Windows To My World

It is often said that “the eyes are the windows to our hearts”. I couldn’t have put it better myself. In my wife’s eyes I have always found comfort in looking through those windows. They presented themselves as big, stunning, huge, bay windows, with a view into a beautiful vista full of love, kindness, and compassion. When I have felt the pressure of life tugging at my heels, I have always found comfort in peering through those windows. Inside I could rest assured I'd always find peace, which would always calm my soul and lift me back up. Today I stand outside in a torrential downpour of freezing rain. Those windows are fogged; full of condensation on the inside, building up and ready to drip like a falling tear.
Being outside, looking in, you wonder what now lies beyond those windows. What lies beneath? Beneath the heart that you once knew and cherished. Deeper than that – down deep in her soul and yet deeper in her spirit. I will always wonder if what I thought had been true, or was I always looking through stained glass. Was I always peering through fogged up windows? The optimist in me says “you did good Jim – you honored what you had in the best way that you knew how”. The fighter in me is ever dominant, ever present, and is always willing to fight. The odds matter little, the critics matter less. When you believe in something you fight. When you have given your heart and soul, you fight. You fight with all that you are. You fight until you exhale your last breath. You know that to fight is to give it your all and you know that you have never thrown in the towel during a fight. Now you find yourself wondering if the time has come to do just that.

As you stand firm and weather the storm, you maintain your steadfast focus. Your unwavering ability to see things through. All the while your focus is on the windows to the world you once knew. The world you once loved. Peering through what was once familiar, into a vastly different world. One which you do not know. The pain is so intense that you can feel the blood beating its way through your veins. Every beat of your heart is like the rain beating down on those windows. The pain is incomprehensible, and at times downright unbearable, yet you know not how to walk away.

As the downpour dissipates, and the skies clear, a ray of light breaks through. You think you see more clearly, but then realize it is only you who sees more clearly. All you see now is your own reflection – all else is gone. You stare at those windows for one last look before slowly, reluctantly, turning away. As you begin to walk away, you slowly pull your head forward, releasing the gaze that once peered into the windows that lead to love. You walk away – you live to fight another day.

Looking up less, forward more

Looking up less, forward more

When you have your life ripped from your grasp in a sudden devastating blow, you are often left reeling and in shock. The grieving process is well documented in books, articles, and all over the internet, yet it is of little solace. You think you know pain. I thought I knew pain. Just read my blog about my injury – pain and I have been pretty close in recent months. I’d take two broken heels ( twice over ) if I could trade the pain that I feel now. Your life is altered in EVERYWAY imaginable and in ways unimaginable. Little triggers pull you back at the oddest times. A song, a word, the fresh mountain air as you hike through the trees trying to move on and forget. You have an ever present battle in your mind – move on..don’t give up hope…have faith, when all you really have is your faith and this empty shell of what you once were. People stop by your desk and pat you on the back and tell you how good you are doing. Really?! Funny – I feel half dead, or better yet, three quarters dead. The three most important things in my life are gone. Sure I will always have the kids, but they are FOREVER CHANGED and our time together has been cut in half (AT BEST).

I hit my knees often and it feels good. I have always known that there was something bigger out there but I am a pretty independent person and a very strong willed person. I don’t believe in calling in favors too often, but this has been different. Sure at first I asked for her back…”please bring her back”..but as time goes on , my thoughts evolve, my personality evolves…I look up and ask for that less and just simply ask for ME back. Let the cards fall where they may, but when the people who have been close to you for years see the “old you” coming back, you kind of have to embrace that and work on that. You have to look forward and realize that you did not ask for this and you do not want this, but with each day you grow within and you are constantly lifted up and given such raw feedback. You realize that you are not what you are ( and were ) always told. You are good, and people love what you are. Like Popeye always says…”I am what I am”. Nothing in the near future will be easy, but I am surrounded by wonderful friends who are honest with me and who know what lies beneath. When you begin to accept and internalize your resources ( for me anger) you begin to take a hold of who and what you are. You utilize those “resources” in positive ways. You begin to replace that hope you had with ambition and understanding of what you need to do. It takes courage to fight for what you love, but it takes more to let it go. While I know the road is long and full of bumps…sometimes you just have to pick your path, put your head down….and look forward.

"God - teach me to dance.... and I'll never stop"

Through it all, the pain has been beyond description. It is as if you wake up one day and the one true love of your life is gone...has died and will never come back. Those beautiful eyes that stared across the dinner table for 15 years are now empty. Those eyes won't even meet yours anymore. The love gone...the soft gentle touch that lets you know you are alive...gone. You are wracked with pain and questions, wondering how a God that you know as just and fair could do this to you and your family. You cry until it hurts as if your body cannot create another tear. The feet that crept over to your side, for warmth and reassurance, for all those years are gone and will never return. The soft angelic touch as those wisps of hair brush across your face like an open ocean breeze on the perfect night. The soft gentle kiss that lets you know that you are something special to someone who you adore....gone. You try so hard to be strong and put on a happy face. You muster all the courage and strength to move on and find yourself again but when you are lost in her soul, you can't figure out which way is up, you lay there at night in a strange new place and slowly slide your foot over looking for hers, only to find nothing. I find myself pulling my seat belt to my nose and searching for that soft faint scent that you became so accustomed to, but it is no longer there. All you find is an empty piece of nylon, a shell of its former self. Everyday you wake and want it all to be a dream but it is reality. You know you must go on for the sake of the two little lives left in shambles, their tears incomprehensible, their lives forever changed. You scream out at night for God to give you the strength and courage to keep putting that one foot in front of the other. You gave up days ago, praying that God would bring her back to you....she is gone. Everyone around you reassuring you that "it'll get better"...but no one can tell you when as they have not suffered such a loss. You watch in silence as each layer of your spirit and soul are pealed back to expose another wound. You look into the mirror and wonder what she saw in that reflection that repulsed her to the point of this. In her eyes you no longer see the stars that illuminated your soul...only emptiness and a Milky Way so far way. All taken so suddenly. You will never have that last kiss goodnight, that final farewell. You reassess who you are and what you have become and all you know is that you love her with MORE than you are.

She said I'd never dance with her, but in my mind we danced the night away so many times. We stared into one anothers eyes and the dance was one of a connection unexplainable to even the wisest of profits. The dance we shared on a moonlit night above the lake...just a memory. The music was universal and the rhythm one that only two souls who shared the dance floor of life could understand. You look back and wish you would have pulled her onto that dance floor of life and twirled her and held her for an eternity. I am out of things to ask God for...but if I could have one more wish...it'd be for him to teach me to dance... and to tell him if he granted me one last wish...you'd never stop dancing with her........

All this time.

Last week ( Feb 25th) I saw a day that was brighter and better than most. It started like any other day- up early ( not as early as her ), quick shower, a quick espresso, kids lunches, out the door, and down the road to work. This day was different though. Fourteen years prior I stepped onto an alter in a blur. Scared to death and feeling dizzy. All my friends and family were there. My best friend Mick was there to egg me on and call me all the standard names that a best man is obligated to call his buddy about to take the plunge of allplunges. My mom and dad were so proud. My brother was there in all his best. My other best friend, Brian, was in typical form...checking out the brides maids. We were backstage, my little crew, going over what we were to do, rehearsing if you will, and all the while my boys were making jokes and trying to lighten the mood. What the hell was I doing? I hated public appearances under the best of circumstances. Here I stood , pale, feeling sick, scared, worried that she'd walk out and see this bumbling idiot and run as fast and far as she could. How could she possibly see any good in me? I was so young and ignorant. I knew she was better than me, I just hoped she wouldn't realize it in the next hour.

People milled about, patted my back. My dad came back and the look in his eye is one I will never forget. He was proud. Proud that I had found someone as good as her. Proud that I had lined my ducks up enough for her to see a glimmer of hope in me. It's the kind of pride that only a parent could understand. I am not certain but I would bet that he had his fingers and toes crossed. My mom was ever the dutiful mom, making sure everything was right and in order. Time ticked on - I was getting worse. What was wrong with me. My heart raced...my palms were sweating..none of the jokes were funny. Could I really do this? She had to know that I wasn't much. If I were a fish caught on a hook, they wouldn't even throw me back, I'd be better off as bait. I was so young and didn't know my ass from a hole in the ground.

Then it happened- the preacher walked by calmly and said something along the lines of "your up". I'm up !!! What the hell did he mean. Was there another wedding in line? Son of a byatch. I stepped out and there was the crowd. There could have been one person in the crowd, but to me it was the whole world. I wonder how many colors of red I turned. We were all lined up..the candles were lit. I couldn't stop staring at the flame. Wondering if we could keep the flame burning. Could we keep that flame hot when all the world around us was in turmoil..blowing and windy? Could that flame last through the trials and tribulations? Would the tears in our lives come flooding and put out that flame? I remember my mom lighting those candles and being unable to take my eyes from that flame. Then it flickered, drew down, and nearly went out. The door had opened and there she was. That door closed behind her and the breezed subsided. There she stood. My knees went weak. My stomach churned. My heart fluttered like a hummingbird's wings. I couldn't believe what I saw. I spent our time before this moment thinking that she couldn't possibly be more beautiful. There she was proving me wrong. It wouldn't be the last time.

What happened after that is a mystery to me. I have seen the video and it made me feel like a person who wakes from a coma. Where was I at that moment? I was lost. Lost in her beauty, lost in her eyes. Lost in the pressure knowing that the girl that stood before me was that one special person that I was put on this earth for. I still don't remember much more of that day. What I describe above is all I need. The years since have seen us go up and down, backwards and forwards, but all along we have maintained one aspect of our relationship that has proven the most critical. We are still buddies. We still smile when we look at one another. We still look forward to coming home to be together at the end of the day. We can still laugh at each other and ourselves. We have always been close. We climb together, hike together, party together, and get stupid together. I wake up everyday and know that she is a gift. Not many guys are as lucky as me. The funny thing is that she has stood by me all this time. Even after learning that I am far from that perfect young stallion she met so long ago.

So what would any upstanding Colorado couple do to celebrate their 14 year anniversary? We went climbing of course. We basked in the sun of the desert. The warm breeze blowing through our hair, white chalked hands. Our skin had that faint smell of being exposed to the sun and slightly sweaty. Our hair was matted and wind blown. Our clothes were dirty. Our hands showed the wear of years of weathering the storms of our lives. Our faces showed a few more wrinkles and our hair a few more greys. Yet on that day I saw the woman who stood before me all those years ago. All this time had passed and yet again she was more beautiful than I thought possible. Her blond hair blowing in the wind and her eyes filled with all the love a person could possibly posses..and maybe a little more. She is still there. Before me and with me. She has been there when no one else has. She picked me up when I fell down and took care of me when I couldn't walk. She gave me the two best kids a man could ask for. All the while she has been there right next to me. All the while she has remained my best friend. She completes me and fulfills my dreams. I can only hope that our time on this earth is spent together. Fourteen years ago I cast my line hoping for a bite, maybe even just a nibble. Little did I know that it would be the catch of my life.

Looking on the bright side

It's easy to look back on the last 7 months and feel a bit sorry for myself. However, that would be too easy. I've never been known to do things the easy way. I have learned to cope and move on. I have learned to see the silver lining in all that has happened, and while I will likely never be the same, I will always reflect on what happened with a sense of appreciation. It made me stronger and gave me such a refreshing perspective on what it means to be healthy and to have all the simple "abilities" that we are given and which can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I may always walk a little funny, and I may deal with pain that feel insurmountable at times, but I will always appreciate the little things like I have never before. The trials and tribulations will always be there, but the ability to deal and move on will always prevail. I have had the opportunity to be humbled once again and I won't forget the lessons learned. How could I? I wake up every morning with that gentle reminder...pain. Every step I take is a step that I earned and that I appreciate now more than ever. Another good thing to come from all of this is the fact that it brought me even closer to my family. My wife and kids went through hell because of this too. I would like to think that they too took something positive from all of this, but that would be for them to say.

Roping up and climbing again is something that hasn't come easy. Every time I tie into that rope I think "what if". Those what ifs keep me safe. They make me double check my knot, my harness, my gear, and my mental awareness. All things critical to coming back home safe. The longer you climb, the more comfortable you become. The more comfortable you become, the easier it is to overlook something that could come back to haunt you in a very real way. So - if nothing else I have gained a little more insight that will hopefully keep me safer on the next climb. I sure appreciate the fact that I have a second ( or third or fourth depending on how you look at it) chance to pursue something that has defined me for the past 12+ years. I had my doubts but I think my inability to do things the easy way, or to just quit, have served me well. All in all I think that luck and the hard work of my doctors and therapists has contributed as well. I am hopeful that things will just keep getting better. I am confident that I will do all that I can to prevent myself from going through another injury this severe. Any activity ( notice I didn't call it a sport - it's a way of life ) has risk involved. Injuries happen. Now I believe that it is how you face those injuries that define you as well as whether it is just a sport...or a way of life. We all have choices and my choice is to learn from my mistake, move forward ( and up), and find the positive instead of dwelling on the negative.

Fortitudine Vincimus - By endurance we conquer.

On Fighting Fire

Inevitably we get older and life begins to take on new meaning. The winds of change take effect a little at a time but as we age, I believe that we reflect on our lives and begin to see what we have become and where we have gone. I have friends that have spent time reflecting on their lives and in doing so have realized they have not been "living" the way that they had always said they would. Some of those friends have quit jobs and hit the road. Some have gone back to school. Others have picked up an instrument that they always wanted to play. Since my little wreck with gravity, I picked up the guitar and began learning. There has always been music in me, in one form or another, I have always tapped my feet, hummed a song, or as my wife would tell you, tapped my fingers constantly to the beat of my own song. I have always loved writing and I have always loved music. Not just listening to music, but listening to the beats, rhythms, and score's of life. Life is music. So I decided to learn. In doing so, I made a commitment to myself - I wouldn't quit and I would put my heart into playing the way that I have into all other endeavors I have set into motion. I'll let you know how it goes. So far? Slow but fun.

Moving to Durango was a life changing event for all of us. We put it all out there and walked precariously out onto the proverbial limb of life. Here we are, almost 3 years later. When we got here, I decided I would fulfil another dream, that was, becoming a firefighter. Wildland and Structural. I have always seen this profession as one of the most noble a man could pursue. For me, it was/is another adrenaline fueled adventure that not only fills my need for constant stimulation, but it allows me to fulfil another need that I have, and that is to help others. While guiding in years past, I realized that emergency medicine was something that I was good at. I could handle it, I thrived under pressure, and I was calm in situations that were dangerous and chaotic. So I volunteered (and get paid for pulling shifts) for the Upper Pine Fire Protection District. Went through my rookie training and finished with flying colors. I realized a lot while going through training. I can't even begin to tell you the amount of info that goes into training a firefighter/EMT. You really learn to respect and fear fire. Towards the end of our rookie class, we were fortunate enough to have the opportunity to train in a flashover trainer. Click the link below for a Youtube video of our actual training. I am the guy filming. All of the training was (and always will be - we never stop training) intense. You really have no idea how hard and dangerous it all is until you go through such training.

So recently someone pointed out that firefighting was "dangerous". With my current state of inability and suffering, I really had the time to stop and think about that. Here I am crippled up for the next year and I still go to trainings and look forward to the day when my radio goes off and I can hop in my truck, drive the mile to the station, and jump in the engine and respond. Just driving down the road in a fully outfitted engine is a danger in itself. MANY firefighters lose their lives yearly to accidents while responding. Then there is the time you spend on scene, standing right up against a burning structure or even worse, having to go in and pull someone out. Or responding to an auto accident where you have to crawl into an unstable vehicle, possibly ready to burn, to get to the victim(s). Yeah, its dangerous, but so is everything else we do. My take is that I have that constant music in my head, I live life pretty close to the edge, and I like to help people. So why not fulfil two lifelong dreams while I still have my health. Music brings me peace as does walking away from helping someone who is having a really bad day. I believe we all want to help others, that is human nature right? I think we all do help others, we just choose to do it in different ways.

My first call out of rookie class is one that I will NEVER forget. When doubt enters my head, and I wonder if the risks are worth it, all I need is that memory to put me back on track. All the time (aside from working full time) to train and respond is unquestionably worth it. So my radio went off after work one night, "Upper Pine Fire and Rescue district 3 (that's my district) Please stand by for a medical page".....I grabbed my radio, threw on my boots and headed for my truck..the call went on to say that a disabled woman needed a lift assist - had fallen out of her wheel chair. I was heading out of our subdivision when the location came out..it was the neighborhood next to us. Keep in mind that we live in the mountains..not in town. So instead of grabbing the engine I just drove over and figured I was going to help a little old lady back to her chair. As I pulled up another volunteer (Mike) was in a pond up to his waist holding a female up out of the water. I jumped out and ran over, her leg was stuck in a culvert running under her driveway. Mike had her head just above water. We got her back onto dry land and shortly after the ambulance arrived. Once we had her hooked up to the monitor we realized her heart rate was DANGEROUSLY low. She had stopped shaking. She was hypodermic. She was paralyzed from the mid-chest area down (due to a car accident in which her husband was killed). So as we warmed her and talked to her, she just couldn't get full sentences out. She was in trouble. We threw her in the bus (aka- ambulance) and off she went.

Turns out she (Chris) was trying to get some sticks out of their pond and took her chair a little to close and in she went. She had been in there almost 20 minutes before her 89 year old mother had stuck her head out the front door and realized something was wrong. She ran (as fast as a walker can go with an 89 year old engine pushing it) to the phone and out came our page. So Chris spent the night in the hospital and that was that. Then during our graduation ceremony (from our rookie class) up pulls a van and who should exit???? Chris! She spoke at the end of the ceremony about how "2 young men pulled her out of the water" and how " she could never have gotten out on her own and how tired she had become trying to hold her head up with her only working limbs- her arms". I kept looking away and at the floor, anything to distract me and keep the tears from falling. She looked us straight in the eye and said "I thank you from the bottom of my heart". That was it for me. I will never forget her or that call. I had made the right choice. All the pain, time, and heartache was (and always will be) worth it. We didn't "save" her...we did what we, or anyone else who might have been there, would have done. We helped someone who was having a really bad day.

So those are two of the little things in my life that I have taken on in my mid years. I don't know if I will ever be REALLY GOOD at either, but like everything else I do, I will never give up and I will always do my best.

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** Here is a link to the video I took in the flashover trainer. Watch the flames as the air and the smoke (ie: fuel) become so hat that they ignite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UytLUK0mdZY

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Oh- and the picture above was taken in Ridgeway Colorado. It isn't one of our engines..ours are actually new.

Life Emerging

How often have you wondered about the past? Past friends, relationships, etc. If you are like the average person you likely find yourself reminiscing from time to time. When doing so I had often wondered about the friends who were (unbeknownst to them) so critical in the outcome of so many different facets of my life. We are all shaped by our past, whether we like to admit it or not. We grow up, grow apart, and move on. It seems rare that any of us make the minuscule effort needed to maintain contact with those who we share our youth. I too am guilty of such. However, there hasn't been many years in my life where I don't think back on those youthful memories and wonder what happened to those people. Did they find happiness? Did they have kids and get the opportunity to experience what life is REALLY about? Did they get to watch their kids grow and relive their childhood? Did they struggle through hard times like I did? Did they "keep it in the family" by marrying one of "our" little circle? Did they stay in touch with one another? Did they even survive this long? All these questions have seeped into my mind occasionally. It is usually just a fleeting moment where I am reminded of someone. Sometimes I can be walking down the street and something just triggers that memory. For most, it all remains just that, a memory. We are taught not to "live in the past" yet we all seem to hold those memories close to our hearts. They come flooding back to me in times when I seem to be at a low point. Granted, I am fortunate that this doesn't happen often. I have had a pretty damn good life. I do keep stock of my life and what it has amounted too. I try not to end up on auto pilot and forget my roots. I have always tried to keep memories alive. They have made me who I am, yet my life is just as busy as the next guy's and I don't have all day to sit and think about those people in my past.

My history has served me well. I think I turned out alright. There have been lots of hard times and even more good ones. I DO think of old friends and always wished I had a way of finding them. The moment usually passes as quickly as it comes. Usually life brings me back to reality, be it the kids, work , etc, etc. I have always had another escape: that is climbing. Nothing sets you free (at least for me) like being hundreds of feet above the ground with only a 9.4 mm nylon rope and some hardware keeping you from becoming gravity's bastard. You feel the blood run through your veins, your senses are on fire. You can feel every grain of dirt under your skin, and your heartbeat is downright audible.

When that "high" is suddenly taken from you in one fell swipe (or fall), your mind just can't seem to process what has happened. You end up in a "funk". You long for that feeling, yet you know nothing can replace it. I have sat for almost 3 months now, wondering what I can do to find that lift again. That happy feeling. The truth is, nothing will ever replace 15 years of climbing and the memories it has given me. The strength, both inward and outward, that I have been given. The confidence. But I was recently given one hell of a boost. Within a week I was contacted (or I contacted) some old friends. Friends who shaped my life and helped to make me who I am today. These are the friends we never forget and always wonder about. Suddenly in my time of despair, they began to emerge from a world so far, yet still so close. I can't explain the timing nor would I try, but it couldn't have happened at a better time. These aren't just regular old friends. These are TRUE friends who have taken a part in a rescue of a fallen soul. Friends who used to make me laugh (Rob-the dude is still smiling), who stood by my side no matter what (Chas, Mick, Misty) who I looked up to (Kai, Bill, Brad-this dude can still throw down) and ones who engulfed a heart so young (Heather, Malania) and those who were always a foundation for me to rely on (Joe, Iman twins).

It's crazy that these particular people would fall into my life shortly after a fall that devastated my world. Nothing could ever replace (nor will it until I return to that life) the life I had 3 months ago, but then again, nothing could ever replace these people. There is not one amongst them who I have not wondered about over the last 20 years. I hope that the evolving cyber reunion will turn into friendships that will last as long as the void (20+ years) as well as the opportunity for some of them to benefit in some small way...like I have. One of the greatest joys of this emergence of friends, is seeing their smiling faces and knowing that they are happy. Knowing they have found their own "higher ground". I am grateful to all of them for so many reasons. It wasn't just wasted youth that we shared. Obviously there was more. But I guess you had to be there.