It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I have been battling the demons of my injury. The slow trickling realization that I may be changed forever. The surreal epiphany that my life may have been changed in my fall from grace. I still maintain my upbeat spirit and my unwavering will to fight. I won't quit and I won't back down. I have just been taking things one day at a time. The stitches are out, the dead skin has fallen away and the swelling is just about as far gone as it will ever be. But still I am left with a grotesque reminder of that day. The day it all changed. I'll get back to the "look" of my foot.

I carry on with a heart filled with hope and the fight that I have possessed my entire life. I have spent hours, even days, wondering what I will be like in a year. I am constantly told that "you will never be the same" and I constantly find that little smirk arising when I am told such things. How could anyone just accept that. Just quit. Just throw in the towel. I try and find inspiration where I can. My therapist (Eric) gives me new hope every time I see him. He won't let me accept any negativity. When I say "someone told me so and so" he just says, "yeah but that isn't you". He pushes me beyond what I perceive as my limit. I cheek crawl (that is a sweet phrase if only you can picture it) up the table as he manipulates my foot and pushes it to its limit(s). When I walked in to PhysicalTherapy (PT) I wondered why the table were so damn long....now I know. They are that way so that you don't cheek shuffle right off the back of the thing. Eric is a source of positive energy in my little world of struggle.

I had another HUGE pick me up this week. A friend I have known since sixth grade contacted me via that little Facespace thingy. Her name is Chas and we go WAY THE HELL back. Not only were we in sixth grade together, but high school as well. We were never super close but there was an incident in sixth grade where I had just moved to California and some pricks were getting their pick on. So Chas was pretty popular (all the way through high school too) and she stepped in and gave those jack asses a few words. I remember it like it was yesterday. Anyhow, her husband (Kai) and I were a bit closer as friends go. Ran with the same circle, etc. I have wondered for YEARS what ever happened to those guys. My son is named after Kai (in a round about sort of way) so he/they were never far from my thoughts. So she found me and we chatted online last night and I just laughed at some of the memories that came flooding back. The proverbial damn, that blocks out a lot of our past, came crashing down and the flood of memories was AMAZING. I laughed out loud, several times. The irony is/was that I was having a tough day. My pain was out of control (again) and I still refuse to take pain killers, so her little pick me up COULD NOT have come at a better time. For about an hour, I didn't think of anything but good times and good friends. Thanks Chas.

So today I get home and grab this little laptop and decide it is time to chime in on the ol' blog. I plug in my headphones, open up Itunes and just hit play for some random tunes. What comes on????? Staind's 'It's Been A While'. Sometimes I get a little spooked by little things. This happened to be one of them. If you haven't heard the tune...well you are an idiot, just kidding. Here I was thinking about the past, life, my future, my pain and on pops this little diddy. Not to be a cheese puff (that's pronounced poof in some states) but I'll put the lyrics below. So much of that song rings true right now. My relation to the song jumps all over but the part where it says "It's been a while since I could hold my head up high" and then "It's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again"....wow. That is just plain creepy. Then a lot of it I can relate to the little odyssey that this whole thing has taken my wife and kids on...like.."and it's been a while since I said I'm sorry". I just can't help but feel like I not only hurt myself but I put an incredible strain on the people that typically lean on me and that I support.

Okay- about my swollen foot. My son walks in today as I am firing up this little machine of joy to write on this little blog, and he says to me "dad- your foot just stays swollen". I tell him "kid it looks about as good as it ever will". Then he says one of those little things that only another parent could understand. One of those little Innocent things that he couldn't possibly understand the magnitude of its meaning to me.. he says "dad at least you might be able to walk again and maybe climb....well I think you'd climb again even if you couldn't walk ever again". The kid gets it !!!

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Staind - It's Been A While

It's been a while

Since I could hold my head up high

and it's been a while

Since I first saw you

It's been a while

since i could stand on my own two feet again

and it's been a while

since i could call you

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem

the consequences that I've rendered

I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while

since i could say that i wasn't addicted and

It's been a while

Since I could say I love myself as well and

It's been a while

Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do

It's been a while

But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem

the consequences that I've rendered

I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must i feel this way?

just make this go away

just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile

Since I could look at myself straight

and it's been awhile

since i said I'm sorry

It's been awhile

Since I've seen the way the candles light your face

It's been awhile

But I can still remember just the way you taste

But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem

I know it's me i cannot blame this on my father

he did the best he could for me

It's been a while

Since I could hold my head up high

and it's been a while since i said I'm sorry