Inspired by true events..and a true friend:
We sometimes make
decisions that feel right at the time.
Caught up in our own emotions, swirling in a sea of discontent and
confusion, we can make decisions that we sometimes regret. Depending on which school of thought you
subscribe to, you may either feel that we don’t choose who we love, or you may
see that love is a choice. Either way,
love can be fleeting at times, vibrant at others, feel gone for awhile, or at
times seem gone all together. I’m
personally of the belief that not all love endures, but true love endures
all. It’s becoming less and less common
in this society to have the fortitude and the stick-to-itiveness to see past
the momentary lapses of the burning love we all so desire. It’s far easier to walk away, blaze a new
trail, and find that passion in a new thing.
Having the dogged perseverance to be the giver when your partner is down
on one knee is not only an art, but a fight worth making, for you too will find
yourself down on one knee at some point.
It is this sense of having a partner that drives many of us. I see it so often; the inexplicable
contentment suddenly comes crashing down.
Is it a chemical in our mind? Is
it something far deeper? It is much
easier to point out the faults of others, the injustices, and the trials and
simply walk away. It is far easier to
place blame than to work on your own shortcomings and bring to the table an
equal serving of understanding and love.
The friend who
inspired this post is one for whom I have admired since meeting her, and yet due
to circumstances within my own relationship, it was necessary to keep her at
arm’s length. I knew of her plight only
through hearsay or from the somewhat biased opinions of those friends mutual to
us. It seems everyone has had advice for
her. We’ll just call “her” Sara for the
sake of remaining incognito. This is,
after all, Durango and we all like to retain some semblance of privacy in this
small town in the Rockies. Sara and I
met through another friend. Sara had
been in the clutches of a separation and what has seemed like an inevitable
divorce. The women in “the circle” that
I knew were certainly opinionated and often times cruel in their comments about
Sara’s situation. It seems everyone
knew, or knows, the fix or what’s best for their “friend”. All the while Sara has taken this journey
ever so slowly. While I wasn’t truly
able to get close to Sara, see the person she was, I was getting to know her
vicariously through my relationships within the circle. When we were fortunate enough to spend time
in close proximity I could feel a certain sense of being grounded when near
her. She just has an air about her. She’s not quick to judge, she’s open minded,
and she has love for all just oozing from her pores. She’s a great soul and I knew it then, as I
know it today.
Trough our little
circle here in Durango we would cross paths, but as I said before, I was unable
to truly know her due to some very unfortunate, childish, and selfish feelings
within that ring. And yet she would
always offer a smile in passing. I would
see her in town while shopping for groceries, on the river trail sometimes when
I’d run, and she’d acknowledge me in sometimes subtle ways, but I always felt
she knew I was there. I would often
wonder how she was, how her separation from her husband was going, and how her
kids were dealing with all of this. I
knew from my own experience how brutal it can be. I could not ask her for fear of the insecurity
laden lashing I’d receive if I crossed that boundary. You see within our little circle, therein
lies sometimes sub circles. She wasn’t
welcome within one circle so I reluctantly (and mistakenly) respected lines
that were unnecessary and hurtful. Sara
would still cross my mind as I heard the stories of contempt, disrespect, and
frustration that permeated all boundaries.
As I said, everyone seemed to know what was best for her. I wasn’t the man then that I am now, nor am I
the man I was even yesterday. It took a cataclysmic
turn of events which would turn my world upside down, to reconnect us. For
whatever reason our paths had crossed again.
We had come full circle, within the circles!
Sara was gracious
that day that our paths crossed again.
Supportive, kind, and incredibly sincere. Worried more for my well being than her
own. I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not being
the friend she was in that moment, when I knew she had likely needed the same
in previous times. My apologies for
standing there frozen in the fear of the tyranny I’d have endured were quickly
dismissed. The conversation progressed
and when I asked how her separation or divorce had progressed, she floored me
with the most heartfelt reply. It seems
her time away had given her, if nothing else, pause! She went on to explain the hesitancy and I
could feel the sincerity in her words.
The time that had passed between them and their decision to split had
been significant. The years spent together
had clearly been more so. It is often
difficult to express emotion through the keys beneath our fingers but as I
typed I felt a small ping of emotion arising.
HOPE. Hope that maybe this friend
had a chance to reflect and make a decision with utter clarity and
conviction. I found myself envying her
for having the wherewithal to put on the brakes and take a moment to
reflect. As the masses were bashing her
husband, throwing him under the proverbial bus (then backing over him again) I
was proud to see this woman taking a stand for what was, and what could still
be. Unapologetically standing for the
essence of love. Not running quickly
away, pointing out the faults, and counting the errors, delivering
ultimatums. She was stopping dead in her
tracks to breathe for a minute. She was
being accountable for the tiny bubble of hope in her heart. She was honoring not only herself, her
children, and her family, she was honoring LOVE. Pure and simple.
As I alluded to
previously, love can be fleeting, and love can fall to the wayside, but most of
all, love can endure. Whether she takes
a right or a left at this crossroad is of little significance to the rest of
us. Her heart is right, her mind is
clear, and she is standing there consciously peering down each path. I look at the slander and words thrown around
over the last couple of years and I’m ashamed to have emulated the cowardice of
the circle cynics. No one seems to believe in second chances anymore. More importantly no one seems to believe in
hope anymore. The odds are clearly
stacked against Sara, but having the courage to take a minute is tantamount to
standing up for all that you are. She
could likely take the path to the left; continue on with her new life. Follow through with her divorce, and make the
rest of her life about herself and her dreams.
She could also take the path to the right and honor the days from her
life spent with this man. Recognize the
difficulties, release the anger, and even accept that not all is (or will be
perfect) but she can take that spark of love and light an inferno. She can try and meld her dreams into his
again. Either path will work for
her. She’s a warrior to the core. She will get through it but I know today that
she has a fan on the fringes of these circles.
She has a friend standing up and screaming “hell yeah”. I’m a fan of the fight. I’m a fan of the underdog. I’m a fan of love and forgiveness. Most of all I’m a fan of Sara. Her world came crumbling down over the last
few years. As she stands in a pile of
debris from a lifetime with a man she loves, she can begin to shovel her way
out, bury the debris, or she can take those crumbled pieces, mix with some
water (love) and some cement (commitment) and she can build a new house. I’m not saying the choice is to turn back
around, or to even try. If your choice
is to leave it all behind and blaze ahead then you alone have to make that
choice. That choice should include all
of the dignity, kindness, compassion, and love that you have not only been
afforded from your lover, but a bit more, as you could possibly be leaving deep
scars within that other soul. Leave with
grace, and leave behind some dignity.
If, however, you choose to turn around and set your sails for home, do
it with all the gusto and energy within your being. Do the work!
Clearly and without reservation.
Put your energies and your efforts into what you choose. Cruelty, intolerance, and vindictiveness only
beget the same.
Either way she’s a
winner. Either way she did the honorable
thing by considering all those involved.
Whether she goes right, or she goes left, she has already taken the road
less travelled. She honored her past,
her connection, her heart, and her love.
If only we could all break the chains (circles) that bind us and not
take the easy way so quickly. I’m proud
of you Sara. I’m proud to call you my
friend and I’ll be right here in your corner no matter which bearing you take.
