03/27/14…it may not be a day that will live in infamy to
everyone, yet it is a day that I’ll never forget as long as I live. My life was, and always has been, so
beautiful and yet in virtually the blink of an eye..in the time it takes for a
blood clot to dislodge and travel into my brain….life changed so eloquently,
violently, and gracelessly. Given other
issues that transpired in the time since, I’ve not been fully able to
appreciate (that’s what I said – “appreciate”) or wrap my mind around (no pun intended)
that fateful event. I would be battling
other demons and too distracted by other events, to even let that night, and my
condition settle into my bones. As time
has passed the weight has slowly begun to sit upon my shoulders. As the clutter from 9 months in hell (the “other”
demon) begin to fade I’m faced with the reality of my situation. Finally seeing other medical professionals
about this condition has given me some clarity and yet I’ve also realized the
gravity of the situation. Initially I’d
travel to Denver for follow up and see a vascular neurosurgeon. This fine doctor specializes in the “vascular”
end of things and not so much on the purely neurological standpoint. I’d leave that visit feeling relieved and
yet down the road after more follow ups I’d realize I’m FAR from out of the
woods and in fact could spend the rest of my days in the woods…if not suffering
through the fog that can accompany such a traumatic brain event. Only recently would I realize that what
likely caused the stroke was a blood clot.
The horrific reality has begun to set in and yet I refuse to take any of
this sitting down. If my fate should be
death by stroke..death by bursting aneurysm..HOPEFULLY death at a ripe old age
(with all capacities fully intact), or death while chasing the dreams I feel so
compelled to get after…well all result in the same end we all face anyway! The challenge now is not only doing all I can
to understand my medical challenges, but to better understand the brevity of
life and the mortality that I’ve all to suddenly realized.
It’s difficult to
look back on that evening and feel that panic arise once again. When I reflect it’s so incredibly difficult
to explain the panic, solitude, and complete helplessness of that moment where
I knew I was having a stroke. To have a
friend there to help me and ultimately rush me to the hospital is something I’ll
FOREVER be grateful for. The moment the
doctor said I had an aneurysm is a moment forever etched in my soul. It’s beyond me to describe that feeling. Hearing those words and rationalizing while
totally alone is incomprehensible even now.
Spending that first sleepless night alone in the hospital felt to me
like what a prisoner on death row might feel as he sits and waits his
fate. I’m still here but the reality of
today is far from what it was prior to that March evening. I wasn’t given a death sentence (per se) in
that moment, as I believe we all begin our march toward our maker on the day we
are born, and yet when you are suddenly faced with that reality in real time,
suddenly and unexpectedly, you become acutely aware of “life” and what it means
to be given this gift. Suddenly and
irrevocably what “matters” changes so quickly.
As the months have
passed and the other drama has fallen away and taken care of itself I’ve
pursued my dreams with a pitched fervor and a sudden urgency to not only chase
the dreams I’ve allowed to sit on the back burner, but to charge headstrong
into battling this demon. It’s unclear
what the best course of action is but I’ve had the time and wherewithal now to
realize two things; I can’t do this alone, and I can’t stop living because I’m
scared out of my mind. I’m not AT ALL
afraid of dying, yet I’m afraid to not take my last breath knowing I lived to
my full potential. Bigger than that is
the fear of leaving my kids without them fully appreciating all that life has
to offer be it through my example, or by encouraging them to chase their own
dreams. I’ve learned so much from this
experience and one of the biggest lessons, and most valuable, is to simply let
go. I can only control so very little in
life. I can ultimately only be
accountable for my time, my actions, and my choices. I’ve also learned to let go of expectations,
let go of anger and resentment, and suddenly (as of late) I’ve felt freer than
I have my entire life. Within the scope
of letting go…suddenly I feel less pain (emotionally and physically) I look
back less and ever find my gaze fixed on the day I have now. Will I live forever? Absolutely not..in fact the odds of some catastrophic
neurological event taking me sooner than later is quite a bit higher than the
average person….but I never wanted to be average anyway. Still…I rest knowing that while I may not
live as long as I’d hoped…I’ll live each day fuller than I ever imagined. My gratitude for the smallest of things is
overwhelming. My ability to forgive
trumps all other traits. My desire to
love is indescribable. As I look forward
to my next appointment I’m grateful for the Mayo Clinic and an organization
built to be the absolute best at providing medical care to those like me. I’m stepping into the big leagues of neuro
science and am thankful for those I’ve not even met yet, those who will help me
along the way. I’m grateful for THIS DAY;
grateful for the resources I have, so grateful for a friend who was there….and
ever grateful for the army of friends and supporters around me. Should God read my blog……I guess I could say “high
five dude” you’ve given me the opportunity to appreciate this life so much more…THANK
YOU. While exposing me to this seemed so
indecent not all that long ago…I hear ya…I get the point…and I’m learning,
loving, and growing from this experience.
I’m so grateful for each breath….and so thankful for all that I do have
because I’m all too aware of how fragile we are. Time is not infinite…and life is
terminal. Words that ring so true as each
stroke of the clock passes..as each breath enters and exits. A stroke, an aneurysm, a blood clot..none are
an absolute death sentence. The death
sentence comes when you stop looking up..stop dreaming..and stop believing in
LIFE.
