In The Shadow of Kings

Kingfisher Tower, Fisher Towers:  Moab, Utah

It was so long ago (12 years) that we set out from our homes, destined to make it in one long haul from Texas to Utah.  Three of us (Marcus, Ryan, and myself) determined to gracelessly dance with gravity to the summit of a desert tower, and ultimately to bond as brothers on yet another half witted, shotgun road trip into our destiny.  We’d spend that Thanksgiving weekend fulfilling yet another of our dreams (or trying), confronting our own demons, and finally escaping the world around us if only for what seems like a moment in this life.  We’d make it three pitches (600+ feet) before a freak storm shut us down.  It was a memorable journey and one which still plays so vividly in the reels that play out quietly in my mind on sleepless nights.  Of late I’ve faced so many obstacles and indescribable reckoning.  I’ve seen my life flash before my eyes and I’ve poured myself out and broken barriers like never before.  I’m truly blessed to have memories such as this one emanating from my soul.  Friend’s faces glimmering in the shadows of so many summits, countless climbs, and memorable adventures.  While traversing the last few years of my life I’ve seen a slow comeback to the place where I belong, among my fellow climbers, chasing the dreams we share in our vertical empire.  Many climbs, such as this particular climb, become metaphors for so much more in our lives.  In this case it was a failed attempt to summit the Kingfisher via the Colorado Northeast Ridge (Fisher Towers, Utah)on a cold and blustery November day.  The lessons, like the climb, resonate so deeply to this day.  We were three against seemingly insurmountable odds.  There was synergy amongst us and together we’d mount our attack.  We’d face our fears, struggle through the pain, laugh in the face of sheer terror, and ultimately lean in and support one another (literally) as the storm unleashed it’s fury as we sat helplessly on that mud packed ledge.  We’d retreat in freezing temperatures, and touch back down with utter joy, elated at the feeling of tera firma below our soles/souls.  Like any epic adventure we’d relish in the memories for years to come.  As climbers, or Conquistadors of the Useless ( a famous quote from famed climber Lionel Terray) we’d alternately be haunted by the failure, and yet elated by the everlasting memories from the journey.  Such is the life of one who chases their passion to all corners of the earth.  The metaphors in climbing are never lost on the souls who chase that dream.

 

  Years have passed and similar adventures, epics, failures, successes, and blundering quests have also passed through my life.  I’ve lost many fellow conquistadors in the time that has passed, some lost in their battle with gravity, others in a myriad of other ways, and yet all tie together in my mind to the world we pursue, the quests we dream, and the passion we share.  All of these lost souls are kings in my mind.  True life warriors who chased their passion(s) at all costs, some of whom were lost in that pursuit, others who were lost in natural ways, but all kings, and we are merely left standing in their shadows as the three of us stood in the shadows of the Kingfisher so many years ago.  I think of them often, and all of the friends I’ve lost, and I question whether I took the time in the end to thank them for sharing their journey with me.  Death in climbing (or otherwise) sends us like a bolt of lightning to a place where we take inventory of all we have, and the inherent risk(s) in our passionate pursuit(s).  I look gently back at the last month of my life and the sudden realization that I’m abruptly faced with, and have to live with; the ever present realization of my own imminent mortality.  For now I’m “stable” (as most would call “okay”) as I wait for imaging, more diagnosis, second and even third opinions, cardiology work ups, more appointments, more assessments, etc, etc, etc.  And yet I see these journeys, these adventures, the friends lost as well as those still here, and in spite of all the ongoing fear and uncertainty, I can’t help but want to pick up the pace and chase my dreams, slay my demons, and simply LIVE just a little more each day. 

 

  I cherish the times struggling up these desert towers, the sound of nothing but my breath and crampons crunching the snow on some alpine peak, or the sound of my breath as I pace myself on another run.  I long to feel the safety of home, and yet my nomadic soul pushes me out the door yet again.  The pain of the past, the pain of loneliness in the heart, the loss of relationships and the struggles in society; they all pale in comparison to the light I feel in the quest to live a full life, a good life, a life worth remembering.  I see their faces, these kings, and I hear their laughter.  Knowing…ACTUALLY KNOWING…I am closer to my end than most, has been a true gift.  Nothing is the same anymore.  I value so many of the little overlooked sensations and experiences that I once didn’t even notice, or only noticed in passing.  I know as things fall apart in life, I can always find my way back into the shadows of the kings.  I can find solace in the band of conquistadors milling about in the desert environs, breathing in perfect cadence up some alpine route…I know I have a home here, and this weekend I will once again stand before the Kingfisher, bathed in the light and simultaneously comforted in his shadow.  I will stand at the base of this giant once again, nerves firing, fear rising, soul shaking, and I will tie into my partner and move forward..upward..and into that world where it all disappears.  I know all these years later that to summit, to be successful in the laymen’s sense, is nothing compared to actually standing before such a giant, summoning the love of the Kings, and doing it anyway.  Summit or not…we will climb.  Success is in the trying.  In facing the inevitable and doing it anyway.  Should I find myself standing on his shoulders, I shall thank that King for allowing my passage…and in that moment I will let go of the gravity pulling at my heels in these trying times.  I will face the sun and smile….for I will have made it another day!  Here’s to the Kings in all our lives.  May their shadows ever cover us in peace.

Unclaimed Baggage

  The space between life and our end is mercurial, unknown, and ultimately that time, and what we fill it with, is left to each of us.  Until we are faced with, truly faced with, our demise it seems we don’t really take the time to stop and look at the space in between with a sense of urgency and drive.  Why is it that when someone passes we have a “celebration of life”?  Why do we look “back” and feel sadness at the “should have’s, could have’s, and didn’t”?  Shouldn’t we be having gatherings with friends, family, and loved one’s more often?  Shouldn’t we be having a celebration of life each day as our feet hit the floor in the morning?  When’s the last time you woke up elated just to have a day before you?  How about taking that trip you’ve talked about incessantly for so long?  Why as a society do we tend to put our lives on cruise control and just sit back and wait?  Shouldn’t we be looking forward instead?  Realizing that the clock is ticking and we don’t have a whole lot of time to chase our dreams? 

  We all carry our baggage in different ways.  Some of us carry more than others.  Sharing the weight with another soul certainly makes the effort less burdensome, but unloading the baggage, leaving it behind, and simply carrying less, makes a whole hell of a lot more sense to me.  We can’t ditch all of our past and the pain, but we can certainly try and lighten the load.  In doing so, we can then focus more on living the life we envision.  Instead of “dreaming” of doing…we have a lighter load and more freedom (internally) to devote our hearts and minds to DOING.  Doing now, and not putting our dreams on the back burner.  Why, in a world where we’ve sent men to the moon, do we find it so hard to believe that we can achieve our wildest dreams?  Want to run a marathon?  Run it!!!!  Have you dreamed of climbing in the Himalaya?  Go climb!  Paddling distant rivers?  Follow the flow!  To see the brevity and simplicity in life I believe you can serve that task best by letting some of that baggage go, and finding your way to  a foreign country, maybe even a third world country.  The worries of our first world lives don’t seem to find their way into the lives of those who (to us) seem to live a much “poorer” life.  One of the greatest gifts of my years travelling and working in India has been the gift of simplicity.  Spending a month there each year amongst the people of Leh, at the foot of the Himalayas, has been the single most grounding experience each time I set foot in that magical land.  The lack of all the excessiveness we have here, the appreciation of such simple things as running water, a flushing toilet, electricity..it’s hard to come home in anyway but CHANGED.  It’s given me the experience, space, and time to reflect and look at my life and how privileged we are to live in such a great country, and yet how underprivileged we are because we expect so much and we see so narrowly.  We carry far too much baggage!  To wander the Himalayan countryside 366 days ago (to the day) on a rented British motorcycle was absolutely one of the greatest birthday gifts I could ever receive.  I knew on that day that I’d never be the same.  I simply had the time to reflect and be so far from civilization that I was able to release much of the baggage I had held onto.  That one magical day, mystical journey, and beautiful experience allowed me to simply let go of so much.  My life would change tremendously in the coming months and again just recently.

 

  Self discovery is the key that opens so many doors.  Being quiet with your thoughts and truly embracing the gifts we are given each day.  To step outside of your comfort zone and step across our borders is, to me, something we should all do way more often.  To step out of your comfort zone and force yourself to face your life, unanswered questions, and to reach for new heights is an absolute necessity in order to live a full life.  To reach the end someday with a heart and soul full of new experiences, new places, tantalizing tastes, and soul sticking sounds….this is far more appealing to me than to enter my end with the type of assets that most of society tends to acquire.  Money and things can all be taken from us, and yet the investments in our memory banks can never be relinquished or repossessed.  They are the flowers in our souls blowing in the wind, spreading the seeds to so much more.  Travel the world, sail the seas, climb to new heights, but whatever you do….simply DO IT.  Gather your things, simplify your life, and never ever surrender the dreams swirling in your head.  Do it alone from time to time and find a partner to travel the world with you, for a shared experience is a multiplied dream (exponentially), but have the courage to realize we are all on borrowed time and get out and just do this thing called life.  No more excuses, minimize the delays, because somewhere out there someone is having their last day and it’s fairly certain that they’d trade you one more day to chase their one more dream.  Let go of your preconceived notions, release the baggage…leave it on the tarmac…unclaimed!

Rebuilding an Empire

  All too often life can bring us both figuratively and literally to our knees.  Be it a devastating financial blow, death of a loved one, loss of a relationship, or an unexpected (and critical) health issue.  These events all too often have devastating consequences and somehow seem to change, even if slightly, our internal wiring and the way we proceed in life and process whatever challenges lie ahead.  It goes without saying that regardless of your social status, your income level, or your color or creed, we all are faced with these game changers in the time we have here.  As the often used cliché’ goes “it matters little how many times you get knocked down, only that you get back up”.  It’s always been a favorite mantra of mine and one for which I sadly find myself repeating over and over for motivation to keep on keepin’ on.  Nothing in my life seems to have come easy.  From the most mundane of achievements and tasks to the truly monumental accomplishments in my life, I tend to go against the grain, swim upriver, and generally just find the way that feels best to me as opposed to taking the path of least resistance.  Rarely does my path find me effortlessly gliding through the slipstream of life..hands behind my head, staring at the sun, and just relaxing into the next chapter.  I love a good challenge and taking the road less traveled has truly allowed me to build an empire of love, memories, experiences, and values within the span of my life.  Even in matters of health, my body, injuries, etc, I seem to have the propensity to go big.  From broken bones, near misses, epic failures involving severe bodily injury, and even to the issues beyond my control, I seem to just end up finding myself facing, and subsequently overcoming, monumental odds. 

 

  I’ve survived two horrid break ups which entailed absolute destruction of all I had believed, built, or earned in my life.  Both internally, externally, monetarily, and spiritually, these two events completely destroyed me, however I’ve been able to pick up the pieces each time and build a more solid, resilient, and beautiful empire within my heart.  I’ve even been able to forgive beyond what I thought possible and in the case of my marriage, I’ve found a way to look back and see BOTH of our mistakes and to look beyond that, past that, and into the GOOD we shared and smile upon those memories, wrap my heart in the forgiveness, and finally call her a friend.  As I’ve taken the lessons from past relationships I find myself more careful (almost to a fault) and less afraid to acknowledge the “true” feelings as they surface.  I’ve also found that I’m more aware of what is NOT right and the things I cannot change, and hopefully gracefully letting those go.  More than anything I’ve realized there’s compromise in a relationship and that’s never ending, and yet there is a time when you have to be strong enough to know “it” is not in your best interest and you have to know with all your heart when you’ve sacrificed too much of yourself and graciously, kindly, and gently bow and say a peaceful farewell.  Had I never endured the agony of the past, I’d have never had the strength, self respect, or dignity to identify these things.  Only when that empire (relationships) came crashing down was I able to sift through the rubble, stand my ground, pick myself up, dry my tears and slowly pick up what pieces I could and build a more solid empire.  I picture that often in my mind.  Standing upon some great wall (not a misnomer in anyway) overlooking the sea of life still out there, basking in a brilliant sunset and knowing I had the tenacity to stand my ground even as the walls came crashing down….and the stubbornness to not give up.  I allow these images to remain with humble gratitude for the experiences that have allowed me to build a stronger “me”.  I’ve reached the point in my life where I see my own reflection, my life’s journey, and I smile so vibrantly in spite of all the heartache, for I know something resounding and great is right around the next bend.  In the last year I’ve come to a place where I truly believed nothing more could ever bring me down or rattle the walls within.  I’d built these walls (as we all logically do) perfectly and to the precise height so as to allow only those things, beings, and experiences I chose to invest in, over and into my world.  I had stood like a stonemason with pride in my heart and dirt on my hands, proud of the work I had done. 

 

  And then on a brilliant March night (27^th) my entire world would come unglued once again, and on a scale I never imagined.  As the prior months passed and my training for this year’s India/Himalaya trip progressed I was feeling healthy, joyful, and full of hope and life.  I had become fitter than I should be (on all accounts) and happier than I had been in quite some time.  I had met a wonderful woman, friend, and lady who would become not only my partner, but she’d literally be a guardian angel on that fateful night.  I had just returned home from a run and Amber and I were in the kitchen preparing to cook dinner.  She had come into my life like a ghost in the night.  Unforseen and unexpected would both be gross understatements.  I was “solid” and happy in my little empire.  Never too stand offish and always open to an unexpected possibility, and yet reality proved again and again that what I had decided to wait for, what I wanted, what I felt I deserved, just didn’t exist.  And like a ghost in the night she came from nowhere, seemingly appearing from the mist, and gracefully, gently, and beautifully our paths crossed.  I was so happy and content in the space I had found and created…then along came a girl and she effortlessly walked right through my walls.  We were wrapped up in another evening of talking, smiling, listening to music, and preparing to do one of our favorite things together..cook…when suddenly I couldn’t speak.  I was unable to get the words out that I felt were so effortlessly flowing from my mind.  Second by second it got worse until I couldn’t even understand simple words that Amber was saying.  Another second or two passed and I could feel my heart beating with a tachycardia rhythm and my limbs were going numb.  The beautiful woman before me, who I’d just begun to know, suddenly began to be an unrecognizable blur.  The angel became blurry as my eyes began to fail.  She appeared as a ghost, yet in a way unfathomable and horrifyingly real.  I could no longer stand, breathe, see, talk, or even understand.  I was having a stroke and deep down the years of being an EMT gave me the wherewithal to know immediately what was happening.

 

  I had felt fine on my run, if not a bit better than normal.  Nothing extraordinary until the walk home where I momentarily lost my vision and felt as though I was a staggering drunk as I walked home.  At the point where I lost vision, I simply sat down, too stubborn to wave for help, and waited for it to pass, assuming I had merely gone hypoglycemic.  Almost three weeks later we now know that I did indeed have  a “mini stroke” or what’s medically known as  a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack).  I’ve been poked, prodded, had more images of my brain, heart, and vasculature taken than I’d care to admit.  For the sake of not taking too many pages to explain it, the outcome is better than worst case scenario, and yet far from “good” as many so gracelessly have come up and bestowed their elations upon me because I don’t have to have immediate brain surgery.  The fact remains; I have an aneurysm on the left side in my carotid artery.  It is JUST below the brain.  A large portion of the carotid seems to be damaged as do some arteries in the back of the head.  Consensus is that the years of fighting (MMA, Muay Thai, Judo, and Jiu Jitsu) left me with a permanent reminder of the fragility of life.  The last few weeks have completely knocked my empire down once again and truly left me with a whole new view, perspective, and attitude about life and those around me.  I watched in my semi comatose state as my girlfriend stood by my side, picked me up (literally) and never let me feel sorry for myself for too long.  I watched some distant friends rally and help me in ways I never imagined.  I saw a friend from my childhood (Mick) stand before me and listen as my voice failed and the tears fell in the days that followed as I prepared for a journey to Denver for better medical care.  He listened as my voice broke as I faced the fear, made sure my life insurance was in order, and even as I had to assure that I had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in place.  We all believe we are “ready” (at least I think we all think we are) and for the first time, in spite of all the close calls, I was truly faced with the fact that at any moment my aneurysm could rupture and I could leave this place with not so much as a goodbye or even a final thought.  It’s the single most humbling experience I’ve ever endured.  Not just for the scary and immediate reality, but because I’ve seen so many kind people simply show love and support.  I’ve also seen the wicked side of a person and pure hate in the midst of it all…I’ve seen the pain in another so deep that they could not let their pride go even when faced with the end…my end. 

 

  In what seems like the blink of an eye it all changed.  In what is truly a brief moment in the grand scheme of things I’ve been reminded that pure and simple love exists all around us and living amongst it all can be pure hate and anger.  I’ve seen a single spark of admiration ignite into a raging inferno of appreciation and love.  I watched so completely helplessly as those close to me suffered just as much (if not more) as we waited for answers.  I’ve seen the empire not just come crumbling down again, but completely disappear and suddenly I find myself standing before life, reality, my maker, and humanity…wondering…hoping…and praying that the life I have lived has been of purpose.  That should the time bomb in my head go off, I can rest knowing that I made a difference.  That I’ve loved selflessly and that I’ve forgiven completely.  That the footprints I leave in the lives of those close to me will not simply wash away.  I shall never forget the pain on the faces of my two amazing kids as they sat on the couch after I got out of the hospital and had to explain to them what this meant.  The absolute pure pain and shock finding its way from within them, through their eyes, and pouring onto the couch.  The question I could not answer “daddy are you going to die”?  And yet I truly thought I had rebuilt my empire and could poignantly and gracefully look them in the eye and say something brilliant like “we are all going to die”…and yet all I could think at that moment was “damnit I’m not done yet”.  All I wanted to say to them in that moment was “daddy’s going to be fine and beat this” and deep down I could not fill them with false hope or make an empty promise that could haunt them for the rest of their days.  The only fitting answer I could give them was “all daddy knows how to do is fight”.  And fight I have, and fight I shall…but the inevitable truth is I just don’t know what this will mean tomorrow, next week, or next year, or whether I will get any of those.

 

  As strong as I remain I’m rattled to the core.  Staring at the sea of life, standing here trying to rebuild this time around…it all looks so different now.  The things I “want” from relationships, the time I waste in distress or anger…it all fades and blurs as my vision did on that fateful night.  I’ve come, in a very short time, to realize that my empire doesn’t need walls at all.  My empire is brilliant and resoundingly strong.  I find myself redefining my life, ambitions, dreams, and goals almost on a daily basis lately.  I am rattled far less easily, I accept far fewer excuses from others or myself, and more than anything I’m far firmer in my resolve when it comes to what I want with what’s left of my days and who I choose to share that time with.  Slowly I’m rebuilding my little empire in my soul, but this time the building blocks are not made of stone, they are made with the souls that surround me and the love I get in return for all the love I pour out.  My walls are the friends and family around me and these walls do not fall down.  I will rise again, even if for one more day, but I shall no longer hang onto the things, people, ideas, or events that try so desperately to rob me of my resolve.  What is important to me today is astoundingly different than even a month ago.  My path is certain, I see clearly if only for a moment, and my journey and time is mercurial at best, I am standing again and facing the light.  Rebuilding my empire one vibrant light filled moment at a time.   Should the bomb go off, should I not get one last goodbye, I truly hope that my last breath shall be with a sense of peace and love within.  My final hope would be to leave this world a bit better than it was before.