All this time.

Last week ( Feb 25th) I saw a day that was brighter and better than most. It started like any other day- up early ( not as early as her ), quick shower, a quick espresso, kids lunches, out the door, and down the road to work. This day was different though. Fourteen years prior I stepped onto an alter in a blur. Scared to death and feeling dizzy. All my friends and family were there. My best friend Mick was there to egg me on and call me all the standard names that a best man is obligated to call his buddy about to take the plunge of allplunges. My mom and dad were so proud. My brother was there in all his best. My other best friend, Brian, was in typical form...checking out the brides maids. We were backstage, my little crew, going over what we were to do, rehearsing if you will, and all the while my boys were making jokes and trying to lighten the mood. What the hell was I doing? I hated public appearances under the best of circumstances. Here I stood , pale, feeling sick, scared, worried that she'd walk out and see this bumbling idiot and run as fast and far as she could. How could she possibly see any good in me? I was so young and ignorant. I knew she was better than me, I just hoped she wouldn't realize it in the next hour.

People milled about, patted my back. My dad came back and the look in his eye is one I will never forget. He was proud. Proud that I had found someone as good as her. Proud that I had lined my ducks up enough for her to see a glimmer of hope in me. It's the kind of pride that only a parent could understand. I am not certain but I would bet that he had his fingers and toes crossed. My mom was ever the dutiful mom, making sure everything was right and in order. Time ticked on - I was getting worse. What was wrong with me. My heart raced...my palms were sweating..none of the jokes were funny. Could I really do this? She had to know that I wasn't much. If I were a fish caught on a hook, they wouldn't even throw me back, I'd be better off as bait. I was so young and didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

Then it happened- the preacher walked by calmly and said something along the lines of "your up". I'm up !!! What the hell did he mean. Was there another wedding in line? Son of a byatch. I stepped out and there was the crowd. There could have been one person in the crowd, but to me it was the whole world. I wonder how many colors of red I turned. We were all lined up..the candles were lit. I couldn't stop staring at the flame. Wondering if we could keep the flame burning. Could we keep that flame hot when all the world around us was in turmoil..blowing and windy? Could that flame last through the trials and tribulations? Would the tears in our lives come flooding and put out that flame? I remember my mom lighting those candles and being unable to take my eyes from that flame. Then it flickered, drew down, and nearly went out. The door had opened and there she was. That door closed behind her and the breezed subsided. There she stood. My knees went weak. My stomach churned. My heart fluttered like a hummingbird's wings. I couldn't believe what I saw. I spent our time before this moment thinking that she couldn't possibly be more beautiful. There she was proving me wrong. It wouldn't be the last time.

What happened after that is a mystery to me. I have seen the video and it made me feel like a person who wakes from a coma. Where was I at that moment? I was lost. Lost in her beauty, lost in her eyes. Lost in the pressure knowing that the girl that stood before me was that one special person that I was put on this earth for. I still don't remember much more of that day. What I describe above is all I need. The years since have seen us go up and down, backwards and forwards, but all along we have maintained one aspect of our relationship that has proven the most critical. We are still buddies. We still smile when we look at one another. We still look forward to coming home to be together at the end of the day. We can still laugh at each other and ourselves. We have always been close. We climb together, hike together, party together, and get stupid together. I wake up everyday and know that she is a gift. Not many guys are as lucky as me. The funny thing is that she has stood by me all this time. Even after learning that I am far from that perfect young stallion she met so long ago.

So what would any upstanding Colorado couple do to celebrate their 14 year anniversary? We went climbing of course. We basked in the sun of the desert. The warm breeze blowing through our hair, white chalked hands. Our skin had that faint smell of being exposed to the sun and slightly sweaty. Our hair was matted and wind blown. Our clothes were dirty. Our hands showed the wear of years of weathering the storms of our lives. Our faces showed a few more wrinkles and our hair a few more greys. Yet on that day I saw the woman who stood before me all those years ago. All this time had passed and yet again she was more beautiful than I thought possible. Her blond hair blowing in the wind and her eyes filled with all the love a person could possibly posses..and maybe a little more. She is still there. Before me and with me. She has been there when no one else has. She picked me up when I fell down and took care of me when I couldn't walk. She gave me the two best kids a man could ask for. All the while she has been there right next to me. All the while she has remained my best friend. She completes me and fulfills my dreams. I can only hope that our time on this earth is spent together. Fourteen years ago I cast my line hoping for a bite, maybe even just a nibble. Little did I know that it would be the catch of my life.

Looking on the bright side

It's easy to look back on the last 7 months and feel a bit sorry for myself. However, that would be too easy. I've never been known to do things the easy way. I have learned to cope and move on. I have learned to see the silver lining in all that has happened, and while I will likely never be the same, I will always reflect on what happened with a sense of appreciation. It made me stronger and gave me such a refreshing perspective on what it means to be healthy and to have all the simple "abilities" that we are given and which can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I may always walk a little funny, and I may deal with pain that feel insurmountable at times, but I will always appreciate the little things like I have never before. The trials and tribulations will always be there, but the ability to deal and move on will always prevail. I have had the opportunity to be humbled once again and I won't forget the lessons learned. How could I? I wake up every morning with that gentle reminder...pain. Every step I take is a step that I earned and that I appreciate now more than ever. Another good thing to come from all of this is the fact that it brought me even closer to my family. My wife and kids went through hell because of this too. I would like to think that they too took something positive from all of this, but that would be for them to say.

Roping up and climbing again is something that hasn't come easy. Every time I tie into that rope I think "what if". Those what ifs keep me safe. They make me double check my knot, my harness, my gear, and my mental awareness. All things critical to coming back home safe. The longer you climb, the more comfortable you become. The more comfortable you become, the easier it is to overlook something that could come back to haunt you in a very real way. So - if nothing else I have gained a little more insight that will hopefully keep me safer on the next climb. I sure appreciate the fact that I have a second ( or third or fourth depending on how you look at it) chance to pursue something that has defined me for the past 12+ years. I had my doubts but I think my inability to do things the easy way, or to just quit, have served me well. All in all I think that luck and the hard work of my doctors and therapists has contributed as well. I am hopeful that things will just keep getting better. I am confident that I will do all that I can to prevent myself from going through another injury this severe. Any activity ( notice I didn't call it a sport - it's a way of life ) has risk involved. Injuries happen. Now I believe that it is how you face those injuries that define you as well as whether it is just a sport...or a way of life. We all have choices and my choice is to learn from my mistake, move forward ( and up), and find the positive instead of dwelling on the negative.

Fortitudine Vincimus - By endurance we conquer.