Looking Up

03/27/14…it may not be a day that will live in infamy to everyone, yet it is a day that I’ll never forget as long as I live.  My life was, and always has been, so beautiful and yet in virtually the blink of an eye..in the time it takes for a blood clot to dislodge and travel into my brain….life changed so eloquently, violently, and gracelessly.  Given other issues that transpired in the time since, I’ve not been fully able to appreciate (that’s what I said – “appreciate”) or wrap my mind around (no pun intended) that fateful event.  I would be battling other demons and too distracted by other events, to even let that night, and my condition settle into my bones.  As time has passed the weight has slowly begun to sit upon my shoulders.  As the clutter from 9 months in hell (the “other” demon) begin to fade I’m faced with the reality of my situation.  Finally seeing other medical professionals about this condition has given me some clarity and yet I’ve also realized the gravity of the situation.  Initially I’d travel to Denver for follow up and see a vascular neurosurgeon.  This fine doctor specializes in the “vascular” end of things and not so much on the purely neurological standpoint.   I’d leave that visit feeling relieved and yet down the road after more follow ups I’d realize I’m FAR from out of the woods and in fact could spend the rest of my days in the woods…if not suffering through the fog that can accompany such a traumatic brain event.  Only recently would I realize that what likely caused the stroke was a blood clot.  The horrific reality has begun to set in and yet I refuse to take any of this sitting down.  If my fate should be death by stroke..death by bursting aneurysm..HOPEFULLY death at a ripe old age (with all capacities fully intact), or death while chasing the dreams I feel so compelled to get after…well all result in the same end we all face anyway!  The challenge now is not only doing all I can to understand my medical challenges, but to better understand the brevity of life and the mortality that I’ve all to suddenly realized. 

  It’s difficult to look back on that evening and feel that panic arise once again.  When I reflect it’s so incredibly difficult to explain the panic, solitude, and complete helplessness of that moment where I knew I was having a stroke.  To have a friend there to help me and ultimately rush me to the hospital is something I’ll FOREVER be grateful for.  The moment the doctor said I had an aneurysm is a moment forever etched in my soul.  It’s beyond me to describe that feeling.  Hearing those words and rationalizing while totally alone is incomprehensible even now.  Spending that first sleepless night alone in the hospital felt to me like what a prisoner on death row might feel as he sits and waits his fate.  I’m still here but the reality of today is far from what it was prior to that March evening.  I wasn’t given a death sentence (per se) in that moment, as I believe we all begin our march toward our maker on the day we are born, and yet when you are suddenly faced with that reality in real time, suddenly and unexpectedly, you become acutely aware of “life” and what it means to be given this gift.  Suddenly and irrevocably what “matters” changes so quickly. 

  As the months have passed and the other drama has fallen away and taken care of itself I’ve pursued my dreams with a pitched fervor and a sudden urgency to not only chase the dreams I’ve allowed to sit on the back burner, but to charge headstrong into battling this demon.  It’s unclear what the best course of action is but I’ve had the time and wherewithal now to realize two things; I can’t do this alone, and I can’t stop living because I’m scared out of my mind.  I’m not AT ALL afraid of dying, yet I’m afraid to not take my last breath knowing I lived to my full potential.  Bigger than that is the fear of leaving my kids without them fully appreciating all that life has to offer be it through my example, or by encouraging them to chase their own dreams.  I’ve learned so much from this experience and one of the biggest lessons, and most valuable, is to simply let go.  I can only control so very little in life.  I can ultimately only be accountable for my time, my actions, and my choices.  I’ve also learned to let go of expectations, let go of anger and resentment, and suddenly (as of late) I’ve felt freer than I have my entire life.  Within the scope of letting go…suddenly I feel less pain (emotionally and physically) I look back less and ever find my gaze fixed on the day I have now.  Will I live forever?  Absolutely not..in fact the odds of some catastrophic neurological event taking me sooner than later is quite a bit higher than the average person….but I never wanted to be average anyway.  Still…I rest knowing that while I may not live as long as I’d hoped…I’ll live each day fuller than I ever imagined.  My gratitude for the smallest of things is overwhelming.  My ability to forgive trumps all other traits.  My desire to love is indescribable.  As I look forward to my next appointment I’m grateful for the Mayo Clinic and an organization built to be the absolute best at providing medical care to those like me.  I’m stepping into the big leagues of neuro science and am thankful for those I’ve not even met yet, those who will help me along the way.  I’m grateful for THIS DAY; grateful for the resources I have, so grateful for a friend who was there….and ever grateful for the army of friends and supporters around me.  Should God read my blog……I guess I could say “high five dude” you’ve given me the opportunity to appreciate this life so much more…THANK YOU.  While exposing me to this seemed so indecent not all that long ago…I hear ya…I get the point…and I’m learning, loving, and growing from this experience.  I’m so grateful for each breath….and so thankful for all that I do have because I’m all too aware of how fragile we are.  Time is not infinite…and life is terminal.  Words that ring so true as each stroke of the clock passes..as each breath enters and exits.  A stroke, an aneurysm, a blood clot..none are an absolute death sentence.  The death sentence comes when you stop looking up..stop dreaming..and stop believing in LIFE.

Silver Lining

  2014 was a year I was NOT saddened to see finally pass.  It would prove to be one of the, if not THE, most difficult, challenging, and trying years of my 41 here on this earth.  It would be financially trying, emotionally devastating, and physically debilitating, and yet I feel as though I handled all of it with a bit of grace and some dignity intact at the end.  At the end I’d find peace, resolve, hope, and a friend in a place I’d have never expected.  I’d fall in love (immensely), fall apart, fall from grace (momentarily) be beaten down (literally and figuratively) and yet I stand here in a new year, a new space, and with renewed hope and energy..ready for what this year will throw at me.  I’m determined to TAKE my life back and to live as if there were no tomorrow because quite frankly as my medical situation has unfolded, and progressed, I’ve realized there honestly may be no tomorrow.  There’ve been hidden gems in each of these situations, lessons to learn, and ultimately a silver lining to what was a difficult 365 days.  At times I’d feel alone and stranded, others I’d feel surrounded by an army of friends.

 

  In what felt like an eternity I’d realize once again the brevity of life, learned to appreciate the moments as opposed to the entirety of any situation, and ultimately learned to slow down and appreciate all that I DO have.  While I’m not quite to the point where I can say I’m grateful for a stroke and aneurysm, the appreciation I have for each breath is priceless after the experiences of the year just past.  I’m grateful for so much more and in ways I never knew possible.  A simple kiss on the cheek from my daughter has the ability to stop this planet (at least in my eyes) on its axis.  Hearing her tell me I’m a “good daddy and a good man” are words that are forever etched on my very soul.  I’ll never forget that moment or the reasoning behind her words..innocent and yet perfect!  Seeing my son grow into an AMAZINGLY caring young man leaves me breathless.  He’s twice the man I could ever be!  Bearing witness to a fire ignited within him to travel this world and help people leaves me speechless.  What a great man he is becoming.

 

  In this tumultuous 12 months I’d learn to love again, even if not reciprocated,  feel again, and find the passion behind the lens again.  In that same span I’d watch that love die, question it’s honesty and ultimately learn to forgive a violent transgression into some of the deepest sadness I’ve known.  Most of all I’d learn to forgive myself and let go.  The moment I watched the doctors face as he told me I had a stroke and then his colleague tell me that I have a “sizable aneurysm” in my carotid artery……well…..never have I felt so utterly empty inside.  To, in a single moment, realize your mortality was absolutely the biggest turning point in my life thus far.  Within that space I’d find a friend in a woman I spent most of my life with…for whom I’d learn to trust with all that I am once again…I’d find kindness in her touch, comfort in her words and a friend beyond what I could ever imagine.  To this day she’s a friend for whom I can not only rely on but I know I’d walk through the gates of hell for.  The byproduct of this has been a miraculous journey from broken family, down trodden and divided…to well a kind of quasi family living apart but looking out for one another, caring about one another, and acting from love and kindness rather than bitterness and regret.  This, I tell you, is the best gift I could never have imagined and so if a broken, horrid relationship brought me to this place, brought my kids this peace, then I’d gladly turn around and walk through that hell for 9 months once again.  I’m honored to call her my friend and I stand by her side wanting NOTHING but all the best that this life has to offer her.  That’s precisely what caring about someone should feel like..regardless of me..I want her to be radiant and happy.  Shine in all the good that she is, and to be a stunning and shining example for my kids should this time bomb in my head take me away.

 

  Finally I’d have hardware removed after 5 years of torturous pain.  Left over from a war with gravity, my foot wouldn’t quite return to full function with that metal in there.  After a simple surgery I’d face massive infection (3 times) and feel a soul shaking pain through each episode and yet I stand here now so happy to run pain free, fight like a warrior (in the gym), and climb again, all relatively pain free.  While my body has taken an enormous beat down this year, my soul has never been more free.  My heart unquestionably overflows with love and gratitude.  I’m so happy to be here.  I often say (to the dismay and annoyance of many) that “today is the best day of my life”…and in reality..each day is on day closer to the end and rather than be saddened by this fact we have the opportunity to look at the silver lining and to realize each day past is another opportunity to leave our mark, pour our love out on the world, and to take each day as a building block to a better tomorrow.  If that tomorrow doesn’t come than I believe I will make that crossing into whatever’s out there knowing full well I lived a good life!  I have no misconceptions that what I’ve faced this last year (and really in years past) has put me ever closer to that proverbial edge, but I’ve finally found the space within to be grateful for an AMAZING life filled with phenomenal people, lessons, love, and kindness.  My day will come..as will it for all of us..but not today…NOT YET!  I’ve got a lot of living to do..a lot of taking my days slowly, and many more dreams to grab and unwrap in the time I have.  I’m the luckiest man alive for reasons beyond description, and when I lay my head down I will be able to say that today…today..was indeed the best day EVER!  Like a flower reaching for the sun….I’ll keep reaching for a better tomorrow!  Those standing behind me, in the shadows, supporting me and keeping the momentum moving….my only hope is to give you back what you give me..and then some!

A Single Stroke

 

  Thursday March 27, 2014:  I didn’t’ know then how much that evening would change my life…I’m still learning how significantly impacted it has become.  On that fateful evening I was out on a routine run after work, excited to be meeting a gal a loved dearly afterwards at my house for dinner and an evening relaxing.  I was weeks away from a departure date back to a land I love to teach and a people I adore.  Ladakh India had become a place I cherished and looked forward to returning to each and every year.  I was returning to teach again and to reconnect with past students.  I was fit…I was healthy…and reluctantly I had the support of a woman I loved deeply.  She “had a feeling” that had I went I wouldn’t’ return.  Even now I look at the outcome had this event happened high in the Himalaya.  As I ran that evening I remember feeling almost as if I was having an out of body experience.  My head wasn’t right, not hurting, but just swimming in feelings, thoughts, and in a realm I cannot (to this day) quite explain.  I finished my run short of my goal as this feeling progressed.   I was excited to get home and see my girl and those two things combined would likely be two (of several) factors that saved my life that night.  I began walking home when those cerebral anomalies expanded and I started to get dizzy and feel a sense of confusion.  I picked up the pace as I knew I was about a mile from home.  Suddenly my arms began to tingle and within minutes I lost dexterity in my hands.  Prior medical (EMT) training made me acutely aware that SOMETHING was definitely wrong.  I quickened my pace as I tried to fumble for my phone tucked away around my waist.  Suddenly my vision began to blur and in that moment I knew I was in trouble.  I sat on a guardrail as the sun set and knew if I could just get my phone out I could get a hold of someone to help me.   As I fumbled I finally retrieved my phone…only to realize my vision had almost completely gone in that moment.  It’s one of the most helpless moments I’ve ever felt and I can only hope I never feel that way again.  I didn’t have the mental capacity at that point to wave for help…to lie down….or to scream.  Nothing was making sense. 

  The symptoms would let up long enough for me to stumble (literally) home and by the time I got to the house I had collected myself enough to try and not scare my girlfriend or my daughter who were not at all aware of what was happening.  I typically walk in from a run and hop straight in the shower as it’s not only a necessity; I love the feeling of the hot water pouring over my open pores.  This time I lingered and decided I’d stay close to Amber “just in case” the darkness came back.  I was scared.  More than I had ever been my entire life.  No mountain, no fight, no epic had ever prepared me for a fear of facing my end in that very moment.  I knew at that point I was dealing with something neurological.    I tried frantically to convince myself that I was merely dehydrated from working out twice that day and then running after work.  I eased into the kitchen, gave her a kiss, and tried to nonchalantly help cut vegetables for dinner.  I remember telling myself to be calm.  She came into my life not too long before and I certainly didn’t want to place this burden on her.  We talked and within minutes I was frustrated as my mental state and ability to articulate diminished.  Suddenly I couldn’t say what was so obviously being processed through my brain.  The beast was back..and I had nowhere to run.  I recall putting both hands on the counter and putting my head down as I kept trying to repeat my sentence.  I could sense her being alarmed but I kept trying… “don’t quit”… “keep trying”… “don’t scare her”.  “Get my daughter out of here…she can’t see this”…suddenly Amber started to mumble.  “Oh sh&% she’s having a stroke”.  She wasn’t making sense.  Only recently would I learn that this was the stroke going “deeper” into another part of the brain that makes it hard for me to understand on top of my inability to speak.  “Get outside”…don’t let this happen in front of them”.  As the darkness faded again I was able to call friends (one a paramedic) and ask what to do, and to this day (actually as I’ve recently learned from a follow up appointment) the single act that quite possibly could have saved my life, and definitely prevented further damage, Amber had the wherewithal to give me Aspirin.

 

  We’d travel to Denver for further care after spending some time in the hospital here in Durango.  The ensuing months would prove frustrating for me in ways I’ve never talked about.  One surgeon downplayed the significance while another quickly set me straight.  I had a stroke.  A Trans Ischemic Attack (TIA)..a mini stroke.  As time has passed I’ve quietly dealt with the after effects and as I dive into the next round of visits with the neurologists I’m not quite certain I’ll ever be the same.  I have memory issues, I get confused easily, and at times I feel that otherworldly feeling like I’m here..yet not here.  Like something inside is stepping out for a walk on its own.  I’m just starting to learn the severity and lack of complete understanding that the medial world has on our brains.  It’s astounding how much we know, but more so how much we don’t know.  The aneurysm in my carotid artery is 6-7mm in diameter.  A #2 pencil is roughly 5-6mm in diameter.  What does that mean?  It’s BIG!  It’s partially calcified.  What does that mean?  My body essentially created a shield…a partial layer of armor around this time bomb protecting it from bursting..for now.  Once again..I was lucky.  Time has passed and I’ve tried to maintain some semblance of normalcy in my life and yet only I can see and feel what’s happened inside.  Thoughts aren’t processed quite the same.  I have a hard time expressing what in the past was so easy to say.  What I feel and think don’t always make it out with any semblance to what I intended.  I tire much more easily..and I forget things I wish I could hold onto. 

 

  That one evening changed so much in my life and this journey through the fog is far from over.  Recent follow ups have driven the point home of just how sever this really is.  The location of the aneurysm, my age, and the after affects of any procedure they will inevitably do are all factors that keep this process so frustrating.  I recently told a close friend that I’d rather not make it through another stroke should it happen again.  I struggle every day to open my eyes and accept the facts of what’s happened.  I’ve kept so much bottled up and hidden from the outside, trying desperately to get back to a “normal life”.  In reality it all changed in an instant.  Like the single stroke of a painters brush, my landscape was forever changed.  I’m grateful for each day in ways I never thought possible.  I appreciate the smallest things that seemed so trivial before.   Tucking my daughter in each night brings a tear to my eye (literally).  I pray for one more day EVERY DAY.  I’ve lost a relationship during this process with a woman who quite literally saved, if not my life, a piece of me that could have been lost in the fog, and I often wonder if she’ll ever grasp the importance of her being there.  That night has passed but the after effects are just beginning.  I struggle to live to the fullest and to conquer my fears and chase my dreams.  I am grateful for so much.  I was asked by a friend after sharing my story alongside a campfire last weekend “aren’t you afraid to die?”   The answer came so quickly it seems as if the fog had lifted for that single moment… “I’m not afraid to die..I’m afraid to NOT live.”  Our time here isn’t guaranteed.  Our relationships will end, our time will end, and our body will reach its end,  but it’s the moments in between that mean so much and push me to extend my own end.  No amount of fog can rob me of the memories that have made this life so worth the struggle.

Season of Change

Photo:  Brian Clark

  Standing in the kitchen window in the warm morning light, staring as the frost melts and steam arises from the fence, watching as the autumn leaves fall from the cottonwood outside my looking glass, I ponder the deadening silence surrounding me.  It’s early and I’ve been awake for hours processing…photographs, life, recent events, and the ghosts that chase me in the night and keep me tossing and turning, my bed sheets a tangled mess, my pillows soaked in tears and sweat.  Life can be a challenge at times for sure, but there are moments in all of our lives where we are stripped of our dignity and left to question our very own worth.  Staring out at that morning light, seeing the freshness in the air and the change in the seasons reminded me of these times and the beautiful opportunity it provides us to rediscover all that we “are” and to shed all that weighs us down and holds us back from the potential we all have within.  When we find ourselves in the darkness of life’s shade, sometimes all we need to do is step into the warm light and see the empty canvass before us, and embrace the opportunity to become all that we are, can be, and will be.

 

  The ebb and flow of life’s challenges can be stifling and disconcerting if it’s allowed to fester and boil inside of you.  The challenges we face can stop us dead in our tracks or we can sit quietly and look within while staring dead on at the challenges ahead.  Searching for the light around us can only help to guide us on the journey of our lives.  Like the chill in this morning’s cold autumn air, the fear of change can chill me to the bone.  Standing and watching those leaves make their mercurial journey to the already leaf laden yard reminded me that life is emulated in nature.  Our path isn’t always clear and we may find ourselves floating and fleeting in the winds at times, but ultimately we get to where we are supposed to be.   Like those leaves our life too is so full of color and change.  When we try and hold onto that which we are not meant to, we only prolong the inevitable.  The leaves turn colors, they fall when they are supposed to fall, they make the descent to where their flight and ultimate decay lead to new growth.  The sun will rise again and add its warmth to the cold chilly frost.  There were so many metaphors staring out that window..that looking glass into life’s lessons and natures beauty.  I stood paralyzed by the beauty of it all.

 

  When the seasons of change and unexpected shifts within our life span leave us feeling inadequate, like we’ve failed, or like we simply don’t belong anywhere, it’s such a comforting reminder to look out beyond our current experience deeper into that light.  To give ourselves fully to the moments in our life is, in my opinion, one of the greatest treasures that we can discover.  Fear begets fear..hate begets hate..anger begets anger..so on and so forth.  The willingness to sit quietly, observe, accept, and let go are so critical to finding my way through this life.  Looking within and finding my way there, instead of looking outward and blaming is unequivocally the single most important thing for me right now, for my only power lies in changing myself.  While we can’t avoid the inevitable and while seasons will change, we can look at the way we react to these things and make adjustments within.  To look to others, their faults, and become angry because you cannot influence an outcome is tantamount to throwing a temper tantrum because you can’t stop the leaves from falling.  Life has a way of working itself out and time waits for no one.  Looking out that window reminded me that as winter approaches and as seasons give way to new seasons, life is meant to be lived and letting go is a big step in that direction.  Let the leaves fall where they may and let the light in to melt the frost.  As the seasons of change fall upon your life, look within for the strength to endure.

Soul Trangression

We live in a constant state of flux.  Change is not only inevitable but constant.  I’ve been pretty content in the process of growing, changing, and just submitting to the changes in life.  Letting go has been difficult in my life but I’ve come so far.  Not looking back, rebuilding, and most of all accepting, are all things  I’ve worked tirelessly on in recent years.  Accepting my past, who I am (regardless if that changes) and the myriad of thoughts that run through my mind are by far the toughest challenges I’ve faced.   Being quiet with all of this, whether that be in mediation or in some activity where I tend to lose the outside static noise, is something I’ve found to be not only cathartic, but a place where I banish the dark parts as they arise.  One of my ongoing struggles has been fear.  The fear of failure, loss, starting over, etc, wreaks havoc in an otherwise peaceful state within me.  I struggle with pushing through so much.  Fear in the worldly sense is not often a roadblock for me.  I’m not too afraid of heights, trauma, pain (physical), fighting, bears, big waves, etc, etc, etc….and yet the simple fears that I face can often times seem insurmountable.  The fear of losing someone important and/or close to me can freeze me dead in my tracks.  It’s a huge contradiction when in reality I’ve been “alone” most of my life.  Even when surrounded by others, I’m alone inside and too afraid to get close for fear of losing someone.  It’s a labyrinth of emotions that I feel deep within, but as life has unfolded I’ve come to simply accept that getting really close to someone, genuinely close, might be beyond my reach.  My reactions to these situations just seem to exacerbate the cyclical thoughts and feelings that pass through me.  And so I’ve simply accepted this reality rather than face it, acknowledge it, work through it, and finally banish it.   Simply put; that is not an acceptable solution, it’s merely a delay in the inevitable.  Being afraid of the darkest parts within usiisn’t the way to get over the fear, and I of all people know this all too well.

 

  There is darkness within each of us.  No one comes into this world perfect in every way.  We develop habits and patters as we grow and many are never given the gift of realizing these things so that we may change and/or accept them.  For me it took someone standing there beside me, relentless and steadfast, for me to realize that something deeper was at play here.  Simply allowing someone in that close was a testament to the progress that I neither expected nor tried to make.  Then to realize that there were demons far more nefarious than I had imagined, well this has actually proven to be a gift.   The skeletons in my closet would turn out to be so much greater than I had imagined.  Had I suppressed my past in order to survive, or had I just ignored something hard to accept?  Unfortunately as time goes by, and the darkness spreads its wings, I realize that there has been an inordinate amount of suppression.  It’s a shock to the system, to say the least, to realize there’s something deeper when you felt as though you had come so far.  The fact that there’s a journey yet to make when you had travelled across a barren landscape of emotions can take the very breath from you and make you act irrationally. Feeling as though something so painful has suddenly reared its ugly head can make you feel defenseless, and yet deep inside all you know is that you have to face the darkness.   While your overwhelming fear (and patterns) tell you to stuff it down, to flee, you have to feel you way through it, all the while hoping and praying that you will dive into this dark pit not alone but with someone to hold your hand, hold you up, pick you up, and simply endure this journey with you.  However, that can be not only unrealistic but unfair to even hope fur such a gift.  Some journey’s must be made alone, and alone is the way I’ve gotten this far so if alone it must be, alone I shall go.  All I can do is feel my way through the darkness with the steadfast resolve of one on a mission.  I know the sudden exposure to these things have caused me to react to situations, people, and problems in a way that I’ve never seen.  Knowing that on the other side of all this lies a better me, a more refined human being, I face this battle, whether alone or with another hand in mine, I know I cannot run, I cannot hide, and most of all I cannot escape my past or any darkness that remains locked inside.   The only way to banish the darkness within is by facing it, trying to understand it, and ultimately accepting the good and the not as good within me and those around me.  The only way to soften the darkness is by bringing light into that space and for me that is sure to entail some digging, understanding and ultimately accepting.  I am steadfast in my resolve and unwavering; I will face this beast with relentless persistence. 

 

  I’m grateful for the lessons in this life, for the kindness shown me, and yet I cannot help but look at the sudden realization of this darkness as a soul transgression and a shakedown of my very character.  I see there is a problem, I know it comes from deep within, and far off, but at what cost will this enlightenment come?  Life is about learning, loving, accepting, and leaving this place a little bit better for having been here.  Kindness isn’t merely a virtue, in my opinion it’s an absolute necessity to a life well lived.  The fact that I’ve been faced with gushing anger, resentment, and confusion as a result of this life lesson is dumbfounding and perplexing and yet if I only apply I little kindness and compassion to myself, I can make peace with my mistakes and focus on facing this thing.  Life is a journey meant to challenge us.  As we age we add lessons to the quiver of lessons we carry through this life.  Will I conquer this beast?  With the help of those close to me (the ones that HAVE gotten in) and with a little grace, humility, and determination, I think I’ll actually grow from the experience.  Life’s lessons present themselves when we need them most.  My hope is that the damage isn’t too deep, the discoveries will be swift and the acceptance and moving forward even more so.   Looking within, I’ll find the darkness, feel my way through it, and bring light into that space…ultimately coming out the other side a bit better, a bit wiser, and maybe…just maybe…without too much collateral damage.  To those close…I feel you near, I hear your voices, and they fuel the fire to persevere.  Here’s to facing the darkness….and the transgression of the soul and all we thought possible.  In the end it matters not that we possessed something unexpected, and even dark within, only that we faced it.  Likewise….it matters little how we get through it…only that we didn’t walk alone, and if we did walk alone, at least we walked with grace and humility.  In the end…it matters that we were brave enough to stay the course and see it through.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aviccii ~ Wake Me Up

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

 

 

The Struggle

 

 The great conundrum of my life seems to be the art of letting go.  It’s been at the frontline of the battles waging within me; something for which I have struggled with for time immemorial.  I believe I was born for the struggle, destined to fight, and instinctively I see the downtrodden as the true warriors in this life, for it is at the limits of what we believe we can take that we discover the extra spirit within us to keep on going.  The battles that we wage within ourselves are no different.  When we feel we have lost ourselves, when we feel surrounded by darkness, the simple, primordial desire to fight, to stand, to hang on is often the only weapon that will see you through.  Stick-to-itiveness is at the essence of any great triumph or breakthrough.  The desire to breakthrough to the other side is quite simply the most beautiful act of poetry that I know.  To be lost, and thrown aside with selfish abandon, and yet to push through, discover, create, and find your way back to a beautiful place is the most noble of battles any man or woman could fight.  The simplicity is not only heroic, but resplendent and joyous.  When your soul is stripped to the core and you have no tools but sure grit…this is where you discover the warrior within yourself. 

 

  I find my biggest inspirations in overcoming insurmountable obstacles, doubt (self or otherwise) creeps into the spaces between our dreams and if left unchecked can slowly eat away at our passions, devouring the fire within.  When we allow the light within to diminish, to fade, to burn out, we are no more than an empty shell, a passionless human being on auto pilot.  Furthermore, when we do not follow our instinct, the results can be just as devastating.  Staying the course through thick and thin, fire and brimstone, hell and high water; this is the true essence of what it is to feed our soul with the life force that enables us to grow.  Through relentless persistence we can broaden our possibilities, and grow infinitely into the life we are meant to lead.  Whether it’s a matter of rediscovery, finding your way (or yourself) when you feel lost, achieving a goal, or pushing through a fear, if you simply hang on for that one moment longer, you can crest the summit of your fear and feel the momentum begin to pick up as you glide into the next cycle of your journey.

 

  In my life, along the path(s) I have chosen, there have been more obstacles than I often wish to share.  Many of these could have been avoided, were maybe even self imposed, and yet I would not be where I am today without each of these great teachers/moments.  I find that the defining moment in any relationship, struggle, climb, fight, or life changing event, is that single moment when you hang on, push through, struggle forth, through that one grain of doubt so prominent in your brain.  When your soul and heart take over to help you defy logic and get through to the other side.  On the other side of the spectrum is the ability to know which battles to stay and push through, and which require the ability to summon the strength to simply walk away.  The paradox within one whos nature is of a pugilistic foundation is the opposing strength that allows you to walk from a situation.  It’s a constant conundrum pulsating just below the surface of our being.   Both abilities are equal in their strength and yet at polar opposite ends of the spectrum, and yet you cannot push through to the pinnacle of your goals without the ability to know when to walk away, to tap, in order to save the energy within and allow that energy to be in reserve for the higher purpose. 

 

  Allowing yourself the gift of moving with the struggle, with the energies, and listening closely to your intuition, these are the qualities of a champion.  To embrace the struggle and to be true to your instincts are fundamentally critical to reaching your goals.  Shying away from conflict (running) will only beget the same results if it becomes a pattern, and yet you will only exhaust yourself if you push through any conflict that you face.  Sometimes the true strength lies in that ability to remove yourself from the situation.  Allowing yourself to walk away allows you the space to learn and grow from the experience and take that new knowledge forward into the next struggle.  That being said, the ability to dig deep and push through when you are certain it is what is right and persevere through the adversity…this is a beautiful gift that should be used intelligently, logically, and with grace.  All of life is a struggle to simply be who and what we are, to live our truth and to excel at the most incredible gifts we posses.  Kindness in the struggle is not optional but necessary.  Kindness to self, others, the process, and most of all kindness and compassion to those who are fighting their own battles.  Compassion, above all else, is the essence of the warrior.  Live your life prepared to push through (in whichever direction is necessary), prepared for the struggle, and always resilient in the desire to perfect your life.  Embrace the quality of stick-to-itiveness.  Live a life of love and fall in love with the journey of life.  Fall for the mercurial moments when we feel lost..see them as a chance to rediscover and embrace the grind.  Be not afraid to fail or to walk away because in surrendering we are not defeated..we merely fail forward.  Learn from the past, get back up, and push through to where your dreams take you.  Do not fear the unknown for it is in that space, facing the fear, that you can change the direction of your life and accomplish your dreams.  This is the place where we chisel our future from the hardness of our trials.  This is where we “find ourselves”.  Honor yourself and honor those around you.  Proceed into the unknown with the resolve and confidence that you have the ability to not only wage ware on the obstacles before you..but to struggle through to whichever side you need to be on.  Whether your fight is metaphorical, or literal, the ability to dig deep and push through will always see you through.  Finally, choose your battles carefully for not everything has to be a struggle, choose your words wisely for nothing cuts deeper, and when you choose a direction..make a choice..decide where the battle lies…go for it with all you’ve got.

Shutter

  I was 14 when I picked up my first camera.  In that first semester in my “Introduction to Photography” class I’d discover the childhood and youth I felt I lost so long before.  I found my innocence and a space of clarity behind the lens.  I’d discover my voice in the silence of countless images.  The silenced child within me would scream loudest every time I released the shutter.  Slowly over time I’d begin to develop images within the school’s darkroom, but I’d find the peace inside of me to develop who I was, and to emerge a better person.  The love affair would develop slowly and has lasted a lifetime.  The sound of a shutter releasing would forever be ingrained in my soul.  My life would become a series of images, a virtual cornucopia of images, moments, and elegance frozen in time.  The feel of the barrel of the lens in my hand and the weight of the camera melting into my soul.  I knew then, as I know now, that my life and my mind consisted of images in time, captured and stored within.  I spoke loudest when I was silently capturing images.  One single decision at such a young age (to sign up for that class) changed the entirety of my life.

 

  To this day I can recall these sensations.  I still love the sound of the shutter.  I still love the sensation of capturing a moment in time.  I can still smell the developer, stopper, and fixer in the darkroom…the dripping of the chemicals back into the bath as I hung my images.  When I’m in my space, wandering with camera at the ready, I see things that I am sure no one else can see.  I don’t see apparitions but I see the moments between the feelings.  I see the light within the smiles.  I feel like I can capture the happiness between the pain and the truth that is just below the surface.  Unlike a movie playing through our minds, as our brains continually roll from reel to reel, I feel the power of stopping time with the simple release of the shutter.   Light touching a subject, dancing all around and gently brushing in backlit glory, the wisps’ of one’s hair.  These are just a few of the things I see through my lens.  Like a dilating pupil I can turn the aperture this way or that..adjusting to the dancing light.  I’m in a space all my own as I create, as I paint with light, as I capture the fire flies of life’s memories.   

 

  My dad bought me my first camera (Pentax K1000) by scraping and working extra.  I remember the sleepless night it became my own.  I had no film yet, merely the box with no memory.  A camera waiting to capture the fireflies spinning in my mind.  I’m not sure I ever thanked him for that camera or all it took to make sure his son was simply equipped for his class.  Little did he know he’d change the course of my whole life and give me the voice I so needed.  Little did he know he’d bring so much color into my life and so much joy to my soul.  That one camera set me off on a journey that will only end when my heart makes its final shutter release.  I am certain my father never knew that handing me that camera was worth more than any kid, any man, any human being could ask for.  He handed me the key to my soul and he’s been one of my biggest fans ever since.  He’d let me tag along on endless weekends to his part time job at a raceway where I’d hone my skills with my camera.  He’d always look at my images like he was looking deep into the life of a National Geographic Photographer.  He gave me a way to escape all the turmoil and to paint over the pain with the release of that shutter.  Thank you dad…for giving me not only the gift of “life” but the gift of living within this life.  I may never be a Pulitzer prize winning photographer..but I know in your eyes I have always been one!  Through my lens, through your gift, you’ve given me art and expression.  Happy Father’s Day Dad!