Pain Gauge

How do you gauge pain? Scale of 1-10? High to low? The doctors always seem to ask me to rate my pain and when I tell them it F*&$ing hurts worse than trying to squeeze a 10 pound kidney stone from my whowho....they say "on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst". Why would you have to ask me that after I answered so eloquently? How about it hurts so bad that I would rather you take a large carpenters hammer ( the kind with the knurled head) and smack me right between the eyes? Hows that. Does that make you understand? Not usually. Then the white coats may ask you "what is the quality of your pain? Does it radiate, pulse, burn?" Are you freaking kidding me. It feels like someone is sticking my leg in a meat grinder and hand cranking it. Nope, not putting it on "grind" and getting it over with fast - nooooo that would be to easy. Nice and slow. Radiate? You are joking right. I feel the pain down to the core of my soul when it happens. I bet the guy next to me feels it when my pain "radiates".

My advice to you is- don't ever, ever, ever, flippin', ever break your calcaneus. Land on your head, your back, your sack, or your face, but just don't break this bone. The "quality" of pain is exponential. I can't even describe it. Oh yeah, and they don't tell you that as the MASSIVE swelling goes down the level, quality, and frequency of the pain is amplified. Yup - I am glad the swelling is going down. This means they can cut on me and give me my Go Go Gadget heal next week. That means I can start the healing process and start ticking off the days on the calendar until I climb once again. But !!!!!! With the decrease in swelling comes the unmentioned fact that all those vessals and nerves that have been cut off due to the grotesque swelling are now infused with blood. The kicker is that you are told to spend AS MUCH time as possible with your foot elevated above your heart. This helps by keeping the blood from the limb as much as possible. So, you have spent most of the day with your leg elevated..then you gotta take a whiz....oooohh no. You know what's coming. You put your foot down, reach for your crutches and all of a sudden it feels like someone has taken a bastard file ( yes that's a real tool) to your tibula, fibula and every bone and muscle in the immediate vicinity. At work, they all stop what they are doing and watch as I stand. I think they find it entertaining, hunched over on the crutches, turning pale, and having a major episode of Sudden Onset Tourette's Syndrom. And boy can I let the epithet's emanate. It kind of makes me laugh as I lay here on my back in a much lower class of pain.

So then, how do you gauge your wellness? "Oh I feel good today." "My back doesn't ache this afternoon." For me it is "wow my flippin' pain subsided for the last 30 seconds, should I make a run for the pisser?" My pain doesn't really come and go...it just keeps on coming. I eat pain for breakfast with my Cheerios. How bout a nice warm glass of excruciating, radiating, thumping, piercing, rotten ass pain? Now that is what I am talking about. All this pain leaving my body is making way for the pain that I will receive next week after my surgery. So is it bad when Lortab and Oxycodone can't even take the edge off? I have found the sliver lining, and the reason for this. I am going to be immune to pain after about 6 months of this. Yeahhhhhhh I am going to be one tough SOB. My pain gauge is going to be amped up, remodeled, and set for "you can't touch this". I measure my pain quality by how close I get to passing out. This has got to be good for all that future Alpine Climbing. Look out world the new and improved Jim will be here soon. New metal heel and all.

I will keep looking for the answers to life's funny little questions. I will keep my eyes and my mind open. My gaze will always be tilted up...looking for answers and scoping the rock for the day I can feel it under my skin once again. I am grateful to all the friends I have and especially to the amazing family that won't let me get down about this. With them, the pain is only a nuisance and nothing more. The pain will not define who I am, it will only test my will and strength, and I shall win.