This time it came on slowly at first. I could feel the sensations as this freight
train approached in the night. I could
feel the rattle in my bones and the aching in my brain. I could feel my senses dulled and my
perception slowed. I tried carrying on
like all was well and yet all the while I knew this train was coming full bore
in the darkness bringing with it the agony I feared most. The darkness was slow at first but as time
passed and the train kept coming full steam ahead…..I felt my senses succumb
and my reality became simply holding on.
Feeling groundless, weightless, dizzy, disoriented and ultimately lost
in that space…it’s the most profound and terrifying thing I’ve ever felt. That feeling that “it” is coming and there’s
very little you can do but stand firm, stand strong, and hold on because this
trains’ a comin’ and you can’t outrun it.
As that dark horse approaches the disoriented feeling deepens and yet
deeper within you find you can maintain composure. Your cognitive abilities begin to crumple;
your speech begins to fade into an indiscernible babble. I could feel my right hand begin to lose
dexterity and suddenly it felt as though it was difficult to swallow. This train was coming full on..throttle to
the floor. I was ready this time, I knew
the destination..and I had its number. I’d
stand my ground and hold on, not cowering in ignorance or the unknown.
The months prior I’d
seen the after affects of my first stroke come and go many times and yet mostly
fade in their significance and severity.
I kept much of the lingering affects to myself as to not alarm every
single person around me. I’d learned to
let go in the almost year since my first episode. Let go of the thought that I could control
this and quite possibly accepting the fact that I may never understand it. It is/was just a part of my journey. I stopped fearing the memory issues, stopped
being saddened by the speech issues and actually learned to laugh at
myself. As the darkness of the first
stroke lifted I was given a beautiful gift.
REFLECTION! I found myself
looking back only in a sense of appreciation and wonderment. I took stock of the life I have lived thus
far and each day I wholeheartedly embraced what my life was and appreciated the
lessons, people, and moments that have gotten me this far. For the first time in my life I can honestly
say I’m “alive” and so happy to just breathe.
The monetary BS and struggles, relationships lost, pain handed
spitefully, the anger I felt at the difficulties I’d faced…all gone! The simple ability to breathe and not have
that cold dark shadow engulfing my brain…these moments have become the tonic of
my life! A sweet and intoxicating elixer. Although I’d suffer the after affects all the
way to this present day, I’d not sit and wallow in the absolutely paralyzing fear
that seemed to consume those closest to me who knew the severity of what I had
faced. Instead I’d try and repel that
darkness with a little light. Low and
behold..my outlook would change. The
fear is still there and yet it is NOT absolute and all encompassing. I’m grateful for each day..each friend..each
moment..each laugh..every tear..and every breath. Without the pain and sorrow I’d not know the
sweetness of life itself.
I’ve dwelled in this
space the last year and it is in this space that I found myself only a few
nights ago when the train came bearing down once again. I knew the moment I felt disoriented and
forgot once again where it was I was driving to (home after work) and had to
pull over (Monday). I’ve answered
countless emails, phone calls, text and questions since then. So many urging me to “just get back to the
hospital” and the concern, love, and feeling of being wrapped in so much love
is so appreciated, and yet I cannot explain to many my choices to continue
living life at full throttle. Knowing
there’s a dark train bearing down the tracks coming (possibly) for you any day….to
roll the windows down, feel the wind and step on life’s throttle and chase my
dreams with an even greater urgency and desire..well it’s just lost on so
many. How can I be irresponsible and
still climb? “How can I even think about
skydiving, wingsuit flying, surfing, running until I feel I’m going to puke…how?” Quite simply – HOW CAN I NOT? To embrace this demon and to run with it, one
step ahead, maybe side by side, maybe even as I’m enveloped in the darkness, is
nothing short of pure adrenaline and a feeling of living like I can’t
explain. I’m taking the steps to understand
this, hopefully even fix it, by making appointments with the right surgeons,
neurologists, and specialists, but I’ll be damned if I sit in the back seat of
my own life and watch as my days slowly fade.
I’ve got the pedal to the floor and I won’t let up anytime soon. I’m not racing the inevitable, I’m not
running from the truth, I’m living my life on full throttle and I won’t stop
and lay across the tracks and give in.
This last go around I made sure there were trusted souls nearby, on
call, and yes I was scared. I had a
great soul sitting next to me making sure I was breathing. I fulfilled a promise I made last time, I
called and text my kids to tell them I loved them and I reached out through
that darkness to an unlikely hand reaching back through the fog..my ex-wife who’s
once again become my friend. I let the
tears flow as I told her I was scared. I
squeezed the hand holding mine, gently rubbing my head. I wasn’t alone in that moment! For that I am once again grateful. To understand what it is to have a stroke
(TIA) and to KNOW in your heart of hearts that you could cross to the other
side at any moment, these are terrifying realizations that I wish upon no one,
and yet I embrace this life, the cards I’ve been dealt and I will keep my foot
down, the pedal to the floor, and I will appreciate each day all the more! I’ll feel my way through this darkness and I’ll
find the light wherever it may be! I’ll
wake from this dream each chance I get, charged ever more for all I can glean
from this wonderful life. I’ll follow
my heart and retreat there as the dark train comes. I find strength in those around me and I’m
grateful for every second of every day.
Some people go their entire lives (some very long ones) and they never
have that chance. So bring on the
challenges! I DO understand what I face,
the medical condition I have, and my eyes are wide open, face to the wind,
soaking it all in. For the first time in
my life I dance like I don’t give two sh*&s who’s watching because I don’t. It’s my life, every bit of it, and I’ll live
it my way!
