A heart without Wings

A heart without wings is like a wild animal caged and held in captivity, a living being waiting to reach its potential. Through it all, I have felt the quintessential need to sprout wings and let my heart take flight. Contrary to the way most people would interpret that statement, I don’t mean that my heart wants to fly away and find a new home, new horizons, or newness in general. What I mean is that your heart and soul can only take so much of a beating before they begin to fight back, to go into “self preservation” mode. Like a bird that has been injured and grounded, you will keep your senses on overdrive and continually watch out for danger and things that can hurt you. Like the caged animal, a grounded bird has lost its greatest ability. It has lost its ability to soar above and look down on what is below, like the caged animal it is held captive. Being grounded for so long, you can only look up and long to soar again. Through the clouds, through the rain, through the heart of everything. Crisp air is what you crave. The freshness of life flowing through your lungs, under your wings, and in your face. Those little flutters when you plunge earthbound, only for a moment, only to regain control. The adrenaline that courses through your veins when you know you are free is something that only the “free” can experience.
So does “free” mean “free to roam”? That depends on who you ask. I truly believe that we all cage our hearts and minds to a certain extent. Whether due to relationships, hardships, beliefs, or fear. Because you love, doesn’t mean your heart is not free. Free to fly. Free to explore who you are. When you love something – set it free…right? Well, dare to set your heart free, no matter your situation or circumstances. When you can do this, you can live exponentially more than you ever have. You can experience love and life like never before. In doing so you only enhance what is true in your heart. The love you have for others will blossom and reach new heights. Unfortunately that love that I had is gone. Gone to another and gone to a place of irreconcilement. What you felt was just Purgatory turns out to be hell.
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ir⋅rec⋅on⋅cil⋅a⋅ble
–adjective
1. incapable of being brought into harmony or adjustment; incompatible: irreconcilable differences.
2. incapable of being made to acquiesce or compromise; implacably opposed: irreconcilable enemies.
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When your heart reaches this point you must spread your wings and lift yourself up again. Out of the fire that surrounds you. You know you must leave the place you are and reach those heights that hold the key to understanding. All the while you feel the overwhelming absence of the ground below you. The grounded feeling of familiarity, of the nest that was home. You were once something to someone, and now you are nothing to them. They were your whole life and all that you were; now you must reach new heights and redefine your boundaries. All the while, you miss what once was. You ask why, but eventually you only ask what is next.
Like that bird leaving the nest you slowly spread your wings and stretch them out. You move to the edge and look around. You see a great unknown, a vast landscape of possibility. You know not what you do. Your heart races between those wings as you look back on your nest. You know that this is home and what feels right, yet you must fly. You are being bumped from your nest, ejected if you will. So you can either fall to the ground and spend your days looking out for what stalks you, or you can spread your wings and soar. Your heart will always belong to that place you called home, that one you loved. You know that your heart has been pure and true. You know that the love you felt was real, but all you feel is pain and the sudden shove over the edge. So you spread those wings and inhale – lean forward into the oncoming wind, and you fly. You let go and feel that pounding as you suddenly fall from grace. You hold your breath and close your eyes. Hold your wings rigid and firm. Looking straight ahead at all times. The ground rushes up, the blood moves to your head. Terminal velocity seems inevitable…but then it happens. Something reaches down, or maybe it is the rush of wind coming at you, but suddenly you feel weightless. Free. The pressure and pain subsides and you feel like you are floating. You exhale and take in a breath of new air. Pure air, much like the love you felt. Crisp, refreshing, and full of what you need to live. All you are is in that breath and the wind fluttering beneath your wings. Suddenly you are lifted and soaring high above all the world around you. Overcast skies give way to beaming light, staleness to freshness, gravity to uplifting joy, and turmoil to peace.
Could I have had these same experiences in my marriage? I did. Every day. I loved like there was no tomorrow. Did I make mistakes? You better believe it, but I always honored what we were and I always kept that heart with wings. So take it from one who cannot return to that nest; spread your wings with the one you love. Fly together and fly far.