It is often said that “the eyes are the windows to our hearts”. I couldn’t have put it better myself. In my wife’s eyes I have always found comfort in looking through those windows. They presented themselves as big, stunning, huge, bay windows, with a view into a beautiful vista full of love, kindness, and compassion. When I have felt the pressure of life tugging at my heels, I have always found comfort in peering through those windows. Inside I could rest assured I'd always find peace, which would always calm my soul and lift me back up. Today I stand outside in a torrential downpour of freezing rain. Those windows are fogged; full of condensation on the inside, building up and ready to drip like a falling tear.
Being outside, looking in, you wonder what now lies beyond those windows. What lies beneath? Beneath the heart that you once knew and cherished. Deeper than that – down deep in her soul and yet deeper in her spirit. I will always wonder if what I thought had been true, or was I always looking through stained glass. Was I always peering through fogged up windows? The optimist in me says “you did good Jim – you honored what you had in the best way that you knew how”. The fighter in me is ever dominant, ever present, and is always willing to fight. The odds matter little, the critics matter less. When you believe in something you fight. When you have given your heart and soul, you fight. You fight with all that you are. You fight until you exhale your last breath. You know that to fight is to give it your all and you know that you have never thrown in the towel during a fight. Now you find yourself wondering if the time has come to do just that.
As you stand firm and weather the storm, you maintain your steadfast focus. Your unwavering ability to see things through. All the while your focus is on the windows to the world you once knew. The world you once loved. Peering through what was once familiar, into a vastly different world. One which you do not know. The pain is so intense that you can feel the blood beating its way through your veins. Every beat of your heart is like the rain beating down on those windows. The pain is incomprehensible, and at times downright unbearable, yet you know not how to walk away.
As the downpour dissipates, and the skies clear, a ray of light breaks through. You think you see more clearly, but then realize it is only you who sees more clearly. All you see now is your own reflection – all else is gone. You stare at those windows for one last look before slowly, reluctantly, turning away. As you begin to walk away, you slowly pull your head forward, releasing the gaze that once peered into the windows that lead to love. You walk away – you live to fight another day.
6 comments:
"All you see now is your own reflection – all else is gone." You are bringing tears to my eyes Jim! WHERE did you learn to write like that? I love how honest and real and descriptive your words are. I hope they are cathartic to write because they are meaningful and touching to everyone who reads them.
Sounds like you are working out. I've not been back to kickboxing since my plantar fasciitis started acting up in my heel. I can do the treadmill and elliptical, but no classes. Oh well, nothing like your heel pain....just an annoying little pain.
Keep writing!!
Keep trying to clean those windows. They may be dirty, but you can do it and she can do it.
Jim You are a good man,Father,and Freind.I wish this never happened to you and Peg.
Brian Nellen
Jim,
Im not sure what happened with you and Peg, but what I do know is that you always were and always will be a great father to those 2 great kids of yours. You will get through this difficult process, despite the obvious pain.
Ed
Well said, Brian! Keep writing Jim! You are doing great. I know it may not feel like it right now, but you will get there.
Sheri
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