All too often life
can bring us both figuratively and literally to our knees. Be it a devastating financial blow, death of
a loved one, loss of a relationship, or an unexpected (and critical) health
issue. These events all too often have
devastating consequences and somehow seem to change, even if slightly, our
internal wiring and the way we proceed in life and process whatever challenges
lie ahead. It goes without saying that
regardless of your social status, your income level, or your color or creed, we
all are faced with these game changers in the time we have here. As the often used cliché’ goes “it matters
little how many times you get knocked down, only that you get back up”. It’s always been a favorite mantra of mine
and one for which I sadly find myself repeating over and over for motivation to
keep on keepin’ on. Nothing in my life
seems to have come easy. From the most
mundane of achievements and tasks to the truly monumental accomplishments in my
life, I tend to go against the grain, swim upriver, and generally just find the
way that feels best to me as opposed to taking the path of least
resistance. Rarely does my path find me
effortlessly gliding through the slipstream of life..hands behind my head,
staring at the sun, and just relaxing into the next chapter. I love a good challenge and taking the road
less traveled has truly allowed me to build an empire of love, memories,
experiences, and values within the span of my life. Even in matters of health, my body, injuries,
etc, I seem to have the propensity to go big. From broken bones, near misses, epic failures
involving severe bodily injury, and even to the issues beyond my control, I
seem to just end up finding myself facing, and subsequently overcoming,
monumental odds.
I’ve survived two
horrid break ups which entailed absolute destruction of all I had believed,
built, or earned in my life. Both
internally, externally, monetarily, and spiritually, these two events
completely destroyed me, however I’ve been able to pick up the pieces each time
and build a more solid, resilient, and beautiful empire within my heart. I’ve even been able to forgive beyond what I
thought possible and in the case of my marriage, I’ve found a way to look back
and see BOTH of our mistakes and to look beyond that, past that, and into the
GOOD we shared and smile upon those memories, wrap my heart in the forgiveness,
and finally call her a friend. As I’ve
taken the lessons from past relationships I find myself more careful (almost to
a fault) and less afraid to acknowledge the “true” feelings as they
surface. I’ve also found that I’m more
aware of what is NOT right and the things I cannot change, and hopefully
gracefully letting those go. More than
anything I’ve realized there’s compromise in a relationship and that’s never
ending, and yet there is a time when you have to be strong enough to know “it”
is not in your best interest and you have to know with all your heart when you’ve
sacrificed too much of yourself and graciously, kindly, and gently bow and say
a peaceful farewell. Had I never endured
the agony of the past, I’d have never had the strength, self respect, or
dignity to identify these things. Only
when that empire (relationships) came crashing down was I able to sift through
the rubble, stand my ground, pick myself up, dry my tears and slowly pick up
what pieces I could and build a more solid empire. I picture that often in my mind. Standing upon some great wall (not a misnomer
in anyway) overlooking the sea of life still out there, basking in a brilliant
sunset and knowing I had the tenacity to stand my ground even as the walls came
crashing down….and the stubbornness to not give up. I allow these images to remain with humble
gratitude for the experiences that have allowed me to build a stronger “me”. I’ve reached the point in my life where I see
my own reflection, my life’s journey, and I smile so vibrantly in spite of all
the heartache, for I know something resounding and great is right around the
next bend. In the last year I’ve come to
a place where I truly believed nothing more could ever bring me down or rattle
the walls within. I’d built these walls
(as we all logically do) perfectly and to the precise height so as to allow
only those things, beings, and experiences I chose to invest in, over and into
my world. I had stood like a stonemason
with pride in my heart and dirt on my hands, proud of the work I had done.
And then on a brilliant
March night (27th) my entire world would come unglued once again,
and on a scale I never imagined. As the
prior months passed and my training for this year’s India/Himalaya trip
progressed I was feeling healthy, joyful, and full of hope and life. I had become fitter than I should be (on all
accounts) and happier than I had been in quite some time. I had met a wonderful woman, friend, and lady
who would become not only my partner, but she’d literally be a guardian angel
on that fateful night. I had just
returned home from a run and Amber and I were in the kitchen preparing to cook
dinner. She had come into my life like a
ghost in the night. Unforseen and
unexpected would both be gross understatements.
I was “solid” and happy in my little empire. Never too stand offish and always open to an
unexpected possibility, and yet reality proved again and again that what I had
decided to wait for, what I wanted, what I felt I deserved, just didn’t
exist. And like a ghost in the night she
came from nowhere, seemingly appearing from the mist, and gracefully, gently,
and beautifully our paths crossed. I was
so happy and content in the space I had found and created…then along came a
girl and she effortlessly walked right through my walls. We were wrapped up in another evening of
talking, smiling, listening to music, and preparing to do one of our favorite
things together..cook…when suddenly I couldn’t speak. I was unable to get the words out that I felt
were so effortlessly flowing from my mind.
Second by second it got worse until I couldn’t even understand simple
words that Amber was saying. Another
second or two passed and I could feel my heart beating with a tachycardia rhythm
and my limbs were going numb. The
beautiful woman before me, who I’d just begun to know, suddenly began to be an
unrecognizable blur. The angel became blurry
as my eyes began to fail. She appeared
as a ghost, yet in a way unfathomable and horrifyingly real. I could no longer stand, breathe, see, talk,
or even understand. I was having a
stroke and deep down the years of being an EMT gave me the wherewithal to know
immediately what was happening.
I had felt fine on
my run, if not a bit better than normal.
Nothing extraordinary until the walk home where I momentarily lost my
vision and felt as though I was a staggering drunk as I walked home. At the point where I lost vision, I simply
sat down, too stubborn to wave for help, and waited for it to pass, assuming I
had merely gone hypoglycemic. Almost three
weeks later we now know that I did indeed have a “mini stroke” or what’s medically known
as a TIA (Transient Ischemic
Attack). I’ve been poked, prodded, had
more images of my brain, heart, and vasculature taken than I’d care to
admit. For the sake of not taking too
many pages to explain it, the outcome is better than worst case scenario, and
yet far from “good” as many so gracelessly have come up and bestowed their
elations upon me because I don’t have to have immediate brain surgery. The fact remains; I have an aneurysm on the
left side in my carotid artery. It is
JUST below the brain. A large portion of
the carotid seems to be damaged as do some arteries in the back of the
head. Consensus is that the years of
fighting (MMA, Muay Thai, Judo, and Jiu Jitsu) left me with a permanent reminder
of the fragility of life. The last few
weeks have completely knocked my empire down once again and truly left me with
a whole new view, perspective, and attitude about life and those around
me. I watched in my semi comatose state
as my girlfriend stood by my side, picked me up (literally) and never let me
feel sorry for myself for too long. I
watched some distant friends rally and help me in ways I never imagined. I saw a friend from my childhood (Mick) stand
before me and listen as my voice failed and the tears fell in the days that
followed as I prepared for a journey to Denver for better medical care. He listened as my voice broke as I faced the
fear, made sure my life insurance was in order, and even as I had to assure
that I had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in place. We all believe we are “ready” (at least I
think we all think we are) and for the first time, in spite of all the close
calls, I was truly faced with the fact that at any moment my aneurysm could
rupture and I could leave this place with not so much as a goodbye or even a final
thought. It’s the single most humbling
experience I’ve ever endured. Not just
for the scary and immediate reality, but because I’ve seen so many kind people
simply show love and support. I’ve also
seen the wicked side of a person and pure hate in the midst of it all…I’ve seen
the pain in another so deep that they could not let their pride go even when
faced with the end…my end.
In what seems like
the blink of an eye it all changed. In
what is truly a brief moment in the grand scheme of things I’ve been reminded
that pure and simple love exists all around us and living amongst it all can be
pure hate and anger. I’ve seen a single
spark of admiration ignite into a raging inferno of appreciation and love. I watched so completely helplessly as those
close to me suffered just as much (if not more) as we waited for answers. I’ve seen the empire not just come crumbling
down again, but completely disappear and suddenly I find myself standing before
life, reality, my maker, and humanity…wondering…hoping…and praying that the
life I have lived has been of purpose.
That should the time bomb in my head go off, I can rest knowing that I
made a difference. That I’ve loved
selflessly and that I’ve forgiven completely.
That the footprints I leave in the lives of those close to me will not
simply wash away. I shall never forget
the pain on the faces of my two amazing kids as they sat on the couch after I
got out of the hospital and had to explain to them what this meant. The absolute pure pain and shock finding its
way from within them, through their eyes, and pouring onto the couch. The question I could not answer “daddy are
you going to die”? And yet I truly
thought I had rebuilt my empire and could poignantly and gracefully look them
in the eye and say something brilliant like “we are all going to die”…and yet
all I could think at that moment was “damnit I’m not done yet”. All I wanted to say to them in that moment
was “daddy’s going to be fine and beat this” and deep down I could not fill
them with false hope or make an empty promise that could haunt them for the
rest of their days. The only fitting
answer I could give them was “all daddy knows how to do is fight”. And fight I have, and fight I shall…but the
inevitable truth is I just don’t know what this will mean tomorrow, next week,
or next year, or whether I will get any of those.
As strong as I
remain I’m rattled to the core. Staring at
the sea of life, standing here trying to rebuild this time around…it all looks
so different now. The things I “want”
from relationships, the time I waste in distress or anger…it all fades and
blurs as my vision did on that fateful night.
I’ve come, in a very short time, to realize that my empire doesn’t need
walls at all. My empire is brilliant and
resoundingly strong. I find myself redefining
my life, ambitions, dreams, and goals almost on a daily basis lately. I am rattled far less easily, I accept far
fewer excuses from others or myself, and more than anything I’m far firmer in
my resolve when it comes to what I want with what’s left of my days and who I
choose to share that time with. Slowly I’m
rebuilding my little empire in my soul, but this time the building blocks are
not made of stone, they are made with the souls that surround me and the love I
get in return for all the love I pour out.
My walls are the friends and family around me and these walls do not
fall down. I will rise again, even if
for one more day, but I shall no longer hang onto the things, people, ideas, or
events that try so desperately to rob me of my resolve. What is important to me today is astoundingly different than even a month ago. My path is certain, I see clearly if only for
a moment, and my journey and time is mercurial at best, I am standing again and
facing the light. Rebuilding my empire
one vibrant light filled moment at a time.
Should the bomb go off, should I not get one last goodbye, I truly hope
that my last breath shall be with a sense of peace and love within. My final hope would be to leave this world a
bit better than it was before.
