I worry
sometimes. It’s not uncommon for a
single father whogave it all for that very right (“father”) to worry that
someone, something, some event will come and take away what he sacrificed his
life’s work, savings and future to achieve.
I believe it’s as natural a feeling as any out there. I am far from perfect; in fact being perfect
is just about the most unappealing thing to me.
I value diversity and I embrace most challenges that come my way. My writing style was recently compared to the
great literary giant (in my mind) Edward Abbey.
It can go all over the place, touch high emotions and low, direct in an
indirect way, and always driven to the point by passion. That’s Edward Abbey and to be compared to
such an inspirational human being is nothing short of a great compliment. I’ve not been able to put my finger on the
“why” of my desire to write. Often times
it seems as though this keyboard is the tap into my heart and mind. It’s a place to release those thoughts
swirling in my head. Someone once told
me that I had a “butterfly mind” and for a long time I viewed that as anything
but a compliment. That someone never
really embraced that observation and I came to feel that it was not only an
insult, but a problem. Only after
hearing the compliment about my writing style did I take the time to sit and
not only think about the way the butterflies twitter through my mind, but only
then did I sit down and talk to someone about it. I had come to a point with that individual
where my faults were continually pointed out; I could never be good enough. The coy comments would sometimes bounce right
off, but the persistence was unavoidable.
As I slowly retreated into myself, I realized that I was changing. I was shifting from within and trying to
adapt to the energy from another. It
wasn’t until I was free from those chains that I realized I had fallen for that
inevitable trap of letting someone whose own insecurities drove the constant criticism,
put downs, and nagging persistence that would lead me into the hole I had
withdrawn to. Only through the process
of climbing out of the fog have I been able to reflect and not only forgive
myself, but accept that I am what I am,
and I’m happy with who I am.
I acknowledge the
fact that I am an imperfect human being in an even more imperfect world. We all bring strengths and weaknesses to the
table of our shared lives. When we make
the choice to share this life with someone it’s a virtual cornucopia of interests,
passions, feelings, and love. When we
enter into a relationship, I believe (and always have) that it should be a
beautiful adventure lacking any preconceived notions, ultimatums, or ideology. I think if each of us can accept the man,
woman, and children that surround us, we can do nothing but encourage, nourish,
and take part in the blossoming of something wonderful. We are, after all, a species developed in our
relationships. A society bound together
by love. I believe we are put on this
earth to love. Love our friends; love
our partners, our kids, and the world around us. Should we learn to accept all faults within
another, it is then that we free ourselves as well as forgive ourselves for our
short comings. When we continually
judge, beat down, and criticize with dogged persistence, we only close the door
to our own hearts. It’s a continuous
growing process to step out of our comfort zone and look deeply into our varied
relationships within this lifetime and pull the good from each one. To nourish that, while accepting shortcomings
and faults, is truly nothing short of amazing.
To find the peace within oneself is to find the peace within another. Anger begets anger, hate begets hate, and
preconceived notions only lead you down a road of disappointment.
Through this
experience I’ve learned to accept that having the “butterfly mind” is far from
a curse. Being spontaneous, open to
change, and wild at heart is far from a curse.
My faults are mine and I am as human as anyone. I fall down sometimes, but I’ve always gotten
back up. I can be knocked down by the
mean spirited will of others, and I can make the choice to get back up and keep
on going. I have no choice but
that. Humiliation is an invasive toxin. Dishonor is a volatile aggressor, but pain
and anger if used respectfully and carefully is an amazing opiate to push you
past the situation. I pray that I never
use humiliation as a tool. I am out of
regret and the sorrow will fade. My
worries and struggles are genuine and mine.
The perception of those worries being a “dark cloud” is something I will
struggle with for some time. I’ve done
my best to endure, and I’d give it all again to have my children, but I’d not
likely let myself go to the same extent.
Pushed into a hole and beat to a bloody pulp. I am what I am and I make no apologies. Live your life so that when you leave there
are footprints on the hearts of those close to you. Accept others unconditionally and love
uncompromisingly. When the butterflies
in your heart and mind are brought into question…close your eyes and relish in
the dance of those butterflies flying in formation. Maybe you are the only one to see that
formation, but it’s yours nonetheless.
Make no apologies and grovel to none.
Love your life! At the end of the
day be accountable for your judgments and actions. When
you focus on what is bad, you create a pattern within yourself that not only
notices the bad much more quickly, but you dwell in that space and rewire your
brain to seek out those traits, it is inevitable that you will only swim within
that space and creates a self fulfilling prophecy. Love and honor those you are fortunate to
cross paths with and sit quietly before you react. Compromise not what you know to be true, but
be flexible enough to embrace diversity.
Finally when the onslaught
becomes too great to bear, spread your wings and flutter away with grace and
kindness. Align the butterflies and
charge off into the sun.
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May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous,
leading to the most amazing view. May
your mountains rise into and above the clouds.
~ Edward Abbey
