Into the Slipstream

  As I ascend I feel my worries, life's challenges, and the stress fall away into the slipstream of my movement. In that space I am free. Within the fear and sensory overload I find a calmness and clarity I find nowhere else.  When dancing with gravity, flowing over stone or ice, I am boundless and free beyond words.  All of the logical senses slowly fall away into that slipstream of my ascent.  All sensible logic would tell me to move down, to descend, and yet something deeper calls me to ascend.  I’m in a land of paradoxical sensations and conflicting logic.  I’m never as free as I am when climbing, never so grounded, and yet never so uplifted and elated.  To express the euphoria in that space seems so futile, and yet I feel the need to at least try, if not for my own sake than for my children’s sake so that someday they may look upon my life, my drive, my adventures, and hopefully find a little needed fuel to stoke their fire(s) whatever they may become.

 

  It is not only this solo space, these remarkable sensations, or this selfish drive that pulls me higher into this realm.  It’s the people I meet, the friends I make, the unbreakable bonds, and the unspoken truth that we find in this life as climbers.  Preconceived notions, assumptions, judgment, and unwarranted criticism all matter so little (if at all) when we practice our art.  From the lifelong friends and bonds I’ve made, to the completely ironic encounters this climbing life brings me, I know am right where I am supposed to be.  I have found the source of my drive and the inspiration to chase my dreams.  I’ve met so many on this journey over the last 18 years; fellow gravity slayers chasing these sensations across the globe, living in, and for the moment.  Meeting and becoming close to the soul of another who is truly immersed into the life of being a climber is second to none other.  There’s an inherent ability within these kindred souls to just get through it, to push beyond what they think possible, to just ascend through the muck and murky waters of life onto another place where that freedom rings so loudly.  I’ve made so many friends in this vertical life, and said my final goodbye to many of them as they’ve lost their battles in life, and always I find myself turning to climbing when my life runs amuck and my senses become disheveled.  It’s a space and a lifestyle where only you can define your success and only you are the master of your destiny.

 

 

  The only other lifestyle I’ve experienced that comes even close is the life of a surfer.  I find more diversity and camaraderie within these two lifestyles and yet the climbing life seems to have found its way to the forefront of my heart once again.  It seems when life throws me a curveball, or when my life seems to fall to pieces, I turn to the vertical in order to process and get through.  It has become so much more than just pushing oneself and overcoming these sense floating in contradiction, it’s a place where I find the type of people who will not let me hold on too long to those that hold me down. Who will hold me fast (on belay) and spot me as I make whatever climb I face in life. Such is the metaphor of climbing and life.  Only within this world can I randomly find the much needed solitude to just be within my own thoughts and feelings, but I can feel the companionship at the other end of a nylon rope in this same span.  Within a community of climbers there’s diversity so full of vibrant smiles and a fellowship so full of caring and giving that I often wonder how it is that climbing can be seen as such a “selfish” and “solo” activity.  While I am alone on some distant face, I am truly alone and in a beautiful solitude and yet within the community of climbers I am surrounded by like minded, driven, and adventurous spirits.  There’s no other place I’d rather be in times of crisis, times of happiness, or any other of the multitude of places our lives take us.

 

  Climbing seems to be the one place I go to in order to seek and find all that I am, all that life has to offer.  No other passion has driven me to find so much within myself.  No other source has given me so much and made me the man, father, and friend I am today.  Climbing has continually saved my life and defined my life.  I’ve found some remarkable relationships within the scope of this life I live.  From within the confines of gravity and altitude I’ve been fortunate enough to forge unbreakable bonds with so many.  I’m so grateful for this life, for this world, and for this lifestyle I have chosen and once again find myself FULLY immersed within.  Where else can you make these bonds so full of adrenaline, risk, reward, and grace?  I was recently reminded of the power of ascension and the healing that we find in this place.  Randomly I met a wonderful person standing along a road at the local ice climbing festival.  Adorned with a cane/crutch and a fox tail dangling from her rear…how could I NOT stop and say hello.  Little did I know the bond we’d instantly share had begun to take shape years ago as we both battled our way back from very similar climbing injuries.  I’d stand with her on that day and talk endlessly, seamlessly, and effortlessly.  It’s rare to find someone who just gets it, the pain of a life changing injury caused by a passion you love so deeply, and even more so one who sees the path back from the darkness only within the exact path you took descending into that darkness.  When climbing nearly costs you everything, it’s often the only thing that can give it all back.   I stood there last night belaying her as she tied in and boldly, valiantly, and courageously took the “sharp end” and led a route for the first time since her injury.  As we tie into our climbing partner it is so much more than merely keeping them safe, belaying them as they ascend, the bond is much deeper, inexplicable, and beyond all else it is a timeless expression telling that other person “I’ve got your back..I understand the challenge you are about to face…I’m with you.”  This is the reasoning in the risk, the reward. The smile on her face and the slight welling in her eyes as she touched down after that successful ascent told me all I needed to know….THIS IS WHY WE CLIMB.   To watched her fears fall into the slipstream of her ascent was nothing short of an honor..nothing short of the “why” in climbing.  The paradox lies only within trying to explain all of this to others.

Best Day Ever - Fosho

A fun little clip I put together of a group of us out snowshoeing in the high country (San Juan Mountains) yesterday.  Best people ever!

Learning to Suffer

  It’s not in moments of comfort and relative safety that we grow and our self perceived limits are expanded upon, it’s only when we are at those perceived limits that we realize we can push a little bit further, dig a little deeper, and push through pain, discomfort, or fear onto a higher plain.  Our internal horizons expand when we push ourselves beyond what we thought possible.  For me that space has been redefined for the last 18 years in a vertical world.  It is a world where I find comfort, peace, solace, and clarity, and yet one where I’m constantly redefining who, what, and where I am.  Only through this process of pushing myself, ascending higher, and digging deeper do I find the strength within that until that moment remained untapped and unnoticed. 

 

  I’ve never quite been able to explain the “why” in what I do in these high environs, but I know that other climbers know the motivation and drive we all find in chasing these vertical dreams.  It’s quite difficult to express the fire one finds in suffering; the absolute elation we bring down from a higher place, back into our everyday lives.  Unless you’ve stepped into that realm and danced with suffering, battled gravity, and endured the affliction found in that place, you truly cannot explain it within the scope of what most would see as logical.  The pain, the suffering, the enduring, all act as the emissary for how we conduct ourselves back in our normal everyday lives.  I am quite certain that I become a better man, a better human being, a better father, when I return from these journeys and they are the memories that fill my dreams, fuel the next adventure, and keep me chasing the dreams that evolve within my soul.

 

  No matter the outcome, any climb (rock, alpine, or ice) fuels so much within me.  I close my eyes and often drift back to the climbs of my life.  I can hear the crunching of the snow under my boots, the feeling of warm rock below my finger tips.  I can hear the bodacious thud of a well placed swing of my ice axe.  I can feel the ice crystals bursting from the frozen beast as my axe impacts..they splash the smile on my face and I’m free.  I’m cold, I’m hungry, and I’m so tired..and yet you could not lure that smile from my face with the enticement of any other experience.  When I’m climbing at altitude it becomes a war of attrition.  One in which I’m not just fighting the elements, I’m fighting common sense, my body, and the chemistry within to just keep going.  To keep putting one foot in front of the other, and yet all the while maintain some semblance of safety and reason.  I’ve been paralyzed with fear high on a frozen face in the Waddington Range in Canada and literally stood frozen a thousand feet above my camp knowing that one error could be fatal not only for me but for the other three tied to me by an 8mm piece of nylon.  Pushing through that very moment to the summit another thousand feet above will always remain a memory I cherish and draw upon in difficult times.  I suffered, and yet we endured, and to those on my team I am quite certain they share in the eternal memory of that blue sky summit. 

 

  I’ve been so cold in the Indian Himalaya that to this day I swear I could feel my blood thickening and freezing.  I lay in a tent that night with my team and wondered why it was I kept putting myself in these situations.  It wasn’t until returning home months later, reflecting on that unsuccessful summit bid, and really looking through the photos that I realized it is within that suffering where my character is exposed and the best in me is brought to the surface.  I cannot ask others to understand, but somehow peering over that proverbial edge I see so clearly and I am filled so completely.  Whether it’s run out on a high rock face, ascending, dancing and delighted in a frozen waterfall, or high on some alpine climb….this is the place where my dreams come true.  These are the environs where there are no litigious notions within.  There’s no bargaining.  I know I am where I need to be.  Each step, each swing of the axe, each meter climbed is calculated and defined.  Each move I hold in my hands my fate, my destiny, and the dreams I find only in this space.  Only through suffering in this world am I able to look my children in the eye and smile knowing that they are seeing what it is to FULLY chase your dreams.  To explore the depths of what they think is possible, and to truly live the life they deserve and can dream.  When we learn to suffer in peace, our boundaries, or borders, are completely wiped away and we are left to define what is possible in our own worlds.  So push, suffer, climb, dream, and keep moving for only in movement do we find grace.

Tools of our trade...an ice climbers arsenal.