Unbroken and Unafraid

  There’s a grief that can’t be spoken.  A love so loud it can’t be heard.  There’s saddens in loss more profound than the most explicit of feelings.  Life will always knock us down.  Life too easy would be a life mundane and not worth the challenge.  We all lose, we all suffer, and we all feel loss and deal with the consequences in our own way.  There’s a space within the deepest grief where we are stripped of all but the rawest emotions.  It is only within that space where we reach a level of strength and courage unobtainable anywhere else.  Within the confines of our pain we can not only survive the grief, endure the sadness, we can let the love still remaining scream to the world around us.  We can not only endure, but grow from the pain, flourish and thrive within the struggles.

  I’ve seen the depths of that despair in the span of my life.  I’d wish the pain upon no one, the indignity not upon my worst enemy.  I’ve been treated more fair and kindly in a straight up fist fight.  I am blessed beyond belief to have the support system to surround me when this unforeseen apocalyptic crash came upon me.  I shall never forget the gentle souls that reached out to me literally picking me up as the pain took over my soul.  I see their faces now so vibrant and bright.  Caring so kindly and giving so altruistically, many from unexpected places in this little mountain community.  From the Moab deserts, Durango’s sandstone cliffs, to the corner in my room where I sat with my head in my hands soaking the hardwood floors below me, I see their hands, their grace, and their unequaled support.  It’s within the depths of that despair, upon our knees, that the best in our friends emanates from their very souls.  Those who step forward and toe the proverbial line of pain with you, those are the friends to keep close, to keep in your corner, and to commit undogged dedication to as your life continues down whatever path you emerge upon.

 

 As the light returns, the pain diminishes, and the flood of tears subsides back into the sea within, you are given the glorious opportunity to stand tall again, unafraid and full of life.  You can spend the necessary time upon your knees, screaming in silence at the unthinkable hell you’ve just endured, and yet you can emerge a better person than before.  These things I know, these things I know all too well, and yet I still look back with a gleam in my eye and a tear upon my soul for the one I loved so much, trusted so completely, in spite of it all, it is still that one so close that wreaked utter and total havoc on your heart and soul.  It is the remorseless nature that eats at you, the unthinkable disregard for all things conscionable to the most basic of moral values.  Yet as the journey takes me further away from that place I look back not in sorrow, but in pity.  I have compassion and I want to reach back and take away her pain, even after all of this, but I cannot.  To do so would dishonor all I’ve attained thus far, all those that have walked with me, all that I have learned.  I can forgive, and it’s the most liberating thing I’ve done, but it does NOT excuse the behavior or the acts of moral attrition.  I simply must let that person go and continue on the cyclical journey they’ve chosen.  

 

  It’s from this journey from hell that you find within yourself and those around you, a beauty and dignity so brilliant and bright.  You learn to embrace all the emotions, all the pain, even the one who betrayed you, and you start to see life as an unspoken journey taken one step at a time.  I still see her face when I close my eyes, but the moving cinema of our past has become nothing but a still image of us standing at the base of some rock face, smiling into the lens of life.  I hold that image, and I always will, close to my heart.  I choose to see the good, to take the good with me into the next stages of this journey.  I take the moments of incredible love and I hold them close.  I let the turmoil, torment, and hell fall away as I move on.  I hear her voice and I let the anger fall away so that only the laughter remains.  I paint this picture of my journey, and I choose what to take along.  Our love was real in my heart, brushing my very soul, and I embrace the beauty within it, and I let the rest go.  My love for her, what morsels remain, will be, and shall remain, unspoken as I move through this day.  I have gained so much from these soldiers of mine.  The friends in the trenches, toeing the line.  I have grown and I see such a bright future ahead.  I know my time alone could be forever, the damage too deep to completely ignore, but I have hope for better.  I visualize a time and place on my journey full of radiant happiness and all I can give returned to me in kind.  I see the possibility in my future, and yet I see no fine details, but just a blank and fantastic canvas..I see her out there, searching and waiting.  I know she’s there perfecting her own journey.  I hope that if this is indeed to be, that we will meet one day, complete and resolute in whom we are.  Neither soul “completing” the other, only complimenting each other.  If I’m privileged enough to find such a soul out there, I will not allow my love to be unspoken, I will not allow my soul to hide in the shadows, I will unleash my passion and let it scream in deafening brilliance, I will embrace my uninhibited soul and stand in unspoken grace, unbroken and unafraid.  I shall feel love again; I shall allow it again someday, but not yet.  My journey at this moment is one of self perfection, reflection, and discovery.  Upon that day where our paths meet, where our journey connects, in that time, I shall not remain silent.  My love will not go unspoken, and until then I shall continue hopeful and unbroken. 

  Should my time pass having never loved again, having never crossed paths, I shall still scream in that deafening brilliance as I breathe my last breath, for I HAVE loved deeply in this life, unbroken and unafraid.

Where the Mountains Meet the Sea

 

  The sound resonates through my soul.  From my bones all the way to the epidermis.  I hear that melodic sound all these years later.  I was raised around the sea and once that sound permeates your being, you cannot ever shake it.  The smell of the salty air and the feeling of warm sand under your toes are all equally tantalizing.  It makes my pulse race and my skin crawl thinking of standing there all those days, mornings, and evenings of my life.  Staring at the sea, reading the sets, studying, looking for the best line, calming the soul, and feeling the pull of that space.  Riding a wave, sliding along, feeling its energy is something you think you can imagine, until you do it, and only then do you realize that you had no clue how incredible of a feeling it was before you actually did it.  It’s a sensation like no other.  It’s something you cannot completely describe to one who has yet to slide along the face of something made of pure energy coming from the sea.

 

  I have spent the entirety of my life, when not being a husband, or father, or a provider, chasing my dreams.  Chasing the challenges that come to me in the night.  Dancing with the demons, the fears, the sensations, that fuel the fire within.  I’ve never been able to just run the middle line and be like most folks.  I prefer to hang it out there a bit further and to not make excuses as to why I cannot do this, that, or chase a dream.  We’ve always lived in some pretty remarkable places, from Alaska, Hawaii, to California, and now Colorado.  I find peace in these arenas.  I find solace and love in the high mountains, and I find life, passion, and a deeper peace in the sea.  There’s no sound quite like the melody that resonates from the sea, no silence like that found on some high alpine face.  As my life has changed, evolved, and unfolded before me, I feel more and more drive to find these moments within these arenas.  It’s hard to convey to anyone who’s not as driven, but you know that deep within you there’s an insatiable drive to seek out these places and all of the moments that they have to offer.  It’s so incredibly hard to explain to those around you why you can never stop exploring these environments, never stop filling your tank with the high octane sensations you bring home from the mountains and the sea.   

 

  I often feel as though I am living my life backwards.  In reverse of the way most of society sees fit to spend one’s middle to later years.  I don’t want to grow up!  I refuse to settle and I damn sure won’t slow down until I have to.  I’ve spent my time on the sidelines due to injury, the need to push my career more, and due to being in an incredibly unhealthy relationship where my fire was all but extinguished.  I know now that to relinquish your flame to any one person is synonymous to giving up your very soul.   Whatever passions ignite the fire within you, you must at all cost feed that flame or you suffer the chances of your burning passion going out, or worse yet, becoming just like so many other souls out there just punching the clock of life and bumbling through the God given days that are so precious.  To yield when your drive is untamable is nothing short of throwing in the towel. 

 

  I’ve chased these passions for all of my years and I know now that it is who I am.  I do not want to take my last breath with a list of “could haves” in my heart.  I want that list to be worn, tattered, full of crossed off dreams, held together by a thread from years of being rewritten and redefined.  I want to live so completely that I someday lay exhausted in one of these arenas staring, unblinking, upon a glorious sky, knowing that I chased the waves, danced with gravity, stoked my fire, and rode this raging bull called life until I could hang on no more.  When all of these elements come together within me I can scarcely contain the desire to grab my gear, grab my boards, point my truck in some far off direction, and go!  Go brilliantly towards the sea, towards the mountains of my life, towards the next far flung place.  I’ve climbed all over this world, surfed up and down the Pacific, run some incredibly remote trails, and paddled class V+ rivers…and nearly lay upon each to take my last breath.  And yet I cannot stop the raging inferno within.  I cannot explain the desire to keep on going, to seek out the next adventure, and to ABSOLUTELY immerse myself into the sensations pouring from each.  I am here only a short time.  If you believe conventional science, I would be about half way through this life, and yet I feel as though I’m only half way primed.  We are all dying, each of us growing older with each passing day.  Each of us beginning the process of dying from the moment we are born.  Or are we?  We can use that axiom as fuel to push us to get after our dreams!  But we can also look at it as I do…that I’ve just begun!  Yesterday was but a day to prepare me for greater glory…bigger waves, higher mountains, longer runs, and rivers raging ever more fiercely.  Today is the day!  Now is the time.  Get up and move on from yesterday into a better tomorrow.  Train harder, run further, charge your waves, and let your fire find its sea!  Whatever your passion, find the music in it, find the dance, feel the love, and keep chasing those dreams, for today is one day closer to the day you look back upon your list!  Will you smile, or regret?  That choice is yours..TODAY!

Swan Song

The “swan song” in ancient Greece was a metaphorical phrase used to signify a final gesture before death. The phrase refers to an ancient belief that swans sing a beautiful song in the moment just before death, having been silent during most of their life. Suffice it to say that each of us possesses something within that makes us want to do something fantastic just before we go. Whether that means before we leave this world, or simply say goodbye to a part of our life that is ending. Furthermore I think it's safe to say that any of us have the capacity to fight if pushed to a certain point. It's in all of us, it's primal, and it's real. That survival instinct that for some of us is right on the surface, and for others it's buried so deep within.  Throwing in the towel, letting go, or saying goodbye can be difficult when you truly believe in your heart that what you are turning from was worthy, just, and worth the fight. As we come to the realization that we must go, we feel the song in our hearts percolating to the surface.  A final goodbye, a final cry, the final I love you.  When the undertones beneath the pulse of a relationship run against the grain of your soul, you must release the harmony and bow out as gracefully as possible with all the dignity and self respect you can muster.   

  When you reach the point where there is no more fight left in you be still awhile, be quiet and listen to the music in your heart. I wonder now how long I lay there in her arms a complete stranger. No more goodbye's, I've said my last, no more room to cry, I cannot last, I cannot rise again and step back into that ring. No more I love you’s and no more laughter shared.  With the help of some desert flowers, sandstone walls, and amazing friends, I’ve reached deep into my soul and strummed the strings of my heart song one last time.  I’ve belted out the tune from deep within, one last time.  Sitting upon a sandstone boulder, in an isolated canyon, listening to the wind act as my quartet, I bury in the sand the image I’ve carried with me.  I’ve removed my shoes and slowly buried half of the equation into the sand.  Sliding my toes deeper, to a cooler place, searching but knowing this would now be a solo serenade to whatever tomorrow brings. 

  The desert sky fades to pink, red, orange and blue, and I sit bathed in the fading light, strumming my guitar and allowing the tears to soak the sand.  I strum harder, I reach deeper and I release it.  I sing my swan song to the fading light, toes in the sand, searching, but letting go.  There will be the toes of another to meet mine someday.  Just below the surface, in a cooler place with less volatility and hostility.  Until that day arrives, I will sing, I will dance, I will play, and I will be unafraid to strum those strings and discover all that this life has to offer.  In the astounding clutch of this experience I shall sing my song and dance my dance.  I have said my last goodbye and I now sing to the desert sunsets, the dancing winds, and the glowing moonlight that surrounds my days.  I will pack my guitar and move into the next day, sing a new song, and smile with all the exuberance I can muster.  This life I lead is the one shot that I’ve got and I shall not waste another key, another chord, or another day.  I stare across the sands of this life and I sing my swan song to the heavens and I smile up at the stars as I sit in the glowing light of a crackling fire.  I am free, I am me, and I am content.  As the light fades, a new sunrise will follow.  Face the setting sun, strum those strings, and sing your swan song into that fading light.

Ghosts in the Night

Arising from the cold winter mist, bathed in moonlight and frosty glitter, we approached in laughter and childish exuberance.  A magical evening full of libations, friends, and laughter was so abruptly terminated by a single moment.  It’s astounding how deep words can cut and how exhausting a single moment can be, but with the help from truly amazing people, the night was turned one hundred and eighty degrees and that fantastic evening became this moment in a pasture bathed in silver moonlight.  She was new to our circle, a mere outsider hours before, and yet she was able to turn something so dismal into one of the most magical moments of my life.  We pulled over in her Jeep at what appeared to be a random turn off, but her plan was in motion already.  We were there to meet Corona, her horse and beloved friend.  He was out there somewhere in that pasture.  We had no light but that of the moon and we had no direction but to head for the apparition’s in the distance.  We laughed and joked, hopped through the fields, and became lost in the conversation and laughter.  Lost in our own space we simply walked towards the moonlit pines, the sound of the river in the distance, and the profile of the majestic mountains all around us.

 

  As the apparitions began to form more dominant figures in the night, my gait slowed and my heart began to pound.  Where was Corona and why were there so many more before us?  She gently pulled me along, sensing my trepidation and the slowing of my pace.  Her smile radiant in that silver light, reassuring and comforting, telling me to relax and just be.  Slowly, one by one, they began to rise, move, or stir from their slumber.  I could see the mist exiting from deep within their powerful lungs.  I could hear the flutter of air passing from a peaceful core into the nights chill.  As they ascend from their slumber, collectively recognizing the presence of two outsiders, my pulse began to race and I desperately wanted to flee the gathering assemblage before me.  She simply continued forward, looking over her shoulder and smiling, and I suddenly realized that I was in this far and I needed to trust one with better sense with these creatures.  It was all I had to move forward into the clutch of these ghosts in the night.  To walk towards the fog of their exhales felt like I was walking through their very souls, dancing with the essence of their very breath.

 

  These beautiful creatures came alive in that instant.  Trotting about, grunting, circling, some curious with delight at our presence.  Some timid in the cool frigid air.  Powerfully, peacefully, and delicately they all seemed to come in close.  Encircling us with their grace and covering us with their souls, steam arising from their backs.  The air felt charged with electric energy from their abounding rhythm as they darted in and out, or dancing gracefully on the outskirts of the gathering herd.  I stood paralyzed in utter exuberance.  I found myself face to face with one of the pack and what ensued is something that I will take with me to my final breath.  A white horse approached from the darkness, unhindered, unafraid, and directly at me.  He put his head down as I extended my hand and gently sniffed.  Then he took half a step forward and planted his head into my chest.  I will never forget this magical moment and I will never forget the love pouring from his very soul.  I have always held a healthy respect (if not slight fear) for horses but suddenly I was standing in their world, unafraid and unashamed that I had a tear falling from my eye.  A tear bathed in moonlight and full of anguish and humiliation from weeks of torment and hell.   A beautiful moment, a world away would release those tears.  I am not sure what it means, but somehow I think that one horse came out of the night to lay his head on my chest and tell me it would all be okay.  To not be afraid of the dark and unknown.  To stand fast in the face of adversity and to be still and allow the power around me to just circle and feel the moment.  I will be forever grateful for that night and for a kind soul who knew that the power of those incredible souls could touch me in a way I never knew.  The bottle of wine, crackling fire in the fireplace, and the peaceful, easy conversation that followed were only reminders of what it means to stand in the dark and face the unknown.  Sometimes if we stand in the darkness, under a full moon, we can find the ghosts in the night and bask in the glory and grace of their presence.  If given that opportunity, relish it and be still in the night.  Extend your hand, your heart, and let the white horse bring you peace.

On the Edge

  It is only through falling that we learn to rise again.  Only through our failures are we shown the path to our successes.  When standing on an edge we can feel the earth below us, and yet we can feel the weightlessness before us.  Each time we fall down in life is merely an opportunity to get back up and keep on going.  We must stand through the trials and tribulations in this life in order to appreciate the brevity in that very life.  To know what it is like to stand on the edge, peering into the unknown is a gift like no other.  When someone, or something, pushes you to your edge you have a choice to stand firm in that space.  You can turn your back on what’s beyond that space, face what is pushing you there, and stand resolute in what you know and believe.  At the same time you can turn your back on the abuse, on what’s pushing you, on life’s myriad circumstances that put you there, and you can embrace what’s out there.  You can stand on that edge and not look back.  You have the ability to face that fear of the unknown.  The weightless wonder of new beginnings.  To fall is not final.  To fail is not what defines us.  Getting back up is not optional, but taking the leap into tomorrow with all the gusto you can muster, now that is something wonderful in itself.

 

  Sometimes we find ourselves beat down by the cycles of life.  We too often let our emotions drive us without recognizing that these emotions are simply that!  Thoughts, feelings, and an endless cycle of our brains inability to shut the hell up.  We find comfort and solace in turning back from the unknown; back into the comfort of what we think we know.  We can easily look past the constant diatribe being thrown our way and let our mind tell us that it’s “okay” or “normal”.  That it is just temporary and will change when circumstances change.  Maybe the answer isn’t in accepting what is pushing us, but to accept that it is NOT okay and that we need to redefine our boundaries.  We need to establish these boundaries and place the edge where we see fit, and not where others want to push us.  When you accept the cyclical patterns of abuse, neglect, disrespect, or dishonor, you are only letting someone, or something, else dictate your fate. 

 

  Having the courage to turn your back on something that you felt was important, that you know you love, is tantamount to sliding right up to that edge and dangling your very soul over, into the unknown.  Stopping the cycle can feel like jumping into gravity’s embrace, and yet there is nothing more freeing than doing just that.  We are only here a very short time and each day is precious.  Each friend, each experience is ours to define and ours to make all the richer.  Time is not infinite and none of us are getting out alive.  The tomorrows will not stop coming, but you can make that tomorrow a daring adventure, or stand in the patterns of yesterday. While life is all about patience, and I am a devout believer in second chances, sometimes you must make the choice to break the cycle, to unbind yourself from the chains.  Give all that you can but always keep some in reserve for the one who means the most…YOU.  When you find yourself pushed to the edge, and you have exhausted your very soul, walk a little closer.  Dangle those toes over, spread your wings, don’t look back…and fly!  Fly into the unknown.  Soar into tomorrow and leave the turbulent cycles behind.  Have faith in yourself and be the captain of your own soul.

Chipping Away

  Emerging from some unforeseen circumstance in our life can be like a rebirth.  An opportunity to learn from our past and grow into something even brighter.  Passing through pain can, if you choose, be an opportunity to perpetuate more love unto the world and those around you.  Kindness towards yourself is the key and quietly understanding where you have been can only help you to see more clearly where you are going.  You can filter all the maligned absurdities and simply embrace what was good.  Embrace who, and what you are.  Be a seeker of truth and a defender of honor.  Your path is yours and each step is yours to experience whether it’s a shared journey or one you will continue on your own.  Embrace the journey and think not of the final destination. 

  When we enter a relationship (romantic or otherwise) we come to that place with our past experiences and ideologies.  To come through on the other end, fully intact, and maybe even a bit better for the experience, is something wonderful.  When we have these images of what he or she should be, we have already begun to break down what this other person truly is.  We are raised in a society full of expectations and judgment.  If you know your heart, and if you love who you are, then you should enter into any relationship fully accepting, valuing, and loving the diversity within that other soul.  Chip not at the armor around their heart.  Accept that person completely and fully.  Know that what you are entering is a magical space where you can share beautiful moments and memories that will walk with you into whatever is out there beyond your last breath.  Embrace the differences and shortcomings and know that you too possess so many.  Smile more and find those moments with him/her that make your life all the richer.  Honor the armor around her heart and know that when the timing is appropriate, and if you are lucky enough, there will form a crack in that armor and behind those walls, that armor, that protection, you will find a beautiful heart so full of love and kindness.  If those walls never crumble then at least you have the joy of sharing time with this other soul who clearly attracted you.

  As we pass through a time with another, embrace the time spent and wrap any pain in love for yourself, the experience, and the path ahead.  Focus not on the wrong doing and the pain but on the shared love and the light.  Move towards what is good in front of you and don’t look back on the things that broke you down.  Be who you are and be unapologetic for that.  Keep your own heart close and keep that armor up as long as you must.  Do your best to love and honor the one who you find yourself walking with for they too are just as imperfect as you.  Sit resolute in the silence you find between one another.  Much like the French composer Claude Debussy said; “Music is the space between the notes.” Such is love.  When the silent moments come, when the frustrations grow, when it becomes work to love, you can find the beauty in those moments and persevere and should you not,  then at least you take away something beautiful from that space.  Love can only grow if we put out more love.  Sometimes we give more than we get, and other times we receive more.  Either way, love and kindness are our most effective tools to becoming a better version of ourselves.  When you find yourself in a space where you find love knocking at the wall around your heart, it is up to you to let it fall or to stand firm.  It’s a scary place and a delicate dance, but it is a choice and one not to be taken lightly.  Make the choice carefully and should you find yourself on the other end of this relationship, don’t be bitter but bury the pain in more love.

Out Of the Darkness

  There is a time for peace..at time for war..a time for all things.  More valuable than any other gift we can give ourselves is the gift of letting go.  Truly letting go and stepping into light.  Move forward from a dark time in our lives with all the gusto and gumption we can possibly muster.  To free ourselves from the cyclical patterns that kept us bound to something that kept us from our potential is simply one of the most liberating feelings we can posses.  Whether that dark part of your life is addiction, money problems, perpetual sadness, or a relationship, letting it go and throwing yourself into tomorrow is elation second to none.  Turning your back on something that you thought had become a part of your life, and facing the rest of your life is not only amazing but an act that opens so many more doors.  Letting go of anything can be difficult.  You can let go of hope, love, kindness, friendships, problems, possessions, and once you launch from the bay of darkness you can set yourself adrift into a world of new love, new life, and new possibilities.

  What keeps you in that cycle that you know is tearing you down?  Why do you limit your possibilities and potential?  Within each of us there is greatness.  Not measured by anyone else’s standards.  We are the keepers of what measures up in our lives.  To dwindle away at the hands of something that is clearly holding us back, regardless of what it is, is sacrificing all that we could be, all that we want to be, and all that we know we can be is nothing less than sheer lunacy.  If something is hurting you, move away from it.  Most of us know when we are burned with fire, to not stick our hands back in the fire.  Let the worries of the future go.  Cast off your sails, throw caution to the wind, and rock this bit*%.  You get one shot on this dust ball and you cannot waste one moment when you know you are being held back, stressed, beaten down, or just find yourself in a downward spiral.  Give in to life!

  Sometimes when darkness grabs us, all we need is a friend to walk next to us.  Someone to tell it all to and someone to gently nudge you along.  I know on my journey there are so many friends that have stood there.  Cheering, nudging, cajoling when necessary, and screaming at the top of their lungs to “go”!  No need for names here (you know who you are) but they are out there.  I hope I can make them proud.  I see the smiles on their faces as I pass by now with my head held high, walking tall.  Finding my life again and letting the love pour from inside.  Smiling into the sun.  From the gal who sat along the river with me, to the one who pulls no punches and tells me “you got this”, to those who have sat and listened over a beer.  To the gal who sat ringside, bathed in seat as I let it all out.  What a gift to have such friends.  I feel as though I can take on the world with an army like this. 

  Life is given as a gift.  Truly learning to live without fear is something more.  Learning to walk forward into the face of the unknown is not only a great quality to possess, but paramount to living a full and illustrious life.  To give back to this world, to the friends, to those who have given so selflessly is something I will keep close to my heart from here on out.  For when I felt as though I could not take another step, they carried me.  When I cried, they held me.  When I fell down they lay next to me and encouraged me to get back up.  When I let my own self worth go, they stood steadfast and resolute until I found my footing again.  When I could not breathe they blew life into my soul.  I walk proudly now.  Even as I still feel it around me, I won’t stand in the darkness.  I will not toil in the turmoil.  I will do my best to perfect my life, to perfect my love, and to give it carefully and not bottle it back up due to fear.  I will honor myself and those I love.  I will walk tall and know I gave completely.  As each day passes I will embrace all the emotions that flow through me, I will walk slowly but resolutely out of the darkness.  I will surely find myself in tough times down this road, in the future, but what I learn today, what I do today; will be stored in my heart for the next time I find myself down on one knee.  I will not fail, I may fall, but I will always push through.

A Single Grain

   Hope!  The final frontier for many of us.  A space we hold in our hearts where we find sanctuary in tough times.  When the mountains in our life crumble away, and when the beaches vanish into the sea, with one tiny grain of hope we can hang onto some semblance of a future.  Whatever that may be in our minds, it is ours to digest and dissect ours alone to own and interpret.  Hope is a powerful thing and used wisely can sustain us through so much.  However there lies the antagonistic side of such hope.  Held onto for too long and you can be left hopeless and feeling lost in a sea of despair.  So how then do we find a balance?  How do we decide how to best utilize that hope?

 

  You can hang onto that one grain of sand, that piece of hope.  You truly can until your very last breath.  I feel that to do so is not only dignified but an honorable thing to do.  Life is mercurial at best and who knows what can happen.  However if you fixate on that hope, on that one grain, then you run the risk of an even more enormous fall from grace.  If you hang onto nothing else but hope, you are putting it all on the line.  We cannot invest all that we have on that grain.  Some feel we can redefine that hope and put it towards something more productive than that which landed us in such a barren wasteland.  It’s healthy to feel hopeful and as I said, I feel it’s healthy to keep that one grain close to your heart.  That doesn’t mean that what lies within that hope will remain the same.  As we grow and work through the process of loss, grief, sadness, or disaster, we find ourselves fixated on a tiny spec of what we thought, think, or believe can be.  If we sit in that space too long, it can destroy us.  It’s best we acknowledge this grain of hope and we continually analyze it.  Seeing not just where it lies, but what lies beyond that and maybe even redefining what we think, and where we think that powerful thing should be invested.  If you are careful where you invest your hope, it has the potential to build mountains in your heart; vast beaches in your soul.  If you are open and attentive to what is around you, you have the ability to transform what seems impossible into something more tangible.  Hope for lost love often feels like a one way street.  Why not reinvest that and move forward beyond what you thought possible?  Hope for better.  Hope for what you deserve, and hope for equality.  Most of all, hope for the future and whatever it brings to you.  When you hang your hope on what is gone, you are run the risk of watching it fall.  Don’t let it lay stagnant in an empty space.  Harness it, make a choice, and commit to that choice. 

 

  Hope is good, hope is real, but with one grain left, a gentle breeze is enough to blow it away.  If you choose to hang that grain of hope on what has passed, and you do decide to take that gamble, take it to new heights.  Invest that hope with all you have because you know the risk.  You know the odds are stacked against you so focus, be clear, and go forth gracefully with your heart wide open.  Know that if that wind blows you better hang on for if it blows away that grain you must accept that you were wrong.  Go forth with confidence.  Either choice is up to you, but where you put that hope is of utter importance for if your last grain of hope is lost, life is truly less vibrant without that hope.

 

  Hope sometimes feels like the glue that holds it all together.  When those mountains come crashing down it’s hard to imagine that you could ever see such marvels again.  Yet if you listen quietly and invest wisely, you can watch as that one grain grows back into something so vast and beautiful.  There will be times that you hold the soul of another in your hands, like a handful of sand.  When you find yourself there go gently forward.  As the sand falls through your fingers, realize that maybe, just maybe, a single grain will remain in the creases of that hand.  Go forth gently and invest wisely.  Believe in hope, put it where it belongs, and run boldly into tomorrow.  Believe in hope, believe in love, and believe in life.  Make no apologies for where you invest your hope, and run with the wind, not against it.

Open The Gates

 

   Insecurities, inequities, instability, intolerance, and what if’s.  All emotions that each of us shares.  We often bottle them up inside until they come bursting to the surface.  Recognizing them as just emotions is critical to moving past them.  I too struggle with this process.  I have just as many of these qualities as the next person.  I say “qualities” because without these things we’d all be the most stoic and dry people and who wants that?  These frustrating quarks in each of us make us who we are.  No matter how deep they run, they are who we are and what makes us what we are.  Without them we’d be colorless souls just traipsing around this planet.  I find color in the diversity I find in others.  I don’t want you to be like me, be like the person next to you, I want YOU.  I want 100% authentic (insert your name here).  Be it a friendship or a romantic partner, bring what you’ve got and stand by who you are.  We are all broken.  We all come with a past that has shaped us.  No matter how embarrassing your past may be, no matter how broken you think you are, there is someone out there who loves you for EXACTLY who you are.  Without the pieces of the puzzle that made your past, they’d not have found you so intriguing and fascinating to begin with.  Sure we can have such horrible pasts that we feel it’s ingrained into our very souls, but you can make the choice to work through these things and accept that they are a part of what made you who you are today, or you can let them continue to control your emotions.  Often times these qualities can lead to trouble in our relationships unless we take the time to process them and just accept that they are there.  We have to open the gates of our hearts and let them flow.

 

  As far as insecurity goes, to me it’s the mother of all hurdles.  It’s one that every single person on the face of this earth has in one form or another.  For me, one of them is the fact that I love music.  I love all kinds of music but when a piece speaks to your soul, it just touches you in a way that nothing else can.  I love to sit and strum my guitar.  It’s therapeutic on so many levels.  It’s something I am passionate about, and yet so few know the depth of that passion, or that I even play.  On so many evenings I sit and just play, learn, and strum.  Most people wouldn’t know it because I’m incredibly insecure about it.  I can stand in a room full of people and talk for hours, I can blog to a worldwide audience, and yet nothing makes me more nervous than standing in front of anyone and playing the guitar.  I have self doubts; I lack the confidence to get over the initial stage fright.  I have found that lately I am letting that go more and more.  Through this process of losing one you love, you find the things you love about yourself.  It’s normal to re-focus on yourself and your likes, priorities, and dreams.  It’s healthy!  For me a part of that process is really diving back into my guitar.  Head first and all out.  I’ve found I’m less afraid to accept that “hey maybe you can actually play a bit”.  I cringe less when people walk into a room where I’m playing.  It’s my space and I can sit comfortably, quietly, and happily there, and if someone wanders in to that insecure space, it is just a fleeting moment and it too shall pass.  So, more now than ever, I find myself just plucking away.  It’s an insecurity that may never go away, but I’m learning to silence it in my own way.  To face it head on.

 

  For others their insecurities have far more breadth and depth.  My guitar analogy is minor in comparison to far greater “issues” that lie within me.  These tiny little triggers within themselves can lead to destructive behavior.  This insecurity can destroy all that is beautiful around them and lead them to a space of perpetual fight and flight.  I once knew someone with this problem.  Later, in the end, I’d learn that at the root of these issues lay horrid injustice, after horrid injustice, followed by outright abuse, at the hands of one of two people on the planet who were meant to protect her.  It’s the ultimate sin to impose such sick justice onto a child, and to leave it there for them to deal with throughout their life.  I will never forget the night the years of insecurities came flooding through the gates of her heart.  I’ve never experienced such a tsunami of tears and emotion.  I was elated and honored, to be the one she shared it with, and yet I was saddened and angered that it was perpetuated throughout her life due to the actions of one individual.  To find the root of these lifelong insecurities, anger, and pain, will hopefully be the catalyst for change and growth, but the wounds run deep.  Just by talking about it, letting it out, and facing that fear and insecurity in the face, this woman stood up for her heart, for her life, and for her future.  She looked the demon straight in the face and said “no more”.  What happens tomorrow is unclear, but I hope that the moment she opened those floodgates, she realized that like a lotus flower, she was living with that toxic water (emotions) inside of her, and she could grow in that space now and forever.  She was paralyzed by the demons that were not her own.  She felt unloved, deserted, and beat down in all she did because the water within was stagnant and needed to move.  Like a lotus, she can grow from this and face this anytime she feels those twangs of insecurity, desertion, and pain.  She is good enough!  She is better than good enough because she survived these atrocities over time. 

 

  It’s inspiring to be a part of a moment in someone’s life when you feel (and hope) like you witnessed one’s silent insecurities emerge and purge out of that space they were held so deeply.  Each of us has these tiny little triggers.  These tiny little emotions coursing through our minds.  Some are far bigger than others.  I have far deeper scars than my fear of playing the guitar in front of others, and there are those with still greater underlying issues living beneath the surface, but it’s how we process these that matters most.  It’s having the fortitude to push through this process.  To get out in front of the fears and direct them instead of letting them direct us, which is the essence of change that I feel is necessary to silence the insecurities and other recurring emotions that flow within us.  While we accept that these things make us who we are, we do not have to accept that we deserved whatever it is, or was, that planted these seeds.  Only when we find the capacity to love ALL that we are, and all that we are not, can we love another properly and fairly.  Whatever silent little demon that you may have, and whatever it is that put it there, you can drive or you can sit and let it drive you.  The choice is yours.  See it, feel it, accept it, put it where it needs to be, and be all that you can be.  No castle is built from one stone.  It takes many, of varying sizes, shapes, and colors, to make that structure complete.  Love yourself and know that you are normal, you are complete.  You are just another member of this tribe and you are good enough the way you are.  You are good enough and unique enough to be loved just the way you are, and you are good enough to return that love.  In the end we take all of these things with us.  We are shaped by our past and we cannot shake that.  We cannot go back and do it over and we are all just as insecure as you.  Even the ones who appear to have it all together…they too have their demons that they battle within.  Let the acceptance take hold and let your love flow freely.  Open the gates and begin the healing.

Confluence of Love and Pain

  The place where love meets disaster is a place all too familiar with anyone willing to venture forth, beyond their fears into something where we open ourselves up to another.  The continuity of love is eternal and yet at times feels dismal.  Love unreturned is not wasted love, but just another step in the process of life.  When you hold onto the love within, push through the grief, and nurture that love, it will be returned.  No matter the pain and humiliation, love will remain.  Working through the pain, alongside the love is the hardest part.  If forgiveness is in your nature then that walk becomes even more complex.  It is in my nature to forgive, but where these two things merge is a place of confusion.  Both emotions are powerful and fluid.  You can completely forgive but that doesn’t mean that you forget.  One day you feel as solid as a mountain, the next day you wake up LITERALLY searching for her.  Walking the house in the middle of the night to see if she just moved to the couch because you snored!  The rain patters on the roof, and the house is still.  You sit on that couch, in the dark, and you realize in that silence that she is truly gone. 

 

  The pain flows through your veins like the water flowing through the rooftop gutters, down to the street, and off to someplace else.  You have to wipe away the tears and move through the next day.  In this process that pain washes away so much.  If you only take the time to embrace the process, to realize you are normal and whole in this space, then you can start to nurture that love you still have inside.   If you can just hang on through the grief, just another day, then the love that emerges will be greater than any you have experienced.  As I sat in that lonely, cold, dark house, I realized she was gone, but I still felt her there.  A realization I keep having to remind myself of.  I also realized that she did not take my love away.  I hold that!  I own that!  It’s mine to give and while it may have been given mistakenly, it’s a replenishing gift that I will hold my heart open to and will not stuff it back down.  I have to recognize that as one emotion merges with the other, they may become one, but if you pour more love into the confluence, eventually the pain will give way to that love.  Though they come together, in an emotional eruption at times, you choose which will be the more prominent.

 

  You can stand between these two powerful forces/emotions and go back and forth in your mind and heart, or you can choose to let them flow and see them for what they are; just emotions!  They too shall pass and whichever you decide to give priority to will be the one to take you to your  future.  Should you dwell in the pain, it will beget pain.  See it, feel it, acknowledge it, and let it pass through you.  Don’t deny it.  It must come together with the love at some point.  Let the love emulate the pain and grow into so much more.  With an iron will you can turn your focus to the love which you lost, in a way that will honor it.  Whether it was returned or not, you have the choice to see your love as genuine and freely given.  Focus on the love you expended and see it not as wasted, but given from your heart and with pure and altruistic intent.  You cannot make someone love you, and sometimes you just have to give into the madness.  You cannot fix what is in others.  You cannot change their focus, but you can choose to see these powerful forces and watch them come together as one.  You can choose which takes precedence within your heart.  Fill that vessel with love.  Let it flow and let it grow.  Love like your life depends on it because in the end a life filled with love, is the only life worth living.

Build A Bridge

  Out there in the expanse we call life, there lies a river.  Full of emptiness.  Full of questions, doubts, hurt, and a myriad of other emotions, and life’s challenges.  We all stand and glare across this metaphorical river at times.  Full of logs, stones, obstacles, currents, coldness and fluidity.  The dynamics of a river are the perfect metaphor for life and the struggles we all face.   Standing on the banks of these struggles, I feel like any of us would feel a bit if anxiety and fear.  Jumping into a raging river can be a crazy experience.  When I did just that for my river guide certification, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of fear.  I was the first to raise my hand and the first to regret that decision.  At high water I stood there, knowing I needed to jump in, let go, and cross this beast.  I could barely hear my proctors and I could barely feel my body.  I jumped and I swam, and I flailed.  I will never forget that fear and the feeling of helplessness!  I learned quickly that I could sit there on the banks of that river and fail, or I could jump in and deal.  I also learned that being frozen in fear was about the last thing I wanted to do.  I had to fight, struggle, and push through the center to get to the other side.  It was all I had and I remember the proctors and fellow students screaming as I crawled up the bank on the other side.  It’s something I’ll never forget.  I have never felt so helpless, and yet the captain of my destiny all at once. 

  I reflect on that day with a smile on my face.  It reminds me of a place where my good friend Sara is standing on this very day.  Before her there are so many obstacles.  Many more nay sayers, critics and cynics.  We recently spent an evening together, sitting along the same river I swam, on a bench along the banks of this furious beast.  Personally I was at such peace with where I have come, and she was at a crossroads.  She could take the road less traveled, the hard way, or just walk away from a man standing on the opposite bank patiently waiting her decision.  She and Ben had separated and had both come to peace with life apart.  Sara recently had an epiphany of sorts, mentioned in a previous post, and our paths crossed during what seemed like a miraculous time for both of us.  She knew of my past, and wanted someone from the outside to just hear the thoughts swirling through her head.  She was incredibly honest and raw on that bench.  Her words flowed as smooth as the river.  The clarity within her flowed as peacefully from her lips, as the river flowed past us.  The way across, back to Ben, was anything but.  The complexity, social reactions, and challenges would be mercurial at best.  Yet, sitting beside me that day, as the sun faded, all I could hear was a woman so full of grace and compassion.  That compassion was not soaked with regret, guilt, or misguided beliefs.  It was solid!  Laden with the thoughts of a family.  Sara seemed to have stepped beyond the present, and was looking past this prime time, into tomorrow.  What was important to her yesterday suddenly seemed a smaller part of the puzzle.  I believe Sara realized the reality of the inevitable.  We are all on borrowed time.  Life is not infinite.  Time is contagious, and we are all getting old.  Her thoughts were broadening and her world was glowing.  I sat there in awe at the clarity she exhibited.  She knew it was time to slow down.  Time to try and see what was on the other side.  If for nothing else, peace of mind that the man standing on that opposite bank was someone she had loved with all of her heart and she needed to be sure of what she was doing. 

 

  We all change.  Seasons change, tides change, and rivers change.  The seeds of love that we have for someone stay forever, in my opinion.  She had silenced so much in her world and she suddenly realized that from those seeds there were small blossoms emerging.  The chaotic life around her slowed enough for her to look across and see him still standing there, still connected.  How could she navigate these currents of discontent?  How is it that she had the grace to see the discontentment in her life and to look across and see a ray of hope?  Who knows, but whether she walks from those banks into tomorrow, or carries onward towards Ben, and possibly into a sea of reconciliation…it all matters not on this day.  Stopping long enough to be quiet, look deeply, look across, and acknowledge that man is enough for me to stand up today and applaud each of them.  To applaud the heart within this woman, and the fortitude of love.  Could they make it?  If they want!  Could they find love within each other again?  ABSOLUTELY.  As the swirling mess between them rages, they can choose.  They may not be able to swim it as I did, and who’d want to?  But they can build a bridge!  They can do the work to meet in the middle.  Building that bridge a day at a time, one step at a time.  When they get there, to the middle, they can stand and talk, get to know one another again, and stare down at the mess of the past..as it flows harmlessly below them.  They can choose to go back the way each of them came, but at least they will have met in the middle and looked down into that abyss.  They can take a moment there to find clarity and peace.  If they are lucky, maybe what they feel is not resentment, regret, anger..but a hand reaching for their own.  To me, that very act, of meeting there has such power and grace!  We could all learn from people like this.  We can all see the distance between one another..build a bridge..and get over it!