Once the anger passes, what is it left in the
wake? When the energy dies down enough
to breathe, what do we have left to do? In
the eye of any storm there lies a peace, but just beyond that peace there is so
much more turmoil. When it’s all said
and done, when you’ve made it through that eye, past the next phase, and out of
the storm you come to a place of acceptance.
It’s a beautiful space where all is quiet, fresh from the falling tears,
the soul feels tender and your heart still hurts, but you know you’ve “got this”. It’s an amazing beauty and serenity filled
space. The shock has subsided and you
know you are where you have to be.
Standing here in tatters, soaked in tears, broken but not forgotten, I
see light. I see and feel so much love;
so many hands reaching out. I know I’m
still in a place of pain, and I know the hurt will last awhile, but I know I
have the support of friends, the community, and my family. I know not what tomorrow brings, but I stand
here drenched in overwhelming love. Love
and kindness from places and faces I’d never expect. I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Gratitude for those who crossed some lines to
give me a little nudge or nod. Grateful
for a couple who’ve truly stood with me through this. It ain’t over, but I have my feet again. I can walk, I can run, and I can even
fly! I’ve discovered so much through
this. I’ve discovered ME again. The tears washed away the rain and the clouds
are slowly parting.
When I close my eyes I see her. When I hear the wind blowing through the
treetops I feel her. I accept these
memories, and I am coming to see them as something to embrace. I can’t look back, but I can embrace the love
I had for her. As I’ve said so many
times, I can choose to remember the good, or I can sulk in the less than
good. I still see her in my dreams. I still wake often searching for her, sometimes
having to walk the streets in the middle of the night to shake this. I can still hear her laughter and see her
face. Like a ghost in the night, I’m
sometimes mesmerized by her grace. She’s
gone now but I see her ghost from time to time.
Time heals all, and the love will eventually fade. I cannot, will not, and dare not try and fill
the hole left in my soul. It remains
there to remind me. I cannot deny the
love within that space. I cannot wash it
away or fill it with someone else. It’s OUR
space and I will honor it until it fills on its own. I’m learning to walk forward and to build a
better life from the rubble. I’m free,
free as I’ll ever be. With acceptance
there is freedom, with forgiveness there is grace, and somewhere in between
lies a space where it’s okay to smile at her memory. I can’t find her feet under the sheets, I
cannot hear her heart beat next to mine, feel her breath dancing through her
lungs. And yet I can remember and honor
the fact that I loved her with every ounce of my being. I can smile at the good, and discard the not
so good. I can sit quietly and
acknowledge that my feelings are just that.
They will fade a little more each day.
As deep as the love is, it too shall pass. I cannot say when, and yet I know I am
safe. I have the support and love of so
many. I am learning from my mistakes and
growing from this in ways beyond description.
I am accepting, learning, growing, and moving forward. All the while I am honoring the memory.
Some days are better than others. Some days I don’t hear her voice, I don’t see
her walking by. Sleep is slowly
returning and suddenly I’m on fire with life again. I have mountains to climb, frozen waterfalls
to waltz with, lives to touch. I have
dreams and desires that had unfortunately become suppressed. The dreams laden with her presence are
fading. I know it is not to be. The desert sunsets and fireside laughter are becoming
a distant memory, but I smile at the light dancing around her beautiful face. I see her in the glow, warmth, and peacefulness
of that desert fire. I’m okay to look
within and feel those memories. I cannot
get past this without feeling these things.
I see her so gracefully dancing upon a vertical expanse. I see her struggling up the sandstone
abyss. I see her elation when she
reaches the top. I still feel the arms
holding me tight after that ascent. I
choose, I choose in this moment, and I choose on this day, to remember that
which bound us so tightly. I passed
through the storm (this one anyway) and I know there could be more, but I hold
on tightly to the fact that I loved beyond what I thought possible. I may still roam the streets at night, searching
for peace, reeling in pain, but I have the comfort of her memory to keep me
warm. The darkness at 3am, as I wander
aimlessly, is not so scary anymore. I
can take the silence, I can feel the pain, and I will keep climbing. I will move forward and one day I will feel
that space filled back in. I will miss
her, I will honor her, and I will remember her.
I will make it. One move at a
time.
