knees.  Be it a devastating financial blow, death of a loved one, loss of a relationship, or an unexpected (and critical) health issue.  These events all too often have devastating consequences and somehow seem to change, even if slightly, our internal wiring and the way we proceed in life and process whatever challenges lie ahead.  It goes without saying that regardless of your social status, your income level, or your color or creed, we all are faced with these game changers in the time we have here.  As the often used cliché’ goes “it matters little how many times you get knocked down, only that you get back up”.  It’s always been a favorite mantra of mine and one for which I sadly find myself repeating over and over for motivation to keep on keepin’ on.  Nothing in my life seems to have come easy.  From the most mundane of achievements and tasks to the truly monumental accomplishments in my life, I tend to go against the grain, swim upriver, and generally just find the way that feels best to me as opposed to taking the path of least resistance.  Rarely does my path find me effortlessly gliding through the slipstream of life..hands behind my head, staring at the sun, and just relaxing into the next chapter.  I love a good challenge and taking the road less traveled has truly allowed me to build an empire of love, memories, experiences, and values within the span of my life.  Even in matters of health, my body, injuries, etc, I seem to have the propensity to go big.  From broken bones, near misses, epic failures involving severe bodily injury, and even to the issues beyond my control, I seem to just end up finding myself facing, and subsequently overcoming, monumental odds. 

 

  I’ve survived two horrid break ups which entailed absolute destruction of all I had believed, built, or earned in my life.  Both internally, externally, monetarily, and spiritually, these two events completely destroyed me, however I’ve been able to pick up the pieces each time and build a more solid, resilient, and beautiful empire within my heart.  I’ve even been able to forgive beyond what I thought possible and in the case of my marriage, I’ve found a way to look back and see BOTH of our mistakes and to look beyond that, past that, and into the GOOD we shared and smile upon those memories, wrap my heart in the forgiveness, and finally call her a friend.  As I’ve taken the lessons from past relationships I find myself more careful (almost to a fault) and less afraid to acknowledge the “true” feelings as they surface.  I’ve also found that I’m more aware of what is NOT right and the things I cannot change, and hopefully gracefully letting those go.  More than anything I’ve realized there’s compromise in a relationship and that’s never ending, and yet there is a time when you have to be strong enough to know “it” is not in your best interest and you have to know with all your heart when you’ve sacrificed too much of yourself and graciously, kindly, and gently bow and say a peaceful farewell.  Had I never endured the agony of the past, I’d have never had the strength, self respect, or dignity to identify these things.  Only when that empire (relationships) came crashing down was I able to sift through the rubble, stand my ground, pick myself up, dry my tears and slowly pick up what pieces I could and build a more solid empire.  I picture that often in my mind.  Standing upon some great wall (not a misnomer in anyway) overlooking the sea of life still out there, basking in a brilliant sunset and knowing I had the tenacity to stand my ground even as the walls came crashing down….and the stubbornness to not give up.  I allow these images to remain with humble gratitude for the experiences that have allowed me to build a stronger “me”.  I’ve reached the point in my life where I see my own reflection, my life’s journey, and I smile so vibrantly in spite of all the heartache, for I know something resounding and great is right around the next bend.  In the last year I’ve come to a place where I truly believed nothing more could ever bring me down or rattle the walls within.  I’d built these walls (as we all logically do) perfectly and to the precise height so as to allow only those things, beings, and experiences I chose to invest in, over and into my world.  I had stood like a stonemason with pride in my heart and dirt on my hands, proud of the work I had done. 

 

  And then on a brilliant March night (27^th) my entire world would come unglued once again, and on a scale I never imagined.  As the prior months passed and my training for this year’s India/Himalaya trip progressed I was feeling healthy, joyful, and full of hope and life.  I had become fitter than I should be (on all accounts) and happier than I had been in quite some time.  I had met a wonderful woman, friend, and lady who would become not only my partner, but she’d literally be a guardian angel on that fateful night.  I had just returned home from a run and Amber and I were in the kitchen preparing to cook dinner.  She had come into my life like a ghost in the night.  Unforseen and unexpected would both be gross understatements.  I was “solid” and happy in my little empire.  Never too stand offish and always open to an unexpected possibility, and yet reality proved again and again that what I had decided to wait for, what I wanted, what I felt I deserved, just didn’t exist.  And like a ghost in the night she came from nowhere, seemingly appearing from the mist, and gracefully, gently, and beautifully our paths crossed.  I was so happy and content in the space I had found and created…then along came a girl and she effortlessly walked right through my walls.  We were wrapped up in another evening of talking, smiling, listening to music, and preparing to do one of our favorite things together..cook…when suddenly I couldn’t speak.  I was unable to get the words out that I felt were so effortlessly flowing from my mind.  Second by second it got worse until I couldn’t even understand simple words that Amber was saying.  Another second or two passed and I could feel my heart beating with a tachycardia rhythm and my limbs were going numb.  The beautiful woman before me, who I’d just begun to know, suddenly began to be an unrecognizable blur.  The angel became blurry as my eyes began to fail.  She appeared as a ghost, yet in a way unfathomable and horrifyingly real.  I could no longer stand, breathe, see, talk, or even understand.  I was having a stroke and deep down the years of being an EMT gave me the wherewithal to know immediately what was happening.

 

  I had felt fine on my run, if not a bit better than normal.  Nothing extraordinary until the walk home where I momentarily lost my vision and felt as though I was a staggering drunk as I walked home.  At the point where I lost vision, I simply sat down, too stubborn to wave for help, and waited for it to pass, assuming I had merely gone hypoglycemic.  Almost three weeks later we now know that I did indeed have  a “mini stroke” or what’s medically known as  a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack).  I’ve been poked, prodded, had more images of my brain, heart, and vasculature taken than I’d care to admit.  For the sake of not taking too many pages to explain it, the outcome is better than worst case scenario, and yet far from “good” as many so gracelessly have come up and bestowed their elations upon me because I don’t have to have immediate brain surgery.  The fact remains; I have an aneurysm on the left side in my carotid artery.  It is JUST below the brain.  A large portion of the carotid seems to be damaged as do some arteries in the back of the head.  Consensus is that the years of fighting (MMA, Muay Thai, Judo, and Jiu Jitsu) left me with a permanent reminder of the fragility of life.  The last few weeks have completely knocked my empire down once again and truly left me with a whole new view, perspective, and attitude about life and those around me.  I watched in my semi comatose state as my girlfriend stood by my side, picked me up (literally) and never let me feel sorry for myself for too long.  I watched some distant friends rally and help me in ways I never imagined.  I saw a friend from my childhood (Mick) stand before me and listen as my voice failed and the tears fell in the days that followed as I prepared for a journey to Denver for better medical care.  He listened as my voice broke as I faced the fear, made sure my life insurance was in order, and even as I had to assure that I had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in place.  We all believe we are “ready” (at least I think we all think we are) and for the first time, in spite of all the close calls, I was truly faced with the fact that at any moment my aneurysm could rupture and I could leave this place with not so much as a goodbye or even a final thought.  It’s the single most humbling experience I’ve ever endured.  Not just for the scary and immediate reality, but because I’ve seen so many kind people simply show love and support.  I’ve also seen the wicked side of a person and pure hate in the midst of it all…I’ve seen the pain in another so deep that they could not let their pride go even when faced with the end…my end. 

 

  In what seems like the blink of an eye it all changed.  In what is truly a brief moment in the grand scheme of things I’ve been reminded that pure and simple love exists all around us and living amongst it all can be pure hate and anger.  I’ve seen a single spark of admiration ignite into a raging inferno of appreciation and love.  I watched so completely helplessly as those close to me suffered just as much (if not more) as we waited for answers.  I’ve seen the empire not just come crumbling down again, but completely disappear and suddenly I find myself standing before life, reality, my maker, and humanity…wondering…hoping…and praying that the life I have lived has been of purpose.  That should the time bomb in my head go off, I can rest knowing that I made a difference.  That I’ve loved selflessly and that I’ve forgiven completely.  That the footprints I leave in the lives of those close to me will not simply wash away.  I shall never forget the pain on the faces of my two amazing kids as they sat on the couch after I got out of the hospital and had to explain to them what this meant.  The absolute pure pain and shock finding its way from within them, through their eyes, and pouring onto the couch.  The question I could not answer “daddy are you going to die”?  And yet I truly thought I had rebuilt my empire and could poignantly and gracefully look them in the eye and say something brilliant like “we are all going to die”…and yet all I could think at that moment was “damnit I’m not done yet”.  All I wanted to say to them in that moment was “daddy’s going to be fine and beat this” and deep down I could not fill them with false hope or make an empty promise that could haunt them for the rest of their days.  The only fitting answer I could give them was “all daddy knows how to do is fight”.  And fight I have, and fight I shall…but the inevitable truth is I just don’t know what this will mean tomorrow, next week, or next year, or whether I will get any of those.

 

  As strong as I remain I’m rattled to the core.  Staring at the sea of life, standing here trying to rebuild this time around…it all looks so different now.  The things I “want” from relationships, the time I waste in distress or anger…it all fades and blurs as my vision did on that fateful night.  I’ve come, in a very short time, to realize that my empire doesn’t need walls at all.  My empire is brilliant and resoundingly strong.  I find myself redefining my life, ambitions, dreams, and goals almost on a daily basis lately.  I am rattled far less easily, I accept far fewer excuses from others or myself, and more than anything I’m far firmer in my resolve when it comes to what I want with what’s left of my days and who I choose to share that time with.  Slowly I’m rebuilding my little empire in my soul, but this time the building blocks are not made of stone, they are made with the souls that surround me and the love I get in return for all the love I pour out.  My walls are the friends and family around me and these walls do not fall down.  I will rise again, even if for one more day, but I shall no longer hang onto the things, people, ideas, or events that try so desperately to rob me of my resolve.  What is important to me today is astoundingly different than even a month ago.  My path is certain, I see clearly if only for a moment, and my journey and time is mercurial at best, I am standing again and facing the light.  Rebuilding my empire one vibrant light filled moment at a time.   Should the bomb go off, should I not get one last goodbye, I truly hope that my last breath shall be with a sense of peace and love within.  My final hope would be to leave this world a bit better than it was before.

 

 

“This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime” ~

A Delicate Balance

   Each of us is unique, eclectic in nature, and dynamic in character.  The diversity amongst us has always been something of a wonder to me, something I relish in and cherish.  It’s always so fantastic to meet people from all walks and to learn of their experiences, fears, hopes, etc.  At the end of the day I feel we are all of the same cloth and share similar fears as well as joys.  We are all just individuals, yet collectively we make up such an amazing society.  Our experiences stack up within our own psyche’s to help shape our lives and ultimately guide us into our respective futures.   A single event, or a series of events, can tip the sales in our lives.  A myriad of life’s experiences culminate to help us make choices as we progress through our days.  For me, it’s been an amazing life so full of challenges and triumphs.  I continually work at the process of evaluating what I need to, letting go of what I have to, and holding on to what shapes me, and as gracefully as possible, I move forward while always maintaining a delicate balance.

 

  Fear can be a tremendous weight on the scales of life and hope the great equalizer.  All too often we let our fear dictate our path.  Unlike many other experiences, fear can stop us dead in our tracks.  Whether it’s a fear of failure, heights, water, violence, the unknown, or any other experience we label as “fearful”, these experiences can act as a road block to greater things beyond that heavy burden you carry.  While I have made it my life’s work to face my fears head on, crush them (if possible), or just reshape my perception of that fear in order to move past it, around it, over it, or straight through it.  I’ve made it my goal to NOT let fear be the factor that finds me languishing in that stagnant space where my life is not moving forward.  I’ve been fairly successful and yet one of my own personal fears seems to always tip the scales and leave me defenseless to its power, cowering at its feet, and utterly unable to get through it.  In this case, that fear is the fear of letting a potential partner in too close.  It seems that only two relationships in my life, their subsequent failures, and the ensuing pain, have left me in a place of stagnant development, devoid of the ability to progress in a relationship beyond anything but the most basic level of interaction.  I tend to clam up and shut down when I meet a woman and I realize I am opening up and becoming vulnerable.  I process it in my mind and often rationalize (in my mind) that this is all just too fast, precocious in nature, and I need to just go back to my safe space.  I tend to face my demons head on, and with a zest for a good fight, and yet this one demon has all too often found me walking away from something that had potential to be incredible, beautiful, and meaningful. 

 

  It’s not only irrational in many senses, but it goes against the very essence of my being.  To let fear hold us back is, to me, one of the great travesty’s of our ability as humans to connect within our society.  On a more personal level it’s made it hard to even imagine meeting, getting to know, and ultimately falling in love with a woman again.  It’s irrational I know, but it’s my demon to slay and thus far I’ve been pretty unsuccessful.  I’m an incredibly energetic man, driven to a fault, and immensely passionate in the things (and people) I love.  Trying to find the balance again after some painful losses has been remarkably challenging.  There’s little more at the foundation of life that I love more than simply to LOVE.  To perfect it, be with it, express it, and to honor it, and yet it seems to elude me even when it’s so close.  I realize that timing is everything and being by myself is actually a very good thing but I know all too well the negative side of keeping that pattern going simply for the sake of NOT exposing myself to pain again.  I know (even beyond relationships) that to not risk is to never gain.  My life without risks would likely lull me into a sad and quiet existence where I’d simply melt away into the folds of society and see me to an early grave full of sadness and devoid of passion that I so thrive on. 

 

  I’m slowly evolving, growing, and moving from that space of fear.  I’m branching out, taking risks, and opening up my heart to those whom I choose to allow in.  It’s been a process of baby steps, and often times I find myself retreating and needing that soft nudge to move me forward, one baby step at a time.  At a time in my life where I love the man I am, embrace my own imperfections, and still stride on full of hope, it’s a wonderful feeling to allow someone to step in a little closer.  It’s abundantly clear that we cannot force anything as natural as love, yet we can be so closed off that the possibility is extinguished so quickly that you miss the little spark that could have ignited a raging inferno.  I see my imperfections, I work on those that I can change, and I accept those for which I am forever left with.  Gracefully, slowly, and delicately I’m opening the door to my heart, to life, and to love once again.  As I see the shadows of my past I no longer run as quickly….I stand there and see that the shadows are a part of me.  Without them it would be a two dimensional world, and yet with the right amount and angle of light even the darkest shadow fades away.  I will not live in fear, I will not run from the shadows.  I will not let the past mistakes and errors in my life become a roadblock to something wonderful and rewarding.  I will let my determination stand upon the scales of life like a rock opposing the inconsequential weight of a feather.  I WILL surely fall down, and I will likely find myself retreating once again, but I will recognize the beauty before me and open myself to what could be..free of fear, expectations, preconceived notions, or bated breath.  I will breathe into the space I find myself in, open up, explore, let go, and find the balance.  When the scale tips the wrong way, I will apply the weight of love and find my way back onto the path I know awaits me.  I will cast the lines and turn towards the sun and gracefully sail with the wind.  If I’m lucky I will arrive upon some distant shore, somewhere, someday down the road, and if I’m even more lucky I will look down and see footprints in the sand next to mine..and a hand in my own.  A partner, a companion, a traveling soul to share life’s journey with me.