There’s a grief that can’t be spoken. A love so loud it can’t be heard. There’s saddens in loss more profound than
the most explicit of feelings. Life will
always knock us down. Life too easy
would be a life mundane and not worth the challenge. We all lose, we all suffer, and we all feel
loss and deal with the consequences in our own way. There’s a space within the deepest grief
where we are stripped of all but the rawest emotions. It is only within that space where we reach a
level of strength and courage unobtainable anywhere else. Within the confines of our pain we can not
only survive the grief, endure the sadness, we can let the love still remaining
scream to the world around us. We can
not only endure, but grow from the pain, flourish and thrive within the
struggles.
I’ve seen the depths of that despair in the span
of my life. I’d wish the pain upon no
one, the indignity not upon my worst enemy.
I’ve been treated more fair and kindly in a straight up fist fight. I am blessed beyond belief to have the
support system to surround me when this unforeseen apocalyptic crash came upon
me. I shall never forget the gentle
souls that reached out to me literally picking me up as the pain took over my
soul. I see their faces now so vibrant
and bright. Caring so kindly and giving
so altruistically, many from unexpected places in this little mountain
community. From the Moab deserts,
Durango’s sandstone cliffs, to the corner in my room where I sat with my head
in my hands soaking the hardwood floors below me, I see their hands, their
grace, and their unequaled support. It’s
within the depths of that despair, upon our knees, that the best in our friends
emanates from their very souls. Those
who step forward and toe the proverbial line of pain with you, those are the
friends to keep close, to keep in your corner, and to commit undogged
dedication to as your life continues down whatever path you emerge upon.
As the light returns, the pain diminishes, and
the flood of tears subsides back into the sea within, you are given the
glorious opportunity to stand tall again, unafraid and full of life. You can spend the necessary time upon your
knees, screaming in silence at the unthinkable hell you’ve just endured, and
yet you can emerge a better person than before.
These things I know, these things I know all too well, and yet I still
look back with a gleam in my eye and a tear upon my soul for the one I loved so
much, trusted so completely, in spite of it all, it is still that one so close
that wreaked utter and total havoc on your heart and soul. It is the remorseless nature that eats at you,
the unthinkable disregard for all things conscionable to the most basic of
moral values. Yet as the journey takes
me further away from that place I look back not in sorrow, but in pity. I have compassion and I want to reach back
and take away her pain, even after all of this, but I cannot. To do so would dishonor all I’ve attained
thus far, all those that have walked with me, all that I have learned. I can forgive, and it’s the most liberating
thing I’ve done, but it does NOT excuse the behavior or the acts of moral
attrition. I simply must let that person
go and continue on the cyclical journey they’ve chosen.
It’s from this journey from hell that you
find within yourself and those around you, a beauty and dignity so brilliant
and bright. You learn to embrace all the
emotions, all the pain, even the one who betrayed you, and you start to see
life as an unspoken journey taken one step at a time. I still see her face when I close my eyes,
but the moving cinema of our past has become nothing but a still image of us
standing at the base of some rock face, smiling into the lens of life. I hold that image, and I always will, close
to my heart. I choose to see the good,
to take the good with me into the next stages of this journey. I take the moments of incredible love and I
hold them close. I let the turmoil,
torment, and hell fall away as I move on.
I hear her voice and I let the anger fall away so that only the laughter
remains. I paint this picture of my
journey, and I choose what to take along.
Our love was real in my heart, brushing my very soul, and I embrace the
beauty within it, and I let the rest go.
My love for her, what morsels remain, will be, and shall remain,
unspoken as I move through this day. I
have gained so much from these soldiers of mine. The friends in the trenches, toeing the
line. I have grown and I see such a
bright future ahead. I know my time
alone could be forever, the damage too deep to completely ignore, but I have
hope for better. I visualize a time and
place on my journey full of radiant happiness and all I can give returned to me
in kind. I see the possibility in my
future, and yet I see no fine details, but just a blank and fantastic canvas..I
see her out there, searching and waiting.
I know she’s there perfecting her own journey. I hope that if this is indeed to be, that we
will meet one day, complete and resolute in whom we are. Neither soul “completing” the other, only
complimenting each other. If I’m privileged
enough to find such a soul out there, I will not allow my love to be unspoken,
I will not allow my soul to hide in the shadows, I will unleash my passion and
let it scream in deafening brilliance, I will embrace my uninhibited soul and stand
in unspoken grace, unbroken and unafraid.
I shall feel love again; I shall allow it again someday, but not
yet. My journey at this moment is one of
self perfection, reflection, and discovery.
Upon that day where our paths meet, where our journey connects, in that
time, I shall not remain silent. My love
will not go unspoken, and until then I shall continue hopeful and unbroken.
Should my time pass having never loved again,
having never crossed paths, I shall still scream in that deafening brilliance
as I breathe my last breath, for I HAVE loved deeply in this life, unbroken and
unafraid.
