Unbearable Witness

My body is slowly beginning to accept its time on the yoga mat; however my mind is lagging behind in this process, an unbearable witness to its own silence and stillness. My joints, muscles, and tissue are all beginning to find their way, in this “practice” of yoga. I’m elated as I am finding ease into, through, and among the asanas. Slowly I’m finding my way, and yet I am not sure that there is a destination at all. Frankly, I’m unsure if I want there to be a destination as that would mean I’ve reached the end, so to speak, of a journey. I’m quickly becoming content in this process and realizing that there could truly be no end to the practice of yoga. I am sharing this journey with so many others. The fall yoga challenge seems to be packed full of participants. Our first group meeting saw us completely encircling the room, packed to the hilt, all quietly sitting and listening to one another tell why we are there. A very eclectic and diverse group from all walks of life, all corners of the town, and varied in our reasons for spending so much time on our mats this month. Their faces are beginning to become familiar. Unrolling our mats before class, looking round quietly, you realize there is a kindred spirit when we share that hour and a half on our mats. Each of us walking a separate path, but unmistakably joined on some inexplicable pane. In the space of those four walls we share innocence and a completeness that you can’t quite describe.

While I listened to my peers talk about their reasoning, desires, and needs for practicing yoga so much, I found that when it came my time to speak, I shared the obvious reasons (at least to me) that I was there. I was hurt from years of climbing (read: falling) and sparring (read: getting punched and kicked in the face), yet as each day goes by I am finding that my quest is so much deeper than that. My internal wiring doesn’t often afford me the ability to sit still and just enjoy the silence. I turn inward as we flow through the asanas and I find that the challenge to my body is quite fun and energizing, and yet the monumental challenge on my mat is turning off all of the white noise from the day, from this life, and from the sounds that surround me. I feel as though my own mind is reluctant to participate, and I find myself planning dinner, chores for me and the kids, etc. Each time I step onto my mat I feel my mind fighting, refusing to bear witness to this amazing process. I am gaining ground and when I do find that pinpoint focus, when I am able to go within and silence the cacophony within, I’m startled by the way my body and mind begin to work in unison. I almost feel utter elation and maybe bliss (did I just use that word?). I am more able to meet the challenges that my day brings with a bit of wonderful abandonment. I am not saying that I disregard that which needs to be done; I am simply saying that I face the day to day with a bit more perception than before my journey began. I see the obstacles, and yet I am able to remain calmer as I work through them. I feel as though I can stand before so much that would have left me flustered before and merely take the time to embrace whatever that may be. I’m able to see it, feel it, and work through it. I’m finding more quiet in this world, and the byproduct is a “self” that is more conducive to being a better "me". Maybe it’s merely a side of me that has always been, but prior to this experience that me has remained locked deep within.

I am slowly finding that space within more often, and yet still I find the times when my mind wants to be its own man, its own entity and go off on its merry way. As I dive deeper into meditation I am learning that it is such an integral part of yoga. I am also learning that therein lies my biggest challenge. I can slowly, gently, and maybe sometimes with a bit of grit, work my way deeper into the poses, but I cannot use shear willpower to silence my mind. I am intrigued and hooked all at once. I am falling for that space where I find the solitude, the quiet. My mat has become a place of peace; my mind has become a sanctuary. All I have to do is continue to practice, continue to strive for that space, and continue to be open to the process. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, that the busy mind is far from the anomaly which I had perceived, and is actually quite normal. I am not sure, but I believe that the essence of yoga may be learning to join the two together…body and mind as one. As cliché as it may sound, I am witness to the fact that giving in and pursuing this practice is, by far, one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I am learning that there is more within, and that simply being silent, listening, and letting go are merely the beginning. There is more in there and on my mat. Where my mind was once an unbearable witness I am finding that with gentleness and persistence I can watch as the unruly becomes one with this experience. I am free during these moments and I crave the next one more than the last.