Fear can be a
tremendous weight on the scales of life and hope the great equalizer. All too often we let our fear dictate our
path. Unlike many other experiences,
fear can stop us dead in our tracks.
Whether it’s a fear of failure, heights, water, violence, the unknown,
or any other experience we label as “fearful”, these experiences can act as a
road block to greater things beyond that heavy burden you carry. While I have made it my life’s work to face
my fears head on, crush them (if possible), or just reshape my perception of
that fear in order to move past it, around it, over it, or straight through
it. I’ve made it my goal to NOT let fear
be the factor that finds me languishing in that stagnant space where my life is
not moving forward. I’ve been fairly
successful and yet one of my own personal fears seems to always tip the scales
and leave me defenseless to its power, cowering at its feet, and utterly unable
to get through it. In this case, that
fear is the fear of letting a potential partner in too close. It seems that only two relationships in my
life, their subsequent failures, and the ensuing pain, have left me in a place
of stagnant development, devoid of the ability to progress in a relationship
beyond anything but the most basic level of interaction. I tend to clam up and shut down when I meet a
woman and I realize I am opening up and becoming vulnerable. I process it in my mind and often rationalize
(in my mind) that this is all just too fast, precocious in nature, and I need
to just go back to my safe space. I tend
to face my demons head on, and with a zest for a good fight, and yet this one
demon has all too often found me walking away from something that had potential
to be incredible, beautiful, and meaningful.
It’s not only irrational
in many senses, but it goes against the very essence of my being. To let fear hold us back is, to me, one of
the great travesty’s of our ability as humans to connect within our society. On a more personal level it’s made it hard to
even imagine meeting, getting to know, and ultimately falling in love with a
woman again. It’s irrational I know, but
it’s my demon to slay and thus far I’ve been pretty unsuccessful. I’m an incredibly energetic man, driven to a
fault, and immensely passionate in the things (and people) I love. Trying to find the balance again after some
painful losses has been remarkably challenging.
There’s little more at the foundation of life that I love more than
simply to LOVE. To perfect it, be with
it, express it, and to honor it, and yet it seems to elude me even when it’s so
close. I realize that timing is
everything and being by myself is actually a very good thing but I know all too
well the negative side of keeping that pattern going simply for the sake of NOT
exposing myself to pain again. I know
(even beyond relationships) that to not risk is to never gain. My life without risks would likely lull me
into a sad and quiet existence where I’d simply melt away into the folds of
society and see me to an early grave full of sadness and devoid of passion that
I so thrive on.
I’m slowly evolving,
growing, and moving from that space of fear.
I’m branching out, taking risks, and opening up my heart to those whom I
choose to allow in. It’s been a process
of baby steps, and often times I find myself retreating and needing that soft
nudge to move me forward, one baby step at a time. At a time in my life where I love the man I
am, embrace my own imperfections, and still stride on full of hope, it’s a
wonderful feeling to allow someone to step in a little closer. It’s abundantly clear that we cannot force anything
as natural as love, yet we can be so closed off that the possibility is extinguished
so quickly that you miss the little spark that could have ignited a raging
inferno. I see my imperfections, I work
on those that I can change, and I accept those for which I am forever left
with. Gracefully, slowly, and delicately
I’m opening the door to my heart, to life, and to love once again. As I see the shadows of my past I no longer
run as quickly….I stand there and see that the shadows are a part of me. Without them it would be a two dimensional
world, and yet with the right amount and angle of light even the darkest shadow
fades away. I will not live in fear, I
will not run from the shadows. I will
not let the past mistakes and errors in my life become a roadblock to something
wonderful and rewarding. I will let my
determination stand upon the scales of life like a rock opposing the
inconsequential weight of a feather. I
WILL surely fall down, and I will likely find myself retreating once again, but
I will recognize the beauty before me and open myself to what could be..free of
fear, expectations, preconceived notions, or bated breath. I will breathe into the space I find myself
in, open up, explore, let go, and find the balance. When the scale tips the wrong way, I will
apply the weight of love and find my way back onto the path I know awaits
me. I will cast the lines and turn
towards the sun and gracefully sail with the wind. If I’m lucky I will arrive upon some distant
shore, somewhere, someday down the road, and if I’m even more lucky I will look
down and see footprints in the sand next to mine..and a hand in my own. A partner, a companion, a traveling soul to
share life’s journey with me.
