"Get beyond love and grief: exist for the good of Man."
This quote was taken from The Book of Five Rings. Written by Miyamoto Musashi, a great Samurai warrior, circa 1645. The book is considered a classic text on the art of war and strategy. It is a book that I could read over and over again and always find something new to glean from its pages. Many corporate leadership retreats are using the book and its message during seminars these days. It is the above referenced quote that came to my mind today. The past seven months have been trying, often a struggle, and yet more often, an inner battle. To spend half (well almost) of your life with someone you considered a soul mate, and then to be left with less than nothing, is a trying experience. One I do not wish upon my worst enemy. There is no book, strategy, or easy way to navigate through the tangle of emotions and the litany of confusion. Looking over my shoulder now I see the person that passed through this battle and has emerged a better man. Scarred? For sure. Changed? Immeasurably. Beaten? NEVER. I have been given a gift through this travesty, of love and hate. That gift is rediscovery. Enlightenment if you will. While the journey will never end, I can now look over my shoulder and see from a higher vantage point. I can see beyond the sea of despondency, beyond the black and littered battlefield, to a glorious sunset. A sky painted orange, pink, red, and yellow. All the colors of the heavens are before me. The clouds painted with the gentle soothing colors of the Gods. The heat and rage I have felt are replaced with a soothing breeze upon my face. A purpose I have found, a way I am finding.
My purpose is clear; my way is unfolding before me. I may never love again the way I loved her, but I “have” loved that way and I am grateful for it. I may be “alone” for a long time, if not the rest of my life, yet I have never been so surrounded by love, compassion, and companionship. I have realized that by definition being alone is not such a bad thing. It is only during this time that we can look deep within while looking at the vast world around us, and find again what it is we are made of. We can truly appreciate all that life has to offer us. All of the simple things that we have simply walked by in years past suddenly take on a whole new life. The feeling of a cool mountain breeze on your face is no longer simply a sensation. When that wind picks up now, you find yourself facing it, craving it, and breathing it in deeply. The sound of the wind in the trees is no longer just a simple intriguing sound; it is now the harmony of God raking his fingers across the forest. I look at people in a whole new light. I don’t see a person before me; I see a life and soul before me. So much deeper than I have ever imagined. My life was completely taken from me and I now realize that the human spirit is profoundly evident in all of us. A man can be broken, but as long as his spirit is intact he can recover and in fact can return a better human being. I no longer pursue possessions or relationships for selfish delights. When I meet someone and I choose to know them, I want to see beyond love, hate, discontentment, scorn and reason. I want to see what it is that makes them happy. I want to know if someone is happy, not if they are successful, in a relationship, have similar values, beliefs or reasoning. I value the diversity in people so much more now. I care not where you came from, I care where you are going and even more so whether or not you appreciate the journey and the opportunity you have been given. It would be easy to label me in a stoic perspective but if you know me then I think you know that I waste not when it comes to words and my time. I have seen time flash before my eyes and I intend to not waste any more of it tangled in the confusion of normalcy. We all seem to “want” to be happy, but do we really know what we want that makes us happy? I hope I can rediscover that which gives me peace. I believe I am learning every day.
I can tell you that the laughter of my children is something that I find utterly deafening to my soul. Nothing warms my spirit more than to watch them interact and see the innocence within their actions. All the aforementioned qualities are abundantly clear in their eyes. The frivolous pursuit of material satisfactions has not yet grasped their minds. They are free and at peace. When my time with them was taken from me, I had no idea the impact it would have on me, much less them. Having them back in my life is tantamount to an awakening only spoken of in books. I have a whole new appreciation for making dinner, watching kid movies, wrestling, and even doing homework. I would fight to the bitter end to assure I could enjoy these seemingly mundane moments. I would not trade an eternities worth of wealth for the gift of these moments. Through these lessons and battles I have gained another true gift. As I mentioned before I have come to a place in life where I want more than the basics of knowing someone. I want to know beyond all that appears on the outside. I have gained so many new friends in my life and I am grateful for each and every one of them. I have found old friends again who have stood by me like they have in years past. I have also gained some truly astounding opportunities to get to know someone in a very real and vibrant way. Like I stated before, I want to “see beyond” the standard characteristics that people envision in themselves, and I have been shocked by what I have found.
I have found a deeper connection than I have ever imagined. Love? Lust? Like? Nope – PEACE, and appreciation. Serenity so heavenly and delicate, yet so solid and real. Don’t go wondering “who” this is or what this is…it just is. I am surrounded by so many good people and I couldn’t even begin to describe the breadth of my appreciation in having those close to me in my life. But the connection I speak of has found uniqueness in one who has truly touched my soul. Will this person be here tomorrow? I have NO CLUE, nor do I think of that. As I have said, I don’t know if I will love again, or be alone in this life, but what I do know is that the serenity before me takes my breath away. Have you ever had someone touch your face in the middle of the night while you are sound asleep, and not one cell in your body was startled? That touch simply brings you to a conscious state and there before you is this angel of serenity? Have you ever felt the air in your lungs so pure and refreshing? Have you ever been able to lay in COMPLETE peace next to someone and say nothing at all? Do nothing at all? Just lay there and listen to the air pass between you, through their lungs. Listen to your hearts beat as they drum to their own rhythms? When that touch that awakens you GIVES you breath, as opposed to startling you and taking your breath, is that something to ignore? Is it? I choose not to ignore such “little things” anymore. I want to explore what it is between two souls that can give you a place of comfort and peace unlike one you even thought possible. If that moment lasts a lifetime, I’d be grateful, and if it lasted only until tomorrow, I’d be just as grateful. As I look over my shoulder into the setting sun, or forward into the rising sun, the sky is only more vibrant and the journey only more gratifying when you feel a soul walking alongside your own. The raging battles around you are still there, yet your arsenal will see you through. The compassion in the world around you will shield you like armor. The soul beside you will guide you and laugh with you….you have no expectations..you have only the breath in your lungs and the moment at hand. The journey is sure to be glorious and vibrant..real and tangible. The battles in this life can truly be battles of attrition, yet I have strength in the hearts around me. The word “warrior” has a whole new meaning to me. I have seen pure love turn to pure evil. We all see that, yet I have seen the soul of humanity and the kindness of a kindred spirit. I am surrounded by so much good…I shall never walk alone and for all of you I am eternally grateful. For the angel’s out there – hang on and enjoy what today brings.
“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.”
