Going Solo

Every journey begins with the realization that you don’t want to be where you are. Be it through suffering, be it through pain, be it through unhappiness, or discontentment, you feel the need to venture forth. Sometimes the choice is made for you and you are faced with a vast landscape unknown to you. The blank canvas before you can prove to be daunting, or exciting. Only you can define that which you walk into. Your feet as the brush are to the painter, an extension of what is inside. They take you to the final destination. The paints are all the variables around you, some of which can be mixed to create new variables, new opportunities. The journey begins with something right? That first step? Nah – too cliché’. Sometimes you care not to walk off into the new canvas but you suddenly realize you are left standing there alone. Standing solo with a vast uncharted world before you. Like the early explorers you know not what you face. Like an orphan you are left with emptiness so colossal that every thought seems abandoned in a fog that covers all the internal peaks in your heart. Like snow covering the colors of fall, you feel cold and lost. Before you lay a trial for which you have no defense. You simply walk forward onto this canvas, brush in hand, surrounded by colors, or possibilities, if you will.

The first step of any big climb is always full of anticipation, excitement, and fear. When you are abruptly faced with an unsuspected climb, you have to take a moment to regroup. Often times while I have been climbing, I see a ridge, a summit, or a bump that I suspect may be the top. The feeling of elation takes over and you suddenly are overwhelmed with hope. Hope that what you set out after is there, right in front of you. You speed up; your gait is lightened and quickened. Then you reach that ridge and realize it was a false summit. You still have a ways to go before reaching the peak. It is at this point when you think all is good, and it turns out that it is not, that you must reassess and look at the unplanned climb before you. You could give up and head back, as many do, but you are a fighter. You are wise enough to always have left a little in reserves. You are thirsty and drink in all around you. You sense the cool mountain air blowing up the ridge before you, the sound of the breeze whispering through the pine trees. You drink it all in. In utter awe that what could be seen as such a bad thing has now turned into such a beautiful thing. The future is yours. The canvas is your world, you are the artist. You have made the choice to push on and see the goodness before you and around you. Your false summit has now turned into an extension of the journey you set out on. You have more time to enjoy this life you have been gifted. God speaks to you up here, you listen intently.

When starting off on a solo climb, you tend to become more centered. You become more grounded, but only figuratively. You are free and there is only you and the world. The canvas is before you and you are the master of your own destiny. You have prepared as best you can, however you did not expect the false summits and new challenges you face. You push forward, not looking back. You put your head into the wind. The chilling breeze penetrates through the layers you have surrounded yourself with. These layers were there to protect you from such violations, yet they still find a way through, robbing you of the warmth within. Like demons in the night, the biting wind is ever present, ever merciless. You zip up tighter, bite your lip, and push on. As you gain altitude, closer to God, the air grows thinner yet richer. Richer with life and the abundant calmness that lets you know you are close. You are closer to heaven than most men dare to be. You are alone but you feel surrounded by so much. Like the orphan, you are full of life, full of opportunity, and still you are without direction, without support. No life compass- only your canvas before you and your brush to guide you. Your climb through these peaks and valleys has always been full of false summits, false hopes, shattered dreams, and disappointment. The optimist in you sees those things as simple challenges that you have overcome with grace. Here you are once again, the world before you, much of it below you, and it is yours! You continue higher and the summit is near. Unlike the false summits, this one is real, tangible, and within reach. You are above the clouds, walking on God’s doorstep.

You reach the top calmly and full of life. As you look around, you realize that this is just one of many summits. There are so many peaks and valleys before you. The journey will not be easy, but there is so much to see, so much to experience. You feel a peace for which only one who has made such a journey can understand. You are above the clouds and in the realm of those with wings. You are solo, but you are surrounded by so much that is good, so much love, and so much kindness. You are at peace and you are at home.

Rage and an Angel

The rage that lies deep within me is not something that I am a stranger to, nor something I talk much about or am proud of. It was a crutch in my youth to aid my walk through life with all the turmoil that surrounded me. It is a rage that has laid in waiting, suppressed, deep seated and unequivocal to any anger or rage that would be considered normal in this day and age. To help me through that rage, and to help me understand it, I began to get help (all in my youth) in the form of anger management, counseling, and by way of the justice system; in the form of kickboxing. Rage is something we all live with, be it road rage, parking lot rage, joggers rage, or rage at the pickle jar that we can’t get into. We all deal with that rage in different ways. My rage has remained dormant for so many years. Remember that I said it was something that I dealt with in my youth and had suppressed and moved away from. Through the process, I acquired new tools to deal with it. I learned that you could be productive in the way you used your fists. You could step into a ring and do it right! You could step into a ring where your opponent was willing and able to give you back what you dished out, ounce for ounce, blow for blow. I found peace through my fists, feet, elbows, and knees.

As the months turned to weeks, then years, I faced those demons less and less. I had all but forgotten they were there. When my life was turned upside down on April 15th of this year those demons still remained deep inside, replaced by an unexplainable sadness and sense of loss. I couldn’t put my gloves on and step into a ring to fight back. I could not slowly stock my enemy and wear him down, methodically taking away the steam that pushed him forward. Each kick, each punch, each elbow, slowly chipping away at the incoming rage from the opponent. Chin low, hands up, constantly moving to avoid the next onslaught of blows. A strange sense of calmness and familiarity washes over your body as you step into a fight in the ring. A grounded sensation touches your soul and you see the work that lies ahead as you assess who is standing there in front of you. All the sounds around you slowly fade away and you feel the rampage begin to surface from deep below. You know that the rage will slowly take control and that is the way it is to be. That is the way of the warrior. Hold the rage until you need it, then release it, but always remain in control of it. Know when to let it fly and know that you must reinforce it with critical thinking and decisiveness. All of this was absent on that night when my life changed. I had no tools, nothing to fight back with, what was taken was done behind closed doors…out of the ring, cowardly and callous. At that point there was no opponent that I knew of other than myself. I stood there defeated. Unable to face my opponent. Unable to take my life’s training and utilize it to my benefit. At that time, the only opponent I had was the truth. Like my aforementioned demons, this opponent would prove to be resilient, deceiving, and hiding in the shadows, yet I had to do what I knew best – fight!

Today, six weeks later I step from that ring with my head held high. My arms by my side, shoulders slumped from the tireless fight, but my heart risen in victory. Victory in knowing that the truth truly will set you free. The victory of TRULY forgiving and once again releasing that rage. The fight has not been an easy one. I was unfortunate enough to run into (recently) the enemy that hid in the shadows. I had since forgiven all, but that deep seated rage came to the surface like a volcano erupting, bursting with energy ready to surface and erupt into the world. Suddenly I was tossed back into a ring that I had stayed away from for so long. The real ring, the real thing! The one where people can be hurt and lives can be changed forever. Not unlike the ring I battled in for the past 6 weeks, yet more real, tangible, and dangerous. I snapped and the tunnel vision slowly drew closer. I fought the feelings, I paced to and fro, and I tried to shake it off. Nothing worked. I wanted this bout. I deserved this bout. Regardless of forgiveness, justification was evident. Those around me were seeing something, someone, they had never seen. Many were in tears, some were scared, some just wanted to leave, yet they all stayed. They stayed in my corner and they tried to hold those demons down. Like a drug coursing through my veins, the rampage was there, pulsating and working its way to the surface. I began to shut down and focus. Stare at my opponent, methodically plan, slow my breathing, clenched fists and feet tamping..ready to fly. Nothing was working. No one was stopping this. Words were being spoken, yet I did not hear, hugs being given, but I did not feel. All I felt was my world, my fight.

Then I walked out. I’m not sure if it was a momentary return to reason, something someone said, or if someone dragged me out, but I left. Did I feel release? No way. More anger! I wanted back in the ring. Back at it. I wanted the warriors way! I deserved this “chance”. So we continued on down the street, me in my rage, my friends in their daze. No street light, no siren, no rumbling Harley could take my focus from my intended task. Then it happened – I was carrying something for someone I had yet the privilege of getting to know, and when we got to her car, she just wrapped her arms around me and it all came crashing down. All my defenses, all the surging anger, all the weeks of turmoil and angst. The mountain of rage below me slowly came crashing down, cascading down like a sudden avalanche. My pulse slowed, my muscles relaxed, and my tachycardic heart returned to a place of balance. I HAVE NEVER felt such a release. Few words exchanged, just a gentle touch and an overwhelming sense of goodness. Through our tears, through the darkness of the night, I looked into the eyes of an angel. Blue as the sky after a storm. Gentle, caring, and overwhelmingly peaceful. My world was coming back. The tunnel was slowly pulling back. The heat radiating from within, through my skin, was gone; I could feel the cool night’s air. I felt uplifted, free of rage, free of anger. Lifted and comforted in the arms of a blue eyed angel. One in whom I will always feel indebted and comforted.

After any good fight a true and noble warrior will thank those who made the battle possible. I would not be here writing this had it not been for the following people, and so many more that I am sure I will forget to mention, instead I would likely be locked in a cage for quite some time: Julie who has been my comrade in arms through this journey and who continually encourages me: Neil and Linda who have opened their hearts and doors for me: Neil who stood there like a warrior in his own right to prevent, as best he could, what was to come: Erick and Molly who also have opened their hearts and home to me and who saw a little bit of El Diablo that night: Leah, you are just too darn easy to talk too. The Oakies: welcome to Durango huh?! Sean, your words on the walk back and on the deck were a true testament to your character: Ash, you came to the rescue when the rescue was needed and I will forever be grateful. To your friend you brought with you….you obviously understood where I was at and what I needed to do: To the Angel of Calmness and Peace: there just aren’t words. You know who you are and I won’t name you here for fear that you “won’t talk to me for a week”. You exude a sense of peace that draws people to you and brings comfort to those in turmoil. Our talks since have reassured me that I wasn’t imagining things that evening. When you wrapped your arms around me and cried with me…I knew I felt wings on your shoulders. Last but not least: to J & S – my forgiveness is genuine and utterly unabashed. I will not apologize for what happened. It is what it is. I am happy that you two have the chance to find happiness again and I truly wish you the best. I hope that we can one day walk by one another and smile and hold out a hand in mutual respect. All my best to you.

A heart without Wings

A heart without wings is like a wild animal caged and held in captivity, a living being waiting to reach its potential. Through it all, I have felt the quintessential need to sprout wings and let my heart take flight. Contrary to the way most people would interpret that statement, I don’t mean that my heart wants to fly away and find a new home, new horizons, or newness in general. What I mean is that your heart and soul can only take so much of a beating before they begin to fight back, to go into “self preservation” mode. Like a bird that has been injured and grounded, you will keep your senses on overdrive and continually watch out for danger and things that can hurt you. Like the caged animal, a grounded bird has lost its greatest ability. It has lost its ability to soar above and look down on what is below, like the caged animal it is held captive. Being grounded for so long, you can only look up and long to soar again. Through the clouds, through the rain, through the heart of everything. Crisp air is what you crave. The freshness of life flowing through your lungs, under your wings, and in your face. Those little flutters when you plunge earthbound, only for a moment, only to regain control. The adrenaline that courses through your veins when you know you are free is something that only the “free” can experience.
So does “free” mean “free to roam”? That depends on who you ask. I truly believe that we all cage our hearts and minds to a certain extent. Whether due to relationships, hardships, beliefs, or fear. Because you love, doesn’t mean your heart is not free. Free to fly. Free to explore who you are. When you love something – set it free…right? Well, dare to set your heart free, no matter your situation or circumstances. When you can do this, you can live exponentially more than you ever have. You can experience love and life like never before. In doing so you only enhance what is true in your heart. The love you have for others will blossom and reach new heights. Unfortunately that love that I had is gone. Gone to another and gone to a place of irreconcilement. What you felt was just Purgatory turns out to be hell.
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ir⋅rec⋅on⋅cil⋅a⋅ble
–adjective
1. incapable of being brought into harmony or adjustment; incompatible: irreconcilable differences.
2. incapable of being made to acquiesce or compromise; implacably opposed: irreconcilable enemies.
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When your heart reaches this point you must spread your wings and lift yourself up again. Out of the fire that surrounds you. You know you must leave the place you are and reach those heights that hold the key to understanding. All the while you feel the overwhelming absence of the ground below you. The grounded feeling of familiarity, of the nest that was home. You were once something to someone, and now you are nothing to them. They were your whole life and all that you were; now you must reach new heights and redefine your boundaries. All the while, you miss what once was. You ask why, but eventually you only ask what is next.
Like that bird leaving the nest you slowly spread your wings and stretch them out. You move to the edge and look around. You see a great unknown, a vast landscape of possibility. You know not what you do. Your heart races between those wings as you look back on your nest. You know that this is home and what feels right, yet you must fly. You are being bumped from your nest, ejected if you will. So you can either fall to the ground and spend your days looking out for what stalks you, or you can spread your wings and soar. Your heart will always belong to that place you called home, that one you loved. You know that your heart has been pure and true. You know that the love you felt was real, but all you feel is pain and the sudden shove over the edge. So you spread those wings and inhale – lean forward into the oncoming wind, and you fly. You let go and feel that pounding as you suddenly fall from grace. You hold your breath and close your eyes. Hold your wings rigid and firm. Looking straight ahead at all times. The ground rushes up, the blood moves to your head. Terminal velocity seems inevitable…but then it happens. Something reaches down, or maybe it is the rush of wind coming at you, but suddenly you feel weightless. Free. The pressure and pain subsides and you feel like you are floating. You exhale and take in a breath of new air. Pure air, much like the love you felt. Crisp, refreshing, and full of what you need to live. All you are is in that breath and the wind fluttering beneath your wings. Suddenly you are lifted and soaring high above all the world around you. Overcast skies give way to beaming light, staleness to freshness, gravity to uplifting joy, and turmoil to peace.
Could I have had these same experiences in my marriage? I did. Every day. I loved like there was no tomorrow. Did I make mistakes? You better believe it, but I always honored what we were and I always kept that heart with wings. So take it from one who cannot return to that nest; spread your wings with the one you love. Fly together and fly far.

Windows To My World

It is often said that “the eyes are the windows to our hearts”. I couldn’t have put it better myself. In my wife’s eyes I have always found comfort in looking through those windows. They presented themselves as big, stunning, huge, bay windows, with a view into a beautiful vista full of love, kindness, and compassion. When I have felt the pressure of life tugging at my heels, I have always found comfort in peering through those windows. Inside I could rest assured I'd always find peace, which would always calm my soul and lift me back up. Today I stand outside in a torrential downpour of freezing rain. Those windows are fogged; full of condensation on the inside, building up and ready to drip like a falling tear.
Being outside, looking in, you wonder what now lies beyond those windows. What lies beneath? Beneath the heart that you once knew and cherished. Deeper than that – down deep in her soul and yet deeper in her spirit. I will always wonder if what I thought had been true, or was I always looking through stained glass. Was I always peering through fogged up windows? The optimist in me says “you did good Jim – you honored what you had in the best way that you knew how”. The fighter in me is ever dominant, ever present, and is always willing to fight. The odds matter little, the critics matter less. When you believe in something you fight. When you have given your heart and soul, you fight. You fight with all that you are. You fight until you exhale your last breath. You know that to fight is to give it your all and you know that you have never thrown in the towel during a fight. Now you find yourself wondering if the time has come to do just that.

As you stand firm and weather the storm, you maintain your steadfast focus. Your unwavering ability to see things through. All the while your focus is on the windows to the world you once knew. The world you once loved. Peering through what was once familiar, into a vastly different world. One which you do not know. The pain is so intense that you can feel the blood beating its way through your veins. Every beat of your heart is like the rain beating down on those windows. The pain is incomprehensible, and at times downright unbearable, yet you know not how to walk away.

As the downpour dissipates, and the skies clear, a ray of light breaks through. You think you see more clearly, but then realize it is only you who sees more clearly. All you see now is your own reflection – all else is gone. You stare at those windows for one last look before slowly, reluctantly, turning away. As you begin to walk away, you slowly pull your head forward, releasing the gaze that once peered into the windows that lead to love. You walk away – you live to fight another day.