Swan Song

The “swan song” in ancient Greece was a metaphorical phrase used to signify a final gesture before death. The phrase refers to an ancient belief that swans sing a beautiful song in the moment just before death, having been silent during most of their life. Suffice it to say that each of us possesses something within that makes us want to do something fantastic just before we go. Whether that means before we leave this world, or simply say goodbye to a part of our life that is ending. Furthermore I think it's safe to say that any of us have the capacity to fight if pushed to a certain point. It's in all of us, it's primal, and it's real. That survival instinct that for some of us is right on the surface, and for others it's buried so deep within.  Throwing in the towel, letting go, or saying goodbye can be difficult when you truly believe in your heart that what you are turning from was worthy, just, and worth the fight. As we come to the realization that we must go, we feel the song in our hearts percolating to the surface.  A final goodbye, a final cry, the final I love you.  When the undertones beneath the pulse of a relationship run against the grain of your soul, you must release the harmony and bow out as gracefully as possible with all the dignity and self respect you can muster.   

  When you reach the point where there is no more fight left in you be still awhile, be quiet and listen to the music in your heart. I wonder now how long I lay there in her arms a complete stranger. No more goodbye's, I've said my last, no more room to cry, I cannot last, I cannot rise again and step back into that ring. No more I love you’s and no more laughter shared.  With the help of some desert flowers, sandstone walls, and amazing friends, I’ve reached deep into my soul and strummed the strings of my heart song one last time.  I’ve belted out the tune from deep within, one last time.  Sitting upon a sandstone boulder, in an isolated canyon, listening to the wind act as my quartet, I bury in the sand the image I’ve carried with me.  I’ve removed my shoes and slowly buried half of the equation into the sand.  Sliding my toes deeper, to a cooler place, searching but knowing this would now be a solo serenade to whatever tomorrow brings. 

  The desert sky fades to pink, red, orange and blue, and I sit bathed in the fading light, strumming my guitar and allowing the tears to soak the sand.  I strum harder, I reach deeper and I release it.  I sing my swan song to the fading light, toes in the sand, searching, but letting go.  There will be the toes of another to meet mine someday.  Just below the surface, in a cooler place with less volatility and hostility.  Until that day arrives, I will sing, I will dance, I will play, and I will be unafraid to strum those strings and discover all that this life has to offer.  In the astounding clutch of this experience I shall sing my song and dance my dance.  I have said my last goodbye and I now sing to the desert sunsets, the dancing winds, and the glowing moonlight that surrounds my days.  I will pack my guitar and move into the next day, sing a new song, and smile with all the exuberance I can muster.  This life I lead is the one shot that I’ve got and I shall not waste another key, another chord, or another day.  I stare across the sands of this life and I sing my swan song to the heavens and I smile up at the stars as I sit in the glowing light of a crackling fire.  I am free, I am me, and I am content.  As the light fades, a new sunrise will follow.  Face the setting sun, strum those strings, and sing your swan song into that fading light.

Ghosts in the Night

Arising from the cold winter mist, bathed in moonlight and frosty glitter, we approached in laughter and childish exuberance.  A magical evening full of libations, friends, and laughter was so abruptly terminated by a single moment.  It’s astounding how deep words can cut and how exhausting a single moment can be, but with the help from truly amazing people, the night was turned one hundred and eighty degrees and that fantastic evening became this moment in a pasture bathed in silver moonlight.  She was new to our circle, a mere outsider hours before, and yet she was able to turn something so dismal into one of the most magical moments of my life.  We pulled over in her Jeep at what appeared to be a random turn off, but her plan was in motion already.  We were there to meet Corona, her horse and beloved friend.  He was out there somewhere in that pasture.  We had no light but that of the moon and we had no direction but to head for the apparition’s in the distance.  We laughed and joked, hopped through the fields, and became lost in the conversation and laughter.  Lost in our own space we simply walked towards the moonlit pines, the sound of the river in the distance, and the profile of the majestic mountains all around us.

 

  As the apparitions began to form more dominant figures in the night, my gait slowed and my heart began to pound.  Where was Corona and why were there so many more before us?  She gently pulled me along, sensing my trepidation and the slowing of my pace.  Her smile radiant in that silver light, reassuring and comforting, telling me to relax and just be.  Slowly, one by one, they began to rise, move, or stir from their slumber.  I could see the mist exiting from deep within their powerful lungs.  I could hear the flutter of air passing from a peaceful core into the nights chill.  As they ascend from their slumber, collectively recognizing the presence of two outsiders, my pulse began to race and I desperately wanted to flee the gathering assemblage before me.  She simply continued forward, looking over her shoulder and smiling, and I suddenly realized that I was in this far and I needed to trust one with better sense with these creatures.  It was all I had to move forward into the clutch of these ghosts in the night.  To walk towards the fog of their exhales felt like I was walking through their very souls, dancing with the essence of their very breath.

 

  These beautiful creatures came alive in that instant.  Trotting about, grunting, circling, some curious with delight at our presence.  Some timid in the cool frigid air.  Powerfully, peacefully, and delicately they all seemed to come in close.  Encircling us with their grace and covering us with their souls, steam arising from their backs.  The air felt charged with electric energy from their abounding rhythm as they darted in and out, or dancing gracefully on the outskirts of the gathering herd.  I stood paralyzed in utter exuberance.  I found myself face to face with one of the pack and what ensued is something that I will take with me to my final breath.  A white horse approached from the darkness, unhindered, unafraid, and directly at me.  He put his head down as I extended my hand and gently sniffed.  Then he took half a step forward and planted his head into my chest.  I will never forget this magical moment and I will never forget the love pouring from his very soul.  I have always held a healthy respect (if not slight fear) for horses but suddenly I was standing in their world, unafraid and unashamed that I had a tear falling from my eye.  A tear bathed in moonlight and full of anguish and humiliation from weeks of torment and hell.   A beautiful moment, a world away would release those tears.  I am not sure what it means, but somehow I think that one horse came out of the night to lay his head on my chest and tell me it would all be okay.  To not be afraid of the dark and unknown.  To stand fast in the face of adversity and to be still and allow the power around me to just circle and feel the moment.  I will be forever grateful for that night and for a kind soul who knew that the power of those incredible souls could touch me in a way I never knew.  The bottle of wine, crackling fire in the fireplace, and the peaceful, easy conversation that followed were only reminders of what it means to stand in the dark and face the unknown.  Sometimes if we stand in the darkness, under a full moon, we can find the ghosts in the night and bask in the glory and grace of their presence.  If given that opportunity, relish it and be still in the night.  Extend your hand, your heart, and let the white horse bring you peace.

On the Edge

  It is only through falling that we learn to rise again.  Only through our failures are we shown the path to our successes.  When standing on an edge we can feel the earth below us, and yet we can feel the weightlessness before us.  Each time we fall down in life is merely an opportunity to get back up and keep on going.  We must stand through the trials and tribulations in this life in order to appreciate the brevity in that very life.  To know what it is like to stand on the edge, peering into the unknown is a gift like no other.  When someone, or something, pushes you to your edge you have a choice to stand firm in that space.  You can turn your back on what’s beyond that space, face what is pushing you there, and stand resolute in what you know and believe.  At the same time you can turn your back on the abuse, on what’s pushing you, on life’s myriad circumstances that put you there, and you can embrace what’s out there.  You can stand on that edge and not look back.  You have the ability to face that fear of the unknown.  The weightless wonder of new beginnings.  To fall is not final.  To fail is not what defines us.  Getting back up is not optional, but taking the leap into tomorrow with all the gusto you can muster, now that is something wonderful in itself.

 

  Sometimes we find ourselves beat down by the cycles of life.  We too often let our emotions drive us without recognizing that these emotions are simply that!  Thoughts, feelings, and an endless cycle of our brains inability to shut the hell up.  We find comfort and solace in turning back from the unknown; back into the comfort of what we think we know.  We can easily look past the constant diatribe being thrown our way and let our mind tell us that it’s “okay” or “normal”.  That it is just temporary and will change when circumstances change.  Maybe the answer isn’t in accepting what is pushing us, but to accept that it is NOT okay and that we need to redefine our boundaries.  We need to establish these boundaries and place the edge where we see fit, and not where others want to push us.  When you accept the cyclical patterns of abuse, neglect, disrespect, or dishonor, you are only letting someone, or something, else dictate your fate. 

 

  Having the courage to turn your back on something that you felt was important, that you know you love, is tantamount to sliding right up to that edge and dangling your very soul over, into the unknown.  Stopping the cycle can feel like jumping into gravity’s embrace, and yet there is nothing more freeing than doing just that.  We are only here a very short time and each day is precious.  Each friend, each experience is ours to define and ours to make all the richer.  Time is not infinite and none of us are getting out alive.  The tomorrows will not stop coming, but you can make that tomorrow a daring adventure, or stand in the patterns of yesterday. While life is all about patience, and I am a devout believer in second chances, sometimes you must make the choice to break the cycle, to unbind yourself from the chains.  Give all that you can but always keep some in reserve for the one who means the most…YOU.  When you find yourself pushed to the edge, and you have exhausted your very soul, walk a little closer.  Dangle those toes over, spread your wings, don’t look back…and fly!  Fly into the unknown.  Soar into tomorrow and leave the turbulent cycles behind.  Have faith in yourself and be the captain of your own soul.

Chipping Away

  Emerging from some unforeseen circumstance in our life can be like a rebirth.  An opportunity to learn from our past and grow into something even brighter.  Passing through pain can, if you choose, be an opportunity to perpetuate more love unto the world and those around you.  Kindness towards yourself is the key and quietly understanding where you have been can only help you to see more clearly where you are going.  You can filter all the maligned absurdities and simply embrace what was good.  Embrace who, and what you are.  Be a seeker of truth and a defender of honor.  Your path is yours and each step is yours to experience whether it’s a shared journey or one you will continue on your own.  Embrace the journey and think not of the final destination. 

  When we enter a relationship (romantic or otherwise) we come to that place with our past experiences and ideologies.  To come through on the other end, fully intact, and maybe even a bit better for the experience, is something wonderful.  When we have these images of what he or she should be, we have already begun to break down what this other person truly is.  We are raised in a society full of expectations and judgment.  If you know your heart, and if you love who you are, then you should enter into any relationship fully accepting, valuing, and loving the diversity within that other soul.  Chip not at the armor around their heart.  Accept that person completely and fully.  Know that what you are entering is a magical space where you can share beautiful moments and memories that will walk with you into whatever is out there beyond your last breath.  Embrace the differences and shortcomings and know that you too possess so many.  Smile more and find those moments with him/her that make your life all the richer.  Honor the armor around her heart and know that when the timing is appropriate, and if you are lucky enough, there will form a crack in that armor and behind those walls, that armor, that protection, you will find a beautiful heart so full of love and kindness.  If those walls never crumble then at least you have the joy of sharing time with this other soul who clearly attracted you.

  As we pass through a time with another, embrace the time spent and wrap any pain in love for yourself, the experience, and the path ahead.  Focus not on the wrong doing and the pain but on the shared love and the light.  Move towards what is good in front of you and don’t look back on the things that broke you down.  Be who you are and be unapologetic for that.  Keep your own heart close and keep that armor up as long as you must.  Do your best to love and honor the one who you find yourself walking with for they too are just as imperfect as you.  Sit resolute in the silence you find between one another.  Much like the French composer Claude Debussy said; “Music is the space between the notes.” Such is love.  When the silent moments come, when the frustrations grow, when it becomes work to love, you can find the beauty in those moments and persevere and should you not,  then at least you take away something beautiful from that space.  Love can only grow if we put out more love.  Sometimes we give more than we get, and other times we receive more.  Either way, love and kindness are our most effective tools to becoming a better version of ourselves.  When you find yourself in a space where you find love knocking at the wall around your heart, it is up to you to let it fall or to stand firm.  It’s a scary place and a delicate dance, but it is a choice and one not to be taken lightly.  Make the choice carefully and should you find yourself on the other end of this relationship, don’t be bitter but bury the pain in more love.

Out Of the Darkness

  There is a time for peace..at time for war..a time for all things.  More valuable than any other gift we can give ourselves is the gift of letting go.  Truly letting go and stepping into light.  Move forward from a dark time in our lives with all the gusto and gumption we can possibly muster.  To free ourselves from the cyclical patterns that kept us bound to something that kept us from our potential is simply one of the most liberating feelings we can posses.  Whether that dark part of your life is addiction, money problems, perpetual sadness, or a relationship, letting it go and throwing yourself into tomorrow is elation second to none.  Turning your back on something that you thought had become a part of your life, and facing the rest of your life is not only amazing but an act that opens so many more doors.  Letting go of anything can be difficult.  You can let go of hope, love, kindness, friendships, problems, possessions, and once you launch from the bay of darkness you can set yourself adrift into a world of new love, new life, and new possibilities.

  What keeps you in that cycle that you know is tearing you down?  Why do you limit your possibilities and potential?  Within each of us there is greatness.  Not measured by anyone else’s standards.  We are the keepers of what measures up in our lives.  To dwindle away at the hands of something that is clearly holding us back, regardless of what it is, is sacrificing all that we could be, all that we want to be, and all that we know we can be is nothing less than sheer lunacy.  If something is hurting you, move away from it.  Most of us know when we are burned with fire, to not stick our hands back in the fire.  Let the worries of the future go.  Cast off your sails, throw caution to the wind, and rock this bit*%.  You get one shot on this dust ball and you cannot waste one moment when you know you are being held back, stressed, beaten down, or just find yourself in a downward spiral.  Give in to life!

  Sometimes when darkness grabs us, all we need is a friend to walk next to us.  Someone to tell it all to and someone to gently nudge you along.  I know on my journey there are so many friends that have stood there.  Cheering, nudging, cajoling when necessary, and screaming at the top of their lungs to “go”!  No need for names here (you know who you are) but they are out there.  I hope I can make them proud.  I see the smiles on their faces as I pass by now with my head held high, walking tall.  Finding my life again and letting the love pour from inside.  Smiling into the sun.  From the gal who sat along the river with me, to the one who pulls no punches and tells me “you got this”, to those who have sat and listened over a beer.  To the gal who sat ringside, bathed in seat as I let it all out.  What a gift to have such friends.  I feel as though I can take on the world with an army like this. 

  Life is given as a gift.  Truly learning to live without fear is something more.  Learning to walk forward into the face of the unknown is not only a great quality to possess, but paramount to living a full and illustrious life.  To give back to this world, to the friends, to those who have given so selflessly is something I will keep close to my heart from here on out.  For when I felt as though I could not take another step, they carried me.  When I cried, they held me.  When I fell down they lay next to me and encouraged me to get back up.  When I let my own self worth go, they stood steadfast and resolute until I found my footing again.  When I could not breathe they blew life into my soul.  I walk proudly now.  Even as I still feel it around me, I won’t stand in the darkness.  I will not toil in the turmoil.  I will do my best to perfect my life, to perfect my love, and to give it carefully and not bottle it back up due to fear.  I will honor myself and those I love.  I will walk tall and know I gave completely.  As each day passes I will embrace all the emotions that flow through me, I will walk slowly but resolutely out of the darkness.  I will surely find myself in tough times down this road, in the future, but what I learn today, what I do today; will be stored in my heart for the next time I find myself down on one knee.  I will not fail, I may fall, but I will always push through.

A Single Grain

   Hope!  The final frontier for many of us.  A space we hold in our hearts where we find sanctuary in tough times.  When the mountains in our life crumble away, and when the beaches vanish into the sea, with one tiny grain of hope we can hang onto some semblance of a future.  Whatever that may be in our minds, it is ours to digest and dissect ours alone to own and interpret.  Hope is a powerful thing and used wisely can sustain us through so much.  However there lies the antagonistic side of such hope.  Held onto for too long and you can be left hopeless and feeling lost in a sea of despair.  So how then do we find a balance?  How do we decide how to best utilize that hope?

 

  You can hang onto that one grain of sand, that piece of hope.  You truly can until your very last breath.  I feel that to do so is not only dignified but an honorable thing to do.  Life is mercurial at best and who knows what can happen.  However if you fixate on that hope, on that one grain, then you run the risk of an even more enormous fall from grace.  If you hang onto nothing else but hope, you are putting it all on the line.  We cannot invest all that we have on that grain.  Some feel we can redefine that hope and put it towards something more productive than that which landed us in such a barren wasteland.  It’s healthy to feel hopeful and as I said, I feel it’s healthy to keep that one grain close to your heart.  That doesn’t mean that what lies within that hope will remain the same.  As we grow and work through the process of loss, grief, sadness, or disaster, we find ourselves fixated on a tiny spec of what we thought, think, or believe can be.  If we sit in that space too long, it can destroy us.  It’s best we acknowledge this grain of hope and we continually analyze it.  Seeing not just where it lies, but what lies beyond that and maybe even redefining what we think, and where we think that powerful thing should be invested.  If you are careful where you invest your hope, it has the potential to build mountains in your heart; vast beaches in your soul.  If you are open and attentive to what is around you, you have the ability to transform what seems impossible into something more tangible.  Hope for lost love often feels like a one way street.  Why not reinvest that and move forward beyond what you thought possible?  Hope for better.  Hope for what you deserve, and hope for equality.  Most of all, hope for the future and whatever it brings to you.  When you hang your hope on what is gone, you are run the risk of watching it fall.  Don’t let it lay stagnant in an empty space.  Harness it, make a choice, and commit to that choice. 

 

  Hope is good, hope is real, but with one grain left, a gentle breeze is enough to blow it away.  If you choose to hang that grain of hope on what has passed, and you do decide to take that gamble, take it to new heights.  Invest that hope with all you have because you know the risk.  You know the odds are stacked against you so focus, be clear, and go forth gracefully with your heart wide open.  Know that if that wind blows you better hang on for if it blows away that grain you must accept that you were wrong.  Go forth with confidence.  Either choice is up to you, but where you put that hope is of utter importance for if your last grain of hope is lost, life is truly less vibrant without that hope.

 

  Hope sometimes feels like the glue that holds it all together.  When those mountains come crashing down it’s hard to imagine that you could ever see such marvels again.  Yet if you listen quietly and invest wisely, you can watch as that one grain grows back into something so vast and beautiful.  There will be times that you hold the soul of another in your hands, like a handful of sand.  When you find yourself there go gently forward.  As the sand falls through your fingers, realize that maybe, just maybe, a single grain will remain in the creases of that hand.  Go forth gently and invest wisely.  Believe in hope, put it where it belongs, and run boldly into tomorrow.  Believe in hope, believe in love, and believe in life.  Make no apologies for where you invest your hope, and run with the wind, not against it.