Looking up less, forward more

Looking up less, forward more

When you have your life ripped from your grasp in a sudden devastating blow, you are often left reeling and in shock. The grieving process is well documented in books, articles, and all over the internet, yet it is of little solace. You think you know pain. I thought I knew pain. Just read my blog about my injury – pain and I have been pretty close in recent months. I’d take two broken heels ( twice over ) if I could trade the pain that I feel now. Your life is altered in EVERYWAY imaginable and in ways unimaginable. Little triggers pull you back at the oddest times. A song, a word, the fresh mountain air as you hike through the trees trying to move on and forget. You have an ever present battle in your mind – move on..don’t give up hope…have faith, when all you really have is your faith and this empty shell of what you once were. People stop by your desk and pat you on the back and tell you how good you are doing. Really?! Funny – I feel half dead, or better yet, three quarters dead. The three most important things in my life are gone. Sure I will always have the kids, but they are FOREVER CHANGED and our time together has been cut in half (AT BEST).

I hit my knees often and it feels good. I have always known that there was something bigger out there but I am a pretty independent person and a very strong willed person. I don’t believe in calling in favors too often, but this has been different. Sure at first I asked for her back…”please bring her back”..but as time goes on , my thoughts evolve, my personality evolves…I look up and ask for that less and just simply ask for ME back. Let the cards fall where they may, but when the people who have been close to you for years see the “old you” coming back, you kind of have to embrace that and work on that. You have to look forward and realize that you did not ask for this and you do not want this, but with each day you grow within and you are constantly lifted up and given such raw feedback. You realize that you are not what you are ( and were ) always told. You are good, and people love what you are. Like Popeye always says…”I am what I am”. Nothing in the near future will be easy, but I am surrounded by wonderful friends who are honest with me and who know what lies beneath. When you begin to accept and internalize your resources ( for me anger) you begin to take a hold of who and what you are. You utilize those “resources” in positive ways. You begin to replace that hope you had with ambition and understanding of what you need to do. It takes courage to fight for what you love, but it takes more to let it go. While I know the road is long and full of bumps…sometimes you just have to pick your path, put your head down….and look forward.