2014 was a year I
was NOT saddened to see finally pass. It
would prove to be one of the, if not THE, most difficult, challenging, and
trying years of my 41 here on this earth.
It would be financially trying, emotionally devastating, and physically
debilitating, and yet I feel as though I handled all of it with a bit of grace
and some dignity intact at the end. At
the end I’d find peace, resolve, hope, and a friend in a place I’d have never
expected. I’d fall in love (immensely),
fall apart, fall from grace (momentarily) be beaten down (literally and
figuratively) and yet I stand here in a new year, a new space, and with renewed
hope and energy..ready for what this year will throw at me. I’m determined to TAKE my life back and to
live as if there were no tomorrow because quite frankly as my medical situation
has unfolded, and progressed, I’ve realized there honestly may be no tomorrow. There’ve been hidden gems in each of these
situations, lessons to learn, and ultimately a silver lining to what was a
difficult 365 days. At times I’d feel
alone and stranded, others I’d feel surrounded by an army of friends.
In what felt like an
eternity I’d realize once again the brevity of life, learned to appreciate the
moments as opposed to the entirety of any situation, and ultimately learned to
slow down and appreciate all that I DO have.
While I’m not quite to the point where I can say I’m grateful for a
stroke and aneurysm, the appreciation I have for each breath is priceless after
the experiences of the year just past. I’m
grateful for so much more and in ways I never knew possible. A simple kiss on the cheek from my daughter
has the ability to stop this planet (at least in my eyes) on its axis. Hearing her tell me I’m a “good daddy and a
good man” are words that are forever etched on my very soul. I’ll never forget that moment or the
reasoning behind her words..innocent and yet perfect! Seeing my son grow into an AMAZINGLY caring
young man leaves me breathless. He’s
twice the man I could ever be! Bearing
witness to a fire ignited within him to travel this world and help people
leaves me speechless. What a great man
he is becoming.
In this tumultuous 12
months I’d learn to love again, even if not reciprocated, feel again, and find the passion behind the
lens again. In that same span I’d watch
that love die, question it’s honesty and ultimately learn to forgive a violent
transgression into some of the deepest sadness I’ve known. Most of all I’d learn to forgive myself and
let go. The moment I watched the doctors
face as he told me I had a stroke and then his colleague tell me that I have a “sizable
aneurysm” in my carotid artery……well…..never have I felt so utterly empty
inside. To, in a single moment, realize
your mortality was absolutely the biggest turning point in my life thus
far. Within that space I’d find a friend
in a woman I spent most of my life with…for whom I’d learn to trust with all
that I am once again…I’d find kindness in her touch, comfort in her words and a
friend beyond what I could ever imagine.
To this day she’s a friend for whom I can not only rely on but I know I’d
walk through the gates of hell for. The
byproduct of this has been a miraculous journey from broken family, down
trodden and divided…to well a kind of quasi family living apart but looking out
for one another, caring about one another, and acting from love and kindness
rather than bitterness and regret. This,
I tell you, is the best gift I could never have imagined and so if a broken,
horrid relationship brought me to this place, brought my kids this peace, then
I’d gladly turn around and walk through that hell for 9 months once again. I’m honored to call her my friend and I stand
by her side wanting NOTHING but all the best that this life has to offer
her. That’s precisely what caring about someone
should feel like..regardless of me..I want her to be radiant and happy. Shine in all the good that she is, and to be
a stunning and shining example for my kids should this time bomb in my head
take me away.
Finally I’d have
hardware removed after 5 years of torturous pain. Left over from a war with gravity, my foot
wouldn’t quite return to full function with that metal in there. After a simple surgery I’d face massive
infection (3 times) and feel a soul shaking pain through each episode and yet I
stand here now so happy to run pain free, fight like a warrior (in the gym),
and climb again, all relatively pain free.
While my body has taken an enormous beat down this year, my soul has never
been more free. My heart unquestionably
overflows with love and gratitude. I’m
so happy to be here. I often say (to the
dismay and annoyance of many) that “today is the best day of my life”…and in
reality..each day is on day closer to the end and rather than be saddened by
this fact we have the opportunity to look at the silver lining and to realize
each day past is another opportunity to leave our mark, pour our love out on
the world, and to take each day as a building block to a better tomorrow. If that tomorrow doesn’t come than I believe
I will make that crossing into whatever’s out there knowing full well I lived a
good life! I have no misconceptions that
what I’ve faced this last year (and really in years past) has put me ever
closer to that proverbial edge, but I’ve finally found the space within to be
grateful for an AMAZING life filled with phenomenal people, lessons, love, and
kindness. My day will come..as will it
for all of us..but not today…NOT YET! I’ve
got a lot of living to do..a lot of taking my days slowly, and many more dreams
to grab and unwrap in the time I have. I’m
the luckiest man alive for reasons beyond description, and when I lay my head
down I will be able to say that today…today..was indeed the best day EVER! Like a flower reaching for the sun….I’ll keep
reaching for a better tomorrow! Those
standing behind me, in the shadows, supporting me and keeping the momentum
moving….my only hope is to give you back what you give me..and then some!
