What’re the odds a man could go through a hell unlike any he could know, a hell for which no one could prepare you for, and within find a kind hearted soul that would make you forget? What are the odds that you could find a kindred spirit within a glass of wine and grilled steaks? If you were a betting man you'd place the odds at about even. For every 100 single women in the county of La Plata (that’s here in Durango) there are approximately 103 single men. Not bad odds. Just about as dead even as could be. Delving further into the statistical cyber googleness, you find that the number of single men that are “gainfully” employed in this county is quite disappointing. Seems we live in an odd environment here in Durango Colorado. Our little town is an anomaly of sorts. It would appear that being single and having a job in this town are good things. I have one of those at least.
So it is no surprise that it can seem so effortless to adapt to my ever changing environment. I have no desire to “be” with anyone else, and cannot foresee that day. Yet all the while you look for nothing more than friends that you can talk to and contemplate life's odds with? You meet so many people, yet only occasionally to you find one who can truly take you to a place of forgetfulness. You feel a sense of betrayal in even exploring the hearts that surround you. Then suddenly you find a spirit within this conglomerate of friendships that takes you to a place of bliss. Within this spirit that you have encountered, you find a soul full of experience and love, yet you feel wracked with guilt. All that is wrong with the situation is pointed out in the most profound of ways, by those who would still peddle hope for a situation that is anything but. You sit next to this person and you see peace and comfort in her eyes. You feel an abating presence to your situation when you are with her, amnesia temporarily sets in. Your laughter emerges freely and with little effort. I can’t explain the ease for which we talk and laugh, or simply just be quiet and sit there. The hell in your mind, the war in your heart, the battles that rage in your soul are all put to rest in her company. A cease fire sets in and you can breathe peacefully again. That guilt and betrayal are just a concept imposed by society. You know the past is behind you yet you don’t want anyone to hurt or feel uncomfortable. All you know is there is an ease about you when you are near her. Being you has never flowed with such effortlessness. No preconceived notions or expectations are there. You are not seeking more than what comes naturally. The laughter flows along with the wine.
I have begun to contemplate the words upon my chest. Dum Spiro Spero – While I Breathe , I Hope. Profound as they are to everyday life, they were put there so that I will always know what lies within my heart. I have always hoped for so much. Now I can only speculate what tomorrow will bring but I know it will include hope. Hope that I can continue to roll the dice and occasionally win. With this person, I have won a new kind of person in my life. A friend for whom the laughter has no boundaries or limits. The ease for which I breathe in her company is refreshing. The fact that there are NO expectations is comforting. Slowly the guilt for being “me” falls away. The door to door salesmen of hope will only keep knocking, yet I will not let them in. The hope that I have is for a better tomorrow, not for yesterday.
So what are odds?
odds
Show Spelled Pronunciation [odz] Show IPA
Use odds in a Sentence
–noun (usually used with a plural verb )
1. the probability that something is so, will occur, or is more likely to occur than something else: The odds are that it will rain today.
I am not a betting man, but I am going to bank my faith, hope, and odds on the fact that I can move forward and that there are people out there who will not judge me for putting one foot in front of the other. Moving forward is the only option that I have. I have been given no more options, yet so many were taken from my quiver. So for those who have seen me walking down the street with the aforementioned person, I hope you see the simplicity in it. I hope you see the freedom in being near someone who takes it all away and lets every ounce of your true self flow from inside. I hope you will look upon this person, me, and all the people like this and see that sometimes when you roll the dice and open yourself up to someone, you can win and realize that it is okay to open yourself up to “others”. To those who see anything negative in finding such a person to share some of your time with; I am sorry to have let you down, but I must walk on. You see, I live in the greatest town on earth. We are surrounded by mountains, lakes, rivers, snow, and trees. Most of all we are surrounded by love and enlightenment. I live in a town where the people around you see what is good and they will not stand by and watch you fall. With the ratios in this town, I am going to place my odds on the fact that there are other kindred spirits out there in our little community. I only hope to share more moments with them and continue to open up to who I am and share my story when it helps. The odds of my hell continuing are slim to none. It’s time to start placing my bets on a better tomorrow.
18 comments:
I told you. You go boy! You seem to be surrounding yourself with us good "Durangoans". I know who you are talking about and I'm not telling.
I am so glad you found someone there to help you "forget" for a bit. Continue to open yourself up to people and you may be surprised at what you find!
Sheri
Ol' Blue Eyes? Come on Jim, tell us.
Wow....what HAVE I missed while on vacation???? :) Here's to better and brighter days and the wonder of the people God places in our lives.
Michelle
Well here it is, I've kept my mouth shut long enough. I am glad to see your doing so much better now. You said "Most of all we are surrounded by love and enlightenment. I live in a town where the people around you see what is good and they will not stand by and watch you fall". It's too bad there's that one that was just too blind too see the goodness in you. Her loss though! Someone elses gain. I never could understand why it was you thought I would blame you for this crap. Mom and dad and even Lee said you were scared to talk to me for that reason. I WOULD NEVER take her side over yours. You are family, something she fogot about, and family comes first and foremost. Yes, in a way she still is family, but she made her choice. Your my Bro! Through all of our ups and downs your still my Bro, and I will always have your back. I know I have always been the hard-ass brother. I shoot strait from the hip and thats how it is. Thats just me though. Seems as though you are turning out to be the better man than I could ever become. I don't think I would have it in me to be so forgiving. You amaze me! Your writing and all. Your just amazing. You keep walking and just keep being a good father. Those two kids need someone to look up to right now. I love you BRO!
Nice. I am not a gambling man myself, but it seems like you have found something that might be worth gambling on. Good stuff buddy.
Yay Paul- you rock! Where've you been?! And Jim, you grab onto those moments of happiness and be okay with it! While I will always hope for the best for everyone involved, the important part is that you recognize your efforts were (and are) the best you can put out there and that's all you can do.
I know you and I know "who". I know you well enough to KNOW that when you say "a friend" you mean it. Glad you are meeting new people and if others want to speculate then let them. You are a better man than you give yourself credit for. You need to know that it IS okay for you to move forward. I think if there are skeptics out there who think you are doing something wrong, they need to stop and think about what you just wrote about a "friend"! Funny thing is that people who know the "who" would realize that it is the same person you have spoken of previously. A "friend" who has helped you through this hell. They should also read to the left of your main page on what it is to be a friend. Great saying and a refreshing post to see you are out there surrounding yourself with something (or someone) good. No shame in that. You do wear those words (sweet tattoo by the way) on your chest. You have given hope to others too, so don't forget what that means.
I'm with Jacki. You have done well Jim and it is okay to be happy again. I know you love Peg with every ounce of what you are, but she has none for you and you must give that where it is wanted. Just go slow and take your time. You have said yourself that "being alone" is "gratifying and cleansing". You say you will stay alone for a long time "aside from friends and companionship" but I beg to differ. Stay strong my friend, you continue to inspire. BTW, love your pics on here. The slide show is a cool bonus.
Katrina
Jimbo,
You deserve moments like this. I want to move to Durango now.
What Up Paul? How Ya Been?
Mickey C
Nice work and a good feel on this one. Life after the storm.
I'll take odds on Meyer. Don't lose that kindness, forgiveness or heart you posses.
Susan
I'll take Meyer, and place my odds on him being "good enough".
Good for you Jim. You deserve some peace and good laughs. Sounds like you have made a step in the right direction.
I am at a loss for words for the person that you are, and I know that person beyond this blog. You amaze me as you do those around you. Even when you struggle on your worst days, you find a way to say kind things (genuine things) to those all around you. Even strangers. The love that you posses is not wasted, only misguided for so many years. I don't know who it is you wrote about in this post, but I know you well enough to know that you are a slow mover and you value the "friendship" before all else. Hold onto her and don't listen to the bullshit around you. You are here now and that is a good place.
Jen
Here is a quote for you I thought you might like.........
"Man's way leads to a hopeless end, but God's way leads to an endless hope."
Nice Jim. I am so glad you have found companionship with one who seems to enjoy your company as well. I hope it takes you away more times than not. I am sorry for your situation yet overwhelmed with pride in seeing who you are becoming and how you have handled this.
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