Soul Trangression

We live in a constant state of flux.  Change is not only inevitable but constant.  I’ve been pretty content in the process of growing, changing, and just submitting to the changes in life.  Letting go has been difficult in my life but I’ve come so far.  Not looking back, rebuilding, and most of all accepting, are all things  I’ve worked tirelessly on in recent years.  Accepting my past, who I am (regardless if that changes) and the myriad of thoughts that run through my mind are by far the toughest challenges I’ve faced.   Being quiet with all of this, whether that be in mediation or in some activity where I tend to lose the outside static noise, is something I’ve found to be not only cathartic, but a place where I banish the dark parts as they arise.  One of my ongoing struggles has been fear.  The fear of failure, loss, starting over, etc, wreaks havoc in an otherwise peaceful state within me.  I struggle with pushing through so much.  Fear in the worldly sense is not often a roadblock for me.  I’m not too afraid of heights, trauma, pain (physical), fighting, bears, big waves, etc, etc, etc….and yet the simple fears that I face can often times seem insurmountable.  The fear of losing someone important and/or close to me can freeze me dead in my tracks.  It’s a huge contradiction when in reality I’ve been “alone” most of my life.  Even when surrounded by others, I’m alone inside and too afraid to get close for fear of losing someone.  It’s a labyrinth of emotions that I feel deep within, but as life has unfolded I’ve come to simply accept that getting really close to someone, genuinely close, might be beyond my reach.  My reactions to these situations just seem to exacerbate the cyclical thoughts and feelings that pass through me.  And so I’ve simply accepted this reality rather than face it, acknowledge it, work through it, and finally banish it.   Simply put; that is not an acceptable solution, it’s merely a delay in the inevitable.  Being afraid of the darkest parts within usiisn’t the way to get over the fear, and I of all people know this all too well.

 

  There is darkness within each of us.  No one comes into this world perfect in every way.  We develop habits and patters as we grow and many are never given the gift of realizing these things so that we may change and/or accept them.  For me it took someone standing there beside me, relentless and steadfast, for me to realize that something deeper was at play here.  Simply allowing someone in that close was a testament to the progress that I neither expected nor tried to make.  Then to realize that there were demons far more nefarious than I had imagined, well this has actually proven to be a gift.   The skeletons in my closet would turn out to be so much greater than I had imagined.  Had I suppressed my past in order to survive, or had I just ignored something hard to accept?  Unfortunately as time goes by, and the darkness spreads its wings, I realize that there has been an inordinate amount of suppression.  It’s a shock to the system, to say the least, to realize there’s something deeper when you felt as though you had come so far.  The fact that there’s a journey yet to make when you had travelled across a barren landscape of emotions can take the very breath from you and make you act irrationally. Feeling as though something so painful has suddenly reared its ugly head can make you feel defenseless, and yet deep inside all you know is that you have to face the darkness.   While your overwhelming fear (and patterns) tell you to stuff it down, to flee, you have to feel you way through it, all the while hoping and praying that you will dive into this dark pit not alone but with someone to hold your hand, hold you up, pick you up, and simply endure this journey with you.  However, that can be not only unrealistic but unfair to even hope fur such a gift.  Some journey’s must be made alone, and alone is the way I’ve gotten this far so if alone it must be, alone I shall go.  All I can do is feel my way through the darkness with the steadfast resolve of one on a mission.  I know the sudden exposure to these things have caused me to react to situations, people, and problems in a way that I’ve never seen.  Knowing that on the other side of all this lies a better me, a more refined human being, I face this battle, whether alone or with another hand in mine, I know I cannot run, I cannot hide, and most of all I cannot escape my past or any darkness that remains locked inside.   The only way to banish the darkness within is by facing it, trying to understand it, and ultimately accepting the good and the not as good within me and those around me.  The only way to soften the darkness is by bringing light into that space and for me that is sure to entail some digging, understanding and ultimately accepting.  I am steadfast in my resolve and unwavering; I will face this beast with relentless persistence. 

 

  I’m grateful for the lessons in this life, for the kindness shown me, and yet I cannot help but look at the sudden realization of this darkness as a soul transgression and a shakedown of my very character.  I see there is a problem, I know it comes from deep within, and far off, but at what cost will this enlightenment come?  Life is about learning, loving, accepting, and leaving this place a little bit better for having been here.  Kindness isn’t merely a virtue, in my opinion it’s an absolute necessity to a life well lived.  The fact that I’ve been faced with gushing anger, resentment, and confusion as a result of this life lesson is dumbfounding and perplexing and yet if I only apply I little kindness and compassion to myself, I can make peace with my mistakes and focus on facing this thing.  Life is a journey meant to challenge us.  As we age we add lessons to the quiver of lessons we carry through this life.  Will I conquer this beast?  With the help of those close to me (the ones that HAVE gotten in) and with a little grace, humility, and determination, I think I’ll actually grow from the experience.  Life’s lessons present themselves when we need them most.  My hope is that the damage isn’t too deep, the discoveries will be swift and the acceptance and moving forward even more so.   Looking within, I’ll find the darkness, feel my way through it, and bring light into that space…ultimately coming out the other side a bit better, a bit wiser, and maybe…just maybe…without too much collateral damage.  To those close…I feel you near, I hear your voices, and they fuel the fire to persevere.  Here’s to facing the darkness….and the transgression of the soul and all we thought possible.  In the end it matters not that we possessed something unexpected, and even dark within, only that we faced it.  Likewise….it matters little how we get through it…only that we didn’t walk alone, and if we did walk alone, at least we walked with grace and humility.  In the end…it matters that we were brave enough to stay the course and see it through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aviccii ~ Wake Me Up

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost