I’ve had two
conversations this very day that have really rattled my cage. Nothing in particular that anyone has said,
in fact these are two people in my life whom I value tremendously, just reoccurring
themes presented. The last few years
have been just about the hardest I could have ever imagined. We all go through hell but quite frankly I
have no qualms about saying the time period in question for me is quite exceptional. I don’t
for one minute believe there aren’t many out there who’ve had it far worse…and
maybe even didn’t make it through to the other side, but for me I was given a wakeup
call (via an aneurysm and strokes) right in the middle of my migration from the
absolute hell I endured at the hands of another (2 actually). I also don’t intend to deflect blame from my
own wrong doings, missteps, or mistakes.
I know all too well my faults.
Through the sh$$ storms I speak of I was inept at the ability to simply
draw a line in the sand and keep myself, my heart, my soul and most of all my
kids safe. I allowed two people to step
into my life and absolutely, relentlessly, maliciously, and willingly turn all
I knew upside down. I own that and I own
that there were/are lessons to learn from it.
I’ve spent countless hours doing something over these years that I’ve
been petrified of…going to see a counselor.
He’s also my friend so it made it way easier. In that time I’ve learned more than I could
ever articulate sufficiently. He’s an
amazing friend, counselor, supporter, and human being. I’ve also dug deeper within myself than I
ever thought possible. I’ve not only
stood back up but I’ve learned that standing back up is mandatory but learning
form the knock down is optional. I don’t
know any other way but to get back up and keep going. What’s new is looking at where I’m going and
choosing a path less prone to the knock down.
I’ve learned to establish boundaries.
With my kids, friends and yes finally in relationships. I’ve always been a fighter. Straight up brawler and more than anything my
ability to take an ass kicking is evident in the scars I wear. But that kind of fighting never really
transfers to relationships. When it
comes to that point (physical fighting) there are no boundaries, it’s survive,
beat or be beaten. I’ve lived so deeply
in that place for most of my life that there was just one giant gray area. I didn’t know when or where to take the
gloves off and yet in my relationships I’d go into passive mode..defensive. Mainly because I was raised to not be aggressive
towards a woman, NEVER EVER raise a hand, much less my voice at a woman and so
when I inevitably found myself in a couple of relationships where I was passive
to a fault I let things happen that weren’t okay.
So I’ve learned to
use my voice. To speak up without the
need to yell. To say “this is where I am,
who I am, and what I can and cannot live with”.
Without angst, hate, or ill will.
I am simply me and you are you. Let’s
go a few rounds (pun intended) and see how this works. With the help of Craig I’ve learned to look
at “me”. To be okay with tough feelings
and to know that when the sh$$ storm hits (because they always will in one way
or another) you can sit quietly, acknowledge the pain and simply hold onto the
love for yourself and suddenly the storm will pass and you’ll be okay. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll be even better
than before. I’m proud of this
accomplishment and it’s serving me well in every facet and relationship of
life. I am me and I am okay not only
with who I am but of where I’ve been. I’m
okay that I’ve F’d up and I’m okay that I’m not perfect. The past has brought me here and I wouldn’t
be here without it. My stroke(s) and
living with a massive aneurysm have given me the gift of “don’t give two sh$$s”. What used to matter and hurt seems so insignificant
in the grand scheme of things. What I
thought so important doesn’t hold the same weight anymore. Simply learning to live a life worth
remembering is what matters now. I still
don’t trust the way I used to and that’s okay.
It’s a byproduct of getting beaten down.
A great lesson to learn. Trust is
sacred and for me it’s tough to earn mine.
When you’ve got it..you’ve got a friend in me for life. I won’t only give you the shirt off my back,
you’ll have shelter, food and a staunch defender! Violate that trust, or worse, willingly and
with wonton abandon hurt me (or worse..my kids) and I promise you one thing,
you will not earn that trust ever again.
I’ve been accused again
and again of being to forgiving. Of
allowing myself to be a doormat. Of not
knowing when to draw the line in the sand.
I own that. It’s true through and
through. I’ve put too much value on “relationships”
even when they clearly are detrimental to my wellbeing. On forgiving???? I’m calling BS on the multitude of quotes,
sayings, beliefs, etc on “forgiving” and how it’s so necessary. Forgiving my children and myself will always
be a fact of survival and healthy living.
Forgiving someone who hurts you..humiliates you and willingly destroys
your integrity, reputation, and maybe even wounds you to your soul???? Calling BULLSHIT on that one. I don’t need to forgive someone who hurts my
children or who willingly cheats, lies, and then tries to blame and cover their
nastiness. Nope…I don’t need to forgive
you to be free. That’s between you and
your God. I don’t need to forgive you to
set myself free. My freedom lies in the
fact that I know I’m not perfect and yet I treated you with dignity and
respect. Time and again I walked the
line. I admitted my faults and tried
daily to be a better man. When you cross
another to the extent I’ve mentioned, you need to learn that not all
forgiveness is attainable. You repeat
these “mistakes” and the cycle continues because you believe in forgiveness and
that eventually the ones you hurt will “have” to forgive you. Better to seek forgiveness than
permission??!! Not so. The ignorant behavior deserves the outright
indignation you receive. Furthermore
when your history shows a pattern of just such behavior, you should not be
surprised when you finally come to a place where someone can stand tall and NOT
forgive you. I don’t have to wish you
ill will or have complete disdain for you.
I don’t need to pity you. I don’t
need to feel anything for you. Your
choices have been yours. Own it..you
carry that load, not me. My freedom lies
in learning to see the type of person you are and for not allowing myself to
ignore the warning signs again. Sometimes
“I’m sorry” is just a baseless robotic plea for forgiveness you do not
deserve. I don’t need to forgive one who
willingly does these things again and again.
You can pack your pity bag and move yourself far away from me, my
family, and those I love. Do not
foolishly believe that I will forget.
There are things that time will not erase. My freedom lies in knowing that I cannot be
like you and I have learned through help, time, self-reflection, and a group of
people standing by my side that I am in fact ok. I DO NOT need your approval or quite frankly
anyone’s. I am me..and I’m okay with
that. So pack that bag, throw it over
your shoulder, turn around and walk right the F back where you came from and
don’t for one minute think I have the capacity to forgive everyone. Forgiveness like trust is earned…and I
reserve the right to refuse that gift to anyone I so choose.
I’m grateful for all
those who’ve helped me get here and who remind me daily that I’m worth more
than “that”. Each day is a gift and
within that day we are given so many more gifts than we realize. Yet we are also given lessons to shape us and
sometimes it’s painful and we feel we are being chiseled into something we don’t
understand. In the end it matters only
what love you put out there in the world.
That love isn’t always for everyone.
It’s okay to not forgive. Holding
onto anger doesn’t burn the one holding it…sometimes it keeps a fire lit within
to keep the same types from getting too close.
Anger is okay in appropriate doses, at appropriate times, and directed
in the appropriate direction(s).
Contrary to popular belief…not all around you deserve rainbows and
unicorns. Love all you can, forgive
where you can, and know its okay to NOT do so!
Leave that to the offender and their God. Sometimes forgiveness affirms acceptability
in the ways people hurt others. Be fearless in chasing your dreams and more so
in defending yourself from those who spill their misery at your feet. Be strong in who you are and above all else
be okay with the feelings inside and “who” you are. Stand fast in your beliefs and know that the sun
will rise and time waits for no one.
Live your life on your terms.
