Gravity of the Heart

Much like falling from a chellenging climb, falling for another can often sneak up on you. The pull of gravity signifying the archaic tug that sends you tumbling. When roping up for a difficult climb, it is never my intent to fall. The prospect is always there, and you know that gravity is always lapping at your heels, and yet you defy science and common sense by moving up while clinging to slight imperfections on a stone face. Much like a painters brush stroking a blank canvas, your body dances delicately across that canvas made of stone. Constantly aware of the tangible possibility of a fall, yet you carry on, never without fear but constantly putting it aside, moving upward, focused and in tune with the energy around you. The gravity within our hearts posseses the same power, yet it isn’t often we have the chance to see it in such a raw state. My life on the mend, my mind clear and concise, my gaze focused and fixed, I have trodded along and become someone who I thouroughly enjoy. Along the way I have worked hard to build the walls around my heart. I have made sure to protect myself from the gravity of another heart pulling at mine. I have acknowledged the fear of letting another in, yet I have carried on and done (in my humble opinion) considerably well rebuilding my life, redefining relationships, and keeping it all in check. I’ve built considerable, logical, and tangible walls around my life, but especially around my heart. However absurd it may seem to some, it is/was a necessity for me. A requirement for survival, if you will. While these walls were insurmountable, they were walls which I could peak over, climb over, or look around whenever I saw fit. I could always retreat behind those walls if I felt like someone was getting too close. That, in and of itself, became a byproduct of what was happening around me. I needed a place to go and feel safe, and learn about myself, before I could open up to anyone. As time passed I found that safe haven became all too frequently where I found myself. I just couldn’t connect on a level that made me feel real again, or safe from the pain that could very well lie beyond those walls.



Being one who is fascinated with pugilism on a level beyond mere fists, I have seen the metaphor within this journey as it relates to fighting. Not just the similarity I find with climbing, gravity, and ascention. I see myself (post divorce) backed into a corner and fighting anything that got in the way of where I wanted to go, or anything, or anyone that incroached upon my safe place. I wouldn’t say that I put myself into seclusion or became a recluse. To the contrary I believe my journey has been one of personal satisifaction, grace, and self inquiry, while putting myself out there at the same time. I still bagan to worry as to whether I could open up to anyone again. The instinct to fight off anything unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or threatening is just something that I was born with. My life holds record to the fact that the “easy way” isn’t the path that I typically choose. Much like when I am training or fighting, I become enveloped in the moment. Transfixed on what it is I am facing, then and there, and constantly looking for the calmness within me that allows me to slip the punches of life, weave around my oponent, and strike when the timing is perfect. Timing and range awareness are two fundamentals of fighting that are continually being mastered. You become hyper aware as you settle into your rhythm. Your breathing becomes a metranome to the music around you. The sound of bodies clashing, fists smashing, and the breath of exhaustion that you hear as it emites from your lungs. You are the master of your own destiny. You either fight or you succumb to the litany of damage being sent your way.



So as women have come into my life, I have struggled with the gravitational pull of some fantastic individuals. I have pushed some away. Climbing back into my safety corridor, where I knew self relience was the way. I have backed myself into a corner and just as suddenly found that I just fight my way out. I see the connection coming, and in many cases a connection that had the potential to be something great, but the fear overwhelms me and all I can do is listen to that primordial instinct to get away. I climb myself high above the danger, yet always increasing the danger by going further. I fight and listen, tune into those familiar sounds and instincts. The deep seeded cellular instinct to fight off the danger, or flee (ascend) away from it. It’s become a rhythmic, instinctual, repetitive process. Meet someone, get to know them, like the process, but when they get too close push away and climb away. Repeat!!! It seems the pull, the longing for someone to tell it all to, is a far greater opponant than I had ever imagined. I think I’d have told you (even recently) that I have come to like being on my own. Being single and the master of my soul is a satisfaction that I appreciate.




Relatioinships are a strange new ground for a guy who spent half of his life with a woman that he truly thought he’d get old with someday. Strangely vast and multi layered. Ecclectic and diverse. Fantastic and fun filled, if you let them be, yet indescribably terrifying to a guy who NEVER knew love before his marriage, and ended said marriage overflowing with love. Relationships are like climbing in the sense that it’s an ever progression of movement. You have to get past the imperfections, move by move, to reach the top. You have to put forth the effort and hard work. Gravity will hold you down, but if you master the dance with gravity, you can ascend what had seemed impossible. You can also let go and come plummeting back to where you started. They are like climbing a big mountain. You can’t do it all in one push. You have to move forward in steps. Often going up to reconoiter what is ahead, then returning to a safer camp down lower. You have to make your climb in sections and eventually, if you are lucky and all goes well, you’ll reach the ultimate goal. Relationships are also much like fighting, and TOO OFTEN for some, they “are” fighting. Like facing an oponent who is trying to inflict harm, and impose his will, you have to pay attention and find a place within where you can do what you must to survive. When you get past the pain, shock, and terror of taking such unatural damage to your being, you can actually relax in that environment and find a way to move within that situation. To gain a place where you are in tune with the movements of your oponent. Not that relationships are about fighting, impossing your will, or inflicting damage, but even the most beautiful of relationships will see such moments. You learn to endure and survive what you think you cannot take. Once through these moments, and once you become more in tune, more self disciplined, you realize the unforseen beauty in the process. I think part of the process in relationships, fighting, and climbing, is fundamentally realizing that you can be, and often are, your own worst enemy. You have to learn to stop fighting what is natural. You must learn to survive if you want to get to that magical place you seek. You must learn to listen deeply to your instincts in order to accept the fact that you are going to get hit..and you will survive.



I have spent the last 16 months fighting, both figuratively and literally. At the same time I have faced battles with gravity. Climbing harder than I have in recent memory. I’ve let go of the fear of falling, at least in climbing. I’ve learned to listen to what is inside as I face an oponent in the gym. I’ve learned to accept my fate (it’s gonna hurt and I’m gonna take damage) while fighting. I’ve been unafraid to tie into a partner and do that delicate dance over stone. All the while I’ve been horrifically petrified of letting those same things (metaphorically) into my life when it comes to women. I’ve met some amazing ladies, and have had the privelage to really sit and get to know many, yet I find myself back within my walls time and again. I guess like the lesson in fighting – range is everything. Stay just far enough out of the “pocket” and you won’t get hit. Step within range only when YOU are ready. I’ve bided my time outside of range when it comes to relationships, however like climbing and/or fighting, everything can change in a moment. The gravity of your heart can bring you crashing into the life of someone who has stepped into your range.




In a moment I found my life changed forever. Now everyone calm down! Just listen and read as often as you need to in order to get this. I’m not running off and getting married. I’ve found myself standing, once again, in territory that has scared me EVERY SINGLE time I have found myself there. Not just scared in the post marriage world, but pre marriage as well. I never was one to let people in close; it just happened that my ex was able to find a way around my walls. In a moment, unforseen, unexpected, and unlikely, someone has come along and slowly, methodically begun to tear those walls. Before I knew it I was standing before her exposed, raw, and real, yet scared. Not once has she allowed me to begin the rebuilding process of those walls. Watching as the shaking ensues, the backing away and putting up my fists (figuratively of course). She has stood there and just watched; waiting for me to calm down enough to see that she isn’t running away. She’s calmly touched my soul and shown me that it “IS” okay to allow someone so close. It’s okay to be in that pocket and be that close to someone. I’ve stood before her, scared and on the run, yet she has been unwavering in her composure and understanding. Suddenly I look around and gravity isn’t such a scary thing. The safety I feel in her presence is astounding. Like the belay of life, I feel safe. I still don’t kid myself into thinking things could not change in a moment, but the process, the journey, and the lessons are real and tangible. They are/were the missing pieces to the puzzle in this journey. I find my rhythmic feet, dancing the fighters dance; footwork of the pugilist, slowing their fighting pace, a new stance is felt. I don’t feel myself side stepping, slipping, bobbing and weaving. I am not looking for a way to defeat what is in front of me out of fear, or to back away “out of the pocket”. I see a beauty as magnificant as any I ever imagined. Will she stay? WHO KNOWS?! I will NOT, however, ignore the lessons and the feelings. The warmth in her smile and the patience that is every cell of her being is something that I must absorb and be willing to explore. The gravity in her heart is something that I must allow to pull me closer. I can climb away, and I can damn sure fight, but I find myself standing here and absorbing all that the experience has to offer. Ever determined to be reslilient and show the fortitude that I have thus far, yet I feel I can maintain that independence while exploring the soul of another. I feel the balance! The kindness I feel seems almost surreal and the laughter seemingly intangible to some, and yet I feel free. My crippled wings have found the air and I feel the need to fly. Tomorrow isn’t here yet so I refuse to worry if she’ll stay, for today she is here, she is real, and she is standing right here in front of me. Unwavering and unafraid of the mess before her, only accepting that we are all human and only looking to find someone else to walk along beside her on her journey. Walking side by side as long as the path lasts, or as long as the destination is a shared experience, never devaluing what it is, yet never over stating what it is. I only hope that I can give back what I receive…I only hope that others can find peace within another as I seem to have done. This could last forever, for a week, or until tomorrow. As I try to not worry about the future, I realize that today is yesterday’s tomorrow, so I look with a fleating glance aroudn the corner, over my walls, into a tomorrow that may or may not come, yet I know it is there but not what it shall hold. Laughter radiates in my soul, I see the empty canvas before me waiting for me to paint my world.