All this time.

Last week ( Feb 25th) I saw a day that was brighter and better than most. It started like any other day- up early ( not as early as her ), quick shower, a quick espresso, kids lunches, out the door, and down the road to work. This day was different though. Fourteen years prior I stepped onto an alter in a blur. Scared to death and feeling dizzy. All my friends and family were there. My best friend Mick was there to egg me on and call me all the standard names that a best man is obligated to call his buddy about to take the plunge of allplunges. My mom and dad were so proud. My brother was there in all his best. My other best friend, Brian, was in typical form...checking out the brides maids. We were backstage, my little crew, going over what we were to do, rehearsing if you will, and all the while my boys were making jokes and trying to lighten the mood. What the hell was I doing? I hated public appearances under the best of circumstances. Here I stood , pale, feeling sick, scared, worried that she'd walk out and see this bumbling idiot and run as fast and far as she could. How could she possibly see any good in me? I was so young and ignorant. I knew she was better than me, I just hoped she wouldn't realize it in the next hour.

People milled about, patted my back. My dad came back and the look in his eye is one I will never forget. He was proud. Proud that I had found someone as good as her. Proud that I had lined my ducks up enough for her to see a glimmer of hope in me. It's the kind of pride that only a parent could understand. I am not certain but I would bet that he had his fingers and toes crossed. My mom was ever the dutiful mom, making sure everything was right and in order. Time ticked on - I was getting worse. What was wrong with me. My heart raced...my palms were sweating..none of the jokes were funny. Could I really do this? She had to know that I wasn't much. If I were a fish caught on a hook, they wouldn't even throw me back, I'd be better off as bait. I was so young and didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

Then it happened- the preacher walked by calmly and said something along the lines of "your up". I'm up !!! What the hell did he mean. Was there another wedding in line? Son of a byatch. I stepped out and there was the crowd. There could have been one person in the crowd, but to me it was the whole world. I wonder how many colors of red I turned. We were all lined up..the candles were lit. I couldn't stop staring at the flame. Wondering if we could keep the flame burning. Could we keep that flame hot when all the world around us was in turmoil..blowing and windy? Could that flame last through the trials and tribulations? Would the tears in our lives come flooding and put out that flame? I remember my mom lighting those candles and being unable to take my eyes from that flame. Then it flickered, drew down, and nearly went out. The door had opened and there she was. That door closed behind her and the breezed subsided. There she stood. My knees went weak. My stomach churned. My heart fluttered like a hummingbird's wings. I couldn't believe what I saw. I spent our time before this moment thinking that she couldn't possibly be more beautiful. There she was proving me wrong. It wouldn't be the last time.

What happened after that is a mystery to me. I have seen the video and it made me feel like a person who wakes from a coma. Where was I at that moment? I was lost. Lost in her beauty, lost in her eyes. Lost in the pressure knowing that the girl that stood before me was that one special person that I was put on this earth for. I still don't remember much more of that day. What I describe above is all I need. The years since have seen us go up and down, backwards and forwards, but all along we have maintained one aspect of our relationship that has proven the most critical. We are still buddies. We still smile when we look at one another. We still look forward to coming home to be together at the end of the day. We can still laugh at each other and ourselves. We have always been close. We climb together, hike together, party together, and get stupid together. I wake up everyday and know that she is a gift. Not many guys are as lucky as me. The funny thing is that she has stood by me all this time. Even after learning that I am far from that perfect young stallion she met so long ago.

So what would any upstanding Colorado couple do to celebrate their 14 year anniversary? We went climbing of course. We basked in the sun of the desert. The warm breeze blowing through our hair, white chalked hands. Our skin had that faint smell of being exposed to the sun and slightly sweaty. Our hair was matted and wind blown. Our clothes were dirty. Our hands showed the wear of years of weathering the storms of our lives. Our faces showed a few more wrinkles and our hair a few more greys. Yet on that day I saw the woman who stood before me all those years ago. All this time had passed and yet again she was more beautiful than I thought possible. Her blond hair blowing in the wind and her eyes filled with all the love a person could possibly posses..and maybe a little more. She is still there. Before me and with me. She has been there when no one else has. She picked me up when I fell down and took care of me when I couldn't walk. She gave me the two best kids a man could ask for. All the while she has been there right next to me. All the while she has remained my best friend. She completes me and fulfills my dreams. I can only hope that our time on this earth is spent together. Fourteen years ago I cast my line hoping for a bite, maybe even just a nibble. Little did I know that it would be the catch of my life.

Looking on the bright side

It's easy to look back on the last 7 months and feel a bit sorry for myself. However, that would be too easy. I've never been known to do things the easy way. I have learned to cope and move on. I have learned to see the silver lining in all that has happened, and while I will likely never be the same, I will always reflect on what happened with a sense of appreciation. It made me stronger and gave me such a refreshing perspective on what it means to be healthy and to have all the simple "abilities" that we are given and which can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I may always walk a little funny, and I may deal with pain that feel insurmountable at times, but I will always appreciate the little things like I have never before. The trials and tribulations will always be there, but the ability to deal and move on will always prevail. I have had the opportunity to be humbled once again and I won't forget the lessons learned. How could I? I wake up every morning with that gentle reminder...pain. Every step I take is a step that I earned and that I appreciate now more than ever. Another good thing to come from all of this is the fact that it brought me even closer to my family. My wife and kids went through hell because of this too. I would like to think that they too took something positive from all of this, but that would be for them to say.

Roping up and climbing again is something that hasn't come easy. Every time I tie into that rope I think "what if". Those what ifs keep me safe. They make me double check my knot, my harness, my gear, and my mental awareness. All things critical to coming back home safe. The longer you climb, the more comfortable you become. The more comfortable you become, the easier it is to overlook something that could come back to haunt you in a very real way. So - if nothing else I have gained a little more insight that will hopefully keep me safer on the next climb. I sure appreciate the fact that I have a second ( or third or fourth depending on how you look at it) chance to pursue something that has defined me for the past 12+ years. I had my doubts but I think my inability to do things the easy way, or to just quit, have served me well. All in all I think that luck and the hard work of my doctors and therapists has contributed as well. I am hopeful that things will just keep getting better. I am confident that I will do all that I can to prevent myself from going through another injury this severe. Any activity ( notice I didn't call it a sport - it's a way of life ) has risk involved. Injuries happen. Now I believe that it is how you face those injuries that define you as well as whether it is just a sport...or a way of life. We all have choices and my choice is to learn from my mistake, move forward ( and up), and find the positive instead of dwelling on the negative.

Fortitudine Vincimus - By endurance we conquer.

On Fighting Fire

Inevitably we get older and life begins to take on new meaning. The winds of change take effect a little at a time but as we age, I believe that we reflect on our lives and begin to see what we have become and where we have gone. I have friends that have spent time reflecting on their lives and in doing so have realized they have not been "living" the way that they had always said they would. Some of those friends have quit jobs and hit the road. Some have gone back to school. Others have picked up an instrument that they always wanted to play. Since my little wreck with gravity, I picked up the guitar and began learning. There has always been music in me, in one form or another, I have always tapped my feet, hummed a song, or as my wife would tell you, tapped my fingers constantly to the beat of my own song. I have always loved writing and I have always loved music. Not just listening to music, but listening to the beats, rhythms, and score's of life. Life is music. So I decided to learn. In doing so, I made a commitment to myself - I wouldn't quit and I would put my heart into playing the way that I have into all other endeavors I have set into motion. I'll let you know how it goes. So far? Slow but fun.

Moving to Durango was a life changing event for all of us. We put it all out there and walked precariously out onto the proverbial limb of life. Here we are, almost 3 years later. When we got here, I decided I would fulfil another dream, that was, becoming a firefighter. Wildland and Structural. I have always seen this profession as one of the most noble a man could pursue. For me, it was/is another adrenaline fueled adventure that not only fills my need for constant stimulation, but it allows me to fulfil another need that I have, and that is to help others. While guiding in years past, I realized that emergency medicine was something that I was good at. I could handle it, I thrived under pressure, and I was calm in situations that were dangerous and chaotic. So I volunteered (and get paid for pulling shifts) for the Upper Pine Fire Protection District. Went through my rookie training and finished with flying colors. I realized a lot while going through training. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of info that goes into training a firefighter/EMT. You really learn to respect and fear fire. Towards the end of our rookie class, we were fortunate enough to have the opportunity to train in a flashover trainer. Click the link below for a Youtube video of our actual training. I am the guy filming. All of the training was (and always will be - we never stop training) intense. You really have no idea how hard and dangerous it all is until you go through such training.

So recently someone pointed out that firefighting was "dangerous". With my current state of inability and suffering, I really had the time to stop and think about that. Here I am crippled up for the next year and I still go to trainings and look forward to the day when my radio goes off and I can hop in my truck, drive the mile to the station, and jump in the engine and respond. Just driving down the road in a fully outfitted engine is a danger in itself. MANY firefighters lose their lives yearly to accidents while responding. Then there is the time you spend on scene, standing right up against a burning structure or even worse, having to go in and pull someone out. Or responding to an auto accident where you have to crawl into an unstable vehicle, possibly ready to burn, to get to the victim(s). Yeah, its dangerous, but so is everything else we do. My take is that I have that constant music in my head, I live life pretty close to the edge, and I like to help people. So why not fulfil two lifelong dreams while I still have my health. Music brings me peace as does walking away from helping someone who is having a really bad day. I believe we all want to help others, that is human nature right? I think we all do help others, we just choose to do it in different ways.

My first call out of rookie class is one that I will NEVER forget. When doubt enters my head, and I wonder if the risks are worth it, all I need is that memory to put me back on track. All the time (aside from working full time) to train and respond is unquestionably worth it. So my radio went off after work one night, "Upper Pine Fire and Rescue district 3 (that's my district) Please stand by for a medical page".....I grabbed my radio, threw on my boots and headed for my truck..the call went on to say that a disabled woman needed a lift assist - had fallen out of her wheel chair. I was heading out of our subdivision when the location came out..it was the neighborhood next to us. Keep in mind that we live in the mountains..not in town. So instead of grabbing the engine I just drove over and figured I was going to help a little old lady back to her chair. As I pulled up another volunteer (Mike) was in a pond up to his waist holding a female up out of the water. I jumped out and ran over, her leg was stuck in a culvert running under her driveway. Mike had her head just above water. We got her back onto dry land and shortly after the ambulance arrived. Once we had her hooked up to the monitor we realized her heart rate was DANGEROUSLY low. She had stopped shaking. She was hypodermic. She was paralyzed from the mid-chest area down (due to a car accident in which her husband was killed). So as we warmed her and talked to her, she just couldn't get full sentences out. She was in trouble. We threw her in the bus (aka- ambulance) and off she went.

Turns out she (Chris) was trying to get some sticks out of their pond and took her chair a little to close and in she went. She had been in there almost 20 minutes before her 89 year old mother had stuck her head out the front door and realized something was wrong. She ran (as fast as a walker can go with an 89 year old engine pushing it) to the phone and out came our page. So Chris spent the night in the hospital and that was that. Then during our graduation ceremony (from our rookie class) up pulls a van and who should exit???? Chris! She spoke at the end of the ceremony about how "2 young men pulled her out of the water" and how " she could never have gotten out on her own and how tired she had become trying to hold her head up with her only working limbs- her arms". I kept looking away and at the floor, anything to distract me and keep the tears from falling. She looked us straight in the eye and said "I thank you from the bottom of my heart". That was it for me. I will never forget her or that call. I had made the right choice. All the pain, time, and heartache was (and always will be) worth it. We didn't "save" her...we did what we, or anyone else who might have been there, would have done. We helped someone who was having a really bad day.

So those are two of the little things in my life that I have taken on in my mid years. I don't know if I will ever be REALLY GOOD at either, but like everything else I do, I will never give up and I will always do my best.

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** Here is a link to the video I took in the flashover trainer. Watch the flames as the air and the smoke (ie: fuel) become so hat that they ignite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UytLUK0mdZY

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Oh- and the picture above was taken in Ridgeway Colorado. It isn't one of our engines..ours are actually new.

Life Emerging

How often have you wondered about the past? Past friends, relationships, etc. If you are like the average person you likely find yourself reminiscing from time to time. When doing so I had often wondered about the friends who were (unbeknownst to them) so critical in the outcome of so many different facets of my life. We are all shaped by our past, whether we like to admit it or not. We grow up, grow apart, and move on. It seems rare that any of us make the minuscule effort needed to maintain contact with those who we share our youth. I too am guilty of such. However, there hasn't been many years in my life where I don't think back on those youthful memories and wonder what happened to those people. Did they find happiness? Did they have kids and get the opportunity to experience what life is REALLY about? Did they get to watch their kids grow and relive their childhood? Did they struggle through hard times like I did? Did they "keep it in the family" by marrying one of "our" little circle? Did they stay in touch with one another? Did they even survive this long? All these questions have seeped into my mind occasionally. It is usually just a fleeting moment where I am reminded of someone. Sometimes I can be walking down the street and something just triggers that memory. For most, it all remains just that, a memory. We are taught not to "live in the past" yet we all seem to hold those memories close to our hearts. They come flooding back to me in times when I seem to be at a low point. Granted, I am fortunate that this doesn't happen often. I have had a pretty damn good life. I do keep stock of my life and what it has amounted too. I try not to end up on auto pilot and forget my roots. I have always tried to keep memories alive. They have made me who I am, yet my life is just as busy as the next guy's and I don't have all day to sit and think about those people in my past.

My history has served me well. I think I turned out alright. There have been lots of hard times and even more good ones. I DO think of old friends and always wished I had a way of finding them. The moment usually passes as quickly as it comes. Usually life brings me back to reality, be it the kids, work , etc, etc. I have always had another escape: that is climbing. Nothing sets you free (at least for me) like being hundreds of feet above the ground with only a 9.4 mm nylon rope and some hardware keeping you from becoming gravity's bastard. You feel the blood run through your veins, your senses are on fire. You can feel every grain of dirt under your skin, and your heartbeat is downright audible.

When that "high" is suddenly taken from you in one fell swipe (or fall), your mind just can't seem to process what has happened. You end up in a "funk". You long for that feeling, yet you know nothing can replace it. I have sat for almost 3 months now, wondering what I can do to find that lift again. That happy feeling. The truth is, nothing will ever replace 15 years of climbing and the memories it has given me. The strength, both inward and outward, that I have been given. The confidence. But I was recently given one hell of a boost. Within a week I was contacted (or I contacted) some old friends. Friends who shaped my life and helped to make me who I am today. These are the friends we never forget and always wonder about. Suddenly in my time of despair, they began to emerge from a world so far, yet still so close. I can't explain the timing nor would I try, but it couldn't have happened at a better time. These aren't just regular old friends. These are TRUE friends who have taken a part in a rescue of a fallen soul. Friends who used to make me laugh (Rob-the dude is still smiling), who stood by my side no matter what (Chas, Mick, Misty) who I looked up to (Kai, Bill, Brad-this dude can still throw down) and ones who engulfed a heart so young (Heather, Malania) and those who were always a foundation for me to rely on (Joe, Iman twins).

It's crazy that these particular people would fall into my life shortly after a fall that devastated my world. Nothing could ever replace (nor will it until I return to that life) the life I had 3 months ago, but then again, nothing could ever replace these people. There is not one amongst them who I have not wondered about over the last 20 years. I hope that the evolving cyber reunion will turn into friendships that will last as long as the void (20+ years) as well as the opportunity for some of them to benefit in some small way...like I have. One of the greatest joys of this emergence of friends, is seeing their smiling faces and knowing that they are happy. Knowing they have found their own "higher ground". I am grateful to all of them for so many reasons. It wasn't just wasted youth that we shared. Obviously there was more. But I guess you had to be there.

Autumn is here

A little something I wrote a while back:

Never Meant To Be Here

However we dicide to live our lives, that is how it is supposed to be. However we decide to conquer our fears, that is the way we deal and move forward. We don't always end up where we want to be, but we end up where we are supposed to be. We fight and we struggle through this life, and we try like hell to shape this life into what we imagine it should be. We try to live a just life, a life filled with happiness and joy. We try not to hurt others and we try not to fall on our face. However that my turn out for us, we continually strive for better. We continually search for those things in life that give us joy.
Most of society passes through this life on auto pilot. I refuse to live my life in "the zone". To hell with "The Zone". Life is too short. We only get one shot. Find what it is that inspires you and do WHATEVER it takes to experience that "thing" as often as possible. So often we are grounded by life's little normalitites. Is it worth it? To live an ordinary life? To meet the status quo? To hell with that. Live life like you were never meant to be here. To hell with what you are "supposed" to do. Do what is in your heart. Have the courage to follow your dreams and never stray from what it is that those dreams lead you to.
When you encounter adversity and challenge, remember that it is the essence of your being, and the human spirit, that allows you to push beyond the limitations that society places on you. Don't ever settle for "good enough". Push your heart and your soul to the limits that you imagine. This life is very short. Don't let anyone shape your existence. Fight for what you believe in and never settle for second best. Live life like you were never meant to be here, then and only then, will you have lived a full life.

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I have been battling the demons of my injury. The slow trickling realization that I may be changed forever. The surreal epiphany that my life may have been changed in my fall from grace. I still maintain my upbeat spirit and my unwavering will to fight. I won't quit and I won't back down. I have just been taking things one day at a time. The stitches are out, the dead skin has fallen away and the swelling is just about as far gone as it will ever be. But still I am left with a grotesque reminder of that day. The day it all changed. I'll get back to the "look" of my foot.

I carry on with a heart filled with hope and the fight that I have possessed my entire life. I have spent hours, even days, wondering what I will be like in a year. I am constantly told that "you will never be the same" and I constantly find that little smirk arising when I am told such things. How could anyone just accept that. Just quit. Just throw in the towel. I try and find inspiration where I can. My therapist (Eric) gives me new hope every time I see him. He won't let me accept any negativity. When I say "someone told me so and so" he just says, "yeah but that isn't you". He pushes me beyond what I perceive as my limit. I cheek crawl (that is a sweet phrase if only you can picture it) up the table as he manipulates my foot and pushes it to its limit(s). When I walked in to PhysicalTherapy (PT) I wondered why the table were so damn long....now I know. They are that way so that you don't cheek shuffle right off the back of the thing. Eric is a source of positive energy in my little world of struggle.

I had another HUGE pick me up this week. A friend I have known since sixth grade contacted me via that little Facespace thingy. Her name is Chas and we go WAY THE HELL back. Not only were we in sixth grade together, but high school as well. We were never super close but there was an incident in sixth grade where I had just moved to California and some pricks were getting their pick on. So Chas was pretty popular (all the way through high school too) and she stepped in and gave those jack asses a few words. I remember it like it was yesterday. Anyhow, her husband (Kai) and I were a bit closer as friends go. Ran with the same circle, etc. I have wondered for YEARS what ever happened to those guys. My son is named after Kai (in a round about sort of way) so he/they were never far from my thoughts. So she found me and we chatted online last night and I just laughed at some of the memories that came flooding back. The proverbial damn, that blocks out a lot of our past, came crashing down and the flood of memories was AMAZING. I laughed out loud, several times. The irony is/was that I was having a tough day. My pain was out of control (again) and I still refuse to take pain killers, so her little pick me up COULD NOT have come at a better time. For about an hour, I didn't think of anything but good times and good friends. Thanks Chas.

So today I get home and grab this little laptop and decide it is time to chime in on the ol' blog. I plug in my headphones, open up Itunes and just hit play for some random tunes. What comes on????? Staind's 'It's Been A While'. Sometimes I get a little spooked by little things. This happened to be one of them. If you haven't heard the tune...well you are an idiot, just kidding. Here I was thinking about the past, life, my future, my pain and on pops this little diddy. Not to be a cheese puff (that's pronounced poof in some states) but I'll put the lyrics below. So much of that song rings true right now. My relation to the song jumps all over but the part where it says "It's been a while since I could hold my head up high" and then "It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again"....wow. That is just plain creepy. Then a lot of it I can relate to the little odyssey that this whole thing has taken my wife and kids on...like.."and it's been a while since I said I'm sorry". I just can't help but feel like I not only hurt myself but I put an incredible strain on the people that typically lean on me and that I support.

Okay- about my swollen foot. My son walks in today as I am firing up this little machine of joy to write on this little blog, and he says to me "dad- your foot just stays swollen". I tell him "kid it looks about as good as it ever will". Then he says one of those little things that only another parent could understand. One of those little Innocent things that he couldn't possibly understand the magnitude of its meaning to me.. he says "dad at least you might be able to walk again and maybe climb....well I think you'd climb again even if you couldn't walk ever again". The kid gets it !!!

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Staind - It's Been A While

It's been a while

Since I could hold my head up high

and it's been a while

Since I first saw you

It's been a while

since i could stand on my own two feet again

and it's been a while

since i could call you

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem

the consequences that I've rendered

I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while

since i could say that i wasn't addicted and

It's been a while

Since I could say I love myself as well and

It's been a while

Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do

It's been a while

But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem

the consequences that I've rendered

I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must i feel this way?

just make this go away

just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile

Since I could look at myself straight

and it's been awhile

since i said I'm sorry

It's been awhile

Since I've seen the way the candles light your face

It's been awhile

But I can still remember just the way you taste

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem

I know it's me i cannot blame this on my father

he did the best he could for me

It's been a while

Since I could hold my head up high

and it's been a while since i said I'm sorry

That Place

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND:

This is an approximation, and only an approximation. I cannot be held accountable for its validity or accuracy due to the fact that I am about as doped up as a human can get without landing yourself straight in the rehab. To the best of my knowledge, this time frame is accurate as to the time of my accident to the time under the knife. The first cut. This timeline is important to me because it makes me realize that maybe I wasn't being such a panzy. Maybe I was right to feel sorry for myself for that brief second whilst I was screaming from someone to just go ahead and take my foot off. So here it is:

Alternative time units:

16 days, 7 hours, 5 minutes and 0 seconds can be converted to one of these units:
1,407,900 seconds
23,465 minutes
391 hours (rounded down)
2 weeks (rounded down)

I can tell you this- if you ever get hurt and have to wait out the surgery that will assuredly start you on the road to recovery, be strong and expect the worst. The worst gut wrenching pain you can imagine. It will come. Rest assured that between the time of injury and the time of surgery, there is a gray area. A zone of incomprehensible suffering that no human should endure. This "zone" is a place that I hope I never spend another second, much less 1,207,900 seconds. You find yourself contemplating everything....and I mean EVERYTHING. From the color of the butterfly that gracefully sits on the windowsill above your head. The little creature slowly flutters its wings and you swear you can feel the breeze emanating from its little world. The window that lets in that cool mountain breeze that you long to feel again. My little window to the other side consists of that breeze as well as the soft subtle sound of the river flowing behind our house. Soothing? Maybe? Torturous? At times. All the while you have to stay strong and keep your game face on. You know it isn't over. The games have just begun.

On the day of my surgery I was ready to go. I am not sure I could have taken another day of "recovery" while knowing that every day gone by would be another day that my bones had healed in a way that was not right. I knew my fall was bad and I had come to terms with the reality that I may never be the same, but I was ready to get on with whatever hand I would be dealt. Just give me that hand and let me work with it. Those last few days before surgery were INSANE. The pain was out of control. I had weaned myself off of the pain meds because the doctor said it would be best to not let my body build a tolerance to those little pills of joy. I am glad she gave me that advice. I would soon find out that the pre-surgery pain was just a precursor of greater things to come. Once I was there and in the pre op area, my anesthesiologist came in. The guy looked young enough to be my son. Turns out he is 31. He explained the benefits of the "Pain Block" as opposed to general anesthesia. I was sold. My exact words "hook a brutha up". Boy did he ever. After putting a little wonder juice into my IV, the proceeded to put this pain block in through the back of my leg. Just behind the knee. The very last memory that I had was of him hooking up the "little box" and setting the dial. It made my foot jump and twitch all over the place. That wasn't exactly the best note to go out on. It was a little weird seeing you foot flop around like fish out of water. Gasping for life....flopping..then slowly succumbing to reality. That would be the point where he found the right setting on his "box" for my nerve. That was all she wrote for three hours.

I had asked Dr. Furry if she would mind taking a couple of photos for my blog. She thought it would be okay so she held to her word and gave my camera to a couple of the OR nurses. As you can see, they did a great job of taking photos. This is one of my favorites. Right here on the left. If you have made it this far then you obviously have a strong stomach. This is half of my heel bone. When they told me I broke it "in half", they weren't kidding. The piece she is holding here was apparently still attached by a little piece. They had to pull it out to get in there and pull everything back together. They also had to pull my heel back DOWN into its anatomically correct position. Then they put it all back in there, added the plate and screws, sewed me back up and bhada bing...bhada boom. I am back on the road to recovery.

The one thing that I wasn't prepared for was the moment when that pain block wore off. All through the night they keep coming in to check on you. Give you meds (orally) and take vitals. The little subtle question that they kept asking was "how is your pain now"? Ha! It was awesome - I didn't even feel like I had a leg. They persisted. Knowing what was coming. Anticipating . Watching me ever so keenly...waiting. Then - at seven in the morning on Saturday it happened, the pain block wore off. I am not ashamed to admit it, I screamed. Holy Mary mother of God. What had they done. I actually had to sit up and see if they were doing surgery right then. I would have been happy to let them take my foot at that point. As long as it would end the pain. They kept trying the "oral" meds even when I was telling them (orally) that they weren't doing squat. My whole body convulsed in pain. I have NEVER felt something so intense. I thought I had seen the worst of it.

I believe (especially now) that our minds internalize certain things and are able to withstand some tremendous amounts of agony. I think my mind just went into self preservation mode. I withdrew into a place within myself that was safe. I place I had never been. This was a place of comfort, of selflessness, of reasoning. I knew that this was coming, or at least I thought I knew. I somehow feel that I know what it is like to be truly on "THE EDGE" of what your body can take. It makes me think of all the books of adventure and survival I have read. You just shut down and your mind takes over. It takes your soul to its little safe haven and leaves just enough for your body to progress. Ever so slightly, you come back. Sounds are intense, smells, light, you just feel.....awakened. It would be absurd to say it was a refreshing experience, but I can tell you that it is one I will never forget. My "limits" have been redefined and subsequently my boundaries have been pushed further than I ever thought possible. The doctors and hospital staff were amazing. They knew what was coming, and they did everything to lessen the punch. They fixed me as best they could. I walk (well in a few months anyway) away with some sweet blingage in my foot and a whole new respect for the human mind. I am grateful for the people who are able to help when things like this happen. What could you possibly say that would equate even the slightest gratitude that you feel? Most of all, I am grateful for the wife who has stood by me through all this. Was torn from her sleep by my moans and screams. Who was there to look me in the eye and say "it's gonna be okay". Seems I owe her a little vacation.

Finally, I am home after an extra day in the hospital. The pain is there, but I have been to that place. I have been there and I know that the pain won't win. I will win. I don't have it as bad as some. In fact - there are those that see this as a pretty minor injury. I do walk away with a healthy respect for those who have been to that place. Whos minds have taken over and taken them to a place of comfort during the most horrendous moments of pain and suffering. It is a brotherhood that I hope you never join. Should you find yourself there - just go with it. You have to endure and you will make it through. Now that I am fixed up.....let the healing begin. There are climbs waiting.

PS: I have no clue why there is a surgical latex glove on my foot. Surgeons just wanna have fun I would presume! Oh - and chics dig scars !!!