It isn’t often that we are stripped of all that we know. Rarely is a person left lying in the darkness with an empty bed, an empty heart, an aching soul, and a spirit left in a frightening abyss. When this happens to a man, he has but few options; fight or flight. You can run from reality, but reality will inevitably win. You can hide from the truth, but nothing has the stamina of the truth. When the odds are slim, when your spirit is broken, and when the only thing you have left is the obstinate belief in the good within; then and only then can you fight from the soul. It is at this point, when you are stripped of your armor, that you can truly reach deep within for the arsenal within your heart. The pain of reality pierces your heart, yet the immeasurable good around you heals the hurt. Tragedy and injustice abound, but no one can keep down the spirit that lies deep within.
We all learn to fight for what we believe in. When you believe in the love in your heart, the future of your family, and the good of a “vow” you learn to fight in new ways. You find that you are alone on this battlefield. Your opponent is wicked and strange. The eyes you peer into are unrecognizable; the words from her mouth are harsh and unkind. The actions inflict wounds that shall never heal, yet you carry on. Through the careful introspection of what lies within, you slowly realize that the fight before you is not what you thought. What you thought was the truth for so long has evolved into an ever spiraling lie. The comfort you felt in her touch was absolute, yet in reality it was calculating and cunning. The years spent cultivating your love for her seems like wasted time. Immeasurable in their value, the years seem a blur. You stand before God and your fellow man fooled, stripped of your humanity, humbled by the love around you, yet unsure of what to do next.
Your choice is obvious. You must fight. The definition of what it means to “fight” evolves with each passing day. As time passes you realize the deceit only grows in its intensity and the breadth for which it reaches. With the support of those around you, you slowly put your life back together. You feel the arms reaching under yours, picking you back up, and dusting the dirt from your face. As time passes you begin to regain your strength and stamina. The world before me becomes more enlightened. The radiance of the love which circumvents all I am fuels me and fills my lungs with life. Clarity reaches deep within and what is required of me is more evident than ever. I cannot fight to fix what is not there. I cannot take back the years spent in a lie. I can only look to tomorrow and the lives that matter to me now – my kids and myself – and fight on. Move forward into the raging battle that is sure to await me. The tactics of love and kindness which I have surrounded myself with thus far are slowly being replaced by an unconquerable will and desire to emerge from this hell as a better person. To emerge with a sense of justice, and a future free of the iniquity that has surrounded me. When I walk from this battle, it will be with my head high.
The battle before me may not be against an enemy that is evident to me or those by my side. The enemy may merely be the inability of understanding. The confusion before me plagues me and is but a soldier of the darkness I must pass through. The battles I must fight are battles of my choosing. These will be selected carefully. I refuse to fight against ignorance, lies, deceit and blame. I will only fight for a better tomorrow for the three souls that matter most. This shall prove to be a battle of attrition. There is no easy way forward, no written script, and no battle plan. I can only walk before my God and my children with a conscience free of immorality. I walk forward from this point forward with little but the clothes on my back, but I have a heart filled with love and a conscience luminous and free. The tactics I choose are chosen carefully. Each step taken delicately. The little lives that you are responsible for are all that matter. Their tomorrow is essential and all encompassing. The pain and hurt you have been through matter little at this point. The fight you face will be long, full of pain, full of lies, and full of hurt, but you will not regret from this day forward. What is done is done and you cannot fix the unfixable. You will inflict only what you must, you will take any pain you can. You will shelter the little souls around you; surround them with love, laughter, and an abundant life. The tomorrow you fight for is always a day beyond today. The fight will go on, but fight on you will. Until the end.
** Usque ad finem: "To the very end". Often used in reference to battle, implying a willingness to keep fighting until you die.
26 comments:
BAD ASS. Very raw and real. Very eloquent. I feel like I just watched Braveheart. I love it Jim. I'm there with you whether you think so or not.
A MASTERPIECE in my book. Surviving this is real and a true testament to who you are. God speed and good luck.
A new reader in Canada.
It's the commitment to what's beyond the battles that always inspire me when I watch the Trilogy of the Lord of the Rings, "You have myself and my sword I will fight by your side to the death". That's true loyalty and brotherly love for a greater cause beyond the battle and ensues.
Stand tall my Brother in Arms.
J
Wow Jim, what a way with words you possess. You make this family very proud for the man you have become. God Bless you and your kids. You are in our prayers.
Ahhh Jim. Another great one. I LOVE reading your writing. I'm sad to be seeing this so close and on a daily basis. I have seen you struggle and lull in the silence. I have also seen you rise up as you are now. Again and again you get up and keep going. I love your spirit and what you represent.
“The radiance of the love which circumvents all I am fuels me and fills my lungs with life”
“When I walk from this battle, it will be with my head high.”
“The tomorrow you fight for is always a day beyond today.”
Jim ,
I had to go back and read this a couple of times. Your words really sunk in for me this time. You are a true wordsmith. I am continually left scratching my head and wondering how the “horrible man” was worthy of such pain. I gave up the more I got to know you. I see imperfections as well, but I see so much good and feel so good when in your presence. Your eyes are full of hope and you are always trying to lighten the spirit of those around you. You are a Gladiator of the Soul. You truly do believe in what is good in this world. I hope that others will see that side of you. I am blessed to have had this much time in your circle. I look forward to seeing the evolution of this man and the battle that rages will be fought with dignity and respect. THAT IS WHO YOU ARE JIM.
SJD
JBM-
PREACH ON, BROTHER!!!
Regardless of who reads this post, each will walk away with what I hope is a bit of enlightenment. We all know the little battles you are fighting every day, but maybe your words will give hope to someone who is fighting their own little battles.
However, what I hope for the most is that when your fight is over you will be standing on a new field of glory. That you will have come out the other side a warrior, just like you wrote about. That day is coming soon, Jim. I can feel it. Every subsequent post you write tells us that you are winning the battle, bit by bit...that your kids are weathering the awful storm with love in their hearts and what seems to be a fierce protectiveness of their dad. The one thing you can be certain of is the unconditional love those two souls pour out to you. They are a reflection of you...of the goodness in you. They are going to be all the things you hoped they'd be: smart, funny, caring, compassionate, loving and true friends. Their dad is the epitome of all that.
We love your words and take them to heart. Keep slogging through the trenches, my friend, for that field of glory awaits you on the other side.
I love what Amy and Sandra said. You are a gift Jim. I was reading back through comments and reflecting on this man that I have come to know here in Durango. What a truly moving soul you are. You really make people think with your words and it fills me with joy to see the thought provoking writing that pours from within you. I too find myself “scratching my head” and wondering how someone like you comes into this life. I am sorry for what you have gone through, yet I am happy to know this man. I knew you prior to this and you were a damn fine man then, but now you go beyond what I could imagine. You always fought and argued your point, stood behind what you believed in. This isn’t a shock. Your battlefield is VAST and I just picture you walking calmly along with your children behind you. Oooh! It just makes me want to stand and walk across with you. To fight for something good and just in my life. To participate in the transition from utter destruction to eternal bliss and happiness. Gosh I am proud to know you. I ABSOLUTELY love following your blog. I pass it on to my girlfriends every chance that I get. You keep walking Jim and I’ll be right there with you.
I have found in my life that when I was fighting for what I considered my survival; mental, emotional, spiritual etc.. that I truly was able to maintain a sense of self survival, but when I stopped fighting I began to heal and didn't have to worry about just surviving, but thats when I began living. God doesn't require to to fight for His love, His love never changes. Hope I get a chance to visit you in the near future.
Good stuff my friend. You keep losing weight and doing all that climbing and kickboxing, you are going to look like one mean ass warrior.
Jeff
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage.
~ Lao-Tzu
For you Jim, for I know FIRST hand how deeply you loved her. Take that courage and walk forward.
Hi Jim,
I read your writing about the fight ahead of you. It sounds like you are very determined to get through this with the smallest amount of pain for you and your kids as possible. I have no doubt you will succeed. I could read the deterimination in your words. I could read your articles all day and never get tired of them. YOu are a very gifted writer; keep 'em coming! I hope everything turns out the way you want it to. You have our love and support.
Aunt Deb
Hey Jimmy-jack,
As always this is beautiful. I also noticed you changed some stuff on your Facebook !!! I think it is evident that you are a deep man who has been through hell and BACK. Your love for your kids AND YOUR WIFE is evident to anyone who takes the time to really read your writing. Many have said it: it's okay to love her. It's okay! So many people have learned through your experience and your writing. To love, to hope, to hurt, to be angry, to heal, to move forward, to never stop looking back, and to love like there is no tomorrow. Humility is one of the things I feel most in your writing. Accepting what we've done wrong and acknowledging that then moving on. From this post I feel like it is okay to know when to fight and to fight hard. Whatever this battle is that you are preparing for, you will prevail. You are an amazing soul and a warrior on so many levels. I love that about you. I also love that you can admit your love to this woman who has obviously touched your soul. If only we could all be as real as you and unafraid to just say what is in our hearts.
Diane
Watching you "fight" and struggle through this to where you are today, has been like watching the most graceful of fighters. You are a champ in my book.
I can feel your pain and your strength burning throu me- inspiring me to be more. Using both the rage and the truth to remind us we are alive. Then a pure uncensored love that brings me to another state of mind. TY JIM- I enjoy your perspective!
Heather D
I don't give a crap what is happening in your life, you always write so well. It makes my heart pound to read your stuff. Keep it up bro!
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