Brevity

  I find it fitting that the approximate size of our heart is equal to the size of our fists.  Immeasurable is the actual depth yet I’m convinced there are limitless possibilities there.   Of more certainty is the brevity for which you can sustain certain emotions within said heart.  The metaphor isn’t lost on me when it comes to my heart being the size of my fist for my fists represent the fighting end of my spirit.  There’s a correlation there between that space.  At the end of our hearts, there’s the will to fight.  Buried within us there’s an indomitable spirit to fight to maintain what lies within that fist-sized muscle.  There is a truth and innocence in finding the spirit to remain open to the tsunami of emotions that our hearts can emit.  Like a new dawn melting away the frost, we can allow our emotions to flow freely and unencumbered.  We can dig deep and fight for what we feel inside, unapologetically and without fear.  We honor ourselves when we acknowledge and freely feel what others try and stuff down.  There’s poetry in reaching deep and letting what lies within flow freely as opposed to damning the rushing waves.  Giving yourself space and permission to feel those emotions can allow you to fight one more round for what you want, believe, or believe.

  We are, each of us, beautiful in so many ways and when you feel stifled, beaten down, unappreciated, or like you simply aren’t enough, you really only need to turn inward to find the light and passion that lies deep within.  Learning to tap into something beyond the basal level of emotions is a journey that can be wayward, scary, ridiculous, but ultimately it’s an awakening.  You have the right to feel whatever it is you are feeling.  You have the right to share it but you have an absolute duty to honor it.  While those you love can give you space and freedom to open up on such a level, only you can find the courage to do so before the brevity of the situation is lost in the next wave of emotion.  Travel lightly, speak your truth, and eventually, you will find a virtual tap has been opened allowing you to express, love, share, and feel in ways you likely didn’t think possible.  Ball up those fists (figuratively) and swing for the fences.  Face your fears and step into a cleansing synergy where love meets reality.  Be brave, love kindly, hope, and open yourself to the idea of accepting your own feelings. 

  It’s taken me 43 years and many hard fought battles, painful lessons, and tears beyond description to finally allow myself to feel THAT deeply.  I cannot imagine bottling up those deep and beautiful feelings that reside in the deepest recesses of my heart and soul ever again.  Therein lies a freedom that I will ever embrace.  While what lies there may not be received, it matters little as long as you honor, allow, feel and release those things and in turn receive the knowledge that comes with releasing something so terrifying (to some)…something so difficult to feel, much less share.  Do not stand by or stuff down what is in your heart.  Speak your truth and set yourself free!  You don’t “feel too much”…not for the right person/people.  Feel it, release it, love it, embrace it, and accept it and I promise you will feel a deeper sense of worth!

  So open the flood gates, roll with the punches, fight for love and honor, and when the reservoir has become empty…dance in the silence and embrace the emptiness for it is nothing more than a clean slate and a chance to start over.  Give yourself permission to refill that space with the beautiful feelings you already possess.  

Inside Out

 Love begins, ends, lives, and is perpetuated from within.  We spend our lives searching for approval, for love, and for affection that already lives within each of us.  I recently watched a video where it was pointed out that we enter into this life with no knowledge.  We don’t know good from bad.  

Someone has to teach us, therefore we are conditioned at a very young age to seek out acceptance, affirmation, and love.  Add social media to the mix and you instantly have a virtual boiling pot for acceptance seekers.  Don't get me wrong I've been there.  We can also find ourselves seeking out these things, and many more, when we were unfortunate enough to find these things neglected in our youth.  These two examples are troubling when you look at those around you and bear witness to their constant need for approval, likes, etc.  It’s far more common than I think we will admit. Walk into any coffee shop with Wi-Fi and it’s likely a land of social media zombies staring at any given device and yet there’re tangible souls sitting within arm’s reach.   We’ve forgotten the most important “connection” isn’t to the internet…but to one another and more so oneself.

  As a photographer I am conditioned to see the beauty all around me.  My eyes are drawn to what “I” feel is beautiful and yet to many what I see as beautiful is anything but.  I find joy beyond description in finding beauty where many see none.  I'm always saddened when I have a client who wants me to remove a blemish, cover a freckle, etc.  As I've gotten older I've learned to put the camera down, make the client FEEL beautiful (respectfully and appropriately so) before I pick up my camera in hopes of showing them just how beautiful they truly are.  It's an aspect of my craft that I'm extremely passionate about.  There's nothing that makes me happier than to see someone who lacks self-esteem fall in love with their own photograph and maybe fall a little more in love with themselves.  I have been privileged to photograph so many beautiful places, animals, sunsets, and so on, but my favorite still is capturing the beauty in people. I have a very good friend, we'll call her Jordan, who was a part of a photo shoot that still warms my soul years later.  We had known each other prior so we already had that dynamic going for us.  I already knew her to be a lover of her own being.  She's an amazing soul and I knew it wouldn't be hard to photograph her.  There were 4 other women at that evening’s session and all but Jordan were tense.  She was there early to help me set up and as the ladies trickled in the anxiety was palpable.  Jordan took control and welcomed each lady, made them comfortable and helped me turn the evening into one of my most memorable shoots of my career.  Photographing women can be tough.  They are constantly bombarded with what society, media, and retailers want us to think is beautiful.  With such grace Jordan assured each lady of her beauty.  I like to think I took part but this was different. Most people, men especially, would think that photographing four either scantly clad, or nude, woman as something simple and yet it’s very nerve wracking.  It's a part of my craft to maintain a professional level of confidence....and being the father of a little girl...a man who was married to a wonderful woman for 16 years....and what I hope is a decent man...it's my job to be respectful and assure these ladies are safe but the energy from Jordan was a game changer for me.

   So that evening I saw a side of my friend Jordan that I had never seen (no pun intended)...not only was she such an incredible lady to assist me in comforting the others but when she stepped in front of the  lights there was instantly a synergy between model and photographer.  Way beyond the often used "natural" adjective.  There was an energy between us.  Nothing inappropriate at all.  It was beautiful.  Knowing her prior and feeling comfortable with myself gave me a personal level of comfort and I felt a sense of love photographing her.  Her love for herself was stunning and it just flowed back and forth.  Of the thousands of images I have taken, they're still some of my favorite portraits. 

   You see in my opinion Jordan didn’t step in front of my lens for approval.  She already loved herself as completely as she could.  She cared little who “liked” her photos…she was there to bear her soul.  She'd be the first to tell you she's a work in progress, as we all are.  She took part in this shoot so she could give her husband a unique Christmas gift.  My point is that when we love ourselves first and fundamentally, we no longer have the need to find it externally.  The need is abolished and it's a beautiful thing to feel or even witness.  No longer do we have to spend our time and energy in vain pursuits.  All we have and need is right here. When we reach this place it’s rarely a onetime trip, it too is a work in progress.  It ebbs and flows like any relationship and yet it becomes easier as you relentlessly cultivate love for yourself.  Suddenly we can enter another relationship with a partner without our old tried and failed habits and expectations.  Sure you can still have boundaries and certain qualities such as honesty, devotion, etc...but when your partner loves themselves to the point of not searching for it externally, there's a synergy waiting to be explored!   The sum of two becomes greater than they would be on their own, and yet on their own either is still whole.  The challenges of relationships will still apply.  Boundaries will be established and without buy in, effort, constant communication, and the willingness to work back and forth, well even two souls fully in love with themselves cannot make things work without negotiation, understanding, etc.  It’s not magic and in fact it’s more work to maintain that love of oneself while still being attentive to your partner.

   Making the conscious effort to dig deep and love ourselves is tricky.  It’s a foreign concept in this day and age and especially in this country.  We care more, and spend more time and money, cultivating the “image” we want and perceive as “good”.  It’s a conundrum when you are photographer.  You are supposed to show beauty and yet my personal journey (especially over the last few years) has been exactly what I speak of…learning to accept and love myself first, and at all costs.  I’m far from perfect and I too am a work in progress but I see my path and no matter how many times I fall down, I rise again and keep moving forward.  So when we spend all that time and money on an image, how is it surprising that we become such a superficial bunch?  As my journey has unfolded I have blundered, fallen off the wagon so to speak, and failed in my own ways but my hope is that by sharing my thoughts maybe it will touch one person and help them to see that what I see through my lens (as many photographers will tell you) is merely a reflection of what’s inside.  Don’t be afraid to face the brutalities (if they exist) of your past.  They will haunt you until you banish them, accept them, move around them, or understand them, eventually paving the way for a deeper sense of love for oneself.  You may think you are fully capable of loving another but if you allow the pain(s) of the past to remain…they will continue to remain just that..roadblocks.  You allow the past to hold and harness your energy and no matter what you may think, it’s affecting your ability to love yourself fully and therefore your ability to love another fully.  All the time spent refining your exterior will do nothing to refine what is deeper and more important, what lies within.  As a society we pour all that money into gym memberships, the right makeup, so on and so forth, but we seem to be unwilling or afraid to invest in the inside.  Sometimes that requires help.  Our fear to seek help from the outside (in the way of therapy, counseling, or whatever you want to call it) is a complete contradiction to our desire and willingness when we seek acceptance from the outside!  It’s a shame and my journey over the last few years has in fact involved outside “help” and I’m so proud and unashamed to admit it.  It’s random, all over the place, and at differing times, but sitting with someone and actually “working” through the process is exactly what it took for me to be where I am today and I have zero regrets.  My hope and goal is to be the best version of myself that I can be not only for me but for my children.  No excuses.  Less judgmental, more aware and resilient in my boundaries in ALL relationships, more kind, and most of all more loving to myself and in turn those around me. 

  I’m grateful to all who have helped me along the way, including those who were a part of the tougher aspects of the journey, the painful aspects.  The one’s I see in the rearview and yet I can smile deeply and know I did my best and will continue to do so, and hoping I helped them along on their own journey.  Knowing I’ve faced the demons of my past, worked tirelessly to understand, accept and embrace all that I am, I can look in the mirror and know that being in love means loving who and what I am first and foremost, and loving what is indeed in the mirror right before me.  No arrogance, no cockiness, just a love of who I am.  I am confident that continuing to do so will someday find me in a place where a partner of the same ilk stands before me fully in love with herself, complete, whole, and willing to do the work!  There’s nothing sexier than confidence and that starts with self-love through and through.  An often used cliché, that consequently makes me uncomfortable, is “you complete me”.  In my eyes that statement should read “you compliment me”.  Seek out those like Jordan, who exude and reciprocate the energy that lies within you.  Find and cultivate the possibilities for synergistic, equal, and divine love! Do the work internally and watch the beauty flow from within.  Be willing to accept yourself fully and meet others right in the middle.  Do not look, or expect, for something within another that you do not possess within yourself, or are not willing to cultivate and share.  It’s not about “change”….it’s about “growth”.  So go out, find yourself, discover the untapped possibilities, harness what’s inside, meditate, cooperate, collaborate, compromise when it’s reciprocated, refine where necessary but above all…look within and you shall never find yourself without!  Live with your heart wide open....love from the inside out!  Everything you “need” lies within you!

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Not Yet

  

  In August of 2008, after years of being a climber, I fell nearly 20’ onto a rock the size of a basketball driving my right heel into it, breaking my heel bone clean in half and dislocating (rare) my ankle while breaking bones in it AND tearing several tendons.  Traumatic is a gross understatement.  I had to wait two weeks for surgery due to the grotesque swelling.  I was so jacked up on pain meds (I suck at those) I saw butterflies on the walls…my kids were dwarfs one night..and the walls moved constantly.  Ultimately they did the surgery before I was really ready because gangrene set in right at the break.  I signed my leg away that morning because the doctor didn’t think she could save it.  I was happy to do so after two weeks of hell.  I will never (as long as I live) forget that pain.   I never thought anything could be worse.  Then I lost my wife of 16 years….and I’d gladly have jumped off a boulder twice as high and crushed both legs, heels, ankles..anything to avoid that pain.  At the time I’d have given so much more to not lose her.  I lost so much (monetarily as well as emotionally) over the ensuing year of a bitter divorce.  If there’s a rock bottom I found it, fell through it, and kept going even deeper.  My very soul was broken.  There are weeks upon weeks that I don’t remember out of sheer agony.  I cried more than I thought humanly possible.  I went two months without seeing my kids or even speaking to them on the phone (not her fault..tactical faux pas by her inexperienced attorney).  I held on by the thinnest of margins and eventually stood to fight back.

  I stood again (literally) due to the remarkable skills of a team of surgeons lead by Dr. Furry at Durango Orthopedic and one very determined physical therapist.  I vividly remember my first day of therapy.  My surgeon came with me because I was “too bull headed to listen (wrote that one down)”.  Eric was my therapist.  I’ll never forget his name.  As I was wheeled in he had all the implements I’d use through my therapy lined up on the wall.  Wheelchair (I was in it), walker, crutches, and a cane.  I still remember looking at those “contraptions” and looking him dead in the eye after his explanation of my progression and telling him “You can put that walker and cane back in the closet…I won’t be needing those”.  I’d never touch either.  8 months would go by and right in the middle of that time my divorce ensued.  Add on more pain.  Eventually I’d lose all I had in the fight to remain a full time dad, yet I kept my leg and once again learned to get back up.  When I say everything, I mean all but the basics.  I had a bed, a dresser, a truck I inherited (along with the payment) from the divorce, and a couch.  There were a few other bits and pieces but I started over. 

  I’d eventually give it all on the negotiating table to keep the kids here and remain their full time dad.  I’d be “awarded” 50% custody and immediately I’d realize being a single father with no family within 1000 miles would far surpass the difficulties I’d faced the previous year.  It’s never gotten easier and as my daughter reached the teen years I’d realize just how difficult life could be.  I’d proudly watch my son graduate high school, meet his first love, and carry on to his first semester of college.  I’d eventually not only call my ex-wife my friend but I’d realize she’s one I am able to talk to in some of the rough seas I’d face going forward.  She’d be the one to still reach out and help me when I didn’t understand a pre-teen, and then teen, daughter.  We’d still balance one another’s weaknesses as parents.  I’d find love again and lose it again but this time with the tools to not only cope but to have the clarity to be quiet, listen, and learn from the pain.  I’d pay off the mountain of debt through pure grit and hard work.  I learned the beautiful art of creating boundaries for myself.  Both boundaries of how far I am willing to go and how much I am willing to take.  I’d learn the critical skill of walking away.  I’d not only walk again but I’d run when I was told I “would never”.  I’d fight again when I was told it was impossible and too dangerous.  I’d survive a stroke (or three) and a couple of broken hearts (I’m still not sure which is worse). 

  Through these times I’ve learned what true love looks like and what true pain feels like.  I’ve learned what kindness looks like and what real friends are.  I’d close my circle of friends and understand that the smaller the circle, the deeper the depth.  I’m still learning and growing each day.  I’m still refining and learning to say when enough is enough and yet know when the fight is worth it.  I’ve gone on to survive my second motorcycle crash (22 years apart).   I look back at my life and I want to laugh.  My biggest hero is my dad and through it all he’s stood there not only as my father but as my biggest fan.  His living vicariously through me, cheering me on, picking me up, and being an amazing example fuels my fire beyond words.  I simply want to make him proud and I’ve learned that the best way I can do that is to get up and keep going.  Get knocked down 7 times…get up 8 and start firing back!  I hope that someday my kids can look up to me and appreciate all the risks, crashes, pain and lessons I’ve learned and wholeheartedly say “damn my dad was pretty kick ass” and take that ability to endure and go on to the greatness I know lies within each of them. 

  I worry daily that my time is short.  I’ve beat the odds so many times I wonder if I’ve used all 9 lives or if it’s just my way of learning…being so hard headed I figure it’s a bit of both.  More than anything I worry that the aneurysm in my head will someday give way and without a chance to say goodbye I’ll leave this place.  I am still so full of faults and yet I embrace the opportunity to learn and grow.  I still believe in love and can even turn to an ex-wife and talk about our hopes for our own individual futures, that in itself is a form of love.  I fear I’ll not make enough of a mark on the hearts and minds of my kids before I go.  I know when the day comes I’ll go down fighting for that last breath and the chance for just one more round…one more day..one more chance to live an amazing day.  I don’t want to be famous.  I just want to live a life worth remembering.  I often talk about the best day ever but what most fail to see is that there’s something amazing in each day I’m given.  I try and make gratitude a daily practice.  I don’t wait for the best parts of my day…I seek them out.  I don’t know what lies ahead but after so many times of getting back up, and yet realizing the fear discussed in this very paragraph, you start to realize maybe it’s okay to think about a future.  For so long I’ve simply lived in the moment.  Never looking beyond what I thought was “today”.  Slowly I’m realizing that maybe “today” encompasses the entirety of my life and it’s okay to see the bigger picture.  Its okay to dream, plan, hope and wonder beyond the mercurial path my life has taken.  Perhaps the pain was simply the soil that would nurture the hope and allow my horizons to broaden and my heart to grow.  I like to think that learning to set boundaries has been tantamount to decreasing my social circle..it adds depth and perspective.  I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

  I face the fear of death daily.  Anyone who’s lived with an aneurysm can testify that it’s terrifying on a whole new level.  While it’s deemed “stable” it’s still there.  Kinda like the pain..it passes but the lessons are still there.  To feel pain is to feel life.  To beat the odds is simply a matter of deciding to get back up.  To see the good in the bad is simply a choice.  To live a life worth remembering is nothing more than a matter of dedication to dream no matter how distant it may be.  It’s nice to come through all of this and yet still appreciate the scars, to accept the existence of that which could end your dream, and still remain intact, happy, hopeful, and able to walk another step closer to the future which you thought you didn’t have.  I can’t change my past but I can walk further away from it with each passing day and yet hold onto the lessons it’s taught me.  My story is no different and maybe less difficult than many others but I’m free once again to dream and to look out at the horizon at a beautiful life..no matter how long it may be.  I feel lucky to have lived this life the way that I have.  The odds are that my luck will eventually run out…..but not yet!  

Champion

  The fear of public speaking is often referred to as one of the greatest fears of man, second only to death.  Fear can, and often is, a debilitating emotion.  It can either motivate us to extents for which we knew not existed or it can be debilitating and leave us in a figurative crumpled mess on the floor.  Fear is the great equalizer among us all.  Perhaps it is not fear that controls us but the inability to face it unaided.  We all are faced with fears on a daily basis and in all facets of our life.  The fear of failure, the fear of public humiliation, and one of the greatest fears above all else, including death, is the fear of being alone.  Learning to face whatever fears arise in your journey can be particularly rewarding, regardless of outcome, if you simply acknowledge the fact that fear is nothing but a feeling.  It’s our body’s red flag to something before us, which is complex, uncomfortable, and quite often a danger either physically, emotionally, spiritually, or socially.  Fear if left unchecked often keeps us from greater heights as well as greater goodness.  Fear is there to challenge us and to take us somewhere for which we cannot go if we don’t look it in the face and find a way through it, around it, over it, or to abolish it from the situation.  To be the champion of your own fear is to be the champion of your very soul.  Fear so often keeps so many from something far greater just beyond its reach.  It is possible to overcome any fear if you’re willing to become your own champion and reach deep within to face the fears in the deepest recesses of your inner self.

 

  For those willing to sit quietly and simply allow their own fears to surface it can be quite intimidating.  To be still in a space where we are terrified of the outcome, in and of itself, can be completely overwhelming.  Every day we make the choice to face so many obstacles and quite frankly fear is one for which most people would much rather just avoid.  Ultimately we face these demons in absolute solitude.  We can hire a guide to help us face our fear of heights, or the act of barreling down the face of an immense wave, and yet in the moment of truth we are truly alone as we cross the threshold to the other side.  While we can employ the services of a coach to help us learn to speak in front of a crowd, we stand alone in the moment of truth.  With a quiver full of tools for which we’ve acquired throughout our lifetime, we still must stand and face our fears virtually naked and alone.  In the quest to live a great life we must always move forward and never grow stagnant or comfortable.  To push your limits is merely a way to move those “limits”, take a step forward and do it again.  A life void of challenges is no life at all.  We must face our challenges, fears, obstacles, problems, and situations alone!  Regardless of who’s in your corner you are your own champion.  When the bell rings, no on steps into the cage of life except you!

  Quietly you can reach outwardly for support, for a champion, for someone who believes in you, but in the end, and in the heat of the battles you will face it is YOU who will face down the demons that haunt you.  When you realize that the only person who is permanent in your life is the one looking at you in the mirror, you can stop searching outwardly for support….for someone to be your champion…and realize in that very moment that you have all that you need within to allow you to overcome any obstacle you face.  We all want support.  We all want even just that one person who will have your back in the worst of times and yet again as life progresses and we age, we find that as the seasons of life change and we walk on, the one person we can rely on is that same man (or woman) staring at us in the mirror.  No one can fight our battles for us, and quite frankly no one can understand what’s inside us, so we must learn to retreat within our own minds and find the courage to take the next step. 

  As a species I don’t believe we are meant to be alone and yet I believe that until we learn to be alone we cannot truly push the limits that have held us back on so many levels.  Until we learn to retreat deeper within and face the fears that hold us back, until that time, we cannot make the steps forward into the greatness that awaits us.  The most debilitating obstacle we all face is the fear of being alone.  As a society we are so incredibly “social” in nature that there’re no mysteries anymore.   Every corner of the earth seems to have been discovered.  Every mountain has been climbed, and still the greatest journey lies within us and yet most are so afraid to climb deep within and see the majesty that we all possess internally.  We surround ourselves with distractions, people, photos, etc.  Social media has taken the mystery out of anything.  It takes only a matter of minutes to log on and “get to know” someone.  There’re no unexplored arenas when we put ourselves out there to the extent that we are no longer anonymous.  That fear of being unseen, unheard, and alone has created an incredible vortex of information and societal backwash filled with information overload.  That fear of being alone (or anonymous) has crippled our sense of adventure.  The utter fear of solitude has led us to put it all out there on public display hoping that someone will notice us.

  We are all guilty…even me, and yet through the trials of the last couple years in my life I’ve found the greatest strength when I realize I am truly alone!  People come and go, time waits for no one, and the ever-present constant is simply the fact that we are alone.  No one will pick up the sword and charge forward on your behalf.  No matter how close someone is, they cannot get inside and understand the fears you face.  All too often those you’ve let in simply turn and walk away and that’s just how life goes.  It’s one of the greatest gifts in life, to let someone in close, and yet again until you realize you still stand alone you cannot truly appreciate the incredible gift of having that someone so close.   A beautiful metaphor (which I seem to utilize often) is that life is so incredibly similar to the art of pugilism.  It’s a constant dance full of battles, rests, grace, and love!  Yes love!  And yet until we realize that no matter who is in our corner we must do our fighting alone…we cannot truly embrace or appreciate the ability we have to become our own champion!  Until we can take a step back and embrace the silence and overcome the fear of being alone/anonymous….we cannot truly take the steps forward and push our limits to the next level.  Until we stop counting the number of “likes” we have, or the number of “friends” we have…until then we cannot appreciate those who stand closest to us…who stand in our corner and become the champions (in their own right) who will see us off into each obstacle/battle we face.  Until we lift the fog of false pretense that surrounds us daily, we will not see the beauty which still lies not only before us, but deep within us in the quiet spaces devoid of anything but the pure beauty that we all posses. 

  Personally it’s been an awkward journey for me as well.  Something I’m still working on as I retreat back to the foundations I know exists.  As the circle (of friends, companions, supporters, etc.) continues to shrink, by choice, I find that those still standing in my corner are so much more radiant, supportive, and genuine.  There’s an authenticity that exists when you go forth to face all of your fears with the subtle support of your inner circle and yet with the most profound knowledge that in the end…you stand alone to face your demons!  So be your own champion and whatever challenges you face don’t muddy the waters with distractions.  Don’t expect others to numb the pain.  Fear not what lies before you and trust deeply in the abilities, strength, and fortitude that lies within you!  Fear is nothing but a feeling and like all feelings it too shall pass!  So stand up and face it head on like the champion you are!

Against The Grain

  I can see it clear as a blue-sky day all of these years later.  I can hear the whine and rip of the table saw tearing through a piece of lumber.  I can still see his faded, ragged, and torn red flannel.  More than anything I can see the indiscreet smile on his face.  I can hear the muffled sounds of Credence Clearwater Revival wheezing from the old 1980’s battery operated boom box with an old wire hanger where the antenna used to be.  His old cassette tape sounding worn and tired.  I can hear the sound of the heater buzzing in the corner on a cold Texas winter night.  As I stepped into that two-car garage I could barely stand the smell permeating the entire space.  The oil based lacquer, the polyurethane finish.   I still remember 20+ years later the man standing there covered in sawdust, lost in a virtual snowstorm of wooden dust.

  Countless times I ventured into that garage to grab my skateboard, my surfboard, or just pass through to the friends waiting in the driveway.  I don’t remember a time that he didn’t stop me and try to grab a moment of my attention.  His teenage son.  Too preoccupied to realize how incredibly valuable those mere moments would be half a lifetime later.  I rarely took the time to listen, much less spend a few hours with him learning a craft that has become so lost in the generations to follow.  Watching dad toil his time away seemed so senseless and boring.  Dad would spend hours in his garage alone.  No son(s) to pass his craft onto.  The young bravado and arrogance was far too imposing for me to allow a few hours doing something as monotonous and boring as woodwork.  Behind my rolling eyes as I ignored his requests for help, time together, or simply a quick conversation lay an attitude for which I still cannot wrap my mind around.  How could dad spend so long picking through lumber, looking at the grain, smelling the wood, and sighting along its axis?  My ignorance was only superseded by my arrogance.  Who had time to hang out with their “old man” in his garage doing stupid woodworking projects that were so useless?

  The irony isn’t lost on me today.  I’m about the age dad was when many of these memories were formed.  I remember his hair was the color that mine is today.  Brown giving way and surrendering to the gray that will take us into the second half of this life.  Not all that long ago, out of nowhere, a blind ambition surfaced to build something with my hands.  Not from metal, as I spent a long time working with metal, fabricating, and welding, but with something that grew from our earth, was part of the mountains and trees I’ve come to love in a life spent in the wild and high places across this globe.  I wanted to pick up something beautiful and turn it into something useful.  I wanted to pick up a piece of wood and make it into something worth remembering.  Suddenly I was interested in the character of a piece of lumber.  The smell of a freshly sanded, milled, planed, or jointed piece of wood simply fills my olfactory senses.  The character in the grains can captivate my attention for what seems like hours.  My spare time and what little money I have seems to go to acquiring the tools I so blatantly ignored him trying to educate me on.  I find myself in the garage picking endlessly through repurposed lumber, looking for the best piece.  I search woodworking magazines for tips.  If my friends and colleagues viewed my YouTube history they’d probably get a good laugh from the playlist(s).

  Dad learned the craft from his dad and he tried desperately to pass the baton and show me a thing or two and yet I was too caught up in the life I thought was endless.  Only after a series of strokes, damage to my head that very well could be irreparable, do I look back with eyes full of tears wishing I could have one of those moments back.  I find as my own life crosses the threshold to “midlife”, and I face the medical challenges I never saw coming, that I don’t really regret much.  I’ve had an amazing life full of adventures from the Himalayas, the mountains of Alaska, and the beaches of Hawaii and California.  And yet what I long for most are those simple moments with the ones I love.  The missed opportunities.  The times wasted chasing the things I’d only come to find later in life really meant so little in the end.

  All these years later I’d find solace and comfort in the very place I passed by and left him standing there alone all those years ago.  If just I could be the friend in the driveway…grab that young me and slap the ever loving shit out of him and tell him to get back in there and take the time, invest the time, and take the torch and run with it.  What I’d give for an hour in that garage.  I find myself doing projects now in the medium he has loved for most of his life, craving his help, his advice, his simple tricks and most of all….the priceless gift of the time spent with the man I’ve come to admire, look up to, and for whom I try every day to live up to.  Little did I know back then that the short moments, the tiniest bit of time, could shape so much and would become an irreplaceable commodity somewhere down the line.  How could I ever know that I’d find myself all but begging my own kids (at the ages I was back then) to lend me a hand (that I don’t technically need) on the next wood project, to help hold a board as I cut simply hoping I could steal a moment of their time.  To sit with me and sand an old board into something beautiful. 

  Dad is still here and yet I rarely spend the time he deserves with him.  He’s a thousand miles away now.  One of the hardest decisions I ever made (or will) was to move my family to a better life high in the Colorado Rockies and to this day he’s my biggest supporter of the struggle, the decision, and he lives vicariously through my adventures.  Little does he know I push myself on these adventures because I know he lives a little each day through the photos, videos, and stories I write about, share with him, etc.  I hope one day he realizes he fuels my drive and keeps me going when most of the world would understand if I hung up my hat and simply sat on the porch and enjoyed the days I’m left with.  I hope he knows how important the few possessions I have that were crafted by his hand are to me.  The few projects where I took the time out to help him with are now things for which I cannot imagine NOT having in my home.  Should my house catch fire, and knowing my kids were safe, I’d run back into this blazing home simply to retrieve those “things” because to me they are more important than any other “thing” within these walls.  I’d risk it all to save those things where I know we shared the time, where I know he coached me through the cuts, our hands together formed the worthless planks into something that would come to mean so much.  I can only imagine the comical look on the faces of the bystanders as some crazy lunatic ran back into his house for a TV stand his dad made during his senior year in high school, the bookcase they made together, or the candle holder they made together from a piece of Aspen during one of dads visits shortly after we moved here.  Those simple little things are beyond monetary value and are simply and without question priceless to me.  They represent the moments where I took the time to invest in the time that would soon fade away.  Time with a man I’d come to appreciate beyond words half a lifetime later.  These moments I now spend alone in a garage looking at the grain, hoping that my son and daughter will someday see the value in time and stop for a moment and NOT run against the grain.  I love you pops!  I’d give it all back to have an hour in the garage with you!

The Unforgiven

  I’ve had two conversations this very day that have really rattled my cage.  Nothing in particular that anyone has said, in fact these are two people in my life whom I value tremendously, just reoccurring themes presented.  The last few years have been just about the hardest I could have ever imagined.  We all go through hell but quite frankly I have no qualms about saying the time period in question for me is quite exceptional.   I don’t for one minute believe there aren’t many out there who’ve had it far worse…and maybe even didn’t make it through to the other side, but for me I was given a wakeup call (via an aneurysm and strokes) right in the middle of my migration from the absolute hell I endured at the hands of another (2 actually).  I also don’t intend to deflect blame from my own wrong doings, missteps, or mistakes.  I know all too well my faults.  Through the sh$$ storms I speak of I was inept at the ability to simply draw a line in the sand and keep myself, my heart, my soul and most of all my kids safe.  I allowed two people to step into my life and absolutely, relentlessly, maliciously, and willingly turn all I knew upside down.  I own that and I own that there were/are lessons to learn from it.  I’ve spent countless hours doing something over these years that I’ve been petrified of…going to see a counselor.  He’s also my friend so it made it way easier.  In that time I’ve learned more than I could ever articulate sufficiently.  He’s an amazing friend, counselor, supporter, and human being.  I’ve also dug deeper within myself than I ever thought possible.  I’ve not only stood back up but I’ve learned that standing back up is mandatory but learning form the knock down is optional.  I don’t know any other way but to get back up and keep going.  What’s new is looking at where I’m going and choosing a path less prone to the knock down.  I’ve learned to establish boundaries.  With my kids, friends and yes finally in relationships.  I’ve always been a fighter.  Straight up brawler and more than anything my ability to take an ass kicking is evident in the scars I wear.  But that kind of fighting never really transfers to relationships.  When it comes to that point (physical fighting) there are no boundaries, it’s survive, beat or be beaten.  I’ve lived so deeply in that place for most of my life that there was just one giant gray area.  I didn’t know when or where to take the gloves off and yet in my relationships I’d go into passive mode..defensive.  Mainly because I was raised to not be aggressive towards a woman, NEVER EVER raise a hand, much less my voice at a woman and so when I inevitably found myself in a couple of relationships where I was passive to a fault I let things happen that weren’t okay. 

  So I’ve learned to use my voice.  To speak up without the need to yell.  To say “this is where I am, who I am, and what I can and cannot live with”.  Without angst, hate, or ill will.  I am simply me and you are you.  Let’s go a few rounds (pun intended) and see how this works.  With the help of Craig I’ve learned to look at “me”.  To be okay with tough feelings and to know that when the sh$$ storm hits (because they always will in one way or another) you can sit quietly, acknowledge the pain and simply hold onto the love for yourself and suddenly the storm will pass and you’ll be okay.  Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll be even better than before.  I’m proud of this accomplishment and it’s serving me well in every facet and relationship of life.  I am me and I am okay not only with who I am but of where I’ve been.  I’m okay that I’ve F’d up and I’m okay that I’m not perfect.  The past has brought me here and I wouldn’t be here without it.  My stroke(s) and living with a massive aneurysm have given me the gift of “don’t give two sh$$s”.  What used to matter and hurt seems so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  What I thought so important doesn’t hold the same weight anymore.  Simply learning to live a life worth remembering is what matters now.  I still don’t trust the way I used to and that’s okay.  It’s a byproduct of getting beaten down.  A great lesson to learn.  Trust is sacred and for me it’s tough to earn mine.  When you’ve got it..you’ve got a friend in me for life.  I won’t only give you the shirt off my back, you’ll have shelter, food and a staunch defender!  Violate that trust, or worse, willingly and with wonton abandon hurt me (or worse..my kids) and I promise you one thing, you will not earn that trust ever again. 

  I’ve been accused again and again of being to forgiving.  Of allowing myself to be a doormat.  Of not knowing when to draw the line in the sand.  I own that.  It’s true through and through.  I’ve put too much value on “relationships” even when they clearly are detrimental to my wellbeing.  On forgiving????  I’m calling BS on the multitude of quotes, sayings, beliefs, etc on “forgiving” and how it’s so necessary.  Forgiving my children and myself will always be a fact of survival and healthy living.  Forgiving someone who hurts you..humiliates you and willingly destroys your integrity, reputation, and maybe even wounds you to your soul????  Calling BULLSHIT on that one.  I don’t need to forgive someone who hurts my children or who willingly cheats, lies, and then tries to blame and cover their nastiness.  Nope…I don’t need to forgive you to be free.  That’s between you and your God.  I don’t need to forgive you to set myself free.  My freedom lies in the fact that I know I’m not perfect and yet I treated you with dignity and respect.  Time and again I walked the line.   I admitted my faults and tried daily to be a better man.  When you cross another to the extent I’ve mentioned, you need to learn that not all forgiveness is attainable.  You repeat these “mistakes” and the cycle continues because you believe in forgiveness and that eventually the ones you hurt will “have” to forgive you.  Better to seek forgiveness than permission??!!  Not so.  The ignorant behavior deserves the outright indignation you receive.  Furthermore when your history shows a pattern of just such behavior, you should not be surprised when you finally come to a place where someone can stand tall and NOT forgive you.  I don’t have to wish you ill will or have complete disdain for you.  I don’t need to pity you.  I don’t need to feel anything for you.  Your choices have been yours.  Own it..you carry that load, not me.  My freedom lies in learning to see the type of person you are and for not allowing myself to ignore the warning signs again.  Sometimes “I’m sorry” is just a baseless robotic plea for forgiveness you do not deserve.  I don’t need to forgive one who willingly does these things again and again.  You can pack your pity bag and move yourself far away from me, my family, and those I love.  Do not foolishly believe that I will forget.  There are things that time will not erase.  My freedom lies in knowing that I cannot be like you and I have learned through help, time, self-reflection, and a group of people standing by my side that I am in fact ok.  I DO NOT need your approval or quite frankly anyone’s.  I am me..and I’m okay with that.  So pack that bag, throw it over your shoulder, turn around and walk right the F back where you came from and don’t for one minute think I have the capacity to forgive everyone.  Forgiveness like trust is earned…and I reserve the right to refuse that gift to anyone I so choose.

  I’m grateful for all those who’ve helped me get here and who remind me daily that I’m worth more than “that”.  Each day is a gift and within that day we are given so many more gifts than we realize.  Yet we are also given lessons to shape us and sometimes it’s painful and we feel we are being chiseled into something we don’t understand.  In the end it matters only what love you put out there in the world.  That love isn’t always for everyone.  It’s okay to not forgive.  Holding onto anger doesn’t burn the one holding it…sometimes it keeps a fire lit within to keep the same types from getting too close.  Anger is okay in appropriate doses, at appropriate times, and directed in the appropriate direction(s).  Contrary to popular belief…not all around you deserve rainbows and unicorns.  Love all you can, forgive where you can, and know its okay to NOT do so!  Leave that to the offender and their God.  Sometimes forgiveness affirms acceptability in the ways people hurt others. Be fearless in chasing your dreams and more so in defending yourself from those who spill their misery at your feet.  Be strong in who you are and above all else be okay with the feelings inside and “who” you are.  Stand fast in your beliefs and know that the sun will rise and time waits for no one.  Live your life on your terms.