“This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime” ~

A Delicate Balance

   Each of us is unique, eclectic in nature, and dynamic in character.  The diversity amongst us has always been something of a wonder to me, something I relish in and cherish.  It’s always so fantastic to meet people from all walks and to learn of their experiences, fears, hopes, etc.  At the end of the day I feel we are all of the same cloth and share similar fears as well as joys.  We are all just individuals, yet collectively we make up such an amazing society.  Our experiences stack up within our own psyche’s to help shape our lives and ultimately guide us into our respective futures.   A single event, or a series of events, can tip the sales in our lives.  A myriad of life’s experiences culminate to help us make choices as we progress through our days.  For me, it’s been an amazing life so full of challenges and triumphs.  I continually work at the process of evaluating what I need to, letting go of what I have to, and holding on to what shapes me, and as gracefully as possible, I move forward while always maintaining a delicate balance.

 

  Fear can be a tremendous weight on the scales of life and hope the great equalizer.  All too often we let our fear dictate our path.  Unlike many other experiences, fear can stop us dead in our tracks.  Whether it’s a fear of failure, heights, water, violence, the unknown, or any other experience we label as “fearful”, these experiences can act as a road block to greater things beyond that heavy burden you carry.  While I have made it my life’s work to face my fears head on, crush them (if possible), or just reshape my perception of that fear in order to move past it, around it, over it, or straight through it.  I’ve made it my goal to NOT let fear be the factor that finds me languishing in that stagnant space where my life is not moving forward.  I’ve been fairly successful and yet one of my own personal fears seems to always tip the scales and leave me defenseless to its power, cowering at its feet, and utterly unable to get through it.  In this case, that fear is the fear of letting a potential partner in too close.  It seems that only two relationships in my life, their subsequent failures, and the ensuing pain, have left me in a place of stagnant development, devoid of the ability to progress in a relationship beyond anything but the most basic level of interaction.  I tend to clam up and shut down when I meet a woman and I realize I am opening up and becoming vulnerable.  I process it in my mind and often rationalize (in my mind) that this is all just too fast, precocious in nature, and I need to just go back to my safe space.  I tend to face my demons head on, and with a zest for a good fight, and yet this one demon has all too often found me walking away from something that had potential to be incredible, beautiful, and meaningful. 

 

  It’s not only irrational in many senses, but it goes against the very essence of my being.  To let fear hold us back is, to me, one of the great travesty’s of our ability as humans to connect within our society.  On a more personal level it’s made it hard to even imagine meeting, getting to know, and ultimately falling in love with a woman again.  It’s irrational I know, but it’s my demon to slay and thus far I’ve been pretty unsuccessful.  I’m an incredibly energetic man, driven to a fault, and immensely passionate in the things (and people) I love.  Trying to find the balance again after some painful losses has been remarkably challenging.  There’s little more at the foundation of life that I love more than simply to LOVE.  To perfect it, be with it, express it, and to honor it, and yet it seems to elude me even when it’s so close.  I realize that timing is everything and being by myself is actually a very good thing but I know all too well the negative side of keeping that pattern going simply for the sake of NOT exposing myself to pain again.  I know (even beyond relationships) that to not risk is to never gain.  My life without risks would likely lull me into a sad and quiet existence where I’d simply melt away into the folds of society and see me to an early grave full of sadness and devoid of passion that I so thrive on. 

 

  I’m slowly evolving, growing, and moving from that space of fear.  I’m branching out, taking risks, and opening up my heart to those whom I choose to allow in.  It’s been a process of baby steps, and often times I find myself retreating and needing that soft nudge to move me forward, one baby step at a time.  At a time in my life where I love the man I am, embrace my own imperfections, and still stride on full of hope, it’s a wonderful feeling to allow someone to step in a little closer.  It’s abundantly clear that we cannot force anything as natural as love, yet we can be so closed off that the possibility is extinguished so quickly that you miss the little spark that could have ignited a raging inferno.  I see my imperfections, I work on those that I can change, and I accept those for which I am forever left with.  Gracefully, slowly, and delicately I’m opening the door to my heart, to life, and to love once again.  As I see the shadows of my past I no longer run as quickly….I stand there and see that the shadows are a part of me.  Without them it would be a two dimensional world, and yet with the right amount and angle of light even the darkest shadow fades away.  I will not live in fear, I will not run from the shadows.  I will not let the past mistakes and errors in my life become a roadblock to something wonderful and rewarding.  I will let my determination stand upon the scales of life like a rock opposing the inconsequential weight of a feather.  I WILL surely fall down, and I will likely find myself retreating once again, but I will recognize the beauty before me and open myself to what could be..free of fear, expectations, preconceived notions, or bated breath.  I will breathe into the space I find myself in, open up, explore, let go, and find the balance.  When the scale tips the wrong way, I will apply the weight of love and find my way back onto the path I know awaits me.  I will cast the lines and turn towards the sun and gracefully sail with the wind.  If I’m lucky I will arrive upon some distant shore, somewhere, someday down the road, and if I’m even more lucky I will look down and see footprints in the sand next to mine..and a hand in my own.  A partner, a companion, a traveling soul to share life’s journey with me.   

Into the Slipstream

  As I ascend I feel my worries, life's challenges, and the stress fall away into the slipstream of my movement. In that space I am free. Within the fear and sensory overload I find a calmness and clarity I find nowhere else.  When dancing with gravity, flowing over stone or ice, I am boundless and free beyond words.  All of the logical senses slowly fall away into that slipstream of my ascent.  All sensible logic would tell me to move down, to descend, and yet something deeper calls me to ascend.  I’m in a land of paradoxical sensations and conflicting logic.  I’m never as free as I am when climbing, never so grounded, and yet never so uplifted and elated.  To express the euphoria in that space seems so futile, and yet I feel the need to at least try, if not for my own sake than for my children’s sake so that someday they may look upon my life, my drive, my adventures, and hopefully find a little needed fuel to stoke their fire(s) whatever they may become.

 

  It is not only this solo space, these remarkable sensations, or this selfish drive that pulls me higher into this realm.  It’s the people I meet, the friends I make, the unbreakable bonds, and the unspoken truth that we find in this life as climbers.  Preconceived notions, assumptions, judgment, and unwarranted criticism all matter so little (if at all) when we practice our art.  From the lifelong friends and bonds I’ve made, to the completely ironic encounters this climbing life brings me, I know am right where I am supposed to be.  I have found the source of my drive and the inspiration to chase my dreams.  I’ve met so many on this journey over the last 18 years; fellow gravity slayers chasing these sensations across the globe, living in, and for the moment.  Meeting and becoming close to the soul of another who is truly immersed into the life of being a climber is second to none other.  There’s an inherent ability within these kindred souls to just get through it, to push beyond what they think possible, to just ascend through the muck and murky waters of life onto another place where that freedom rings so loudly.  I’ve made so many friends in this vertical life, and said my final goodbye to many of them as they’ve lost their battles in life, and always I find myself turning to climbing when my life runs amuck and my senses become disheveled.  It’s a space and a lifestyle where only you can define your success and only you are the master of your destiny.

 

 

  The only other lifestyle I’ve experienced that comes even close is the life of a surfer.  I find more diversity and camaraderie within these two lifestyles and yet the climbing life seems to have found its way to the forefront of my heart once again.  It seems when life throws me a curveball, or when my life seems to fall to pieces, I turn to the vertical in order to process and get through.  It has become so much more than just pushing oneself and overcoming these sense floating in contradiction, it’s a place where I find the type of people who will not let me hold on too long to those that hold me down. Who will hold me fast (on belay) and spot me as I make whatever climb I face in life. Such is the metaphor of climbing and life.  Only within this world can I randomly find the much needed solitude to just be within my own thoughts and feelings, but I can feel the companionship at the other end of a nylon rope in this same span.  Within a community of climbers there’s diversity so full of vibrant smiles and a fellowship so full of caring and giving that I often wonder how it is that climbing can be seen as such a “selfish” and “solo” activity.  While I am alone on some distant face, I am truly alone and in a beautiful solitude and yet within the community of climbers I am surrounded by like minded, driven, and adventurous spirits.  There’s no other place I’d rather be in times of crisis, times of happiness, or any other of the multitude of places our lives take us.

 

  Climbing seems to be the one place I go to in order to seek and find all that I am, all that life has to offer.  No other passion has driven me to find so much within myself.  No other source has given me so much and made me the man, father, and friend I am today.  Climbing has continually saved my life and defined my life.  I’ve found some remarkable relationships within the scope of this life I live.  From within the confines of gravity and altitude I’ve been fortunate enough to forge unbreakable bonds with so many.  I’m so grateful for this life, for this world, and for this lifestyle I have chosen and once again find myself FULLY immersed within.  Where else can you make these bonds so full of adrenaline, risk, reward, and grace?  I was recently reminded of the power of ascension and the healing that we find in this place.  Randomly I met a wonderful person standing along a road at the local ice climbing festival.  Adorned with a cane/crutch and a fox tail dangling from her rear…how could I NOT stop and say hello.  Little did I know the bond we’d instantly share had begun to take shape years ago as we both battled our way back from very similar climbing injuries.  I’d stand with her on that day and talk endlessly, seamlessly, and effortlessly.  It’s rare to find someone who just gets it, the pain of a life changing injury caused by a passion you love so deeply, and even more so one who sees the path back from the darkness only within the exact path you took descending into that darkness.  When climbing nearly costs you everything, it’s often the only thing that can give it all back.   I stood there last night belaying her as she tied in and boldly, valiantly, and courageously took the “sharp end” and led a route for the first time since her injury.  As we tie into our climbing partner it is so much more than merely keeping them safe, belaying them as they ascend, the bond is much deeper, inexplicable, and beyond all else it is a timeless expression telling that other person “I’ve got your back..I understand the challenge you are about to face…I’m with you.”  This is the reasoning in the risk, the reward. The smile on her face and the slight welling in her eyes as she touched down after that successful ascent told me all I needed to know….THIS IS WHY WE CLIMB.   To watched her fears fall into the slipstream of her ascent was nothing short of an honor..nothing short of the “why” in climbing.  The paradox lies only within trying to explain all of this to others.

Best Day Ever - Fosho

A fun little clip I put together of a group of us out snowshoeing in the high country (San Juan Mountains) yesterday.  Best people ever!

Learning to Suffer

  It’s not in moments of comfort and relative safety that we grow and our self perceived limits are expanded upon, it’s only when we are at those perceived limits that we realize we can push a little bit further, dig a little deeper, and push through pain, discomfort, or fear onto a higher plain.  Our internal horizons expand when we push ourselves beyond what we thought possible.  For me that space has been redefined for the last 18 years in a vertical world.  It is a world where I find comfort, peace, solace, and clarity, and yet one where I’m constantly redefining who, what, and where I am.  Only through this process of pushing myself, ascending higher, and digging deeper do I find the strength within that until that moment remained untapped and unnoticed. 

 

  I’ve never quite been able to explain the “why” in what I do in these high environs, but I know that other climbers know the motivation and drive we all find in chasing these vertical dreams.  It’s quite difficult to express the fire one finds in suffering; the absolute elation we bring down from a higher place, back into our everyday lives.  Unless you’ve stepped into that realm and danced with suffering, battled gravity, and endured the affliction found in that place, you truly cannot explain it within the scope of what most would see as logical.  The pain, the suffering, the enduring, all act as the emissary for how we conduct ourselves back in our normal everyday lives.  I am quite certain that I become a better man, a better human being, a better father, when I return from these journeys and they are the memories that fill my dreams, fuel the next adventure, and keep me chasing the dreams that evolve within my soul.

 

  No matter the outcome, any climb (rock, alpine, or ice) fuels so much within me.  I close my eyes and often drift back to the climbs of my life.  I can hear the crunching of the snow under my boots, the feeling of warm rock below my finger tips.  I can hear the bodacious thud of a well placed swing of my ice axe.  I can feel the ice crystals bursting from the frozen beast as my axe impacts..they splash the smile on my face and I’m free.  I’m cold, I’m hungry, and I’m so tired..and yet you could not lure that smile from my face with the enticement of any other experience.  When I’m climbing at altitude it becomes a war of attrition.  One in which I’m not just fighting the elements, I’m fighting common sense, my body, and the chemistry within to just keep going.  To keep putting one foot in front of the other, and yet all the while maintain some semblance of safety and reason.  I’ve been paralyzed with fear high on a frozen face in the Waddington Range in Canada and literally stood frozen a thousand feet above my camp knowing that one error could be fatal not only for me but for the other three tied to me by an 8mm piece of nylon.  Pushing through that very moment to the summit another thousand feet above will always remain a memory I cherish and draw upon in difficult times.  I suffered, and yet we endured, and to those on my team I am quite certain they share in the eternal memory of that blue sky summit. 

 

  I’ve been so cold in the Indian Himalaya that to this day I swear I could feel my blood thickening and freezing.  I lay in a tent that night with my team and wondered why it was I kept putting myself in these situations.  It wasn’t until returning home months later, reflecting on that unsuccessful summit bid, and really looking through the photos that I realized it is within that suffering where my character is exposed and the best in me is brought to the surface.  I cannot ask others to understand, but somehow peering over that proverbial edge I see so clearly and I am filled so completely.  Whether it’s run out on a high rock face, ascending, dancing and delighted in a frozen waterfall, or high on some alpine climb….this is the place where my dreams come true.  These are the environs where there are no litigious notions within.  There’s no bargaining.  I know I am where I need to be.  Each step, each swing of the axe, each meter climbed is calculated and defined.  Each move I hold in my hands my fate, my destiny, and the dreams I find only in this space.  Only through suffering in this world am I able to look my children in the eye and smile knowing that they are seeing what it is to FULLY chase your dreams.  To explore the depths of what they think is possible, and to truly live the life they deserve and can dream.  When we learn to suffer in peace, our boundaries, or borders, are completely wiped away and we are left to define what is possible in our own worlds.  So push, suffer, climb, dream, and keep moving for only in movement do we find grace.

Tools of our trade...an ice climbers arsenal.

Unbroken and Unafraid

  There’s a grief that can’t be spoken.  A love so loud it can’t be heard.  There’s saddens in loss more profound than the most explicit of feelings.  Life will always knock us down.  Life too easy would be a life mundane and not worth the challenge.  We all lose, we all suffer, and we all feel loss and deal with the consequences in our own way.  There’s a space within the deepest grief where we are stripped of all but the rawest emotions.  It is only within that space where we reach a level of strength and courage unobtainable anywhere else.  Within the confines of our pain we can not only survive the grief, endure the sadness, we can let the love still remaining scream to the world around us.  We can not only endure, but grow from the pain, flourish and thrive within the struggles.

  I’ve seen the depths of that despair in the span of my life.  I’d wish the pain upon no one, the indignity not upon my worst enemy.  I’ve been treated more fair and kindly in a straight up fist fight.  I am blessed beyond belief to have the support system to surround me when this unforeseen apocalyptic crash came upon me.  I shall never forget the gentle souls that reached out to me literally picking me up as the pain took over my soul.  I see their faces now so vibrant and bright.  Caring so kindly and giving so altruistically, many from unexpected places in this little mountain community.  From the Moab deserts, Durango’s sandstone cliffs, to the corner in my room where I sat with my head in my hands soaking the hardwood floors below me, I see their hands, their grace, and their unequaled support.  It’s within the depths of that despair, upon our knees, that the best in our friends emanates from their very souls.  Those who step forward and toe the proverbial line of pain with you, those are the friends to keep close, to keep in your corner, and to commit undogged dedication to as your life continues down whatever path you emerge upon.

 

 As the light returns, the pain diminishes, and the flood of tears subsides back into the sea within, you are given the glorious opportunity to stand tall again, unafraid and full of life.  You can spend the necessary time upon your knees, screaming in silence at the unthinkable hell you’ve just endured, and yet you can emerge a better person than before.  These things I know, these things I know all too well, and yet I still look back with a gleam in my eye and a tear upon my soul for the one I loved so much, trusted so completely, in spite of it all, it is still that one so close that wreaked utter and total havoc on your heart and soul.  It is the remorseless nature that eats at you, the unthinkable disregard for all things conscionable to the most basic of moral values.  Yet as the journey takes me further away from that place I look back not in sorrow, but in pity.  I have compassion and I want to reach back and take away her pain, even after all of this, but I cannot.  To do so would dishonor all I’ve attained thus far, all those that have walked with me, all that I have learned.  I can forgive, and it’s the most liberating thing I’ve done, but it does NOT excuse the behavior or the acts of moral attrition.  I simply must let that person go and continue on the cyclical journey they’ve chosen.  

 

  It’s from this journey from hell that you find within yourself and those around you, a beauty and dignity so brilliant and bright.  You learn to embrace all the emotions, all the pain, even the one who betrayed you, and you start to see life as an unspoken journey taken one step at a time.  I still see her face when I close my eyes, but the moving cinema of our past has become nothing but a still image of us standing at the base of some rock face, smiling into the lens of life.  I hold that image, and I always will, close to my heart.  I choose to see the good, to take the good with me into the next stages of this journey.  I take the moments of incredible love and I hold them close.  I let the turmoil, torment, and hell fall away as I move on.  I hear her voice and I let the anger fall away so that only the laughter remains.  I paint this picture of my journey, and I choose what to take along.  Our love was real in my heart, brushing my very soul, and I embrace the beauty within it, and I let the rest go.  My love for her, what morsels remain, will be, and shall remain, unspoken as I move through this day.  I have gained so much from these soldiers of mine.  The friends in the trenches, toeing the line.  I have grown and I see such a bright future ahead.  I know my time alone could be forever, the damage too deep to completely ignore, but I have hope for better.  I visualize a time and place on my journey full of radiant happiness and all I can give returned to me in kind.  I see the possibility in my future, and yet I see no fine details, but just a blank and fantastic canvas..I see her out there, searching and waiting.  I know she’s there perfecting her own journey.  I hope that if this is indeed to be, that we will meet one day, complete and resolute in whom we are.  Neither soul “completing” the other, only complimenting each other.  If I’m privileged enough to find such a soul out there, I will not allow my love to be unspoken, I will not allow my soul to hide in the shadows, I will unleash my passion and let it scream in deafening brilliance, I will embrace my uninhibited soul and stand in unspoken grace, unbroken and unafraid.  I shall feel love again; I shall allow it again someday, but not yet.  My journey at this moment is one of self perfection, reflection, and discovery.  Upon that day where our paths meet, where our journey connects, in that time, I shall not remain silent.  My love will not go unspoken, and until then I shall continue hopeful and unbroken. 

  Should my time pass having never loved again, having never crossed paths, I shall still scream in that deafening brilliance as I breathe my last breath, for I HAVE loved deeply in this life, unbroken and unafraid.