There's a vast emptiness within all of us. An unexplored oasis beckoning to us, calling us in. There's so much inside of us that goes unused, unnoticed, untapped, and rarely understood. While the notion that we only use 10% of our brains rests more in popular folklore than scientific theory, and clearly there are studies in brain physiology that actually suggest most if not all areas of the brain have function, it's hard to believe that there isn't something deeper than just our physical brain. I dare not open the argument of whether or not we have a soul, but I find it hard to believe that someone can believe that there isn't something deeper. Regardless of others beliefs, I feel as though there is so much more beyond our thoughts, brains, or however you'd like to word it. There's a space within, regardless of your religion, beliefs, or lack thereof, that is begging to be explored if only we'd take the time to slow down and do so. I know as I've taken this journey down a quiet inner rode (yoga), not just this time, but in the past as well, I find this space when I devote myself to slowing down, listening to something deeper, and quieting my mind. I am unsure what to call it, whether it's as deep and boundless as I imagine, but I feel like it's an empty canvas, waiting for all the vibrant rich colors I dare to throw at it. I find myself searching for this space within when I am quiet in my yoga practice, meditating, walking, or just finding that place where my mind finally shuts up. I find myself more centered when I can merely step foot into this place. Like a sacred journey, ShubhYatra, into the unknown.

  It's not just during yoga that I find myself staring into this unknown. There are times when I've been climbing and I seem to just flow over stone. If you are a climber, and have been for any respectable amount of time, I am sure that you too have experienced this state of grace. That sensation where you are literally dancing with gravity, gently finding your way over a difficult piece of stone, gliding and utterly free. If you've experienced such freedom then it inevitably brings you back each time, searching for that grace, craving that dance. Within the space of your heart, and your mind, you continue climbing, searching for those moments, those climbs where you are so free and feel an elation that only one who has been there knows. It's something that seems so incomprehensible to a person who hasn't gone that deep. It seems mystical and whimsical all at once. So often we are asked why we climb, what's the appeal, and why we risk it all. I firmly believe that in doing so, in risking so much, in quieting our mind in the face of such great peril, only then can we tap into that beautiful pristine place within that we cannot explore under normal circumstances.

  I'm not sure what brings you inwards to this space, or if you have even experienced it or tried to set off in search of it, but I know that if you have, then you understand. It seems so ironic that we cruise through this life on auto pilot, stopping to explore deeper so infrequently. As a western culture we seem almost cynical about the possibilities. I know it's there, and I truly relish the moments when I can stick my head through that door and peer inside. I've heard of ultra runners experiencing something similar. I know that I've been there even while simply running some of my favorite trails. I've felt the air beneath my feet and a lightness that has set me free. I've even experienced something of the sort while sparring. It's as if you can see, feel, and hear your opponent making a move before they actually do.

  I love the landscape within us and yet I must struggle to connect with these moments, with this space. Much like the rest of society, I often feel that my over taxed brain is 100% in control. All cognitive thought is in order. All circuits are firing. I wonder if our upbringing brings us to a place of misinformed logic, or are we truly at our maximum potential for a species. I'm not certain I know more than the next guy, but I do feel this space whirling inside of me. As I age, learn, grow, and blossom, I am more curious about what's beyond. I don't mean what's beyond this life, as I'm not in a hurry to get there, but what's beyond our thoughts. What's in there? Am I the only one out there wondering if I've reached this point? I'm quite certain of the fact that I am not, but I'm less certain of the fact that it's acceptable to discuss these days.

  Regardless of your stance on the subject, I implore you to listen closely the next time you are pushed to your limits, and can sense that there is actually more buried inside of you! I challenge you to be gentle, and reach towards that “more”. I hope that we can all get to a place where our curiosity gently nudges us out into a place where we become disenchanted with the status quo, with being okay with just being okay. I believe that we are so much more capable, that we are so much more than just human beings on auto pilot through this life. I know that personally I have reached a place in life where I am comfortable, incredibly happy, and yet I'm unsatisfied with just coasting into the end. I want to explore beyond what I know, have known, and what society tells me is the limit. I have seen happiness beyond description in a place half way around the world, in a people with FAR less than we have, and that happiness was genuine and to the core. I know that it is out there for all of us, and I'm willing to step into that blank canvas and continue to take whatever moments I can within that place, relishing each breath. I'm willing to push off from the safety of shore and take off on a journey into the unknown, a sacred journey.....Shubh Yatra! Like a flower blooming from an unsuspecting, seemingly empty space, we too have the ability to flourish in a space seemingly uninhabitable.

International Mountain Leadership Institute - Spring 2013 Guide Training

  Here are some of the images from our program in Leh, India this spring.  If you'd like to help support our projects, please visit our website.  We cannot do it without your support.

www.mountainleadership.org

Unbearable Witness

My body is slowly beginning to accept its time on the yoga mat; however my mind is lagging behind in this process, an unbearable witness to its own silence and stillness. My joints, muscles, and tissue are all beginning to find their way, in this “practice” of yoga. I’m elated as I am finding ease into, through, and among the asanas. Slowly I’m finding my way, and yet I am not sure that there is a destination at all. Frankly, I’m unsure if I want there to be a destination as that would mean I’ve reached the end, so to speak, of a journey. I’m quickly becoming content in this process and realizing that there could truly be no end to the practice of yoga. I am sharing this journey with so many others. The fall yoga challenge seems to be packed full of participants. Our first group meeting saw us completely encircling the room, packed to the hilt, all quietly sitting and listening to one another tell why we are there. A very eclectic and diverse group from all walks of life, all corners of the town, and varied in our reasons for spending so much time on our mats this month. Their faces are beginning to become familiar. Unrolling our mats before class, looking round quietly, you realize there is a kindred spirit when we share that hour and a half on our mats. Each of us walking a separate path, but unmistakably joined on some inexplicable pane. In the space of those four walls we share innocence and a completeness that you can’t quite describe.

While I listened to my peers talk about their reasoning, desires, and needs for practicing yoga so much, I found that when it came my time to speak, I shared the obvious reasons (at least to me) that I was there. I was hurt from years of climbing (read: falling) and sparring (read: getting punched and kicked in the face), yet as each day goes by I am finding that my quest is so much deeper than that. My internal wiring doesn’t often afford me the ability to sit still and just enjoy the silence. I turn inward as we flow through the asanas and I find that the challenge to my body is quite fun and energizing, and yet the monumental challenge on my mat is turning off all of the white noise from the day, from this life, and from the sounds that surround me. I feel as though my own mind is reluctant to participate, and I find myself planning dinner, chores for me and the kids, etc. Each time I step onto my mat I feel my mind fighting, refusing to bear witness to this amazing process. I am gaining ground and when I do find that pinpoint focus, when I am able to go within and silence the cacophony within, I’m startled by the way my body and mind begin to work in unison. I almost feel utter elation and maybe bliss (did I just use that word?). I am more able to meet the challenges that my day brings with a bit of wonderful abandonment. I am not saying that I disregard that which needs to be done; I am simply saying that I face the day to day with a bit more perception than before my journey began. I see the obstacles, and yet I am able to remain calmer as I work through them. I feel as though I can stand before so much that would have left me flustered before and merely take the time to embrace whatever that may be. I’m able to see it, feel it, and work through it. I’m finding more quiet in this world, and the byproduct is a “self” that is more conducive to being a better "me". Maybe it’s merely a side of me that has always been, but prior to this experience that me has remained locked deep within.

I am slowly finding that space within more often, and yet still I find the times when my mind wants to be its own man, its own entity and go off on its merry way. As I dive deeper into meditation I am learning that it is such an integral part of yoga. I am also learning that therein lies my biggest challenge. I can slowly, gently, and maybe sometimes with a bit of grit, work my way deeper into the poses, but I cannot use shear willpower to silence my mind. I am intrigued and hooked all at once. I am falling for that space where I find the solitude, the quiet. My mat has become a place of peace; my mind has become a sanctuary. All I have to do is continue to practice, continue to strive for that space, and continue to be open to the process. I’ve learned, and continue to learn, that the busy mind is far from the anomaly which I had perceived, and is actually quite normal. I am not sure, but I believe that the essence of yoga may be learning to join the two together…body and mind as one. As cliché as it may sound, I am witness to the fact that giving in and pursuing this practice is, by far, one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I am learning that there is more within, and that simply being silent, listening, and letting go are merely the beginning. There is more in there and on my mat. Where my mind was once an unbearable witness I am finding that with gentleness and persistence I can watch as the unruly becomes one with this experience. I am free during these moments and I crave the next one more than the last.

A Sea of Silence

I have been a risk taker from birth. I’m quite certain that I brought both parents to the brink of myocardial infarction numerous times as I learned to walk, and more notably, began to climb up on things and see if I could jump off. I have never been good at resting, especially mentally. My mind is a vibrant mess of chaos but I think I’ve done pretty well with that trait. It’s never held me back and in fact I believe it makes me excel and more than anything, it keeps me young. I was once called by one of my professors a “brilliant muli-tasker”. I seem to have embraced the dynamics that lie within me. I don’t really have issues staying on task, I just want to get the task done and get to the next one. I’m not an adrenaline junkie, I just tend to gravitate towards those things that leave the biggest mark on my psyche. I was given this body, this life, and this time, as a gift and I TRULY understand that, and therefore I want to use it, feel it, and live it to its fullest. My sense of adventure goes so far back, probably to the day I was born. I’m always innovating, and looking for ways to better a process. I remember being young and my mom finding a string of French fries tied together in my pocket, and at the end I had tied a little dead frog. I still laugh when she brings it up, but I’m pretty sure there was something completely ingenious about that. I probably thought I could save the world like McGyver…one fry at a time! I was a rambunctious kid ready to tangle, get dirty, jump my cape laden body from any high point, and I mostly just had one speed..GO! I wonder now that I am a parent just how my folks did it.

Being called a “adrenaline junkie” just never clicked with me. I’m a “life junkie” through and through. I want to go until I can’t go anymore. I wanna mix it up, mash it up, spit it out, and just grab life by the horns. The clock is ticking and no one is getting out alive so I guess my whole wiring scheme just tells me to go! Getting hurt is just a part of this mess and to me you can count the life in one’s years by the scars and stories that emblazon their bodies and souls. I’ve got no shortage of those, nor do I think that what I have will be all that I leave this world with. Getting through life’s injuries is just a part of it, but slowing down has been something that I’ve always struggled with. One of my favorite sayings is “you’ll get all the rest you need when you’re dead”. Unfortunately, some of my injuries have been traumatic and life changing. I’m the king of concussions through and through. I’ve taken so many of the aforementioned leaps from high places, only to lose my battle with gravity and consciousness. Add another cognitive recalibration to the program. Yet I cannot fathom the thought of resting on my laurels as this life passes me by. This is me, it’s what I am, and I am what I am.

Taking on this “yoga challenge” seems a paradox to my life, at best, and a true challenge if nothing else. I have to slow my roll to do this. I have to embrace the silence and let my body feel that it is okay to stop my supersonic momentum for a moment, and to relax, be quiet, and to take my body to a place it isn’t too familiar with anymore. I find a quiet in the studio as I work through my practice. In only a short time I have found this space that I knew existed (from my past yoga experience) but I have been reluctant to allow this space to enter my world. I find it fascinating to just sit and listen to the sounds around me as the masses ease into Sukhasana (Easy Pose) my body creaks, cracks, settles, and I find grounding, yet my mind finds the pose anything but “easy”. I’m learning to embrace the silence and to let my body slowly slither down into the earth. I have once again found the peace in that single, simple pose, and I smile slightly as I feel my body slowly releasing, and my mind gently locked in the pugilistic nature that it has so long held on to. I don’t want to “let go” and relax, and yet I persist, listening to the sea of breath around me. I hear the echoes of chaos within slowly fading into the waves of breathing and the subtle sounds of all the bodies coming to a place of rest. I wonder with each breath if anyone else struggles to just sit quietly, and then it comes to me suddenly, silently, it doesn’t matter! This is my place on my mat. This is my time to embrace the silence. It’s my time to let go and prepare my mind for the coming challenge that I will face in the next hour and a half. I’m learning to be unafraid in this space, I’m learning to let my mind go and let it surf upon the waves in this sea of silence. It’s a place I find myself looking forward to now, and yet I know it will take time to fully embrace.

When I’m there silently melting into Sukhasana the byproducts of my busy day dissolve into nothing. At times, depending on where I sit, I can see the candlelight softly flickering through my closed eyes. I love this place, I love the sounds around me, and again, I find myself unafraid. If I gain nothing more from this experience, I am grateful to have found the ability to relax in the silence and to let so much go. As I sit here waiting for tonight’s practice I am craving those minutes of peace. I know my knee is getting better, and I feel less residual pain from my life of abusing this vessel I was given, but I am quickly seeing that there is so much more to this process than just the physical gain. In those minutes in Sukhasana I am awaken by the deafening silence that surrounds me.

The Challenge

My life has always been mercurial at best. Just when I think I have it figured out, it takes a twist, a turn, or a detour that I hadn’t expected. As the years pass I become more and more comfortable with this journey. I don’t need a destination, only a desire to keep the adventure going. The years have been so chocked full of “detours” that I can scarcely remember a time when I didn’t take a side route to get where I was going. Likewise, I can’t imagine another way. I’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy, in relation to work and goals. Give me the work and get out of my way. I’ll get there, I’ll figure it out, and I’ll get through in order to get to where I am going. I’ve always been a bit goal oriented and when I make up my mind to do something, to say that I am “driven” can usually seem like a gross understatement. Roadblocks, detours, or any bump in the road, just becomes a part of the journey. As I move through this life I find myself noticing these things more. Not in angst or anger, but in a way where I start to see these things as part of the overall picture. It’s just part of the process and I might as well learn to enjoy these challenges as opposed to whining or letting them stop my forward momentum. In my mind, it is better to take a moment and enjoy the challenge than to simply throw your arms up and quit. I’ve gained so very much from the little detours in my life and I’m quite certain that I would not be who I am today without the struggles, without the curves in the road, without the challenges. If life were easy, it’d be boring.

And so it is that I find myself once again wandering from the path that I have become so accustomed to. I’ve spent the last 4 years going through trials that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. First a devastating injury from a climbing fall which gave me the opportunity to learn to walk again. That’s right, I said “opportunity” because I learned how fortunate I am to even be able to do so. I endured a brutal divorce only to become a better man, and a better father. I found a way to truly express all the fight and rage that was encompassed within me by returning to my roots, by finding an outlet over the last 4 years, and that outlet has been fighting. Training in the gym, sparring, rollin’…MMA. It too has become a journey but one that I find myself detoured from once again. It has/had become so much of my life that when I recently hurt my knee, I figured it was just another injury that I’d plow through and get back on my road. Where was this road ever taking me? I have no clue, but it has been one heck of a ride. This time is different though. The knee injury is by all accounts pretty serious. I say serious because “not” going into the gym to train, to spar, etc…that’s serious business to me. It’s what I do! So I’ve had to slow my roll once again. I’ve tried going in and “taking it easy” but apparently I’m not good at that. So I’ve had to look at some other opportunities, some different challenges, and some things I can do to keep the fires stoked, and so as I did years ago when I suffered a bad back injury, I have turned again to Yoga.

Yoga isn’t new to me. As I said, I spent a long time, years ago, discovering yoga and delving into it for about a year. I, along with my doctor, were really quite amazed that the difference a dedicated yoga practice made in the rehabilitation of my back injury. I kept to it for a while, but slowly it fell to the wayside as my life transitioned into owning my own guide service, having a full time job, and being a dad. There just didn’t seem to be time for yoga. Jump forward to winter of 2011. I was preparing to go to India, to climb in the Himalayas, and had started to deal with some very serious injuries from all my fighting. My girlfriend had continually hounded me to slow down and listen to my body. Needless to say I didn’t want to listen to her, much less my body. I was on a roll, getting super fit, and fighting better than I ever had before. Martial Arts had a hold on me and had returned to my life in a big way. I fell in love with Muay Thai while still in high school, and had trained hard for about 4 years around that time. My girl was so gentle, and yet so persistant, and yet I was so completely determined to spend all of my time in the gym. Finally I relented just so I could spend some time with her doing what she was so passionate about. I went to a yoga class with her at Yoga Durango.

It felt good, it felt right, as was the case all those years before my body responded. When I got to India I could feel the effects of restarting a practice in yoga. I was much calmer, more limber, more settled, and I felt a tremendous amount of peace. I figured it was 2 parts my yoga practice, and one part the place I was in. So, I came home and continued to go to yoga as much as possible, but once again the fighting took a hold of me. My yoga practice took a back seat to my desire to fight. Now I am unable to get into the gym and train. My girlfriend has watched it all and endured the pain with me. She has been silent witness to the agony both physically and mentally. Her words always kind and gentle, but repeatedly I’d hear her utter the same statement.. “you need yoga”. So last week I relented and went to my favorite class. Candlelight Vinyasa. My friend Amber, simply stated, has an amazing practice and shares it in a very real way. I love her classes and being on Friday nights, after a long week, well that sure doesn’t hurt. As I was checking in to her class she said “you should do the Fall Yoga Challenge”. What is it you ask? Yoga, 4 times a week, for one month along with two group meetings. As my body moved through the poses over the next hour, my mind instantly felt the effects along with my body. I was home. I quickly found the peace in the rhythm, the silence in the asana. My mind was calm. I walked out last night knowing that I had accepted her challenge….

As I stop and read what I’ve written above, I laugh to myself. How cyclical my life can be?! Train hard, get hurt, rest, yoga, repeat. It’s different now. I have a woman by my side who really gets me. She sees right through the façade and seems to see me for all that I am. She sits silently and watches as I put my body through the grind, and then she’s there to help me up (literally) and gently push me to “find my way” and to explore the “other path”. For me yoga is the road less traveled, and yet I find myself here once again embracing that time on my mat. I began the challenge last night with Hot Vinyasa. Have I mentioned my TOTAL disdain for heat? Give me arctic yoga and I’d show up naked and smiling, but I figured if I’m going to accept this “challenge”, this detour, I was going to make the best of it and really step out beyond my comfort zone. As I left class last night, I stepped out onto the street to a stunningly clear, star filled, frigid, rocky mountain sky. The air seemed infused with life, or was it just me? Had I found that peace again? After only an hour? Time will tell, but I am up to this challenge. I am open to what I find there. The challenge to me is to slow down, don’t abuse my body, and realize that being kind to my body may not be such a bad thing. Who knows, maybe this detour is actually the route I am supposed to be on.