Brevity

  I find it fitting that the approximate size of our heart is equal to the size of our fists.  Immeasurable is the actual depth yet I’m convinced there are limitless possibilities there.   Of more certainty is the brevity for which you can sustain certain emotions within said heart.  The metaphor isn’t lost on me when it comes to my heart being the size of my fist for my fists represent the fighting end of my spirit.  There’s a correlation there between that space.  At the end of our hearts, there’s the will to fight.  Buried within us there’s an indomitable spirit to fight to maintain what lies within that fist-sized muscle.  There is a truth and innocence in finding the spirit to remain open to the tsunami of emotions that our hearts can emit.  Like a new dawn melting away the frost, we can allow our emotions to flow freely and unencumbered.  We can dig deep and fight for what we feel inside, unapologetically and without fear.  We honor ourselves when we acknowledge and freely feel what others try and stuff down.  There’s poetry in reaching deep and letting what lies within flow freely as opposed to damning the rushing waves.  Giving yourself space and permission to feel those emotions can allow you to fight one more round for what you want, believe, or believe.

  We are, each of us, beautiful in so many ways and when you feel stifled, beaten down, unappreciated, or like you simply aren’t enough, you really only need to turn inward to find the light and passion that lies deep within.  Learning to tap into something beyond the basal level of emotions is a journey that can be wayward, scary, ridiculous, but ultimately it’s an awakening.  You have the right to feel whatever it is you are feeling.  You have the right to share it but you have an absolute duty to honor it.  While those you love can give you space and freedom to open up on such a level, only you can find the courage to do so before the brevity of the situation is lost in the next wave of emotion.  Travel lightly, speak your truth, and eventually, you will find a virtual tap has been opened allowing you to express, love, share, and feel in ways you likely didn’t think possible.  Ball up those fists (figuratively) and swing for the fences.  Face your fears and step into a cleansing synergy where love meets reality.  Be brave, love kindly, hope, and open yourself to the idea of accepting your own feelings. 

  It’s taken me 43 years and many hard fought battles, painful lessons, and tears beyond description to finally allow myself to feel THAT deeply.  I cannot imagine bottling up those deep and beautiful feelings that reside in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul ever again.  Therein lies a freedom that I will ever embrace.  While what lies there may not be received, it matters little as long as you honor, allow, feel and release those things and in turn receive the knowledge that comes with releasing something so terrifying (to some)…something so difficult to feel, much less share.  Do not stand by or stuff down what is in your heart.  Speak your truth and set yourself free!  You don’t “feel too much”…not for the right person/people.  Feel it, release it, love it, embrace it, and accept it and I promise you will feel a deeper sense of worth!

  So open the flood gates, roll with the punches, fight for love and honor, and when the reservoir has become empty…dance in the silence and embrace the emptiness for it is nothing more than a clean slate and a chance to start over.  Give yourself permission to refill that space with the beautiful feelings you already possess.  

Inside Out

 Love begins, ends, lives, and is perpetuated from within.  We spend our lives searching for approval, for love, and for affection that already lives within each of us.  I recently watched a video where it was pointed out that we enter into this life with no knowledge.  We don’t know good from bad.  

Someone has to teach us, therefore we are conditioned at a very young age to seek out acceptance, affirmation, and love.  Add social media to the mix and you instantly have a virtual boiling pot for acceptance seekers.  Don't get me wrong I've been there.  We can also find ourselves seeking out these things, and many more, when we were unfortunate enough to find these things neglected in our youth.  These two examples are troubling when you look at those around you and bear witness to their constant need for approval, likes, etc.  It’s far more common than I think we will admit. Walk into any coffee shop with Wi-Fi and it’s likely a land of social media zombies staring at any given device and yet there’re tangible souls sitting within arm’s reach.   We’ve forgotten the most important “connection” isn’t to the internet…but to one another and more so oneself.

  As a photographer I am conditioned to see the beauty all around me.  My eyes are drawn to what “I” feel is beautiful and yet to many what I see as beautiful is anything but.  I find joy beyond description in finding beauty where many see none.  I'm always saddened when I have a client who wants me to remove a blemish, cover a freckle, etc.  As I've gotten older I've learned to put the camera down, make the client FEEL beautiful (respectfully and appropriately so) before I pick up my camera in hopes of showing them just how beautiful they truly are.  It's an aspect of my craft that I'm extremely passionate about.  There's nothing that makes me happier than to see someone who lacks self-esteem fall in love with their own photograph and maybe fall a little more in love with themselves.  I have been privileged to photograph so many beautiful places, animals, sunsets, and so on, but my favorite still is capturing the beauty in people. I have a very good friend, we'll call her Jordan, who was a part of a photo shoot that still warms my soul years later.  We had known each other prior so we already had that dynamic going for us.  I already knew her to be a lover of her own being.  She's an amazing soul and I knew it wouldn't be hard to photograph her.  There were 4 other women at that evening’s session and all but Jordan were tense.  She was there early to help me set up and as the ladies trickled in the anxiety was palpable.  Jordan took control and welcomed each lady, made them comfortable and helped me turn the evening into one of my most memorable shoots of my career.  Photographing women can be tough.  They are constantly bombarded with what society, media, and retailers want us to think is beautiful.  With such grace Jordan assured each lady of her beauty.  I like to think I took part but this was different. Most people, men especially, would think that photographing four either scantly clad, or nude, woman as something simple and yet it’s very nerve wracking.  It's a part of my craft to maintain a professional level of confidence....and being the father of a little girl...a man who was married to a wonderful woman for 16 years....and what I hope is a decent man...it's my job to be respectful and assure these ladies are safe but the energy from Jordan was a game changer for me.

   So that evening I saw a side of my friend Jordan that I had never seen (no pun intended)...not only was she such an incredible lady to assist me in comforting the others but when she stepped in front of the  lights there was instantly a synergy between model and photographer.  Way beyond the often used "natural" adjective.  There was an energy between us.  Nothing inappropriate at all.  It was beautiful.  Knowing her prior and feeling comfortable with myself gave me a personal level of comfort and I felt a sense of love photographing her.  Her love for herself was stunning and it just flowed back and forth.  Of the thousands of images I have taken, they're still some of my favorite portraits. 

   You see in my opinion Jordan didn’t step in front of my lens for approval.  She already loved herself as completely as she could.  She cared little who “liked” her photos…she was there to bear her soul.  She'd be the first to tell you she's a work in progress, as we all are.  She took part in this shoot so she could give her husband a unique Christmas gift.  My point is that when we love ourselves first and fundamentally, we no longer have the need to find it externally.  The need is abolished and it's a beautiful thing to feel or even witness.  No longer do we have to spend our time and energy in vain pursuits.  All we have and need is right here. When we reach this place it’s rarely a onetime trip, it too is a work in progress.  It ebbs and flows like any relationship and yet it becomes easier as you relentlessly cultivate love for yourself.  Suddenly we can enter another relationship with a partner without our old tried and failed habits and expectations.  Sure you can still have boundaries and certain qualities such as honesty, devotion, etc...but when your partner loves themselves to the point of not searching for it externally, there's a synergy waiting to be explored!   The sum of two becomes greater than they would be on their own, and yet on their own either is still whole.  The challenges of relationships will still apply.  Boundaries will be established and without buy in, effort, constant communication, and the willingness to work back and forth, well even two souls fully in love with themselves cannot make things work without negotiation, understanding, etc.  It’s not magic and in fact it’s more work to maintain that love of oneself while still being attentive to your partner.

   Making the conscious effort to dig deep and love ourselves is tricky.  It’s a foreign concept in this day and age and especially in this country.  We care more, and spend more time and money, cultivating the “image” we want and perceive as “good”.  It’s a conundrum when you are photographer.  You are supposed to show beauty and yet my personal journey (especially over the last few years) has been exactly what I speak of…learning to accept and love myself first, and at all costs.  I’m far from perfect and I too am a work in progress but I see my path and no matter how many times I fall down, I rise again and keep moving forward.  So when we spend all that time and money on an image, how is it surprising that we become such a superficial bunch?  As my journey has unfolded I have blundered, fallen off the wagon so to speak, and failed in my own ways but my hope is that by sharing my thoughts maybe it will touch one person and help them to see that what I see through my lens (as many photographers will tell you) is merely a reflection of what’s inside.  Don’t be afraid to face the brutalities (if they exist) of your past.  They will haunt you until you banish them, accept them, move around them, or understand them, eventually paving the way for a deeper sense of love for oneself.  You may think you are fully capable of loving another but if you allow the pain(s) of the past to remain…they will continue to remain just that..roadblocks.  You allow the past to hold and harness your energy and no matter what you may think, it’s affecting your ability to love yourself fully and therefore your ability to love another fully.  All the time spent refining your exterior will do nothing to refine what is deeper and more important, what lies within.  As a society we pour all that money into gym memberships, the right makeup, so on and so forth, but we seem to be unwilling or afraid to invest in the inside.  Sometimes that requires help.  Our fear to seek help from the outside (in the way of therapy, counseling, or whatever you want to call it) is a complete contradiction to our desire and willingness when we seek acceptance from the outside!  It’s a shame and my journey over the last few years has in fact involved outside “help” and I’m so proud and unashamed to admit it.  It’s random, all over the place, and at differing times, but sitting with someone and actually “working” through the process is exactly what it took for me to be where I am today and I have zero regrets.  My hope and goal is to be the best version of myself that I can be not only for me but for my children.  No excuses.  Less judgmental, more aware and resilient in my boundaries in ALL relationships, more kind, and most of all more loving to myself and in turn those around me. 

  I’m grateful to all who have helped me along the way, including those who were a part of the tougher aspects of the journey, the painful aspects.  The one’s I see in the rearview and yet I can smile deeply and know I did my best and will continue to do so, and hoping I helped them along on their own journey.  Knowing I’ve faced the demons of my past, worked tirelessly to understand, accept and embrace all that I am, I can look in the mirror and know that being in love means loving who and what I am first and foremost, and loving what is indeed in the mirror right before me.  No arrogance, no cockiness, just a love of who I am.  I am confident that continuing to do so will someday find me in a place where a partner of the same ilk stands before me fully in love with herself, complete, whole, and willing to do the work!  There’s nothing sexier than confidence and that starts with self-love through and through.  An often used cliché, that consequently makes me uncomfortable, is “you complete me”.  In my eyes that statement should read “you compliment me”.  Seek out those like Jordan, who exude and reciprocate the energy that lies within you.  Find and cultivate the possibilities for synergistic, equal, and divine love! Do the work internally and watch the beauty flow from within.  Be willing to accept yourself fully and meet others right in the middle.  Do not look, or expect, for something within another that you do not possess within yourself, or are not willing to cultivate and share.  It’s not about “change”….it’s about “growth”.  So go out, find yourself, discover the untapped possibilities, harness what’s inside, meditate, cooperate, collaborate, compromise when it’s reciprocated, refine where necessary but above all…look within and you shall never find yourself without!  Live with your heart wide open....love from the inside out!  Everything you “need” lies within you!

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