Champion

  The fear of public speaking is often referred to as one of the greatest fears of man, second only to death.  Fear can, and often is, a debilitating emotion.  It can either motivate us to extents for which we knew not existed or it can be debilitating and leave us in a figurative crumpled mess on the floor.  Fear is the great equalizer among us all.  Perhaps it is not fear that controls us but the inability to face it unaided.  We all are faced with fears on a daily basis and in all facets of our life.  The fear of failure, the fear of public humiliation, and one of the greatest fears above all else, including death, is the fear of being alone.  Learning to face whatever fears arise in your journey can be particularly rewarding, regardless of outcome, if you simply acknowledge the fact that fear is nothing but a feeling.  It’s our body’s red flag to something before us, which is complex, uncomfortable, and quite often a danger either physically, emotionally, spiritually, or socially.  Fear if left unchecked often keeps us from greater heights as well as greater goodness.  Fear is there to challenge us and to take us somewhere for which we cannot go if we don’t look it in the face and find a way through it, around it, over it, or to abolish it from the situation.  To be the champion of your own fear is to be the champion of your very soul.  Fear so often keeps so many from something far greater just beyond its reach.  It is possible to overcome any fear if you’re willing to become your own champion and reach deep within to face the fears in the deepest recesses of your inner self.

 

  For those willing to sit quietly and simply allow their own fears to surface it can be quite intimidating.  To be still in a space where we are terrified of the outcome, in and of itself, can be completely overwhelming.  Every day we make the choice to face so many obstacles and quite frankly fear is one for which most people would much rather just avoid.  Ultimately we face these demons in absolute solitude.  We can hire a guide to help us face our fear of heights, or the act of barreling down the face of an immense wave, and yet in the moment of truth we are truly alone as we cross the threshold to the other side.  While we can employ the services of a coach to help us learn to speak in front of a crowd, we stand alone in the moment of truth.  With a quiver full of tools for which we’ve acquired throughout our lifetime, we still must stand and face our fears virtually naked and alone.  In the quest to live a great life we must always move forward and never grow stagnant or comfortable.  To push your limits is merely a way to move those “limits”, take a step forward and do it again.  A life void of challenges is no life at all.  We must face our challenges, fears, obstacles, problems, and situations alone!  Regardless of who’s in your corner you are your own champion.  When the bell rings, no on steps into the cage of life except you!

  Quietly you can reach outwardly for support, for a champion, for someone who believes in you, but in the end, and in the heat of the battles you will face it is YOU who will face down the demons that haunt you.  When you realize that the only person who is permanent in your life is the one looking at you in the mirror, you can stop searching outwardly for support….for someone to be your champion…and realize in that very moment that you have all that you need within to allow you to overcome any obstacle you face.  We all want support.  We all want even just that one person who will have your back in the worst of times and yet again as life progresses and we age, we find that as the seasons of life change and we walk on, the one person we can rely on is that same man (or woman) staring at us in the mirror.  No one can fight our battles for us, and quite frankly no one can understand what’s inside us, so we must learn to retreat within our own minds and find the courage to take the next step. 

  As a species I don’t believe we are meant to be alone and yet I believe that until we learn to be alone we cannot truly push the limits that have held us back on so many levels.  Until we learn to retreat deeper within and face the fears that hold us back, until that time, we cannot make the steps forward into the greatness that awaits us.  The most debilitating obstacle we all face is the fear of being alone.  As a society we are so incredibly “social” in nature that there’re no mysteries anymore.   Every corner of the earth seems to have been discovered.  Every mountain has been climbed, and still the greatest journey lies within us and yet most are so afraid to climb deep within and see the majesty that we all possess internally.  We surround ourselves with distractions, people, photos, etc.  Social media has taken the mystery out of anything.  It takes only a matter of minutes to log on and “get to know” someone.  There’re no unexplored arenas when we put ourselves out there to the extent that we are no longer anonymous.  That fear of being unseen, unheard, and alone has created an incredible vortex of information and societal backwash filled with information overload.  That fear of being alone (or anonymous) has crippled our sense of adventure.  The utter fear of solitude has led us to put it all out there on public display hoping that someone will notice us.

  We are all guilty…even me, and yet through the trials of the last couple years in my life I’ve found the greatest strength when I realize I am truly alone!  People come and go, time waits for no one, and the ever-present constant is simply the fact that we are alone.  No one will pick up the sword and charge forward on your behalf.  No matter how close someone is, they cannot get inside and understand the fears you face.  All too often those you’ve let in simply turn and walk away and that’s just how life goes.  It’s one of the greatest gifts in life, to let someone in close, and yet again until you realize you still stand alone you cannot truly appreciate the incredible gift of having that someone so close.   A beautiful metaphor (which I seem to utilize often) is that life is so incredibly similar to the art of pugilism.  It’s a constant dance full of battles, rests, grace, and love!  Yes love!  And yet until we realize that no matter who is in our corner we must do our fighting alone…we cannot truly embrace or appreciate the ability we have to become our own champion!  Until we can take a step back and embrace the silence and overcome the fear of being alone/anonymous….we cannot truly take the steps forward and push our limits to the next level.  Until we stop counting the number of “likes” we have, or the number of “friends” we have…until then we cannot appreciate those who stand closest to us…who stand in our corner and become the champions (in their own right) who will see us off into each obstacle/battle we face.  Until we lift the fog of false pretense that surrounds us daily, we will not see the beauty which still lies not only before us, but deep within us in the quiet spaces devoid of anything but the pure beauty that we all posses. 

  Personally it’s been an awkward journey for me as well.  Something I’m still working on as I retreat back to the foundations I know exists.  As the circle (of friends, companions, supporters, etc.) continues to shrink, by choice, I find that those still standing in my corner are so much more radiant, supportive, and genuine.  There’s an authenticity that exists when you go forth to face all of your fears with the subtle support of your inner circle and yet with the most profound knowledge that in the end…you stand alone to face your demons!  So be your own champion and whatever challenges you face don’t muddy the waters with distractions.  Don’t expect others to numb the pain.  Fear not what lies before you and trust deeply in the abilities, strength, and fortitude that lies within you!  Fear is nothing but a feeling and like all feelings it too shall pass!  So stand up and face it head on like the champion you are!

Against The Grain

  I can see it clear as a blue-sky day all of these years later.  I can hear the whine and rip of the table saw tearing through a piece of lumber.  I can still see his faded, ragged, and torn red flannel.  More than anything I can see the indiscreet smile on his face.  I can hear the muffled sounds of Credence Clearwater Revival wheezing from the old 1980’s battery operated boom box with an old wire hanger where the antenna used to be.  His old cassette tape sounding worn and tired.  I can hear the sound of the heater buzzing in the corner on a cold Texas winter night.  As I stepped into that two-car garage I could barely stand the smell permeating the entire space.  The oil based lacquer, the polyurethane finish.   I still remember 20+ years later the man standing there covered in sawdust, lost in a virtual snowstorm of wooden dust.

  Countless times I ventured into that garage to grab my skateboard, my surfboard, or just pass through to the friends waiting in the driveway.  I don’t remember a time that he didn’t stop me and try to grab a moment of my attention.  His teenage son.  Too preoccupied to realize how incredibly valuable those mere moments would be half a lifetime later.  I rarely took the time to listen, much less spend a few hours with him learning a craft that has become so lost in the generations to follow.  Watching dad toil his time away seemed so senseless and boring.  Dad would spend hours in his garage alone.  No son(s) to pass his craft onto.  The young bravado and arrogance was far too imposing for me to allow a few hours doing something as monotonous and boring as woodwork.  Behind my rolling eyes as I ignored his requests for help, time together, or simply a quick conversation lay an attitude for which I still cannot wrap my mind around.  How could dad spend so long picking through lumber, looking at the grain, smelling the wood, and sighting along its axis?  My ignorance was only superseded by my arrogance.  Who had time to hang out with their “old man” in his garage doing stupid woodworking projects that were so useless?

  The irony isn’t lost on me today.  I’m about the age dad was when many of these memories were formed.  I remember his hair was the color that mine is today.  Brown giving way and surrendering to the gray that will take us into the second half of this life.  Not all that long ago, out of nowhere, a blind ambition surfaced to build something with my hands.  Not from metal, as I spent a long time working with metal, fabricating, and welding, but with something that grew from our earth, was part of the mountains and trees I’ve come to love in a life spent in the wild and high places across this globe.  I wanted to pick up something beautiful and turn it into something useful.  I wanted to pick up a piece of wood and make it into something worth remembering.  Suddenly I was interested in the character of a piece of lumber.  The smell of a freshly sanded, milled, planed, or jointed piece of wood simply fills my olfactory senses.  The character in the grains can captivate my attention for what seems like hours.  My spare time and what little money I have seems to go to acquiring the tools I so blatantly ignored him trying to educate me on.  I find myself in the garage picking endlessly through repurposed lumber, looking for the best piece.  I search woodworking magazines for tips.  If my friends and colleagues viewed my YouTube history they’d probably get a good laugh from the playlist(s).

  Dad learned the craft from his dad and he tried desperately to pass the baton and show me a thing or two and yet I was too caught up in the life I thought was endless.  Only after a series of strokes, damage to my head that very well could be irreparable, do I look back with eyes full of tears wishing I could have one of those moments back.  I find as my own life crosses the threshold to “midlife”, and I face the medical challenges I never saw coming, that I don’t really regret much.  I’ve had an amazing life full of adventures from the Himalayas, the mountains of Alaska, and the beaches of Hawaii and California.  And yet what I long for most are those simple moments with the ones I love.  The missed opportunities.  The times wasted chasing the things I’d only come to find later in life really meant so little in the end.

  All these years later I’d find solace and comfort in the very place I passed by and left him standing there alone all those years ago.  If just I could be the friend in the driveway…grab that young me and slap the ever loving shit out of him and tell him to get back in there and take the time, invest the time, and take the torch and run with it.  What I’d give for an hour in that garage.  I find myself doing projects now in the medium he has loved for most of his life, craving his help, his advice, his simple tricks and most of all….the priceless gift of the time spent with the man I’ve come to admire, look up to, and for whom I try every day to live up to.  Little did I know back then that the short moments, the tiniest bit of time, could shape so much and would become an irreplaceable commodity somewhere down the line.  How could I ever know that I’d find myself all but begging my own kids (at the ages I was back then) to lend me a hand (that I don’t technically need) on the next wood project, to help hold a board as I cut simply hoping I could steal a moment of their time.  To sit with me and sand an old board into something beautiful. 

  Dad is still here and yet I rarely spend the time he deserves with him.  He’s a thousand miles away now.  One of the hardest decisions I ever made (or will) was to move my family to a better life high in the Colorado Rockies and to this day he’s my biggest supporter of the struggle, the decision, and he lives vicariously through my adventures.  Little does he know I push myself on these adventures because I know he lives a little each day through the photos, videos, and stories I write about, share with him, etc.  I hope one day he realizes he fuels my drive and keeps me going when most of the world would understand if I hung up my hat and simply sat on the porch and enjoyed the days I’m left with.  I hope he knows how important the few possessions I have that were crafted by his hand are to me.  The few projects where I took the time out to help him with are now things for which I cannot imagine NOT having in my home.  Should my house catch fire, and knowing my kids were safe, I’d run back into this blazing home simply to retrieve those “things” because to me they are more important than any other “thing” within these walls.  I’d risk it all to save those things where I know we shared the time, where I know he coached me through the cuts, our hands together formed the worthless planks into something that would come to mean so much.  I can only imagine the comical look on the faces of the bystanders as some crazy lunatic ran back into his house for a TV stand his dad made during his senior year in high school, the bookcase they made together, or the candle holder they made together from a piece of Aspen during one of dads visits shortly after we moved here.  Those simple little things are beyond monetary value and are simply and without question priceless to me.  They represent the moments where I took the time to invest in the time that would soon fade away.  Time with a man I’d come to appreciate beyond words half a lifetime later.  These moments I now spend alone in a garage looking at the grain, hoping that my son and daughter will someday see the value in time and stop for a moment and NOT run against the grain.  I love you pops!  I’d give it all back to have an hour in the garage with you!

The Unforgiven

  I’ve had two conversations this very day that have really rattled my cage.  Nothing in particular that anyone has said, in fact these are two people in my life whom I value tremendously, just reoccurring themes presented.  The last few years have been just about the hardest I could have ever imagined.  We all go through hell but quite frankly I have no qualms about saying the time period in question for me is quite exceptional.   I don’t for one minute believe there aren’t many out there who’ve had it far worse…and maybe even didn’t make it through to the other side, but for me I was given a wakeup call (via an aneurysm and strokes) right in the middle of my migration from the absolute hell I endured at the hands of another (2 actually).  I also don’t intend to deflect blame from my own wrong doings, missteps, or mistakes.  I know all too well my faults.  Through the sh$$ storms I speak of I was inept at the ability to simply draw a line in the sand and keep myself, my heart, my soul and most of all my kids safe.  I allowed two people to step into my life and absolutely, relentlessly, maliciously, and willingly turn all I knew upside down.  I own that and I own that there were/are lessons to learn from it.  I’ve spent countless hours doing something over these years that I’ve been petrified of…going to see a counselor.  He’s also my friend so it made it way easier.  In that time I’ve learned more than I could ever articulate sufficiently.  He’s an amazing friend, counselor, supporter, and human being.  I’ve also dug deeper within myself than I ever thought possible.  I’ve not only stood back up but I’ve learned that standing back up is mandatory but learning form the knock down is optional.  I don’t know any other way but to get back up and keep going.  What’s new is looking at where I’m going and choosing a path less prone to the knock down.  I’ve learned to establish boundaries.  With my kids, friends and yes finally in relationships.  I’ve always been a fighter.  Straight up brawler and more than anything my ability to take an ass kicking is evident in the scars I wear.  But that kind of fighting never really transfers to relationships.  When it comes to that point (physical fighting) there are no boundaries, it’s survive, beat or be beaten.  I’ve lived so deeply in that place for most of my life that there was just one giant gray area.  I didn’t know when or where to take the gloves off and yet in my relationships I’d go into passive mode..defensive.  Mainly because I was raised to not be aggressive towards a woman, NEVER EVER raise a hand, much less my voice at a woman and so when I inevitably found myself in a couple of relationships where I was passive to a fault I let things happen that weren’t okay. 

  So I’ve learned to use my voice.  To speak up without the need to yell.  To say “this is where I am, who I am, and what I can and cannot live with”.  Without angst, hate, or ill will.  I am simply me and you are you.  Let’s go a few rounds (pun intended) and see how this works.  With the help of Craig I’ve learned to look at “me”.  To be okay with tough feelings and to know that when the sh$$ storm hits (because they always will in one way or another) you can sit quietly, acknowledge the pain and simply hold onto the love for yourself and suddenly the storm will pass and you’ll be okay.  Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll be even better than before.  I’m proud of this accomplishment and it’s serving me well in every facet and relationship of life.  I am me and I am okay not only with who I am but of where I’ve been.  I’m okay that I’ve F’d up and I’m okay that I’m not perfect.  The past has brought me here and I wouldn’t be here without it.  My stroke(s) and living with a massive aneurysm have given me the gift of “don’t give two sh$$s”.  What used to matter and hurt seems so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  What I thought so important doesn’t hold the same weight anymore.  Simply learning to live a life worth remembering is what matters now.  I still don’t trust the way I used to and that’s okay.  It’s a byproduct of getting beaten down.  A great lesson to learn.  Trust is sacred and for me it’s tough to earn mine.  When you’ve got it..you’ve got a friend in me for life.  I won’t only give you the shirt off my back, you’ll have shelter, food and a staunch defender!  Violate that trust, or worse, willingly and with wonton abandon hurt me (or worse..my kids) and I promise you one thing, you will not earn that trust ever again. 

  I’ve been accused again and again of being to forgiving.  Of allowing myself to be a doormat.  Of not knowing when to draw the line in the sand.  I own that.  It’s true through and through.  I’ve put too much value on “relationships” even when they clearly are detrimental to my wellbeing.  On forgiving????  I’m calling BS on the multitude of quotes, sayings, beliefs, etc on “forgiving” and how it’s so necessary.  Forgiving my children and myself will always be a fact of survival and healthy living.  Forgiving someone who hurts you..humiliates you and willingly destroys your integrity, reputation, and maybe even wounds you to your soul????  Calling BULLSHIT on that one.  I don’t need to forgive someone who hurts my children or who willingly cheats, lies, and then tries to blame and cover their nastiness.  Nope…I don’t need to forgive you to be free.  That’s between you and your God.  I don’t need to forgive you to set myself free.  My freedom lies in the fact that I know I’m not perfect and yet I treated you with dignity and respect.  Time and again I walked the line.   I admitted my faults and tried daily to be a better man.  When you cross another to the extent I’ve mentioned, you need to learn that not all forgiveness is attainable.  You repeat these “mistakes” and the cycle continues because you believe in forgiveness and that eventually the ones you hurt will “have” to forgive you.  Better to seek forgiveness than permission??!!  Not so.  The ignorant behavior deserves the outright indignation you receive.  Furthermore when your history shows a pattern of just such behavior, you should not be surprised when you finally come to a place where someone can stand tall and NOT forgive you.  I don’t have to wish you ill will or have complete disdain for you.  I don’t need to pity you.  I don’t need to feel anything for you.  Your choices have been yours.  Own it..you carry that load, not me.  My freedom lies in learning to see the type of person you are and for not allowing myself to ignore the warning signs again.  Sometimes “I’m sorry” is just a baseless robotic plea for forgiveness you do not deserve.  I don’t need to forgive one who willingly does these things again and again.  You can pack your pity bag and move yourself far away from me, my family, and those I love.  Do not foolishly believe that I will forget.  There are things that time will not erase.  My freedom lies in knowing that I cannot be like you and I have learned through help, time, self-reflection, and a group of people standing by my side that I am in fact ok.  I DO NOT need your approval or quite frankly anyone’s.  I am me..and I’m okay with that.  So pack that bag, throw it over your shoulder, turn around and walk right the F back where you came from and don’t for one minute think I have the capacity to forgive everyone.  Forgiveness like trust is earned…and I reserve the right to refuse that gift to anyone I so choose.

  I’m grateful for all those who’ve helped me get here and who remind me daily that I’m worth more than “that”.  Each day is a gift and within that day we are given so many more gifts than we realize.  Yet we are also given lessons to shape us and sometimes it’s painful and we feel we are being chiseled into something we don’t understand.  In the end it matters only what love you put out there in the world.  That love isn’t always for everyone.  It’s okay to not forgive.  Holding onto anger doesn’t burn the one holding it…sometimes it keeps a fire lit within to keep the same types from getting too close.  Anger is okay in appropriate doses, at appropriate times, and directed in the appropriate direction(s).  Contrary to popular belief…not all around you deserve rainbows and unicorns.  Love all you can, forgive where you can, and know its okay to NOT do so!  Leave that to the offender and their God.  Sometimes forgiveness affirms acceptability in the ways people hurt others. Be fearless in chasing your dreams and more so in defending yourself from those who spill their misery at your feet.  Be strong in who you are and above all else be okay with the feelings inside and “who” you are.  Stand fast in your beliefs and know that the sun will rise and time waits for no one.  Live your life on your terms.  

Dark Train

This time it came on slowly at first.  I could feel the sensations as this freight train approached in the night.  I could feel the rattle in my bones and the aching in my brain.  I could feel my senses dulled and my perception slowed.  I tried carrying on like all was well and yet all the while I knew this train was coming full bore in the darkness bringing with it the agony I feared most.  The darkness was slow at first but as time passed and the train kept coming full steam ahead…..I felt my senses succumb and my reality became simply holding on.  Feeling groundless, weightless, dizzy, disoriented and ultimately lost in that space…it’s the most profound and terrifying thing I’ve ever felt.  That feeling that “it” is coming and there’s very little you can do but stand firm, stand strong, and hold on because this trains’ a comin’ and you can’t outrun it.  As that dark horse approaches the disoriented feeling deepens and yet deeper within you find you can maintain composure.  Your cognitive abilities begin to crumple; your speech begins to fade into an indiscernible babble.  I could feel my right hand begin to lose dexterity and suddenly it felt as though it was difficult to swallow.  This train was coming full on..throttle to the floor.  I was ready this time, I knew the destination..and I had its number.  I’d stand my ground and hold on, not cowering in ignorance or the unknown.

  The months prior I’d seen the after affects of my first stroke come and go many times and yet mostly fade in their significance and severity.  I kept much of the lingering affects to myself as to not alarm every single person around me.  I’d learned to let go in the almost year since my first episode.  Let go of the thought that I could control this and quite possibly accepting the fact that I may never understand it.  It is/was just a part of my journey.  I stopped fearing the memory issues, stopped being saddened by the speech issues and actually learned to laugh at myself.  As the darkness of the first stroke lifted I was given a beautiful gift.  REFLECTION!  I found myself looking back only in a sense of appreciation and wonderment.  I took stock of the life I have lived thus far and each day I wholeheartedly embraced what my life was and appreciated the lessons, people, and moments that have gotten me this far.  For the first time in my life I can honestly say I’m “alive” and so happy to just breathe.  The monetary BS and struggles, relationships lost, pain handed spitefully, the anger I felt at the difficulties I’d faced…all gone!  The simple ability to breathe and not have that cold dark shadow engulfing my brain…these moments have become the tonic of my life!  A sweet and intoxicating elixer.  Although I’d suffer the after affects all the way to this present day, I’d not sit and wallow in the absolutely paralyzing fear that seemed to consume those closest to me who knew the severity of what I had faced.  Instead I’d try and repel that darkness with a little light.  Low and behold..my outlook would change.  The fear is still there and yet it is NOT absolute and all encompassing.  I’m grateful for each day..each friend..each moment..each laugh..every tear..and every breath.  Without the pain and sorrow I’d not know the sweetness of life itself.

 

  I’ve dwelled in this space the last year and it is in this space that I found myself only a few nights ago when the train came bearing down once again.  I knew the moment I felt disoriented and forgot once again where it was I was driving to (home after work) and had to pull over (Monday).  I’ve answered countless emails, phone calls, text and questions since then.  So many urging me to “just get back to the hospital” and the concern, love, and feeling of being wrapped in so much love is so appreciated, and yet I cannot explain to many my choices to continue living life at full throttle.  Knowing there’s a dark train bearing down the tracks coming (possibly) for you any day….to roll the windows down, feel the wind and step on life’s throttle and chase my dreams with an even greater urgency and desire..well it’s just lost on so many.  How can I be irresponsible and still climb?  “How can I even think about skydiving, wingsuit flying, surfing, running until I feel I’m going to puke…how?”  Quite simply – HOW CAN I NOT?  To embrace this demon and to run with it, one step ahead, maybe side by side, maybe even as I’m enveloped in the darkness, is nothing short of pure adrenaline and a feeling of living like I can’t explain.  I’m taking the steps to understand this, hopefully even fix it, by making appointments with the right surgeons, neurologists, and specialists, but I’ll be damned if I sit in the back seat of my own life and watch as my days slowly fade.  I’ve got the pedal to the floor and I won’t let up anytime soon.  I’m not racing the inevitable, I’m not running from the truth, I’m living my life on full throttle and I won’t stop and lay across the tracks and give in.  This last go around I made sure there were trusted souls nearby, on call, and yes I was scared.  I had a great soul sitting next to me making sure I was breathing.  I fulfilled a promise I made last time, I called and text my kids to tell them I loved them and I reached out through that darkness to an unlikely hand reaching back through the fog..my ex-wife who’s once again become my friend.  I let the tears flow as I told her I was scared.  I squeezed the hand holding mine, gently rubbing my head.  I wasn’t alone in that moment!  For that I am once again grateful.  To understand what it is to have a stroke (TIA) and to KNOW in your heart of hearts that you could cross to the other side at any moment, these are terrifying realizations that I wish upon no one, and yet I embrace this life, the cards I’ve been dealt and I will keep my foot down, the pedal to the floor, and I will appreciate each day all the more!  I’ll feel my way through this darkness and I’ll find the light wherever it may be!  I’ll wake from this dream each chance I get, charged ever more for all I can glean from this wonderful life.   I’ll follow my heart and retreat there as the dark train comes.  I find strength in those around me and I’m grateful for every second of every day.  Some people go their entire lives (some very long ones) and they never have that chance.  So bring on the challenges!  I DO understand what I face, the medical condition I have, and my eyes are wide open, face to the wind, soaking it all in.  For the first time in my life I dance like I don’t give two sh*&s who’s watching because I don’t.  It’s my life, every bit of it, and I’ll live it my way!

 

Looking Up

03/27/14…it may not be a day that will live in infamy to everyone, yet it is a day that I’ll never forget as long as I live.  My life was, and always has been, so beautiful and yet in virtually the blink of an eye..in the time it takes for a blood clot to dislodge and travel into my brain….life changed so eloquently, violently, and gracelessly.  Given other issues that transpired in the time since, I’ve not been fully able to appreciate (that’s what I said – “appreciate”) or wrap my mind around (no pun intended) that fateful event.  I would be battling other demons and too distracted by other events, to even let that night, and my condition settle into my bones.  As time has passed the weight has slowly begun to sit upon my shoulders.  As the clutter from 9 months in hell (the “other” demon) begin to fade I’m faced with the reality of my situation.  Finally seeing other medical professionals about this condition has given me some clarity and yet I’ve also realized the gravity of the situation.  Initially I’d travel to Denver for follow up and see a vascular neurosurgeon.  This fine doctor specializes in the “vascular” end of things and not so much on the purely neurological standpoint.   I’d leave that visit feeling relieved and yet down the road after more follow ups I’d realize I’m FAR from out of the woods and in fact could spend the rest of my days in the woods…if not suffering through the fog that can accompany such a traumatic brain event.  Only recently would I realize that what likely caused the stroke was a blood clot.  The horrific reality has begun to set in and yet I refuse to take any of this sitting down.  If my fate should be death by stroke..death by bursting aneurysm..HOPEFULLY death at a ripe old age (with all capacities fully intact), or death while chasing the dreams I feel so compelled to get after…well all result in the same end we all face anyway!  The challenge now is not only doing all I can to understand my medical challenges, but to better understand the brevity of life and the mortality that I’ve all to suddenly realized. 

  It’s difficult to look back on that evening and feel that panic arise once again.  When I reflect it’s so incredibly difficult to explain the panic, solitude, and complete helplessness of that moment where I knew I was having a stroke.  To have a friend there to help me and ultimately rush me to the hospital is something I’ll FOREVER be grateful for.  The moment the doctor said I had an aneurysm is a moment forever etched in my soul.  It’s beyond me to describe that feeling.  Hearing those words and rationalizing while totally alone is incomprehensible even now.  Spending that first sleepless night alone in the hospital felt to me like what a prisoner on death row might feel as he sits and waits his fate.  I’m still here but the reality of today is far from what it was prior to that March evening.  I wasn’t given a death sentence (per se) in that moment, as I believe we all begin our march toward our maker on the day we are born, and yet when you are suddenly faced with that reality in real time, suddenly and unexpectedly, you become acutely aware of “life” and what it means to be given this gift.  Suddenly and irrevocably what “matters” changes so quickly. 

  As the months have passed and the other drama has fallen away and taken care of itself I’ve pursued my dreams with a pitched fervor and a sudden urgency to not only chase the dreams I’ve allowed to sit on the back burner, but to charge headstrong into battling this demon.  It’s unclear what the best course of action is but I’ve had the time and wherewithal now to realize two things; I can’t do this alone, and I can’t stop living because I’m scared out of my mind.  I’m not AT ALL afraid of dying, yet I’m afraid to not take my last breath knowing I lived to my full potential.  Bigger than that is the fear of leaving my kids without them fully appreciating all that life has to offer be it through my example, or by encouraging them to chase their own dreams.  I’ve learned so much from this experience and one of the biggest lessons, and most valuable, is to simply let go.  I can only control so very little in life.  I can ultimately only be accountable for my time, my actions, and my choices.  I’ve also learned to let go of expectations, let go of anger and resentment, and suddenly (as of late) I’ve felt freer than I have my entire life.  Within the scope of letting go…suddenly I feel less pain (emotionally and physically) I look back less and ever find my gaze fixed on the day I have now.  Will I live forever?  Absolutely not..in fact the odds of some catastrophic neurological event taking me sooner than later is quite a bit higher than the average person….but I never wanted to be average anyway.  Still…I rest knowing that while I may not live as long as I’d hoped…I’ll live each day fuller than I ever imagined.  My gratitude for the smallest of things is overwhelming.  My ability to forgive trumps all other traits.  My desire to love is indescribable.  As I look forward to my next appointment I’m grateful for the Mayo Clinic and an organization built to be the absolute best at providing medical care to those like me.  I’m stepping into the big leagues of neuro science and am thankful for those I’ve not even met yet, those who will help me along the way.  I’m grateful for THIS DAY; grateful for the resources I have, so grateful for a friend who was there….and ever grateful for the army of friends and supporters around me.  Should God read my blog……I guess I could say “high five dude” you’ve given me the opportunity to appreciate this life so much more…THANK YOU.  While exposing me to this seemed so indecent not all that long ago…I hear ya…I get the point…and I’m learning, loving, and growing from this experience.  I’m so grateful for each breath….and so thankful for all that I do have because I’m all too aware of how fragile we are.  Time is not infinite…and life is terminal.  Words that ring so true as each stroke of the clock passes..as each breath enters and exits.  A stroke, an aneurysm, a blood clot..none are an absolute death sentence.  The death sentence comes when you stop looking up..stop dreaming..and stop believing in LIFE.

Silver Lining

  2014 was a year I was NOT saddened to see finally pass.  It would prove to be one of the, if not THE, most difficult, challenging, and trying years of my 41 here on this earth.  It would be financially trying, emotionally devastating, and physically debilitating, and yet I feel as though I handled all of it with a bit of grace and some dignity intact at the end.  At the end I’d find peace, resolve, hope, and a friend in a place I’d have never expected.  I’d fall in love (immensely), fall apart, fall from grace (momentarily) be beaten down (literally and figuratively) and yet I stand here in a new year, a new space, and with renewed hope and energy..ready for what this year will throw at me.  I’m determined to TAKE my life back and to live as if there were no tomorrow because quite frankly as my medical situation has unfolded, and progressed, I’ve realized there honestly may be no tomorrow.  There’ve been hidden gems in each of these situations, lessons to learn, and ultimately a silver lining to what was a difficult 365 days.  At times I’d feel alone and stranded, others I’d feel surrounded by an army of friends.

 

  In what felt like an eternity I’d realize once again the brevity of life, learned to appreciate the moments as opposed to the entirety of any situation, and ultimately learned to slow down and appreciate all that I DO have.  While I’m not quite to the point where I can say I’m grateful for a stroke and aneurysm, the appreciation I have for each breath is priceless after the experiences of the year just past.  I’m grateful for so much more and in ways I never knew possible.  A simple kiss on the cheek from my daughter has the ability to stop this planet (at least in my eyes) on its axis.  Hearing her tell me I’m a “good daddy and a good man” are words that are forever etched on my very soul.  I’ll never forget that moment or the reasoning behind her words..innocent and yet perfect!  Seeing my son grow into an AMAZINGLY caring young man leaves me breathless.  He’s twice the man I could ever be!  Bearing witness to a fire ignited within him to travel this world and help people leaves me speechless.  What a great man he is becoming.

 

  In this tumultuous 12 months I’d learn to love again, even if not reciprocated,  feel again, and find the passion behind the lens again.  In that same span I’d watch that love die, question it’s honesty and ultimately learn to forgive a violent transgression into some of the deepest sadness I’ve known.  Most of all I’d learn to forgive myself and let go.  The moment I watched the doctors face as he told me I had a stroke and then his colleague tell me that I have a “sizable aneurysm” in my carotid artery……well…..never have I felt so utterly empty inside.  To, in a single moment, realize your mortality was absolutely the biggest turning point in my life thus far.  Within that space I’d find a friend in a woman I spent most of my life with…for whom I’d learn to trust with all that I am once again…I’d find kindness in her touch, comfort in her words and a friend beyond what I could ever imagine.  To this day she’s a friend for whom I can not only rely on but I know I’d walk through the gates of hell for.  The byproduct of this has been a miraculous journey from broken family, down trodden and divided…to well a kind of quasi family living apart but looking out for one another, caring about one another, and acting from love and kindness rather than bitterness and regret.  This, I tell you, is the best gift I could never have imagined and so if a broken, horrid relationship brought me to this place, brought my kids this peace, then I’d gladly turn around and walk through that hell for 9 months once again.  I’m honored to call her my friend and I stand by her side wanting NOTHING but all the best that this life has to offer her.  That’s precisely what caring about someone should feel like..regardless of me..I want her to be radiant and happy.  Shine in all the good that she is, and to be a stunning and shining example for my kids should this time bomb in my head take me away.

 

  Finally I’d have hardware removed after 5 years of torturous pain.  Left over from a war with gravity, my foot wouldn’t quite return to full function with that metal in there.  After a simple surgery I’d face massive infection (3 times) and feel a soul shaking pain through each episode and yet I stand here now so happy to run pain free, fight like a warrior (in the gym), and climb again, all relatively pain free.  While my body has taken an enormous beat down this year, my soul has never been more free.  My heart unquestionably overflows with love and gratitude.  I’m so happy to be here.  I often say (to the dismay and annoyance of many) that “today is the best day of my life”…and in reality..each day is on day closer to the end and rather than be saddened by this fact we have the opportunity to look at the silver lining and to realize each day past is another opportunity to leave our mark, pour our love out on the world, and to take each day as a building block to a better tomorrow.  If that tomorrow doesn’t come than I believe I will make that crossing into whatever’s out there knowing full well I lived a good life!  I have no misconceptions that what I’ve faced this last year (and really in years past) has put me ever closer to that proverbial edge, but I’ve finally found the space within to be grateful for an AMAZING life filled with phenomenal people, lessons, love, and kindness.  My day will come..as will it for all of us..but not today…NOT YET!  I’ve got a lot of living to do..a lot of taking my days slowly, and many more dreams to grab and unwrap in the time I have.  I’m the luckiest man alive for reasons beyond description, and when I lay my head down I will be able to say that today…today..was indeed the best day EVER!  Like a flower reaching for the sun….I’ll keep reaching for a better tomorrow!  Those standing behind me, in the shadows, supporting me and keeping the momentum moving….my only hope is to give you back what you give me..and then some!